- Someone is shot (probably).
- Man #1 is impaled in the gut.
- Old Man dies offscreen, probably of poison.
- Man #2 dies offscreen.
- Beast Man is beaten with a chain.
- Woman is shot in the back of the neck.
Tuesday, August 16, 2022
Friday, July 29, 2022
Too Scared to Scream (January 4)
Trapped by Fear/Atrapados en el miedo (March 15)
Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (March 22)
Blood Cult (May)
Zombie Apocalypse/Cementerio del terror (July)
The Hills Have Eyes Part II (August)
Phenomena (August 2)
Formula for a Murder/7, Hyden Park: la casa maledetta (August 10)
Appointment With Fear (October 25)
Blood Tracks (November)
The Ripper (November)
Nothing Underneath/Sotto il vestito niente (November 7)
The Nail Gun Massacre (December)
Bits and Pieces (unknown)
Blue Murder (unknown)
The Dark Power (unknown)
Horror House on Highway Five (unknown)
Murder Elite (unknown)
The New York Centerfold Massacre (unknown)
Night Caller/Ping an ye (unknown)
Psycho Girls (unknown)
They Don't Cut the Grass Anymore (unknown)
Word Count: 480
Thursday, July 28, 2022
Phew! Somehow we've made it through another year of my project to watch and review every single slasher movie from the 1980s. With 1984 down for the count, we are now exactly halfway through this marathon! Here is my breakdown of the best and worst of the year that is now blissfully in the rearview mirror.
I watched a total of 28 slashers from 1984, as listed here. While there is always the chance that more research will unearth some ancient VHS tape that I missed while compiling this list, I have composed at least four rounds of intensive and exhaustive research over the years, so we can be reasonably certain I've picked up on all the ones that are at least available to the public in any real form.
This is the part where I address the overall trends of the year, but 1984 is such a random grab bag it's pretty difficult to parse out. Really, all this points to is the fact that the slasher was dying an ignominious death by this point in the decade. Most of what we got was either rigorous formula films that were late to the party (like The Mutilator and Silent Madness) or bizarre attempts to graft the slasher onto another genre entirely (Evil Judgment, The Dark Side of Midnight, Disconnected, Blind Date).
The Five Best Slashers of 1984
#5 Innocent Prey
#3 Silent Night, Deadly Night
Silent Night, Deadly Night is a bit of a nasty one, and far from what anyone might imagine when they hear "movie about a killer Santa." But the exploration of what makes a killer isn't entirely uninteresting, and the killings themselves are top shelf.
#2 Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter is the platonic ideal of the 1980's slasher film. The dead meat teenagers' antics are engaging in an observational, John Hughes-y way, to just enough of a degree that you regret them being murdered, but not so much that you can't gaze in goggle-eyed awe at Tom Savini's excellent gore effects. It's sleazy, finding as many half-assed ways to get women to take their tops off, it's packed with incredible deaths, and it has two actors who would go on to be stars: Corey Feldman and Crispin Glover. It's not a perfect film, but it's a perfect slasher.
#1 A Nightmare on Elm Street
Well then, what could beat a perfect slasher? A perfect film, that's what! OK, "perfect" might be a strong word. Elm Street shows its seams in some of the acting, but as far as what is shown onscreen, it is both completely innovative and absolutely terrifying. Wes Craven's masterpiece brings us directly into contact with the stuff of nightmares, and deservedly changed the game by doing so.
The Five Worst Slashers of 1984
#5 Shadows Run Black
The epitome of "go girl, give us nothing." It's just an excuse to trot out naked breasts onscreen, with anemic kills and a nonexistent story. Even the pleasures of watching a young Kevin Costner slumming it pale in the face of how little he actually appears in the movie.
#4 Fatal Games
While the idea of Olympic hopefuls being murdered with their own equipment is a great organizing principle for a slasher, the execution here is pitifully bland. The kills are nondescript and while the movie is tolerable for the most part, it has the indecency to end on what is perhaps the worst trans killer plot twist in a subgenre that is replete with reprehensible examples of the same.
