Wednesday, May 1, 2013

BH: Five Slasher Villains You Can Take Home to Mom

Yet another article rescued from the gaping hole that was once

Valentine’s Day is almost here, and a lot of people are feeling the pressure to get out there and find someone to share a box of chocolate-covered strawberries with. Yes, it’s unfair and fueled by corporate whims — but sometimes it’s inescapable. So when your little black book is empty, and all the eligible bachelors seem to be in relationships, afraid of commitment, or hiding from the law, what’s a single person to do?
Maybe it’s time to turn to the movies. No, not romantic comedies… I mean slasher films!
A lot of slasher villains are grotesque, bloodthirsty monstrosities — but every now and again, you’ll come across a handsome young swain with a bright smile, broad shoulders, and a decent job. He’s a catch… if you don’t mind a couple extracurricular murder sprees.
Here are five fine young murderers who are single and ready to mingle!
Bachelor number one is a hale, hearty young man working a steady gig at Ira’s Toys. Billy was raised by nuns — which is a huge plus if faith is important to you and your family — and his parents perished in a tragic roadside attack, so you won’t have to worry about impressing the in-laws! His only baggage is a deep dislike of Christmas, and a penchant for murdering children in a Santa costume. But if you keep him away from the red and white wool and rent a beach house every December, you’ll be set for life.
Now, here’s an easy one! Will Benson is a motivated college student with a playful personality — and as long as you don’t attempt to murder his dad, you’re good! (Hopefully you have enough dating experience to already know to avoid that faux pas.) Will is also tremendously charismatic and creative — so much so that he can fake a radio show so well he can lure an entire victim pool to the Caribbean, in spite of making a simple mistake that could have blown the whole operation. The boy can think on his feet — a great quality in any potential mate.
Adam Carr  (VALENTINE)
Adam has an excellent track record so far: he’s clearly a sucker for Valentine’s Day, and he spared his girlfriend from his previous holiday murder spree. That means if you get together, you’re in the clear! As long as you don’t mind him coming home smelling of blood and candy hearts every February, you can find yourself a companion in this handsome journalist. OK, so he’s also a recovering alcoholic… but come on. Nobody’s perfect.
Douglas Breen (THE FAN)
This might be a bit of a deep cut, but if you’re not in love with early ’80s Michael Biehn, your eyes aren’t open. Sure, this coiffed hunk might be a little obsessed with Lauren Bacall — writing her dirty letters and sneaking into her apartment — but who doesn’t have a celebrity crush? Half the people reading this would do the same thing for Ryan Gosling. As long as you keep the conversation Hollywood-free, he’ll be a sparkling addition to your parents’ next diner party.
Norman Bates (PSYCHO)
What parent wouldn’t adore an entrepreneurial young man who runs his own motel? Sure, Norman’s pretty vanilla looking… but you’ll soon find out that he has his freaky side. A word of caution: Maybe don’t let him introduce you to his mother. She’s a sight for sore eyes… and she doesn’t take kindly to strangers.

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