The Texts Are Coming From Inside The House

Year: 2011

Director: Wes Craven

Cast: Neve Campbell, David Arquette, Courteney Cox

Run Time: 1 hour 51 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

Here we are at the end of yet another of my franchise marathons. However, like so many of these slasher villains have proven, it’s never truly the end. Betweens remakes, reboots crossovers, and recalibrations, all our favorite killers remain indestructible. In fact, Scream itself is experiencing new life as a surprisingly watchable teen soap on MTV. Nevertheless, let’s take a moment to reflect on where some notable franchises have left us, in honor of the Scream tradition of contemplating the rules and formulas of horror films.

Friday the 13th left this world in a blaze of glory with the one-two punch of the insane, alternately blisteringly gory and leadenly dull Jason Goes to Hell and the zippy but senile Jason X. A Nightmare on Elm Street gave us Wes Craven’s New Nightmare, a thoughtful, chilling masterpiece that reflected on the decade of crap that came before it and recycled it back into something great. Halloween (reviews yet to come) tossed Michael Myers to the winds of the new millennium, letting him get torn apart by the twin evils of web television and Busta Rhymes. Texas Chainsaw introduced Leatherface to Illuminati nipples. And Saw forgot they were even making a film halfway through, leaving their main character quite literally on the cutting room floor.

So what are we to take from all of this? Well, mainly that late sequels suck, except where Wes Craven is involved. Now, 2011 Wes Craven was a much different, softer man than 1994 Wes Craven, and that’s the truth. Scream 4 is no New Nightmare and it doesn’t go around changing any games that I can see. But it’s a damn sight better than it has any right to be, especially coming on the heels of the appalling Scream 3.

I mean, just by extent of not having that dumb-ass voice changer box, this film is like Casablanca in comparison to Scream 3.

Scream 4 begins by retracing its roots. Wait, let me back up. Scream 4 begins with a tongue-in-cheek, self-devouring, instantly divisive opening sequence that I am loathe to spoil if you haven’t seen it, though I err on the side of liking it. Then it retraces its roots, for the first time bringing consummate survivor Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell) back to her hometown of Woodsboro, California. It’s been over a decade since the series of three murder sprees that defined her life, launching the wildly popular Stab series of horror films (the first three of which were based on her life, the rest of which get increasingly inane, all of which I hope somebody makes one day), and sending her to the top of the best-seller list as the author of a book about stepping out of the shadows, denouncing your role as a victim, and becoming a survivor.

Of course, the second she arrives in town a new murder spree begins as the villainous Ghostface (the evergreen Roger Jackson) turns his attentions to Sidney’s young niece (Emma Roberts) and her bland teen friends, of whom the only important one is the inimitable Kirby (Hayden Panettiere), a horror buff who oozes confidence and androgynous apathy. Sidney must once again team up with Sheriff Dewey (David Arquette) and his wife Gale Weathers (Courteney Cox) to solve these murders and just maybe save their crumbling marriage.

At least fictionally. Sometimes meta scripts can be painful.

Scream 4 is neither the apotheosis of what a modern take on Scream could be, nor is it the black mark on the franchise that some die-hard fans make it out to be. It politely engages with some modern technological advances (Facebook, Twitter, speakerphone, that sort of thing – trés Gossip Girl), mulls a bit over what it means to be a horror film in the Age of Remakes, and waves at new distribution technology and torture porn in the hallway before realizing it doesn’t actually recognize them and pretending it was swatting a fly or something. There are a few ideas that it bats around about as smoothly as a 46-year-old screenwriter and a 71-year-old director can be expected to (ie. about as well as asking them to navigate Tumblr). But otherwise it finds a fairly solid amount of actual material to work with.

It helps to think of it as Scream Lite, for the viewer on the go who wants to watch their brain cell expenditure. Sure it can be a little goofy (like their dogged assertion that naming a deputy “Anthony Perkins” is a subtle in-joke/veritable laugh riot), and maybe it’s a little flabby around the middle and during its extended finale, and yeah it is never ever scary, but it’s also a great deal of fun. Which is more than I can say for the embalmed gags and McDreamy preening of Scream 3. It’s an excuse to drop into the world of these characters one more time, and though it might be fleeting, it’s hard to find fault in that.

And now that the 90’s are over, we’ll never ever have to look at an all-denim ensemble again.

Admittedly, a lot of Scream 4 is coasting, though when it’s on autopilot it’s at least on the level of a Halloween: H20 rather than an I Know What You Did Last Summer, if that’s any comfort. And when the film is shaken awake, there are some moments that genuinely come alive. The film plays with the ubiquity of video cameras in the modern world, utilizing the technology to create multiple angle perspectives on some of the more effective tension sequences.

Now that I’m done making a total nerd of myself, it’s time to… do that a little bit more. Because the continuity editing in Gale’s scenes is just embarrassing, and I would be remiss if I didn’t bring that up at least once.

Anybody agree? No? Just me?

OK, I need to get my act together with some semblance of a conclusion here. Scream 4 has just really distracted me with its baffling uncategorizability. Scream 4 is an ultimately satisfying bumpy ride with veteran franchise actors squaring off against airbrushed MTV personalities, wooden quips rubbing shoulders with chewy subtext about victimization and American celebrity, and a kick-ass mod rock soundtrack by The Sounds not quite clashing with a romantic Western Marco Beltrami score that reminds us just how valuable he is to this series. In short, it’s a hot mess, but a happy one. Like a plate of nachos. Or a Sia music video.

