Yet another article rescued from the gaping hole that was once Blumhouse.com
Horror is a genre that allows filmmakers’ imaginations to run wild, concocting bombastic grotesqueries that viewers could never even dream of. But there’s one place where the audience can turn the tables and invent stories so wickedly gruesome that even horror directors have to bow down to their terrifying skill: romantic horror fan fiction. If horror movies freak you out, you’re in no way prepared for the truly unsettling couplings explored in the weirdly wide world of fanfiction.net. Here are five of my favorite discoveries.
A word of warning: Some of the stories linked in this article contain mature, NSFW themes. The excerpts I have selected are reasonably tame, but reader discretion is advised if you wish to explore the source material.
ORIGINAL FREDDY AND REMAKE FREDDY FIGHT OVER NANCY THOMPSON
Do I recommend that anybody read the 11-chapter 2013 NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET fan fiction story “When Worlds Collide?” Hell no! But the concept itself is mighty intriguing. Robert Englund Freddy and Jackie Earle Haley Freddy must face off for supremacy, and original Freddy must protect Heather Langenkamp’s Nancy Thompson from the iron claw of his dark, edgy counterpart. Rooney Mara’s Nancy Holbrook is there too, but even she seems to recognize that she’s not important to this story.
Anyway, a dark attraction begins to form between Freddy and Nancy, who is now putting herself through college: Freddy attempts to resist it:
This to him he felt was now an even bigger battle to face than dealing with the imposter. He could win that battle easily but this one was oh so much worse.
While trying to force any kind of romance between Freddy and his premiere victim is deeply icky, the “worlds colliding” idea actually isn’t half bad. It’s the natural next step from FREDDY VS. JASON if you’re looking for a kind of rad crossover battle. Unfortunately, this story doesn’t really deliver, but something solid could definitely come from that kind of concept.
JASON VOORHEES FALLS IN LOVE WITH THE TELEKINETIC TINA SHEPARD… A LOT
Through his long and storied history, FRIDAY THE 13TH’s Jason Voorhees has squared off against a great deal of powerful and beautiful women, but for some reason fan fiction authors have latched onto one in particular: PART VII: THE NEW BLOOD’s Tina Shepard. My current working theory for this is that her telekinetic powers make her an even match for the hulking undead killer, and teens especially can paint her as a Carrie-esque outcast, misunderstood by society. Anyone who’s been a teenager knows that that character archetype is pretty appealing at that age.
That’s probably the only way to explain 2016’s “Barton Hollow,” which begins like this:
It never started off soft or sweet, only violent, resentful, and grim as the reality they were born into. Only afterwards did tenderness come into play but it can’t erase the dark nature that is their relationship. Misery loves company.
The emo dramatics quickly backslide into a bizarre anti-romance about Jason biting her on the shoulder, but 2015’s “It’s Different” takes things even further, focusing on one particular confrontation, where Jason has Tina pressed threateningly against a wall, about to disembowel her while she holds back his arm with telekinetic force:
“Are you going to do something or just gonna hold me awkwardly here?”
That story ends with this romantic coda:
Jason has better things to do than think about Tina Shepard or how this girl made him feel… different.
So very different.
People are looking at THE NEW BLOOD and imprinting it with their own fantasies of a romance between two outcasts, which is… fine? I guess. You’d just think the zombie murderer who doesn’t speak wouldn’t be quite so appealing to so many people. And these stories are just two examples! There are practically more Jason/Tina pairings than there are FRIDAY THE 13TH movies.
SLEEPAWAY CAMP’S ANGELA GETS A BLOODY VALENTINE FROM HARRY WARDEN
OK, for the purposes of maintaining everyone’s sanity, I’m going to go ahead and assume we’re talking about the grown-up Angela played by Pamela Springsteen in SLEEPAWAY CAMP II and III. In an intriguing display of slasher synergy from the creatively titled 2016 story “My Bloody Valentine,” she has apparently struck up a friendship with Harry Warden, MY BLOODY VALENTINE’s Canadian miner killer. Never mind the fact that the killer in the movie was only pretending to be Harry Warden – I don’t think we can expect a great deal of film comprehension from the folks at fanfiction.net.
Although, weirdly enough, this fascinating opening line unnecessarily drags in a dangerously detailed account of Warden’s backstory, so who even knows:
After he had heard about Angela Baker and Paul’s relationship, Harry Warden felt rage growing inside of him, more rage than when he had first learned that he and his coworkers had been left for dead in the mine because his supervisors wanted to go to the Valentines dance.
