Saturday, June 22, 2013

And the Blood Falls Like Rain

God help me, I do love these things.

And every time I think I'm finished, every time I think I've accumulated the most complete and accurate compendium of every possible slumming A to D-lister imaginable, a dozen more of them crop up unexpectedly, like bodies hidden behind closet doors.

So I hope you're not tired of them, because I'm certainly not! And I'm happy to be doing my first entry in this long-running series on a format that isn't Tumblr because that's just torture for this kind of thing.


Jack Black

Famous for: High Fidelity, School of Rock, Tropic Thunder, Kung Fu Panda

Skeleton in the Closet: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998)

The most astonishing thing about this role (a Caribbean stoner) is that it is possibly the most annoying character he has ever played. You'd think he'd have saved that for a more high profile film. At least his death is cathartic.

Brittany Snow 

Famous for: Pitch Perfect, John Tucker Must Die, Guiding Light

Skeleton in the Closet: Prom Night (2008)

I hold an obscene amount of love for the delightfully off-kilter Prom Night franchise. This is the American reboot of the original 1980 Canadian film starring Jamie Lee Curtis (similar only nominally), and Snow stars as our resident final girl, which is alright with me. Despite its PG-13 blandness, Prom Night is still high up on my list of lovable remakes.

To be fair, the genre of slasher reboots is a desolate wasteland with nary an oasis, so that's not saying much.

Carrie Fisher 

Famous for: The Man with One Red Shoe, The Time Guardian

Skeleton in the Closet: Sorority Row (2009)

Sorority Row is another surprisingly OK reboot, this time of 1983's The House on Sorority Row. Fisher plays the Conveniently Absent for 70% of the Film House Mother.

Bonus: She also plays Magical Exposition Secretary in Scream 3.

David Boreanaz 

Famous for: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Bones, my bedroom wall

Skeleton in the Closet: Valentine (2001)

D'awwwwww... Who's a good little alcoholic serial killer? You are! You are! Good boy...

I've mentioned this film before, because it also stars a pre-Valentine's Day Katherine Heigl. It's fun to imagine somebody switching the DVDs on Netflix by accident.

Linda Blair

Famous for: The Exorcist, your nightmares

Skeleton in the Closet: Hell Night (1981)

1981 was a good year to be a slasher movie and are those seriously her breasts? I feel wrong all over.

Henry Winkler

Famous for: Happy Days, Arrested Development

Skeleton in the Closet: Scream (1996)

Henry Winkler plays the batty Principal Himbry who threatens students with scissors and is all around a pretty cool guy. He also keeps spare suits in a wardrobe in his office, so you know he's on top of things. He might have made school superintendent if it weren't for that pesky Ghostface.

Portia de Rossi
Famous for: Arrested Development, Better Off Ted, marrying Ellen DeGeneres, flawlessness

Skeleton in the Closet: Scream 2 (1997)


This is actually a common problem throughout de Rossi's career, but most of the time they're less... Well, let's just say this is the scariest scene in the movie.

Patrick Dempsey

Famous for: Grey's Anatomy, Made of Honor, Enchanted

Skeleton in the Closet: Scream 3 (2000)

Dempsey plays the movie-loving Detective Kincaid/potential-killer-but-not-really-because-the-actual-identity-of-the-killer-is-f*cking-weird-and-also-he-has-a-magical-21st-century-voice-box-machine-that-can-make-him-sound-like-Courteney-Cox.

Champion Dialogue:
Sidney: "What's your favorite scary movie?"
Kincaid: "My life."

Michelle Williams

Famous for: Dawson's Creek, My Week With Marilyn, Brokeback Mountain

Skeleton in the Closet: Halloween H20 (1998)

I had no idea who she was when I watched this, and next time I watch it I still won't care because JAMIE LEE CURTIS IS BACK. However, here she is.

Jennifer Aniston 

Famous for: Friends, Office Space, Horrible Bosses

Skeleton in the Closet: Leprechaun (1993)

Most of you probably knew this one, but I'm so proud that Rachel Green got her start in one of the most baffling horror franchises of the day.
Word Count: 669

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