After all I’ve been through, I can’t say I’m disappointed by that.

Body Count: 15

1. Trudy is stabbed in the chest.
2. Sherrie has her throat slit.
3. Rachel is stabbed in the gut.
4. Marnie is killed offscreen.
5. Jenny is stabbed to death.
6. Olivia is stabbed to death.
7. Rebecca is stabbed in the gut.
8. Hoss is stabbed in the back.
9. Perkins is stabbed in the forehead.
10. Mrs. Roberts is stabbed through the back of the neck.
11. Robbie is stabbed to death.
12. Kirby is stabbed in the gut.
13. Trevor is shot in the head.
14. [Charlie is stabbed in the heart.]
15. [Jill is shot in the chest.] 

TL;DR: Scream 4 is a messy, but decent franchise ender (for now).

Rating: 7/10

Word Count: 1217

Reviews In This Series
Scream (Craven, 1996)
Scream 2 (Craven, 1997)
Scream 3 (Craven, 2000)
Scream 4 (Craven, 2011)

Hellular Telephones

Year: 2000

Director: Wes Craven

Cast: Neve Campbell, Courteney Cox, David Arquette

Run Time: 1 hour 57 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

Wes Craven is not a horror director. That is to say – like so many before him – he is a director who began his career with a pair or earth-shaking horror flicks and was immediately put in a box, not really allowed to do anything outside the genre. You’ll never catch me complaining about this, because the man has turned out some of the best genre pictures in three consecutive generations. But the fact remains that Craven had other stories to tell.

It was in pursuit of one of those stories – 1999’s Music of the Heart, starring Meryl Streep,  - that Craven was strong-armed into helming the third entry in the Scream franchise. He agreed to come back in exchange for a green light on his heartwarming violin picture. Needless to say, his music-loving heart wasn’t in it. And neither was Kevin Williamson. 

The screamsmith was far too busy with the seminal, life-changing teen soap Dawson’s Creek to write more than a treatment, and screenplay duties were left to one Ehren Kruger, who must have gotten the gig on the strength of his last name alone, because his CV is a gaping hole that eventually leads to such pivotal masterworks as The Ring Two and three Transformers sequels.

As you may have already guessed, the Scream 3, she is not so good.

I mean, maybe it might have been if Meryl Streep was in it.

Scream 3 instantly starts us off on the wrong foot with its cameo opening deaths: recurring character Cotton Weary (Live Schreiber) and his girlfriend Christine (Kelly Rutherford). Cotton I can understand. We’re capping off a trilogy after all. But Kelly Rutherford? She’s so inadequately famous for this role that Scream 3 is listed second on her IMDb “Known For” page. That’s just embarrassing.

Anyway, these two get murdered using a plot device so New Millennium, it’s all I can take not to vomit all over my keyboard: Apparently Ghostface (the ever reliable Roger Jackson) now has a voice processor machine, via which he can perfectly imitate the voice of any character in the movie. This is technology that doesn’t even exist now, 15 years later, and it s deeply, unequivocally irritating. It would be a better plot point just to say that he’s great at doing impressions and leave it at that. It would still be hideously ludicrous, but at least it doesn’t make me want to smash my Blu-Ray disc against a concrete wall.

Alright, it’s out of my system. Scream 3 depicts the production of Stab 3: Return to Woodsboro, a sequel to the two highly successful horror films based on the life and times of Sidney Prescott (Never Campbell), who had two sets of her friends get murdered in high school and college. Fun stuff. Real life Sidney is now a recluse, living in a remote house in the mountains and working for a women’s crisis counseling hotline. When the cast of Stab 3 begins to die in the order that they are killed in the script, Sidney once again teams up with Woodsboro deputy-turned Hollywood consultant Dewey Riley (David Arquette),  and the acid-tongued reporter Gale Weathers (Courteney Cox), as well at the newcomer, the movie-loving, suspiciously macabre Detective Kincaid (McDreamy).

Ah, don’t you miss the 2000’s?

Honestly, this is a great plot on paper. The killer is bringing the movie to life, but constant rewrites (one of the film’s more successful self-reflexive jokes) have left three versions of the script floating around, and nobody knows which copy the killer got a hold of. But just like Scream 2 before it, this great concept slips through its fingers before it even gets a chance to establish a pattern, degrading into a mush of stabbings, cell phone calls, and sinister faxes. We never even see the script we’re supposed to be worried is coming to life.

The difference between Scream 2 and this one is that it still had a solid character arc to fall back on. That film was about Sidney processing her old trauma under the shadow of a new one. This one is about Sidney sitting in a variety of comfy chairs, out of which she occasionally rises for some vigorous avoid-the-knife calisthenics.

There are some stabs (ha) at character expositions, in which Sidney’s mother Maureen (Lynn McKee) is revealed to have a secret past. But these are rendered entirely useless by the script’s dogged insistence on vilifying Maureen as being a slut because she was raped, which relies on such twisted, ugly gender politics that making Megan Fox’s ass a more nuanced character than her actual role in Transofrmers 2 actually seems like a progressive step.