This story is actually weirdly compelling, retconning Paul’s death from the original SLEEPAWAY CAMP as a crime of Harry Warden’s jealous passion, whereupon he pulls his classic move: Giving Angela Paul’s heart along with a sweet Valentine poem.
Oh, my love
Please don’t cry
I’ll wash my bloody hands and
We’ll start a new life
I don’t know much at all
I don’t know wrong from right
All I know is that I love you tonight
This story hilariously ends with the couple pinning the murder on a homeless man who lives in the woods (how romantic!). I actually greatly enjoyed this one. It’s a totally bugnuts glimpse into the mind of a young (I hope) horror fan. I think I’ll leave you with one more choice excerpt as a parting gift. Here are the story’s final lines:
“Goodbye, my bloody Valentine,” Harry said giving Angela a masked kiss
“It’s not Valentine’s Day,” Angela said.
“Don’t care” Harry said disappearing under the cabin.
ASH WILLIAMS FINDS HIS OTHER HALF IN BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER
2011’s “Fire & Ice” is a short one, but boy oh boy is it packed with detail. I’m not sure what teen adores both THE EVIL DEAD and BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER with equal fervor, but I feel like they deserve a high five. For their taste, not the story, which is a bizarre but passionate comparison between the warmth of Ash’s body and the cold metal chill of his chainsaw hand:
Often, it began with a simple touch, fingers brushing against an arm, a cheek, a shoulder, and it was heat shared between Chosen Ones, heat to even she raised beneath the Californian sun.
It’s actually not half bad as an organizing metaphor, and I suppose these two would have a lot to talk about. You know what? I could get behind this pairing. If they made a sitcom about Buffy and Ash sharing an apartment, I would definitely binge-watch it.
JASON VOORHEES AND MICHAEL MYERS DOUBLE DATE WITH FREDDY KRUEGER AND GHOSTFACE
Throughout the 80’s, the question that plagued the minds of many a horror fanatic was “Who would win in a fight between Freddy and Jason?” Well now that that question was (sort of) answered in FREDDY VS. JASON, fans have moved on to the question “What if Freddy and Jason went on a double date?”
Please give a warm welcome to Invaderdoom78, the mastermind behind that MY BLOODY VALENTINE/SLEEPAWAY CAMP crossover. The author couldn’t resist throwing more meat in the stew with the 2015 story “Jason x Michael and Freddy x Ghostface Double Date.” It’s in no way remotely clear that the author is aware that Ghostface is a mantle taken on by multiple people throughout the SCREAM Franchise, but what they lack in detail retention, punctuation, or creative titling, they make up for with a pretty fun story that stays weirdly true to the characters at its center.
Of course there’s a Mary Sue character named Jennifer added to the story, but she’s just a bookend, introduced into the story as Jason’s “camp-sitter,” looking over Crystal Lake while he’s away:
“You know what to do, right?” Jason thought.
“Yes, kill trespassers, clean up the bodies, stay hidden as much as possible, and uh, throw the dead through windows.”
“Good girl,” Jason thought rustling her hair “Let’s go” he motioned towards the door.
This hilariously blasé story continues to a restaurant, where they’re served by a terrified waiter as tensions flare between Freddy and Jason (who can apparently communicate telepathically, though Michael doesn’t seem to have a problem talking). This anger turns into a drinking contest, and the couples head off to the movies (POLTERGEIST!) and the carnival, leaving a slashed-up bartender in their wake. Their competition continues through a half dozen carnival games (Freddy wins Ghostface a stuffed Pikachu, because why not) until the night is rudely interrupted by Dr. Loomis and Tommy Jarvis. Basically, it’s the four-part crossover we didn’t know we needed.
Then, of course, Jennifer returns for one last stinger with a line that may or may not have been intended to be funny, but got me guffawing so loud it freaked out my cat:
“Did you kill anybody?” Jason asked, actually speaking, taking off his mask, placing both it and the fish bowl on the end table.
“I did,” Jennifer grunted getting up as Michael took off his mask, ”Then I got shot in the butt by some guy who was dieing, so I left.”
What a ride.
The world of fan fiction is wet and wild, and I definitely had a good time doing my research on this article. But remember, this was performed by a professional horror nerd. Do not try this at home, unless you want to be mortified to your very core.