#3 Blood Theatre
An absolutely incompetent film, from audio recording to cinematography to acting and all the way down to foley. The "plot," which consists of three blank-faced teens wandering through an old theater, fails to be livened up with a heap of unoriginal kills, only one of which is visually interesting in any way.
#2 The Dark Side of Midnight
The reason this film isn't at #1 is the fact that it's ever so slightly on the right side of good-bad. It's an absolute bore, following a variety of mustachioed men sitting in offices discussing brutal slayings that the audience doesn't get to see. However, the lead character is an extremely obvious self-insert role for the director-star, positioning him as a cross between James Bond and Fabio, and I love the sheer audacity of the whole thing.
#1 Satan's Blade
Satan's Blade certainly tries to do something, folding a surprisingly adult drama into its bifurcated slasher plot. However, that's not enough to overcome the terrible acting and slew of boring stabbings.
1984 Body Count: 251 (including 9 decapitations and 13 slit throats)
Highest Body Count: Zombie Island Massacre (19)
Lowest Body Count: Calendar Girl Murders (3)
Five Best Kills
#5 The Weight Room, Silent Madness
#4 Santa at the Urinal, Don't Open Till Christmas
What's a bit of holiday dick trauma among friends? The gag where a Santa's penis is cleaved from his pelvis, causing blood to spurt in the urinal, is in such delirious bad taste that it's irresistible.
#3 The Motel Bathroom, Innocent Prey
One of the most perfectly shot murder sequences of the year. It places you resolutely in the perspective of PJ Soles as she witnesses her husband's bloody secret. She thinks she's spying on him cheating on her in the bathroom as he has sex with a prostitute pressed up against the window, but she can spot him grabbing a straight razor in the mirror behind them, the bloody result of his actions being displayed when the woman's body drops into view in front of her. It's an excellent and chilling bit of deep focus composition that allows you to discover information at the exact second the character herself does, in a dastardly elliptical way.
#2 Doug's Shower, Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter
#1 Tina's Bad Dream, A Nightmare on Elm Street
The murder that kicks of Elm Street is also the one that provided the shot of adrenaline into the arm of the slasher that kept it alive through the end of the decade. The surrealistic imagery of this kill (achieved with a marvelous in-camera effect) clashes with the perfectly visceral nature of the gashes that appear on her body. In addition to the sequence being a gorgeous display of pure terror, Rod's presence in the foreground highlights just how impotent the people Tina loves are in the face of this unknowable nocturnal enemy.
Best Decapitation: Silent Night, Deadly Night
Now that's just some Christmas fun. God bless us, every one.
Three Best Final Girls
#3 Janet, Evil Judgment
#2 Cathy Willis, Innocent Prey
PJ Soles proves that she has the chops to go toe to toe with her Halloween co-star Jamie Lee Curtis in the Final Girl department.
#1 Nancy Thompson, A Nightmare on Elm Street
Three Worst Final Girls
#3 Pam, The Mutilator
Now, she's certainly not as annoying as the awful people who populate the film around her. But Pam takes the Uptight Virginal Survivor trope one step too far towards annoying, literally arranging a chore wheel for her friend group's beachside getaway.
#2 Jennifer, Blood Theatre
The vacant acting and poodle haircut aren't enough to distract anyone from how absolutely useless this Final Girl is at actually getting the job done.
#1 Kate, Don't Open Till Christmas
I guess I'm just mad at Kate for being withholding, because she keeps solving major segments of the mystery offscreen and only tells us about it later. Why, Kate?
Four Best Killers
#4 David, Blind Date
Did I only include him because he wears a Speedo in his final confrontation with our hero? Yes, yes I did. Picture unavailable, tragically. Buy the Blu-Ray.
#3 Pera Mitic, Strangler vs. Strangler
The Yugoslavian Norman Bates is an absolute riot, and his oddball energy does wonders toward buoying the film's comic tone throughout the runtime.
#2 Freddy Krueger, A Nightmare on Elm Street
Long before he became a villainous stand-up comedian, Freddy still played with his food. The way he relishes how terrifying he is just makes his inexplicable M.O. even creepier.