Really, the script is just a drag, replacing the series’ characteristic movie references with a rotting heap of F words in a feckless attempt at being “edgy.”

Scream 3 is about as edgy as a Dungeons and Dragons die.

I do have love in my heart for all the Scream movies. Even this – the left-handed stepchild of the franchise. But sometimes you have to work hard in a loving relationship, and focus on the good, which is what I shall do here. There are a good handful of genuinely funny moments, though they are more broadly comic than the franchise is accustomed to. So at least the sense of humor is intact, though there is only one sequence (a chase scene through a stage recreation of Sidney’s old home) that even approaches the live wire tension of its predecessors. At least two moments achieve that delicate balance mingling horror and comedy, and the cast ain’t half bad.

Actually, that is to say, they’re exactly half bad. The cadre of pretty young thangs shoveled into the film’s bloated midsection (including Jenny McCarthy, Emily Mortimer, Matt Keeslar, and Deon Richmond) is uniformly anemic, though Parker Posey breaks free from the mire once she’s called upon to do some stellar one-on-one time with Courteney Cox. David Arquette, on the other hand, is the exact opposite, straining to connect the dots of his undernourished love-hate relationship with then-new wife Cox., but excelling once again at subtle, self-deprecating comedy. Cox herself is good as ever, though forced to act from behind a set of bangs that seem to have been burned off with acid. Neve Campbell and Patrick Dempsey fail to make much of an impression, spending all their time as they do gnashing their teeth at one another, but Scott Foley finds his time to shine as harried young director Roman Bridger.

Really, it’s not an inspiring set of pros. Especially not when the cons include those bangs. So I leave you with this: Scream 3 is the worst Scream movie. It’s still an alright Scream movie, but it’s the worst. What can I say? I’m in Wes Craven’s court till the day I die, but you can’t win ‘em all.

And sometimes you pick the wrong day to insult your hairstylist's favorite band.

Body Count: 10

1. Christine is stabbed in the back.
2. Cotton is stabbed in the chest.
3. Sarah is stabbed in the back and shoved through a window.
4. Stone is stabbed in the back and beaten with a pan.
5. Tom dies in a gas explosion.
6. Angelina is stabbed in the torso.
7. Tyson is stabbed in the gut.
8. Jennifer is stabbed in the back and shot.
9. John Milton has his throat sit. 
10. [Roman is shot in the head.]

TL;DR: Scream 3 is the weakest of a fairly strong bunch.

Rating: 5/10

Word Count: 1266
Reviews In This Series
Scream (Craven, 1996)
Scream 2 (Craven, 1997)
Scream 3 (Craven, 2000)
Scream 4 (Craven, 2011)

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

In the deluge of Friends related articles posted all over the internet yesterday, one of my favorites was this interactive post about which friends shared the most scenes together. Check it out!

As you can probably easily guess, Friends is very important to me. Unfortunately the show was born the same year I was, so I was far too young to watch it during its first run, but I had an equally influential experience with it. The summer before my freshman year of high school, I watched the DVD my parents had of season one on a whim.

I fell in love and with each successive allowance payment (Remember allowance? I miss it), I bought the next season, watching every episode in order on my tiny portable DVD player lying on the floor of my bedroom and loving every minute of it. That summer I watched every single one of the show's 236 episodes. I continued to watch the show every morning while I ate breakfast for a period of about three and a half years. So although I missed out on the first run, I did get the experience of viewing them all in order and a lifetime's worth of reruns, so I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything.

And all of this makes me the utmost authority on describing...

The Top Ten Friends Seasons

#10 Season Nine

Started: September 26, 2002

Ended: May 15, 2003

Highlight Episodes: "The One in Barbados," "The One with the Soap Opera Party," "The One with Phoebe's Birthday Dinner"

Although Season Nine had its fair share of comedic moments (the final episode in Barbados especially), it was bogged down with a bit too much plot. The series was drawing to a close at this point, so the show runners needed to stir the pot to provide momentum for the grand finale. Phoebe met, dated, and broke up with Mike, Rachel fell in love with Joey, and Ross started dating a beautiful paleontologist. Although it was all entertaining enough, each of the plots was clearly setting up for something much bigger so it was more anticipatory than actually telling a story.

#9 Season One

Started: September 22, 1994

Ended: May 18, 1995

Highlight Episodes: "The One with George Stephanopolous," "The One with the Dozen Lasagnas," "The Pilot"

Although Season One is responsible for making the world fall in love with Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Ross, and Rachel, like many TV sitcoms, it was still finding its feet at first. Although the clever writing was still there, the show didn't find many of its best gags and relationships until it had time to fully develop the characters and their plot lines. And this is the season where Ross gets a monkey, and I haven't met a single person who was pleased with that development.

#8 Season Seven

Started: October 12, 2000

Ended: May 17, 2001

Highlight Episodes: "The One with Chandler's Dad," "The One with All the Cheesecakes," "The One Where They're Up All Night"

Season Seven was still coasting on the high of the Friends Golden Age, which would end somewhere around Season Eight. Although the show would consistently put out a slate of stellar episodes and was by all accounts a massive success, the ratings wouldn't ever really be the same. This season might be slightly responsible for that because, for all its slickness and humor, it feels like more of the same before all the weirdness of the later seasons came in to spice things up again.

