Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Archive: January 26, 2013

14 More Celebrities You Didn’t Know Were in Slasher Movies

I had a ton of fun writing my original list, but as I thought about it, I realized there were a lot of omissions that I had overlooked at the time in my haste to discuss Johnny Depp’s midriff. So now I present an addendum.
Read on in horror and see all your favorite stars slum it. Hey, you gotta pay your dues.
Round 1: Leatherface Double Take - The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Franchise

Viggo Mortensen
Famous for: The Lord of the Rings, A History of ViolenceThe Road
Skeleton in the Closet: Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III(1990)

Our dear friend Aragorn is the first of many now-famous stars to have rubbed shoulders with our friend Leatherface. His character’s name also wins the award for Least Effort Put Into a Pun in a Horror Film: Tex. True story.
Renée Zellweger
Famous for: Jerry MaguireBridget Jones’s DiaryChicago
Skeleton in the Closet: Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation(1994)
This woman has won an Oscar for her performance in Cold Mountain.
This woman has dated Jack White.
This woman was once engaged to Jim Carrey (OK, maybe that one’s not so good to brag about).
And months before she hit the big time, she starred in this grubby little horror reboot that almost never saw the light of day.
Matthew McConaughey
Famous for: How to Lose a Guy in 10 DaysThe Lincoln LawyerMagic Mike, People’s Sexiest Man Alive 2005
Skeleton in the Closet: Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994)
Twist ending: He’s insane. 
Following Renée’s footsteps, McConaughey starred in TCM:TNG, became famous shortly afterward, and became the bane of Hollywood reporters before the invention of spellcheck.
He actually fought to keep the film out of theaters, effectively killing any slim chance it had to make money.
Jessica Biel
Famous for: 7th HeavenThe A-TeamValentine’s Day
Skeleton in the Closet: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
This one isn’t too embarrassing, the movie was actually pretty good, and it’s only Jessica Biel. But still, worth noting.
Matt Bomer
Famous for: White CollarMagic Mike
Skeleton in the Closet: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006)
And instantly legions of teenage girls become Leatherface fans.
Round 2: Rap ‘n Slash - A Brief History of Rappers in Horror Cinema
Famous for: “O.G: Original Gangster”, “6 ‘N the Mornin’ “, “Colors”
Skeleton in the Closet: Leprechaun in the Hood (2000)
Ice-T stars as rap producer Mack Daddy whose success comes about by harnessing the leprechaun’s magical flute, which makes people appreciate rap music. I can’t believe I just typed that sentence. 
LL Cool J
Famous for: “Mama Said Knock You Out”, “Doin’ It”, “I Need Love
Skeleton in the Closet: Halloween H20 (1998)
The Halloween franchise was getting pretty desperate at this point, already having retconned four films to bring back Jamie Lee Curtis, so it makes sense that they would use this kind of novelty casting.
Dirty little secret: The movie, directed by Friday the 13th: Part 2’s Steve Miner, is actually pretty darn good.
Busta Rhymes
Famous for: “I Know What You Want”“Break Ya Neck”“Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Could See”
Skeleton in the Closet: Halloween: Resurrection (2002)
Now this is desperate. Busta Rhymes stars as the obnoxious host of a web series who traps a group of teenagers in Michael Myers’ old house and broadcasts their brutal murders online. 
He seems like a standup fellow.
Honorable Mention: Tremaine “Trey Songz” Neverson, who appeared in Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013), earning him a place in both rounds 1 & 2. Unfortunately, his film is too recent to be considered for this category. Better luck next time.
Round 3: Bikini Death Toll - The (Not So) Final Girls
Tyra Banks
Famous for: America’s Next Top ModelThe Tyra Banks Show
Skeleton in the Closet: Halloween: Resurrection (2002)
To top things off with what is one of the most awful movies in a franchise that previously featured the magic of Stonehenge turning children’s heads into bugs, Tyra Banks is here. She plays Busta Rhymes’ assistant, and isn’t even murdered onscreen. What a shame.
Amy Adams
Famous for: EnchantedJulie & JuliaThe Muppets, being perfect
Skeleton in the Closet: Psycho Beach Party (2000)
That’s her in the middle! Amy Adams is a gem in this quirky slasher sendup that’s actually pretty great. She is far too adorable to play her role, a sex-crazed vixen who tries to stab her best friends in the back and win the affections of Nicholas Brendon (whom she also appeared with in a season 4 episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer).
Katherine Heigl
Famous for: Grey’s AnatomyKnocked Up27 Dresses
Skeleton in the Closet: Valentine (2001)
This was a good one. There’s some quality movies on this list, weirdly enough. At least on the very narrow adjusted scale of slasher grading. David Boreanaz (Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s Angel) stars as the loveable alcoholic boyfriend, and Katherine Heigl is mowed down within the first ten minutes.
Not to be confused with the 2010 romantic comedy Valentine’s Day, although I’d love to see the look on that horrified Heigl fan’s face.
Round 4: OK Seriously? - These Guys?
Leslie Nielsen
Famous for: Airplane!, The Naked Gun series
Skeleton in the Closet: Prom Night (1980)
This actually happened. Nielsen is the fourth lucky star on this list to have worked alongside everyone’s favorite Scream Queen, Jamie Lee Curtis. If you don’t like Jamie Lee Curtis, you don’t exist.
In Prom Night, Nielsen plays the principal of the high school which is host to both the prom and a teenage blood bath. Did I mention he’s Curtis’s father? Glorious.
Also, be sure to check out the fantastically overlong dance breakdown in the middle of the film.
God, I love the 80’s.
Seann William Scott
Famous for: American PieDude, Where’s My Car?The Dukes of Hazzard
Skeleton in the Closet: Final Destination (2000)
Steve Stifler’s at it again in this zany teen comedy! After a botched European vacation, the Stiffmeister hangs around town with his wacky friends until he is abruptly decapitated by flying shrapnel.
David Copperfield
Famous for: being a magician
Skeleton in the Closet: Terror Train (1980)
Jamie Lee Curtis gets around. Terror Train is another entry on the list that is unexpectedly high quality. It might actually even be considered “good” in terms of actual real life movies.
Featuring a New Year’s train party/murderfest and about 10 minutes of David Copperfield alternately being creepy and showing off, Terror Trainperfectly sums up the slasher boom of the early 80’s.
In conclusion: Nobody is safe. One by one, the slasher genre will claim all of your favorite stars. You never know who might be next!
Word Count: 1170

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