#1 Jason Voorhees, Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter
Look, Freddy won Best Kill and Best Picture, rightfully, but you gotta hand it to the big lug. Jason is an iconic figure of the slasher genre, and he executes some of his best work here, along with gaining the iconic nick in the corner of his signature hockey mask.
Four Worst Killers
#4 The Cartel, Zombie Island Massacre
Even though the fact that the killer is a cartel seeking an undercover DEA agent is a wonderfully ludicrous twist, the faceless emissaries of said cartel just don't have any personality.
#3 Philip, Innocent Prey
#2 Howard Johns, Silent Madness
#1 Diane Paine, Fatal Games
We all know the '80s were transphobic, but having her voice suddenly get deeper when she reveals her identity is some evil Ace Ventura nonsense.
Handsomest Lad: Doug, Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter
Look at those cheekbones! I'm jealous. I totally get why Jason would want to smoosh them against the shower wall.
Best Location: The Inititation
The massive, insular high rise mall has everything: A variety of locations for our Meat to be menaced within, an inherent sense of still being trapped in a single space, and just a super cool look that can't be denied.
Best Title: A Nightmare on Elm Street
Three Best Costumes
#3 The Penis Suit, The Initiation
Look, the less we talk about Johnny Depp, the better. But a look is a look.
#1 I <3 My Dentist, Blind Date
Elite Champion Dialogue: “You've come to the right place. Or person. Or both." Day of the Reaper
Word Count: 2305
Wednesday, July 27, 2022
- Susan's Boyfriend is sledgehammered in the face.
- Susan has an axe thrown into her back.
- Barbara is crushed in a vise.
- Lorraine has her face blasted with steam.
- Flashback Sorority Sister #1 is shot between the boobs with a nail gun.
- Flashback Sorority Sister #2 is shot in the neck with a nail gun.
- Flashback Sorority Sister #3 is shot in the forehead with a nail gun.
- Flashback Sorority Sister #14 is shot in the back with a nail gun.
- Cheryl is stabbed in the back.
- Pam has a rope tied to her neck that is attached to a weight, which is thrown out the window.
- Jesse is drilled in the back of the head.
- Virgil is impaled in the chest with a crowbar.
- Mr. Hackler is stabbed in the back with an awl offscreen.
- Howard Johns is stabbed through the neck with a shard of mirror.
Tuesday, July 26, 2022
- Ed's Mother is shot in the back.
- Linda is drowned in a swimming pool.
- Mike is has a running boat motor inserted into his gut.
- Cop has a fencepost jammed into his face and is then decapitated with a battle axe.
- Ralph is stabbed in the neck with a pitchfork.
- Sue is stabbed in the groin with a fishing gaff, then decapitated with a battle axe.
- Big Ed is slammed into a wall with a car, resulting in him being cut in half.
Monday, July 25, 2022
- Makeout Santa is stabbed in the chest.
- Makeout Woman is stabbed in the stomach.
- Daddy Santa is impaled through the back of the neck with a spear.
- Cigarette Santa is garroted with wire and has his face burned.
- Alley Santa is shot in the head.
- Peep Show Santa is stabbed in the neck.
- Drunk Santa is stabbed in the gut.
- Carnival Santa is kicked to death with a shoe that has a knife in it.
- Silly String Santa is cleavered in the face.
- Urinal Santa has his dick slashed off.
- Kate is stabbed in the gut.
- Powell is electrocuted by his car.
- Mom is pushed down the stairs.
- Ian Harris is exploded by a rigged music box.
Friday, July 22, 2022
- Orderly #1 is stabbed in the eye with a syringe.
- Orderly #2 has his throat slashed with a razor.
- Jill has her arm cut off to death.
- Julie is chopped in the neck with a machete.
- Cheryl(?) has her head sawed off.
- Don is stabbed to death.
- Don's Girlfriend is strangled.
- Detective Rosenberg is dismembered with an axe.
- Humanity's Savior is dismembered with an axe.
- The Reaper has his heart cut out and eaten.