#7 Season Two

Started: September 21, 1995

Ended: May 16, 1996

Highlight Episodes: "The One with the Lesbian Wedding," "The One with the Baby On the Bus," "The One with the Prom Video"

Looking back on the show as a whole, Season Two is great but it almost feels like a different show. The cast was still settling into their roles somewhat and the design and writing were still a little stuck in the 90's. But this is the season in that cemented in the show as a major hit despite the atrocities committed by Courteney Cox's bangs.

#6 Season Ten

Started: September 25, 2003

Ended: May 6, 2004

Highlight Episodes: "The One Where Joey Speaks French," "The One with Princess Consuela," "The One Where Ross is Fine"

Season Ten was plagued with wacky scheduling and budgetary constraints and was truncated by about six episodes, but the writing team pulled together to send out the beloved show with a tremendous hurrah, resulting in some of the funniest half hours of television of the decade, although things at this point were a little too polished and modern to have the supernova charm that the show maintained throughout the late 90's.

#5 Season Eight

Started: September 27, 2001

Ended: May 16, 2002

Highlight Episodes: "The One Where Chandler Takes a Bath," "The One with the Secret Closet,"The One Where Joey Dates Rachel"

Perhaps this one is a more personal choice, but I adored Season Eight. The writers found themselves breaking out of their rut and starting playing more with the characters, pushing them every which way to see what they could do. Although Rachel's pregnancy was an odd journey, the antics of the Friends around her were enjoyable as ever.

#4 Season Five

Started: September 24, 1998

Ended: May 20, 1999

Highlight Episodes: "The One with All the Thanksgivings," "The One Where Everybody Finds Out," "The One in Vegas"

Season Five was Friends at its serialistic best. At this point, it was more than a mere sitcom. The show was allowed to have continuing story lines across episodes because who the hell wasn't watching Friends in 1998? Some of the series' most enduring comedy comes from Chandler and Monica's interactions with their Friends as they try to keep their blossoming a relationship a secret. This was the season that introduced the series' most stable intra-Friend relationship, providing a hilarious counterpoint to the ever-rocky ground that Ross and Rachel found themselves on.

#3 Season Four

Started: September 25, 1997

Ended: May 7, 1998

Highlight Episodes: "The One with the Embryos," "The One with the Jellyfish," "The One with Chandler in a Box"

Handcuffs! Thanksgiving! Free porn! Season Four had it all and, in fact, includes my very favorite episode of the entire series. Although not much plot of import happened in the long run, this season had a series of hilarious episodes that would become eventual classics.

#2 Season Six

Started: September 23, 1999

Ended: May 18, 2000

Highlight Episodes: "The One Where Ross Got High," "The One That Could Have Been," "The One Where Phoebe Runs"

The Season Six writers were on their game, providing creative avenues for the Friends' misadventures including the utterly genius alternate timeline of "The One That Could Have Been." This season cemented in the relationship of Chandler and Monica, who had surprisingly become the center of the show's romantic tension. Their heartwarming engagement in the finale kept fans on their toes and laughing.

#1 Season Three

Started: September 19, 1996

Ended: May 15, 1997

Highlight Episodes: "The One at the Beach," "The One with the Flashback," "The One Where No One's Ready"

Season Three was where the show really hit its stride as the zeitgeist hit of the decade. This season depicted the most Ross and Rachel action across the entire series and introduced mountains of callback jokes and beloved recurring characters. 30% of my top 10 episodes came from this season alone and the series was still fresh enough for every next show to feel new and exciting. This season is responsible for the success of the entire series and the reason we all remember it even an entire decade later. Thank you, Season Three.

Word Count: 1287

Hanging With My Friends

Did you feel like feeling old today? Well if not, I have bad news for you. Today marks ten years since the final episode of Friends came on the air. We've lived in a Friendsless world for a decade and I'm not OK with that. I truly love my Friends, so this post and the rest of the posts this week are dedicated to the television sitcom that shaped the bulk of my adolescent life. Today's topic is

The Top Ten Friends Episodes

#10 The One with George Stephanopoulos (Season One, Episode 4)

Air Date: October 13, 1994

Director: James Burrows

Writer: Alexa Junge

As with most TV sitcoms, the first episodes of Friends were funny, but stood on uneven ground. The audience is still learning the characters and the writers are still shaking off the cobwebs and learning how to write stories in this newly created world. "The One with George Stephanopolous" is the episode where the humor and the plot really started to click and the girls' sleepover showcased what would soon become the show's strong suit - just letting these characters be themselves and hang out, allowing us a glimpse into their lives without stress or absurd stakes, merely letting the humor and joie de vivre speak for themselves.

Best Line:

Monica: Hey Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?

Joey: Probably kill myself.

Monica: Excuse me? 

Joey: Hey, if Little Joey's dead, I've got no reason to live.

Ross: Um, Joey. OM-nipotent.

Joey: You are? I'm so sorry!  

#9 The One Where No One's Ready (Season Three, Episode 2)

Air Date: September 26, 1996

Director: Gail Mancuso

Writer: Ira Ungerleider

Perhaps the best bottle episode of all time (a trope named by the Star Trek writers for low budget episodes with no excess spending), "The One Where No One's Ready" features just the main cast in just one single location in more or less real time as Ross tries to rush and get everybody ready for a gala event at his museum. Again, letting the Friends be friends and just watching their interactions without distractions allowed for the comedy and performances to rise to the top.

