Archive: January 9, 2013

Texas Chainsaw 3D

Year: 2013
Director: John Luessenhop
Cast: Alexandra Daddario, Tania Raymonde, Scott Eastwood
Run Time: 1 hour, 32 minutes
MPAA Rating: R

Before we begin, let me share a little context with you. Texas Chainsaw 3D is a landmark film for me. It is the first slasher sequel that I have been able to see in the theaters and I am so eternally grateful it lived up to my expectations.

My expectations were that it would be outrageously stupid, but that’s really beside the point.

Texas Chainsaw 3D has a laughably low estimation of the intelligence of its audience. It is the most continuity-starved slasher sequel that I have ever laid my eyes on, and I have seen Jason Voorhees go from being cremated to buried in a coffin to a dead child in the sewers of New York to a miraculously adult psycho being held in the not-too-distant-futuristic Crystal Lake Research Facility. I’ve watched Laurie Strode go from being the dead mother of a 5-year-old girl in Illinois to the headmistress of a California boarding school with a teenage son and I’ve taken this all with a certain air of grace. however, the license this movie takes with the Leatherface timeline is completely unacceptable.

The movie opens with a series of shots from Tobe Hooper’s original 1974 Texas Chainsaw Massacre, showing Leatherface as he brutally (and near-bloodlessly) murders four hapless teenagers, cheered on by his three (male) family members.

Our movie picks up shortly after the lone survivor escapes when group of rednecks returns to the house to wreak bloody vengeance on the Sawyer clan. Evidently this franchise has sat far too long in the back of some producer’s closet, because moths have chewed giant holes in the plot, which at the one minute mark already begin to rear their ugly heads.

This film has the gall to claim that not only was the Sawyer family a large clan (nine or more by my counting) of men, women, and children, but also that Leatherface (mind you this takes place hours after the events of the first movie) is eight years old.

Eight. Effing. Years. Old. They literally showed footage of him as an adult man over the opening credits mere seconds before. To fully appreciate this movie you don’t have to so much turn your brain off as completely remove it and set it on a cool shelf as far away from the theater as possible.

Anyway, they shoot and/or otherwise dispatch the Sawyer clan, burning down the house in the process. One of the rednecks steals a baby from the scene of the crime (just go with it), his wife trailing behind him asking “Can we keep it?” like a child fawning over a puppy. This scene is absolutely unpleasant to watch, but not in any sort of meaningful-to-the-narrative way. You kinda come out of it just hating everyone.

Anyway, skip to modern day, and the child has blossomed into Heather Miller (Alexandra Daddario), our sweet young pair of boobs - I mean, protagonist.

She wears this for 2/3 of the movie, and when she finally changes it actually gets worse.

Anyway she and her boyfriend (Tremaine “Trey Songz” Neverson), her best friend (Tania Raymonde) and her new beau (Keram Malicki-Sánchez) are going on a road trip to New Orleans for… reasons. But first they must stop by her grandmother’s estate in Texas to sign off on some papers. Her grandmother, who she didn’t know existed until now - she is positively grumpy to learn that she was adopted - has died, leaving her the house. They pick up a friendly (read: totally gorgeous) hitchhiker (Scott Eastwood) on the way to increase the amount of Expendable Meat and away we go.

Needless to say, the kids should have seen it coming. Numerous townspeople share knowing glances about the Carson Estate. Ignoring her lawyer’s repeated warnings to read the letter her grandmother left her, Heather and Co. proceed to party it up in the mansion, drinking, playing pool, and generally being enormous d-bags.

After one of the boys discovers a secret room in the kitchen (“Hey, a butler’s closet!” - my new favorite line, because the kid nearly pees his pants in excitement) with a lovely attachment wine cellar/murder lair, Leatherface (Dan Yeager) is released and makes quick work of their tender teenage flesh.

