Census Bloodbath: If I'm Gonna Tell It, Then I Gotta Tell It All

Year:
1985
Director:
Mark Blair
Cast:
Robert A. Burns, Dennis Hill, Berkley Garrett
Run Time:
1 hour 35 minutes
MPAA Rating: R

Plot: Don't be fooled by the cover art (which comes from the movie's 1992 video release, totally coincidentally around the same time when The Silence of the Lambs was at its peak popularity). The serial killer in Confessions of a Serial Killer looks more like Steve Christie from Friday the 13th than Hannibal Lecter.

Loosely based on the story of Henry Lee Lucas (who also inspired the infinitely more iconic Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, which we'll be taking a look at once we get to 1986), Confessions follows the exploits of one Daniel Ray (Robert A. Burns, a Texan who is better known for his work as an art director on a few lil' projects like The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, The Hills Have Eyes, Tourist Trap, The Howling, Re-Animator, Blood Song, and Mausoleum).

Daniel Ray has been apprehended by Texas authorities and is in the process of being interrogated by Sheriff Will Gaines (Berkley Garrett), which facilitates a variety of flashbacks to murders, some of which he may be lying about being involved in. This doesn't come to much, don't worry. Eventually in these flashbacks, he teams up with fellow serial killer Moon Lewton (Dennis Hill of Mongrel) and his sister Molly (Sidney Brammer). 

Daniel eventually gets a job as a handyman for the preacher Dr. Earl Krivics (Ollie Handley), where his reign of terror is isolated to a single location long enough that the people around him grow suspicious.

Analysis: I think that Confessions of a Serial Killer would very much like to be viewed as a successor to The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. Almost as much as it later wanted to be viewed as a predecessor to Henry. This desire is indicated by its Texas setting, its light sprinkle of Ed Gein iconography, its opening title card touting the story's connection to real-life events, the presence of Robert A. Burns (who was brought on as art director initially and took the lead role when the original actor dropped out), and the quasi-family of hillbillies that is formed when the Newtons join the fray.

However, it forgets a few important elements of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, like the fact that it is made by a confident, competent filmmaker. Or that it tells a coherent story. Or that it's a good movie.

Unfortunately, Confessions is an utterly bland affair that is hampered by the very format that gives it its title. The flatly lit, flatly performed interrogation scenes do absolutely nothing other than drag the movie out to feature length. Not that cutting the interrogation would have helped all that much, because the murder vignettes that the movie keeps flashing back to are unilaterally bloodless.

Every single kill that could have been worth a damn takes place offscreen. We are mostly just treated to scenes of Daniel hanging out with his prospective victims that then make sure to judiciously cut away at the proper moment, lest anything interesting happen. 

Not that the editing really needed to help. One of the only onscreen kills is so poorly shot and staged that at no point are you made aware of what weapon is actually being used. The whole endeavor is frustrating and hollow: basically the slasher version of those YouTube videos where they remove the laugh track from an old sitcom. 

And, regardless of the anemic kills, a worthwhile "hero killer" movie this ain't. Confessions of a Serial Killer doesn't have a single iota of insight into the mind of its protagonist, which is a terrible shame, because he yammers on and on and on, both within the flashbacks and in voiceover.

That said, there are a few tense pre-murder sequences to be had. The opening scene where Daniel's menacing a woman with car trouble and an act two moment where he's chasing a hitchhiker through a cornfield actually manage to conjure a few moments of intensity.

The best of these scenes all come during the final third, which is the only part of the movie that in any way resembles a story with forward momentum. Things eventually coalesce into a more-or-less serialized story that roughly resembles the finale of a proper slasher movie, which allows you to actually almost care what happens to the characters around Daniel.

Here, we get a barrage of reasonably well-executed slasher tropes, including a shower scene and a "victim just barely misses catching the attention of potential helpers" moment. Dr. Krivics' daughter Monica (DeeDee Norton) even gets the chance to pull together a half-decent Final Girl sequence, which sees Daniel chasing her across multiple locations and her pulling off a few clever tricks in the process.

However, even the best moments of the movie are hampered by the fact that Burns is giving a flat, affectless performance that completely fails to cover up the limitations that the character of Daniel already has on paper. Literally, the only moments where Burns truly comes alive are the ones where his character is about to drink a milkshake. Which is a method acting technique that I would also be happy to use, by the way. But all I'm saying is that maybe he shouldn't have been tasked with leading a movie with this little else to offer.

Killer: Daniel Ray (Robert A. Burns)

Final Girl: N/A

Best Kill: Uh... none? Or, bar that, the one where Daniel and Moon are chainsawing a victim in their garage while Monica spies on them. Which is offscreen, of course. But the scene is noteworthy because Monica is spying on them, and she is discovered because she somehow forgot to turn off the radio she always carries around with her, which was previously drowned out by the chainsaw noise.

Sign of the Times: Monica has a huge Wham! poster on her bedroom wall.

Scariest Moment: The opening scene, where Daniel tampers with a stranded woman's car and gives her a ride, where he spends an alarming amount time clearing off the middle console (the better to reach her) before actually going in for the kill.

Weirdest Moment: When Monica heads upstairs to take a shower, she grabs a donut, which she is still munching on as she turns on the shower. It conveniently vanishes right before she actually steps in. 

Champion Dialogue: “If I can keep them young girls from hitchhiking, I'll know my life has important meaning after all."

Body Count: 11; not including a client named Pauline, who is presumably killed offscreen, but we never even see her onscreen to begin with.

1. Stranded Motorist is killed with a switchblade offscreen.
2. Prostitute is bludgeoned with a stick.
3. Louisiana Hitchhiker is killed offscreen by Moon.
4. Karen Grimes is killed offscreen, presumably by Moon.
5. Convenience Store Clerk is shot by Moon.
6. Convenience Store Customer is shot.
7. Carjacking Victim is chainsawed offscreen.
8. Doris is stabbed in the back with... something by Molly.
9. Cop is shot in the back by Molly.
10. Molly is shot.
11. Monica is presumably killed offscreen.

TL;DR: Confessions of a Serial Killer is a bland, scattershot affair that at least has a few solid slasher scenes nestled inside it.

Rating: 4/10

Word Count: 1204