Best Line:

Chandler: In the words of A. A. Milne, "Get out of my chair, dillhole."

#8 The One with the Flashback (Season Three, Episode 6)

Air Date: October 31, 1996

Director: Peter Bonerz

Writer: David Krane & Marta Kaufmann

Although TV shows are frequently prone to having "Very Special Episodes" that have nothing to do with the main plot (Glee is among the worst shows propagating the trope), the alternative episodes in Friends would rank among some of the best in the show due to the sharp writing and audience familiarity with the characters. "The One with the Flashback" the first episode to truly embark upon that path, depicting events that took place before the pilot and showing how different combinations of the Friends had near-miss sexual encounters with one another. The episode relied on previous knowledge of the characters' current personalities and situations to land most of its jokes, which could kill the comedy on a lot of shows, but not Friends. The sitcom was such a zeitgeist that nobody in the world could have had trouble understanding even the most involved punchlines.

Best Line:

Phoebe: Cute Naked Guy is really starting to put on weight.

#7 The One with All the Thanksgivings (Season Five, Episode 8)

Air Date: November 19, 1998

Director: Kevin S. Bright

Writer: Gregory S. Malins

I must love flashbacks, because "The One with All the Thanksgivings" trumps a series full of incredibly stellar Thanksgiving episodes. We get to see all of our favorite characters in awful 80's fashions, Phoebe in her past lives, and Joey making a fool out of himself as everybody competes to see who has the worst Thanksgiving story.

Best Line:

Rachel: Joey got a turkey stuck on his head?

Joey: Hey, it's not how it sounds.

Chandler: It's exactly how it sounds! 

#6 The One with Chandler's Dad (Season Seven, Episode 22)

Air Date: May 10, 2001

Director: Kevin S. Bright & Gary Halvorson

Writer: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones

LGBT representation on television in the 90's was, let's say "thin on the ground." But in a show that introduces a lesbian couple in the first season and a gay ice dancer soon after that, Friends was never afraid of addressing the topic, and it has never been funnier than when Chandler visits his father's drag revue in Las Vegas. Sure, her getup is played for laughs but it's a comedy show. At heart, this character is taken very seriously and despite Chandler's hesitations (due to his own insecurities about his sexuality), he really does love his dad (played to the nines by the stunning Kathleen Turner). And the rest of us do too, because he's freaking hilarious.

Best Line:

Chandler: He had sex with Mr. Garibaldi!

Monica: Who's Mr. Garibaldi?

Chandler: Does it matter?! 

#5 The One Where Joey Speaks French (Season Ten, Episode 13)

Air Date: February 19, 2004

Director: Gary Halvorson

Writer: Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer

Although the scheduling for the tenth season was haphazard due to the show's impending finale and the stars' enormous salaries, it provided some of the funniest episodes yet, including "The One Where Joey Speaks French," which tells the heartwarming tale of Joey utterly failing to pick up a foreign language in order to audition for a play, much to Phoebe's dismay. It's a hilarious cautionary tale. Kids, make sure that if you put something on your resume, you can actually do that thing. Blee Bloo Blah!

Best Line:

Joey: My audition is tomorrow! Che ble blah! Me la pee! Oublah! Poo...

#4 The One That Could Have Been (Season Six, Episodes 15 & 16)

Air Date: February 17, 2000

Director: Michael Lembeck

Writer: Gregory S. Malins & Adam Chase / David Krane & Marta Kaufmann

Here's another alternative timeline episode that relies on current knowledge of the show to slam dunk the jokes. This two parter shows what the Friends' lives would have been like if Monica was still fat, Chandler was a struggling writer, Rachel had married Barry, Ross had never gotten divorced, Joey never got fired from Days of Our Lives, and Phoebe had taken that job at Merrill-Lynch. The episode provided a great opportunity for the actors to play around with their characters and was a breath of fresh air in the middle of a show that had fallen into an expected (but admittedly hilarious) routine.

Best Line:

Monica: Phoebe, having a heart attack is just nature's way of telling you to slow down.

Chandler: I always thought having a heart attack was nature's way of telling you to die... But - you're not gonna die. Well, you are gonna die. But you're not gonna die today. I wish I was dead.

#3 The One Where Ross Got High (Season Six, Episode 9)

Air Date: November 25, 1999

Director: Kevin Bright

Writer: Gregory S. Malins

Remember when I said that Thanksgiving episodes were typically the best? I wasn't kidding. The joy that stems from them relies again on the interaction between just the Friends themselves and only one or two guest stars. This time around, Ross and Monica's parents are in town for the holiday and the plot descends into an I Love Lucy style farce as Rachel screws up dessert and everybody else attempts to keep secrets hidden from one another. The explosion that occurs at the very end is one of the funniest minutes of television ever filmed.

Best Line:

Joey: What's not to like? Custard, good. Jam, good. Meat, good!

#2 The One at the Beach (Season Three, Episode 25)

Air Date: May 15, 1997

Director: Pamela Fryman

Writer: Pang-Ni Landrum & Mark Kunerth

By the end of season three, Friends had really gotten into the swing of things and this finale was one of the best, a sublime mixture of typical season-ending plot theatrics (Ross must choose between Rachel and his girlfriend Bonnie) and just plain stellar humor (the gang's beach vacation is ruined by a flood that renders the entire lower floor of the house covered in sand).