This all happens fairly early in the movie, and the plot unwinds in an inscrutably relaxed and convoluted manner, proving once again that nobody within the borders of Texas is to be trusted, period. I’d hate to spoil the ending, because it is deliciously daft, so I won’t venture further from this point.

Anyway, the hack-and-slash is what’s most important, right? The young actors are competent but forgettable, and Trey Songz is clearly only in the film to see how many of his own songs he can get the producers to play in the background.

The cinematography actually has something interesting to offer, most notably a throwback to the original movie’s opening sequence of flashbulbs revealing, in small chunks at a time, a full tableau of horror. While this is exciting and dynamic, whatever favor it curries is completely blown in a scene where Heather pores over some newspaper clippings. Single words from the clippings appear, blown up to fill the entire screen, in a series of shots that is uglier than any of the gore the movie throws at us.

Speaking of the gore, that’s what we all came to see (well, hopefully, cuz if not, I’ve got bad news for you) and the film mostly delivers. In true Texas Chainsaw fashion, the camera tends to cut away before things get too nasty, but there are some lovingly rendered chainsaw shots that will appease any voracious gorehounds.

Of course he has 9 million chainsaws. Always be prepared.

You may have noticed that I have not yet written about the 3D aspect of the title, to which I respond “You clearly haven’t seen the film.” Texas Chainsaw 3D makes as little use of the technology as it possibly can, as if it is almost actively avoiding the gimmick that is central to its success. The audience is begrudgingly given a couple shots of chainsaws cutting through doors and such, but what with the abundance of sharp and pointy objects in the house, very little use is made of them in three dimensions.

It’s quite sad, to be perfectly honest.

Despite not at all living up to its title, or to the massive reputation that the Leatherface name carries with it, this is still a tight, fun, little slasher flick. The gore is satisfying, the actors are young and attractive, there are some cool references and cameos for series fanatics, and it contains an amusing scene where a cop enters a house holding both a gun and an iPhone 5 because screw you it’s 2013.

Body Count: Leatherface has a paltry 4 victims, but the body count actually stacks up to around about 24 people killed throughout the course of the film.

TL;DR  Texas Chainsaw 3D is brilliantly stupid, but good fun. A bloody good time with not even a shred of good sense, and one of the slasheriest slasher flicks to come out this century, which is good enough for me.

Rating: 4/10

Should I spend money on this? Don’t waste your hard-earned green on the 3D charge. However if you’re wanting a fun way to spend a Friday night, look no further. Just make sure to grab a 2D showing, you’re not missing anything. I promise.

Bonus Round: Hunt for Plot Holes (Mild spoilers ahead)

• I’ve already mentioned 2, that Leatherface was 8 during the events of the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre and that
• The Sawyer clan somehow morphed from 3 men and a Leatherface to what amounts to a small colony.
• If we are to assume that the opening plot line takes place in 1974, when the original movie came out and that the bulk of the movie takes place in late 2012 (as evidenced by a gravestone with a current death date and the presence of the iPhone 5), that would make our protagonist about 39 years old.
• Heather’s grandmother tells her to take care of the house because it is her family’s house. However, the Sawyer property was burned down 40 years ago on a clearly different plot of land. At most, only two members of the family have ever lived in the mansion.
• Where did she get the money for a mansion anyway?
• Also, why does the grandmother exist if the entire Sawyer clan was wiped out except for Leatherface and Heather?
• The hitchhiker discovers Leatherface’s lair when he is left alone in the house and is looking for expensive objects to steal. Where does he plan on going after this? He’s in the middle of nowhere in Texas with no car and a suspicious bag full of silver on his back.
• It is implied that Heather’s friend has previously slept with Trey Songz. Why would anybody sleep with Trey Songz?

If you find any that I missed, feel free to let me know, let’s see how many we can tally.

