Thursday, September 5, 2013

You'll Get A Kick Out Of This

Attention Universe: I have now become a corporate shill. I've been asked to write a promotion for an indie horror film called Carver that needs help on its Kickstarter campaign. Now, I don't just whore myself out for anybody who comes calling, but I've done my research and this is a project I'd love to put my (extremely limited) weight behind.

I'm an extreme proponent of the indie horror genre, which has produced some of my favorite scary movies of the year like V/H/S 2, You're Next, and 100 Bloody Acres. Despite their low budgets, indie films are unencumbered by the messy red tape of the studio system and have a lot more freedom to explore being insightful - and scary!

This particular film was dreamed up by an avid horror fan (and 13-year-old girl) while she was recovering from surgery. Cowritten with her father, Carver is an homage to classic 80's slasher films with a group of teens, a mysterious accident, and all practical effects. For a more thorough plot synopsis, you can click here.

Indie horror is a great game to get behind if you're a fan of the genre and if you could donate even a couple dollars, I'm sure they would appreciate it (and if they don't meet their Kickstarter goal in time, you will not be charged). I support the genre, I support young horror fans (Can you believe there are people alive today who have never seen a Freddy Krueger movie? The last good one came out just a few months after I was born), and I support Carver.

You can reach the Kickstarter here!

And in honor of young horror buffs everywhere, here is


10. The Obligatory Inclusions (Poltergeist, The Exorcist, The Sixth Sense, The Shining)

Played By: Heather O'Rourke, Linda Blair, Haley Joel Osment, Lisa and Louise Burns

These are the kids that absolutely needed to be on the list but are too standard to really be interesting. It's like saying your favorite band is The Beatles. Everybody knows. Nobody cares.

9. Freddy's Entourage (the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise)

Played by: Every child actor in the 80's.

One, two, Freddy's coming for you...

One of the creepiest parts of a very creepy movie, these little girls are so mysterious it's not even clear that they actually exist. As the sequels got bigger and more clownish, the number of children multiplied in accordance and by the sixth movie, there's an entire church balcony filled with a chorus of creepy children. It's pretty hilarious to watch the progression.

8. Debbie (Bloody Birthday)

Played By: Elizabeth Hoy

Little Debbie is ruthless. Although she is part of a trio of sociopathic children, she's the blank-faced ringleader and the only creepy thing in a run-of-the-mill slasher film. She exploits her slutty sister by charging boys money to look through a peephole in her closet, she kills her dad for no reason, and she's the only one who makes it through unpunished, free to kill again.

7. Isaac (Children of the Corn)

Played By: John Franklin

Would you believe Franklin was 25 when he played this role? At an early age he was diagnosed with growth hormone deficiency, which severely stunted his aging process and allowed him to absolutely own the role of Isaac, bringing an adult sensibility to a child's body. Fun facts: He played Cousin Itt in The Addams Family and also he's gay, so I'm pretty proud to call him a brother in arms.

6. Karen Cooper (Night of the Living Dead - 1968)

Played By: Kyra Schon

My intense apathy toward Night of the Living Dead has been noted before, but that doesn't change the fact that this little girl zombie stabbing her mother with a trowel is a powerful and unforgettable moment.

5. Jennifer ([REC])

Played By: Claudia Silva

She just has tonsilitis, guys...

4. Toshio Saeki (Ju-On)

Played By: Yuya Ozeki

Ozeki's only role was Toshio Saeki, the ghost son of Ju-On's resident stringy haired denizen of the night. Played to perfection four times in a row, Toshio is consistently my favorite part of any of these movies. He rarely brings death directly, he'd rather hang out and look creepy in the corner, heralding the arrival of his mother.

3. Lindsey Wallace (Halloween - 1978)

Played By: Kyle Richards

Lindsey is the best because she just don't care. Her babysitter tries to boss her around (Shut this dog up!  Help me get unstuck from this window!) but she just ignores her and watches monster movies on TV.

2. Jamie Lloyd (Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers)

Played By: Danielle Harris

Jamie Lloyd takes after her mother (Laurie Strode, in an alternate universe. Things get weird in the later sequels) and is the second most effective final girl in the franchise. She managed to escape Michael Myers' wrath twice before she hit double digits.

1. Tommy Jarvis (Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter)

Played By: Corey Feldman, of all people

He fought Jason Voorhees three consecutive times and lived to tell the tale.

Tommy is an expert mask maker and boob ogler and he kicks butt, wailing on Jason's skull with his own machete. Also he grows up to look like this

A trade-up from Corey Feldman, to be honest.
Word Count: 888

No comments:

Post a Comment