Best Line:

Phoebe Abbott Sr.: You know this house is an unusual house because there's three bedrooms and no bath. But the ocean's right there. 

#1 The One with the Embryos (Season Four, Episode 12)

Air Date: January 15, 1998

Director: Kevin S. Bright

Writer: Jill Condon & Amy Toomin

As Phoebe prepares to be a surrogate mother for her infertile brother's children, the rest of the gang plays a hilarious trivia game to prove which set of Friends knows each other better - Monica and Rachel or Chandler and Joey. This episode is full of unbridled joy and the trivia questions combined with Ross's apparent glee at coming up with them provide many avenues for comedy smack dab in the middle of the Friends Golden Age.

Best Line:

Joey: It's the chick. She's going through some changes.

Monica: What kind of changes?

Chandler: The vet seems to think she's becoming a rooster. We're getting a second opinion. 

Word Count: 1523

Women In Horror Month: Everyone Else

Welcome to Part 2 of my feature celebrating Women in Horror Month! Without much further ado about nothing, here's

THE TOP TEN FEMALE HORROR CHARACTERS 

(NON-FINAL GIRL DIVISION)

#10 Marion Crane (Psycho)

Played By: Janet Leigh

Most certainly not a Final Girl, Marion Crane is the woman who changed the game forever. Billed to be the star of the show but killed before the audience had even finished their milk duds, Marion is an enormously influential figure in the progress of modern horror. Also she had recently decided to return the money she stole so she's moral too! To a point.

#9 Carol Anne Freeling (Poltergeist, Poltergeist II: The Other Side, Poltergeist III)

Played By: Heather O'Rourke

I really can't handle how adorably creepy she is, and I am always struck by what an absolute tragedy O'Rourke's premature death was. So there's a lot of emotions coming into this, but Carol Anne is a sterling figure of modern classic horror. Everybody remembers the first time they saw Poltergeist, for better or for worse.

#8 Clarice Starling (Silence of the Lambs)

Played By: Jodie Foster

The only woman with enough sensitivity and intelligence to match wits with the infamous Hannibal Lecter. Clarice has a rough family history but an unmatched devotion to her job and saving the lives of others. She is the lynchpin that holds the entire film together. And let us never ever ever mention the Julianne Moore version.

#7 Clear Rivers (Final Destination, Final Destination 2)

Played By: Ali Larter

She welds metal sculptures, is the only one to believe the psychic boy, and manages to outrun death. At least until the sequel. But she gets to be a super cool survivor/spirit guide and hang out with Tony Todd so I'm still pretty jealous.

#6 Gale Wathers (Scream, Scream 2, Scream 3, Scream 4)

Played By: Courteney Cox

I've loved Friends for as long as forever, but Courteney Cox's role in the Scream franchise is the one I most indelibly associate with her. This feisty, assertive reporter with the heart of gold and a suitcase full of one-liners rampages her way across the screen with an energy and verve that Monica Geller, love her though I do, just can't match.

#5 Dr. Katherine McMichaels (From Beyond)

Played By: Barbara Crampton

A surprisingly complex figure for a movie that features copious amounts of slime and a leather S&M outfit, Dr. McMichaels is driven to madness by her ambition and selfish egotism. She is one of many bricks in the argument that B movies have much more going on beneath the surface than your average horror viewer might think.

#4 Sophie (100 Bloody Acres)

Played By: Anna McGahan

With two hot Aussies wrapped around her finger, Sophie is living the life. And after being captured by a pair of bumbling brothers in the Outback, she is smart enough to continue living that life. She's not perfect, but she's just trying to get along any way she knows how. She's scrappy, resourceful, and spunky and I love her.

#3 Moira O'Hara (American Horror Story: Murder House)

Played By: Frances Conroy, Alexandra Breckenridge

Moira is one of the most poignant characters in the entire series. In a season packed with one-dimensionally evil, twisted ghosts, Moira stands supreme as a complex figure. Neither good nor evil, she is merely tragically imprisoned in the site of her murder and infidelity. Supremely resonant. Also young Moira is hot as Hades.

#2 Melanie Daniels (The Birds)

Played By: Tippi Hedren

I've talked about her plenty of times before, but Melanie Daniels is a force to be reckoned with. At first she seems every bit the young, flighty socialite, but as we explore her relationship with Mitch and his mother, her character expands into an entire universe of subtlety and range. I hope more people will come to side with me on loving The Birds far more than the also great but less complex Psycho.

#1 Ángela Vidal ([REC], [REC] 2)

Played By: Manuela Velasco

She's cute and bubbly. She's raw and determined. She's a charming fluff news reporter. And she's the first to whip off her patent leather jacket to fashion a tourniquet. Ángela is the inimitable heart of the [REC] franchise (something the director of [REC] 3 seemed to have been unaware of - stupid, stupid man) and Velasco's performance gets deeper and deeper every time.

Word Count: 730

Redial

Year: 1997

Director: Wes Craven

Cast: Neve Campbell, Courteney Cox, David Arquette

Run Time: 2 hours

MPAA Rating: R

Alright, let's do this thing. I've been sitting on this post since I watched Scream 2 with Sergio and my family in late 2013. Considering that the film is a great sequel to one of my favorite horror movies, it shouldn't have been too hard to knock out of the park, but guess what? I had to look for jobs. And then I got one, which is not any more conducive to blog writing.