Word Count: 1568

Reviews In This Series
The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (Hooper, 1974)
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (Hooper, 1986)
Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (Burr, 1990)
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (Henkel, 1994)
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (Nispel, 2003)
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (Liebesman, 2006)
Texas Chainsaw 3D (Luessenhop, 2013)
Leatherface (Bustillo & Maury, 2017)

Archive: December 29, 2012

Les Misérables

Year: 2012
Director: Tom Hooper
Cast: Hugh Jackman, Russell Crowe, Anne Hathaway
Run Time: 2 hours, 37 minutes
MPAA Rating: PG-13

The December 25th release of Les Misérables made for a not so merry Christmas. Popcorn and tears covered theater floors in equal proportions.

From the beginning, this movie had several strikes against it in terms of the modern audience:

1. It is a musical.
2. It is a musical about the French Revolution.
3. It is a musical about the French Revolution in which all but 10-odd lines or so are sung.
4. It is over two hours long.
5. It was released on a holiday.

In spite of this, Les Mis made a ludicrous amount of money. On Christmas Day alone, it earned 18.2 million dollars.

That’s 8 million more than Rent made in its first weekend.

That’s 9 times the opening gross of Chicago, 6 times more than Little Shop of Horrors, and twice as much as Sweeney Todd.

That’s twice as much money as Once made in its entire run.

The theater I work at had to open another screening room just to accommodate the influx of ticket buyers.

So the question we need to ask is, in terms of quality, did this movie truly earn its box office?

The answer is yes.

You guys, Les Misérables is friggin’ incredible.

Yes, it is over-the-top, bombastic, and occasionally full-of-itself. But you know what? It’s a musical. Those qualities might kill a normal movie, but only serve to enhance the spectacle that provides the lifeblood of this narrative.

[Warning, spoilers ahead. While the idea of “spoilers” doesn’t really apply to Les Mis, because it’s more about the performances than the narrative, if you want to remain in the dark about who lives and dies, I advise you skip past the next few paragraphs to the picture of the adorable bunny.]

For those of you who don’t know, the story (based on the Victor Hugo novel of the same name) follows ex-convict Jean Valjean (Hugh Jackman) across three decades of his life. Essentially, the movie is divided into chapters, the first of which follows him after his release from a 19-year sentence (his crime: stealing a loaf of bread). A local preacher shows him how to be an honest man, and Valjean escapes parole to become the mayor of a small French town. The police Inspector Javert (Russell Crowe) devotes himself to tracking Valjean down in the name of justice.

The second chapter focuses on Fantine (Anne Hathaway), a factory worker who was turned out onto the street for bearing an illegitimate child. Her daughter Cosette (Isabelle Allen) is in the care of two conniving innkeepers, Mssr. and Madame Thénardier (Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter) who demand more and more money from her. To pay off her debt, Fantine turns to selling her hair and teeth and eventually turns to prostitution. Her pride broken, she eventually succumbs to a severe case of Death (It’s a musical. These things just kind of happen.). Valjean, now the mayor, vows to take care of her daughter and retrieves her from the Thénardiers (after paying quite a hefty sum). Javert discovers Valjean’s true identity and tries to stop him but he escapes and is once more on the run, little Cosette in tow.

The third chapter (which one could alternatively think of as the Second Act) revolves around the rebellion in Paris. A bunch of college-aged men, chief among which are Marius (Eddie Redmayne) and Enjolras (Aaron Tveit, a personal hero of mine), are preparing to fight against the king and the unfair justice system. Valjean has retired to a small home on the outskirts of the city with a now teenage Cosette (Amanda Seyfried). In an effort to prevent her from knowing his true identity as well as escaping capture, he has become a recluse and quite an over-protective parent. One day in the Parisian markets, Valjean is discovered by the Thénardiers as they try to scam him for money. Javert is called in, and Valjean rushes home to pack his things and skip town, much to the dismay of Cosette, who has met and instantly fallen in love with Marius. 

