Friday, July 26, 2013

A B C (1 2) 3

Movie ABC's: Part 3
For letters A-F click here.
For letters G-M click here.
For letters T-Z click here.

Best: A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

In 1984, Wes Craven did the unthinkable - he made a scary slasher movie. By the time it came out, the slasher was on its way out. Freddy had to wade through the corpses of a thousand cheap rip-offs to inject new life into the genre. The most thoroughly European slasher film of the 80's, Nightmare features kill scenes that are ludicrously beautiful. Also Johnny Depp gets eaten by a bed and converted into a metric ton of blood.

Worst: A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989)

Freddy's decline from prominence happened swifter than the average reality TV star's. By 1988's The Dream Master, the murderous dream killer had already been reduced to an impotent clown, but this film is an absolute travesty with chaotic directing and the most truly insipid and cheesily rendered kill sequences in the entire series.

Best: Once (2006)

An Irish indie musical made for pocket change, Once is beautiful shot and tells a not-quite-love story that reminds me most of Lost in Translation, and I do not make that comparison lightly. 

Worst: One Day (2011)

Although it has a pretty fun high concept (visiting the same day every year in the progression of a couple's lives), this movie is so thin and forgettable that I still have yet to convince my mom that we saw it in the theater together. And the ending is both predictable and idiotic.

Best: Pan's Labyrinth (El Laberinto del Fauno) (2006)

Guillermo del Toro took the ball from The Devil's Backbone and ran with it - straight into the forest and clear into the fantastic world of Ofelia, stuffed to the gills (literally, in some cases) with some of the most beautiful and disturbing creatures ever put to film.

Worst: Psycho Santa (2003)

You can read my review for Psycho Santa here and understand why it's the only film I have (to date) given a 0/10 rating to.

Best: Quarantine 2: Terminal (2011)

OK, it's not like I had a lot to choose from. It was this, the bland Quantum of Solace, or my arch-nemesis, this film's predecessor (more on that later). Quarantine 2: Terminal is surprisingly good, especially for a direct-to-DVD cash-in sequel. This was the first film in the series I saw, and it was good enough to launch me straight into my favorite movie of all time (more on that later).

Worst: Quarantine (2008)

Hateful, hateful film. How could the English language shot-for-shot remake of my favorite film be so horrible? Let's start with the unnecessary additional ten minutes and move straight on into the complete tonal shift and the use of the final frame as the cornerstone of the advertising campaign. It wasn't as bad as all that, but I will never respect this film. [REC] forever, all the way across the sky.

Best: [REC] (2007)

I never meant for this post to be a Quarantine parade, but there you go. [REC] is hands-down the best found footage film ever made and my official favorite movie. I watched it about a year ago with Cassidy and I've seen it every single month since then. We went into it going, "oh, it's just the movie Quarantine is based on. It's Spanish, it'll be cool to see." We came out of it visibly shuddering. In broad daylight.

Worst: The Room (2003)

Wow, that was a cinch. The Room is only the most well-know bad movie behind The Rocky Horror Picture Show and Troll 2. So consistently awful that it's rendered consistently hilarious, this is the most across the board unintentionally funny movie ever released. I've been to a midnight showing of this film and it's second only to Rocky Horror in pure cinematic fun.

Best: The Sixth Sense (1999)

This is the horror film that got me into horror. While Scream is the film that directly made me into the person I am today, The Sixth Sense is what started it all. M. Night Shyamalan's only out and out masterpiece (and arguably his only good film), this film is not only an effective horror (My mom cried in terror in the theater watching this film) but a strong family drama (It's hard for me not to cry when Cole and his mom are talking about his grandmother in the final scene).

Worst: Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (1978)

NO. NO. NO. Sgt. Pepper's was the Beatles jukebox musical before Across the Universe and it is a cinematic abortion. Featuring Peter Frampton and the Beegees as the titular band, the producers knew the acting would be horrible. Their solution? No dialogue. This film is essentially a silent film with an acid-fueled plotline and a character literally named Strawberry Fields. Featuring career-worst performances from George Burns, Donald Pleasance, Steve Martin, Alice Cooper, and Earth, Wind & Fire. Only Aerosmith did any good with their material, but that is no reason to even consider watching this movie.
Word Count: 837

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