But here we are now and I've settled into a routine and found some time to really get down to business. With the beginning of the semester looming on the horizon, I decided I really should clear my slate once and for all and write up the two reviews I have been lagging behind on. So get ready for some extreme review action with power grip!

Sidebar: I would buy a Neve Campbell action figure.

So Scream happened. Upon its release in 1996, horror culture lit up like a lightning rod. Wes Craven was back in the game, as was the by then defunct slasher format, this time with a postmodern twist. Screenwriter Kevin Williamson catapulted to stardom (he would return flailing to Earth with a dull thud a few short years later, but that's a story for another time) and Hollywood was reeling in the profits.

Hot on the heels of their massive success, Dimension Films quickly commissioned a sequel, to be released a mere 51 weeks later. That might seem unimpressive to people who aren't in the film business, but let me tell you that's like demanding a mother to give birth to a fully grown child in three months. The fact that the film turned out as well as it did is largely due to what must have been some impressive contractual wrangling.

Through some unholy pact with the devil, they managed to get Craven and Williamson to sign on again, as well as stars David Arquette, Neve Campbell, Courteney Cox, and Jamie Kennedy. And composer Marco Beltrami, whose tremendous influence on the films is rarely appreciated.

While there was little to no buzz during the production of the original film (And why would there be? Nobody had any idea of the massive asteroidal impact it would have on pop culture), Scream 2 had the fan mags flying off the shelves like they were in a Ghostbusters movie and eventually the shooting script was leaked onto the Internet (which was barely even a thing at this point, but people were already learning how to use it to explore new frontiers of douchebaggery). 

Frantic rewrites and constant shifts in the killer's identity during production to avoid another leaked ending left the crew staggering. So when people complain about the final reveal of who is behind the Ghostface mask this time around (which I'll talk about more later in a spoiler-marked zone), just let them know that society didn't earn the original ending. We ruined it for ourselves. Like petulant children. So there.

At this point, I'm surprised it didn't turn out to be Fat Albert under there.

Thanks to Drew Berrymore's career-reviving turn as Casey Becker, every hot young thing in town was clambering to be the next opening victim, but the honor this time around was bestowed on a pre-Will Jada Pinkett and Omar Epps as Maureen and Phil, two college students attending the premiere of the movie Stab, which is a parody of Scream, but in this universe is based on "The Woodsboro Murders," the book Gale Weathers (Courteney Cox) wrote about her experiences in the previous film.

This meta addition to the franchise is one of many, as Scream 2 more thoroughly explores the concepts of not only characters that are aware that they're in a movie, but are aware that somebody is trying to make a sequel and possibly turn it into a franchise. Just as clever and intelligent as the first, this all makes a lot more sense if you're actually watching it, I promise. 

This element is perhaps even better than in the original Scream (although I do have one small complaint about the "copycat sequel" conceit being dropped in the second half, largely - I suspect - due to last minute rewrites), which had fun playing with genre conventions, but didn't quite utilize them to their full capacity, opting instead for more of a whodunit mystery angle. 

Anyway, Maureen and Phil bite it in a scene that is too similar to the opening of He Knows You're Alone to be unaware of its pedigree but different enough that it manages to be a completely unique (and classic) entity. Although it's somewhat disappointing that Ghostface doesn't use a phone to torment his victims in this scene, his puckish glee at dispatching them in the middle of a theater filled with people dressed in masks (to celebrate the opening of the movie) is a worthy substitute.

Is Will Smith a trade-up or a trade-down from Omar Epps? Discuss.

Moving on to the real people - Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell) is now a theatre major at Windsor College and she's just trying to move on from her tragedy. She's still friends with Randy (Jamie Kennedy), who happens to go to the same college because of course. Remember this is written by the guy who did Dawson's Creek.

She has a new boyfriend Derek (Jerry O'Connell), a pre-med student who's nice enough but much too bland, and a new best friend/roommate in Hallie (Elise Neal), who is notable for being a black character with a prominent role in the proceedings who survives for a massive chunk of the running time and has actual character traits. Yay! Diversity!

Upon the release of Stab, Sidney has been getting prank phone calls from Ghostface imitators, but she doesn't let it phase her. Things get worse when she learns about the deaths of Maureen and Phil, and she begins to fear the same things might be happening again after the death of a sorority girl named Cici (Sarah Michelle Gellar, who is introduced watching Nosferatu on TV and accompanied by a girlish squeal from Yours Truly).

Once the killings start up in earnest, Gale Weathers is back on the scene, sniffing up her scoop like a bloodhound. Also reappearing is Deputy Dewey (David Arquette), who just wants to make sure Sid is OK. But he mostly just scowls at Gale, who gave him a less than manly characterization in her tell-all book. But it's a thin line between love and hate and the two rekindle things as they work together to solve the mystery of the new serial murders.

However, it's also a thin line between mass murderer and boyfriend material so Sidney shuts herself off from the world, suspecting the killer to be somebody she knows. Everybody is a suspect! And the fact that Cotton Weary (Liev Schreiber), the man she wrongfully accused of murder is back and threatening her in order to get an interview and fifteen minutes of fame does little to comfort her.