Marius enlists the help of his friend Éponine (Samantha Barks), the daughter of the Thénardiers, to track down Cosette. She does so, although she is madly in love with him. He abandons his rebel brothers to try and find her, but upon learning that she is being taken across the sea, he is heartbroken and returns to fight. The battle begins at a barricade blocking off a side street. Javert, dressed as a Parisian, seeks to undermine them but is discovered and tied up to be dealt with later. The rebels are joined by Éponine, dressed as a man, and Valjean, who shows Javert mercy and secretly sets him free, much to Javert’s dismay.

The battle begins and the casualties soar. Éponine sacrifices herself for Marius and dies in his arms, finally revealing her love. Marius is wounded, and his unconscious body is dragged into the sewers by Valjean, who once again encounters Javert. Javert, ever devoted to his concept of justice, attempts to capture Valjean, but is convinced to let him through, saving Marius’s life. Although he has done a good deed, he is conflicted by his duty to justice and the fact that Valjean spared his life and ends up hurling himself off a bridge.

The rebels fall, the revolution fails, and Marius and Cosette are reunited in the wake of tragedy. On their wedding day, Valjean can no longer bear to hold his secret over Cosette and runs off to a monastery. He doesn’t want Cosette to know his true identity, and has left, finally realizing it is how he can best protect her from ever being in danger. However, Marius and Cosette track him down and are there to comfort him as he dies of Being Old and finally rejoins Fantine in the afterlife as trumpets blare and the voice of the revolution lives on in the memories of all that have sacrificed themselves for it.

Now. That’s quite a lot to swallow. And that is a bare bones summary. Now you understand why this movie has such an expansive run time.

OK spoilers crew, we’re safe now.

The story of Les Misérables is tragic and beautiful (sorry to tantalize you spoiler-fearing guys) and the filmmakers mostly manage to capture the grandiosity of it all, especially in the ensemble numbers (Look Down, At the End of the Day, Red and Black, One Day More, and the Epilogue).

Now let’s talk about the Grand Experiment. Singing live in camera is something that has never been attempted on this scale before and it overwhelmingly, undeniably, works.

This method allows the actors much more freedom to emote and feel the music and produces some absolutely incomparable performances. Anne Hathaway’s I Dreamed a Dream is, and I have no doubt in my mind about saying this, the absolute best performance of that song that has ever been sung. Eddie Redmayne’s Empty Chairs At Empty Tables and Hugh Jackman’s performance of Valjean’s Soliloquy are also standouts of the craft.

My God you guys, what an absolute success.

Now I’m sure you’ve heard people deriding Russell Crowe’s voice and it’s true that he cheats on the octaves occasionally and his voice is certainly less polished than the other performers but let me tell you it totally works for the character of Javert, an overly upright servant of the law.

Personally, I was more bothered by Redmayne’s voice. While he can certainly sing and I’ve already raved about his performance of Empty Chairs at Empty Tables, overall he kind of sounded like he had a frog in his throat the entire time and it irritated me more often than  not.

Also to those of you who doubted Amanda Seyfried, she hits some spectacular high notes. And if you absolutely can’t stand her, don’t worry, she’s really not in that much of the movie.

The film also features two astoundingly well-rounded performances from child actors, which is decidedly uncommon.

I’d have to say my biggest qualm going into the film was about Baron Cohen and Bonham Carter’s presence, but they nailed it. The Thénardiers are the comic relief of Les Mis, and they are given a lot to work with. I’m normally irritated with Sacha Baron Cohen beyond all reason, but his performance was absolutely organic and natural, not at all distracting from the overall narrative.

So far, I’ve had very little negative to say about the movie, so I think it’s time to raise my biggest complaint: the camera work.

The cameraman clearly adored extreme close-ups, which have their place in a film, but they were so overwhelmingly featured that sometimes the film felt claustrophobic, and once a solo number started, the camera would fix itself in place and resolutely refused to move.

I Dreamed a Dream was this. For three minutes. I’d have loved to see more dynamic cinematography, but I suppose it’s not too much of a sin to let this performance speak for itself.

