Census Bloodbath: Can We Reschedule?

Year:
1985
Director:
Ramsey Thomas (as Alan Smithee)
Cast:
Michele Little, Kerry Remsen, Douglas Rowe
Run Time:
1 hour 36 minutes
MPAA Rating: R

Plot: Appointment with Fear is about... um.... Hold on, I need to stretch before I do this.

OK. Appointment with Fear is about four female friends holding a high school graduation party at an isolated mansion: Samantha (Pamela Bach, later Pamela Bach-Hasselhof, no points for guessing how that name change came about), who likes to take her top off and go swimming; Ruth (Deborah Voorhees of Innocent Prey and Friday the 13th: A New Beginning), who likes to take her top off and go swimming; Heather (Kerry Remsen of Pumpkinhead and A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge), who works as a mime and has a dark, never fully-explained story about having a younger brother who died; and Carol (Michele Little), who carries a shotgun mic everywhere to record audio from far away, as one does. 

Also hanging around are Carol's boyfriend Bobby (Michael Wyle), who rides a motorcycle with a mannequin in the sidecar and dresses like John Bender, and Heather's boyfriend Cowboy (Vincent Barbour), who is never not wearing a cowboy hat. Oh, and Norman (Danny Dayton), the unhoused man who hears voices who Carol sometimes lets sleep in the bed of her truck while she drives around. She brings him to the party, where he just sort of chills outside the mansion and parks the girls' cars as they arrive.

Give or take a few "huh?" moments in the character descriptions, that seems pretty straightforward, right? Honey, we're just getting started. While the party prep is happening, Sgt. Kowalski (Douglas Rowe) is hot on the tail of a man who he put in jail but was recently let out, the murderous Attis (Garrick Dowhen). Attis kills his unnamed wife, The Woman (Sergia Simone), in an attempt to steal their baby (who she hid behind the railing of the staircase she's sitting on, which is like two feet to her right, and Attis somehow doesn't hear or see it). As she dies, The Woman gives her baby to Heather, who just kinda carries it around for the rest of the movie, eventually bringing it to the party. Attis continues tracking down the kid, killing those who get in his way. The catch? Attis has actually been in a coma since last night.

That's right, this is the second astral projection slasher of 1985 after Eternal Evil. Anyway, Attis' motivations are pretty clear. He wants to kill his baby because he is the King of the Woods and he needs to make a sacrifice in order to ensure that he remains the King of the Woods for another year. Egyptian mythology is also involved, of course, but I didn't need to tell you that.

Analysis: So let me take you on a journey. As a longtime slasher fan I was becoming increasingly intrigued during the opening credits as the roster of B-tier slasher royalty kept scrolling by (Appointment with Fear was also produced by the Halloween franchise's Moustafa Akkad - the presence of a silent killer and a Dr. Loomis-esque character make it quite clear that he was hoping this would launch another slasher franchise, but no such luck). And then the whammy comes right at the end: directed by Alan Smithee.

The iconic pseudonym that directors used when they wanted to disavow projects certainly didn't make me less intrigued, but it did immediately dash my hopes that this might be a good movie. That said, it's a fucking weird movie, and that's just as good of a thing to be.

That plot synopsis just barely scratches the surface of what a bizarre film this is. Every character beat and dialogue scene has at least one odd thing about it, if not more, and merely keeping your grasp on what is happening moment to moment is enough to keep you engaged. These little moments also keep building. What starts as little details (like Samantha's mom hosing down the lawn in a bikini or the arbitrary mention that the architect of the house where the party is being held recently died) snowball into larger weirdnesses (like the running gag of Kowalski accidentally setting his own car on fire multiple times) which eventually explode into a dazzling crescendo with a spontaneous aerobics maypole dance sequence where even the characters don't seem to understand why it's happening, and which lasts for like 10 minutes.

All of this is a delight, and it's the only reason that Appointment with Fear is watchable, because it is a frankly awful slasher. It is tedious, the pacing is ruinously caddywompous, and the kills almost all take place offscreen. Plus, the ones we do get to see have the most boring, rote M.O.s, which offer nothing in the way of blood or creativity. And there are very few of them to begin with, because this slasher leaves way too many characters alive by the end.

Also, I have no idea why this movie is called Appointment with Fear. Nobody makes an appointment of any kind, scary or otherwise. And if the title is meant to refer to the audience's experience of the movie, calling it an appointment makes watching it sound like a chore. Sadly, in spite of the movie's brighter moments, it pretty much is one.

Killer: Attis (Garrick Dowhen)

Final Girl: Carol (Michele Little)

Best Kill: Ugh... I guess The Woman's, but mostly because of the aftermath of her being stabbed in the side, which is that she just kind of slumps indignantly against the stoop, is clearly lucid and capable of holding a conversation, and pretty much only bleeds out because Heather didn't think to call an ambulance.

Sign of the Times: Why tell you when I can show you?

Scariest Moment: Carol asks Norman about the gods that he talks to in his head and he says that maybe she'll get a chance to meet them tonight.

Weirdest Moment: This is a real Sophie's choice, but probably the scene where Carol tells Samantha about a sex dream that she had last night where Samantha fucked a dude on the floor of a discotheque while she watched.

Champion Dialogue: “All the crazies in here think he's the craziest of the crazies."

Body Count: 6

1. The Woman is stabbed in the side.
2. Ruth is stabbed offscreen.
3. Norman is decapitated.
4. Cowboy is killed offscreen.
5. Samantha is killed offscreen.
6. Attis is pierced with a maypole.

TL;DR: Appointment with Fear is a very bad, bad, boring slasher, but it makes up for that somewhat by being one of the weirdest goddamn movies ever made.

Rating: 5/10

Word Count: 1113