The fact that she's learned from her experiences in the previous movie are but one of the many reasons that Scream 2 is a great sequel. Taking characters and situations from the original and either deepening them or turning them on their heads, the film is a perfect sequel - expanding greatly on the original story but also maintaining its own unique presence as a great standalone horror comedy.

And I never ever regret any second of any film where David Arquette is onscreen.

Gale's role in the original Woodsboro killings has made her a prime target for the buzzing reporters as they try to dig into the story. A great reversal from the first film, Gale finds herself shadowed by her own annoying reporter, Debbie Salt (Laurie Metcalf), a local woman who never fails to get a rise out of her (and elicit some of the best one-liners from a character with a veritable encyclopedia of bitchy putdowns).

While the comedy and the horror are mostly separate from one another (the former apparent largely in the interactions between Randy, Dewey, and Gale and the latter in the stalking scenes with Sidney), both have their moments in the spotlight with several sidesplitting scenes in the second act and two back-to-back sharply choreographed tension-filled scares in the third. 

And although the middle of the film tends toward the draggy side, the film is bookended with a series of scenes of such caliber that it's an easy fault to ignore.

And the middle does include the tremendously trippy and great "Cassandra" sequence, a holdover from Craven's days as an English professor.

Here's where we enter spoilers territory. If you are of a mind to watch this movie on your own, skip to the picture of Portia de Rossi and her terrible eyebrows. (Yes! Lindsay Bluth is in this movie!)

So. The killers. We had to come to that eventually. Originally, they were scripted to be Hallie and Derek, which would have been tremendously interesting, had the dicks on the Internet not ruined everything for the righteous and pure of heart horror fans that would never have leaked any information about a beloved franchise.

Not that I'm mad or anything.

What we do get is an overwhelmingly confusing reveal. The first killer (of course there's two) turns out to be Mickey (Timothy Olyphant), a character so inconsequential that I didn't even include him in my plot rundown. In fact, my sister didn't even remember him and thought he was Derek for about five minutes of the final scene.

And the other killer is... local reporter Debbie Salt. But she's really Billy Loomis's (the killer from the original) mother, see? In disguise! Get it? I... what? The fact that both of the killers are onscreen for about as long as the crew member who accidentally stuck his butt into one shot in Cici's scene was infuriating to many. I mean, what's the point of a mystery if the perpetrators aren't even guessable characters?

So their identities do kind of suck, but! But! The finale is still sharp and witty, making great use of Sidney's relationship with Billy and ending with some truly fantastic onstage action and zippy one-liners. It all explodes in a geyser of camp and blood and hilarity, much like the original film and loses none of Scream's integrity and engaging power.

So even though the killer's might as well have been two oven mitts, the scene they get is one for the Gods and I personally think that's an even tradeoff. After spending so much time with 80's slashers, I'm just glad that 1) I can see everything that's happening and 2) the reveal is comprehensible if you're not a schizophrenic.

Welcome back, spoilers avoiders! Now you can read on, safe in the knowledge that you won't find out that Portia's eyebrows are the killer until you watch the movie.

This review ended up much longer than I anticipated, so I'm gonna wrap up here before the last of you falls asleep at your keyboards. 

The humor is top notch, the meta is even better (the Stab scenes featuring Heather Graham and Tori Spelling are hysterically terrible), and although none of it is quite as scary as the original film and the middle can be a slog, two showstopping scenes (the girls get in a car crash with Ghostface and Gale is chased through a sound studio) and the bombastic finale make it all worth every penny.

Scream 2 is a worthy sequel despite its production woes and maintains the consistent gold standard quality of Wes Craven's 90's postmodern period. Although the legions of terrible Scream imitations were already saturating the market, this film stood above the current to prove that it could still be done well under a skillful guiding hand.

In conclusion, Portia de Rossi has terrible eyebrows.

Killer: Ghostface (voiced by Roger Jackson)

Final Girl: Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell)

Best Kill: Omar Epps is stabbed in the ear through a bathroom stall.

Sign of the Times: BROWN LIPSTICK; CiCi has one of those see-through phones.

Scariest Moment: Sidney and Hallie have to climb over an unconscious Ghostface in the front seat of a cop car.

Weirdest Moment: Ghostface threatens Sidney via instant messaging.

Champion Dialogue: "Everybody thinks sororities are just about blowjobs, but it's not true."

Body Count: 10

1. Phil is stabbed in the temple through a bathroom stall.
2. Maureen is stabbed to death in a crowded movie theater. 
3. Cici is stabbed and thrown off a balcony.
4. [Randy is stabbed to death and has his throat slit.] 
5. Officer Andrews has his throat slashed with a knife.
6. Officer Richards gets his head impaled by a pipe during a car accident.
7. Hallie is stabbed to death.
8. Derek is shot in the chest.
9. [Mickey is shot 16 times in the chest.]
10. [Mrs. Loomis is shot to death.] 

TL;DR: Scream 2 is a rare sequel that continues the story of the original in a unique and exciting way.

Rating: 9/10

Word Count: 2188

Reviews In This Series

Scream (Craven, 1996)

Scream 2 (Craven, 1997)

Scream 3 (Craven, 2000)

Scream 4 (Craven, 2011)