In closing, Les Misérables is a huge film with huge ambition and almost entirely across the board achieves what it sets out to do. A caveat, it’s definitely a movie that you have to be in the right mood for, and if you prefer comedies, run in the opposite direction as quickly as you can. But even if you don’t like musicals, I urge you to try this one out. It’s manly, it’s  about criminals and war. The operatic style with little dialogue and the in camera vocal work are both unique in the world of film musicals and it’s definitely worth it to see for that as well.

Odds and ends: DAT WAIST

TL;DR: Les Misérables is a film of epic proportions featuring heart-wrenching performances, stellar vocals, and a complex and subtle story about the true meaning of justice, virtue, love, and dreams.

Rating: 9/10

Side Bar: This long-winded article contains 1,704 words, which is about 0.3% of Victor Hugo’s 1,500 page novel. Try that on for size.

Word Count: 1749

Archive: December 24, 2012

And To All A Good Night

Well, the Christmas season has arrived and holiday cheer is getting all up in our grills. Soon it’ll be 2013, and thus begins the delicious week of 2012 wrap-ups. I really, truly, unabashedly love end-of-year wrap up lists. Always have, always will.

Anyway, my contribution to the lot isn’t due til next week, so in the meantime, let us celebrate Christmas Eve with a sort of meandering Christmas topic tonight.

First item on the agenda: Christmas releases.

As with every year, December 25th finds itself inundated with holiday releases and this year’s fare exemplifies the holiday spirit like no other. There’s Django Unchained, the bloody Tarantino slave drama, Les Misérables, the musical epic about the French Revolution, and… well, let’s not talk about the other one. That makes for some stirring Christmas cinema if I’m not mistaken.

All kidding aside, I am beyond excited for the Les Mis release. The reviews I’ve looked at so far seem to be across the board, but these musical movies tend not to do very well in the critical eye. My beloved Mamma Mia! was reviled, Rent was universally panned, and while these might not technically be considered good movies, that’s not really the point, is it?

Glitter. Glitter is the point.

The thing about Les Mis though, is that instead of pre-recording the vocals in a studio and lip-syncing on set, all the actors actually sang in camera, which is quite unprecedented and in theory leaves much more options open in terms of emoting and expression.

It’s a grand experiment, much along the vein of The Hobbit’s 48 fps frame rate, and it’s more about trying the technique than the actual movie itself. Regardless, Anne Hathaway is going to kill, and try as you might to convince me otherwise, I absolutely adore Amanda Seyfried and am thoroughly prepared for this movie to wow me, even if, cinema-wise, it really isn’t that great.

And to be brutally honest, I don’t give a hoot about Tarantino’s new film, but I appreciate the fact that it exists and I’m sure fans of his will find much to delight in.

Nothing says Christmas like a blood-soaked camera lens, and I say that with absolutely zero trace of irony. I have recently begun my second annual winter season Christmas Slasher Festival, and it is going swimmingly.

Below you will find mini-reviews of the two most recent offerings. And for the rest of you, have yourself some very happy holidays (or some joyful non-denominational protests)!

Satan Claus

Year: 1996
Director: Massimiliano Cerchi
Cast: Robert Cummins, Jodie Rafty, Robert Hector
Run Time: 59 minutes
MPAA Rating: Unrated

This film isn’t so much a movie as it is an hour-long experiment in seeing just exactly how dark the lighting can be in a scene without actually just being a black screen. All but one or two of the scenes in the movie are shot in such complete, utter blackness that it is nearly impossible to tell if the scenes are taking place indoors, outdoors, or even on this mortal plane.

This absurdly short film follows the NYPD (which is comprised of three employees - the police chief and two officers) as they investigate a string of murders by a crazed man in a Santa suit who is rampaging on Christmas Eve.

The effects are laughable, the plot is incomprehensible, the shots are muddy and the characters virtually indistinguishable from one another. In fact for the longest time, I wasn’t even sure if the protagonist was white, black, or Hispanic. His face was kept under a cloak of perpetual darkness.

Luckily the movie is short, sweet, absurd to the point of hilarity, and heavily features a random picture of Bill Clinton haphazardly taped to the wall in the police station.

Actual dialogue from the film: (as Santa is brandishing an axe at a shocked victim) “Merry Christmas!”

Body Count: Who even knows? I know I wasn’t paying attention. And the information isn’t readily available on the internet because, for all intents and purposes, this movie does not exist.

Rating: 2/10

Jack Frost

Year: 1997
Director: Michael Cooney
Cast: Scott MacDonald, Christopher Allport, Stephen Mendel
Run Time: 1 hour, 29 minutes
MPAA Rating: R

Not to be confused with the heartwarming 1998 Michael Keaton film of the same name, Jack Frost follows the exploits of one Jack Frost, a killer whose execution delivery vehicle collides with a truck containing “genetic material,” transforming him into a snowman with a thirst for blood.

He returns to hunt down his old nemesis, the sheriff of the tiny town of Snowmonton (seriously). This movie is actually a pretty delightful slasher flick featuring some truly awful Christmas puns, a creative murder utilizing every part of a Christmas tree, a pre-American Pie Shannon Elizabeth being violated by a carrot, and not a flake of actual snow.

Seriously. For all its importance to the plot, the sleepy town of Snowmonton (which is right in the middle of their annual snowman building competition) looks for all the world like it could be smack dab in the middle of Arizona for all the snow it displays. A few strategically placed white blankets and some carefully iced windshields serve to move the plot along, but it’s hard not to notice that the town clearly hasn’t felt the tender caress of snow in quite a few months.

Sidebar: The Internet has just informed me that there is a sequel to this film. I will not rest until it is in my hands.

Body Count: 11

Rating: 5/10

Word Count: 953

Reviews In This Series
Jack Frost (Cooney, 1997)
Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (Cooney, 2000)

Archive: December 24, 2012

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Year: 2012
Director: Peter Jackson
Cast: Martin Freeman, Ian McKellen, Richard Armitage
Run Time: 2 hours, 49 minutes
MPAA Rating: PG-13

Sorry I haven’t been posting a lot recently, I’ve been super busy with finals and extremely important Netflix commitments. Not that you can complain, this is free and I don’t owe you nothing.

(The first thing they teach you in Blogging 101 is to alienate your audience within the first paragraph. Let’s see how this goes.)

However, now that I am on winter break, the boredom of no longer living in the city has led me to spend more time on two pursuits: namely, watching movies, and using the computer. Both of which are conducive to writing blog posts.

Now it’s time to tackle what is undoubtedly the pillar movie of this holiday season, The Hobbit. And don’t question me on that. I work at a movie theater and I’ve cleaned up enough BP-level popcorn spills in Hobbit theaters to prove that beyond all reasonable doubt.

Contrary to popular belief, that’s a broom in his hand.

For those of you unversed in cinematography, it is worth pointing out that Jackson (and select theaters near you) has made the choice to film the movie at a rate of 48 frames per second. The standard in modern cinema is 24 frames per second because, quite frankly, that’s pretty much all the eye can handle. The Hobbit holds the distinction for being the first movie to ever use this new and improved frame rate. It’s all part of Jackson’s innovative filmmaking experimentation (see: gimmickry).

The effect of exposing the eye to twice as many frames at a time creates a sort of hyperreality in which characters seem to be moving on fast forward while at the same time carrying on at a normal pace. It is about as disconcerting to watch as it is to write. Luckily, it’s pretty easy to get used to, and it is to tell the truth an incredible thing to watch.

In addition, the high frame rate has the effect of making the actors and sets seem much more immediate and real, in essence converting the film to have somewhat of the feel of a stage play, with the actors right there in the room with the audience. It is an absolutely intriguing technique but it out and out has no place in The Hobbit.

The Middle-earth of Jackson’s Lord of the Rings is all about spectacle, epic wonder, and the sheer scope of the land. However, the hyperrealism of the high frame rate allows a make-up spot here, a visible contact lens there, and some thoroughly unconvincing CGI everywhere to take the audience out of the fantasy.

Look at that. Just embarrassing, isn’t it?

On to the plot, insofar as it exists.

The film follows Bilbo Baggins (Martin Freeman), a homebody hobbit from Bag End who is reluctantly dragged on an adventure across Middle-earth by the wizard Gandalf (Ian McKellen) to help some dwarves reclaim their captured kingdom.

That’s it. They don’t even make it. That’s for the next movie to cover.

With so little real meat to work with, the grotesquely bloated run time seeks to compensate for lack of material with an overabundance of antagonists. Two of which, the Necromancer, and the dragon Smaug are only briefly touched upon due to their commitments to the sequels. Even with those threats to deal with, our intrepid gang still has quite a task on their hands. Among the ranks of their enemies include a Goblin King and his army, the Pale Orc and his minions, a horde of trolls, massive rock giants, and the inimitable Gollum.

With such a group to face, the plot follows a “meet-defeat-on to the next one” pattern that is more suited for a video game than an actual narrative.

So, yes, this film has its flaws. But what Jackson Lord of the Rings film doesn’t?

The Hobbit offers enough action-packed sequences and canned movie wisdom to keep the audience entertained and enough knowledge of the Middle-earth universe to appease the hardcore Tolkien fans.

It also features a cameo appearance by Lee Pace, one of my favorite people ever, as the elf king Thranduil. The sight of his unsurpassable eyebrows appeased me, as did his comically over-the-top elf wig.

Also worth mentioning is Bilbo Baggins’ encounter with Gollum, by far the most entertaining, suspenseful, and well-composed scene of the film and that which makes the entire price of the ticket worthwhile. Is it bad that I think Gollum’s adorable?

Look at those big ‘ol eyes.

Andy Serkis surpasses himself with a pitch perfect rendition of one of the most beloved scenes in the novel. The man can do no wrong. Please, even if you are asleep until his scene and leave right after, at least come see the film for him.

TL;DR  The Hobbit is overlong, bloated, and features some unbelievably tacky CGI effects, but is redeemed by some strong actiony moments and Andy Serkis’s superb reprisal of the role of Gollum.

Rating: 6/10

Should I spend money on this? Yes, if only for the novel experience of the 48 fps and having Gollum blow you away. Did I mention Gollum?

Word Count: 896

Reviews In This Series

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (Jackson, 2012)

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (Jackson, 2013)
The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies (Jackson, 2014)

Archive: November 21, 2012

Some Mini-Reviews

Considering the fact that it’s hard enough to find time to watch movies in my busy college schedule, finding time to write about them is definitely a challenge. So, while I will be as up to date and thorough as possible on reviews of movies that are currently in the theaters, sometimes I watch movies that nobody else really cares about, and shouldn’t necessarily elicit a full review. So as often as possible, I’ll keep you up to date on the less important movies I’ve seen recently (because my own film education is far from finished) in a series of mini-reviews.

But I’m a Cheerleader

Year: 1999
Director: Jamie Babbit
Cast: Natasha Lyonne, Clea DuVall, Michelle Williams
Run Time: 1 hour 25 minutes
MPAA Rating: R

This film is one of a numerous group of tossaway gay comedies that think they can get away with subpar production on the merit of catering to LGBT audiences.

The thing is, it can. Let’s face it, we’re not exactly seeing Hollywood churn out slick gay comedies by the bushel. While there are certainly some stellar gay movies, cheapie indie comedies are the LGBT cinephile community’s bread and butter.

And this film is certainly a saccharine-sweet example of the genre. The film follows Megan (Lyonne), the titular cheerleader, who is confronted by her parents and friends and sent to an “Ex-gay” camp for teenagers, even though she insists she isn’t a lesbian.

Not a Spoiler Alert: She is.

She falls for the resident bad girl, Graham (Clea DuVall) and they struggle to find themselves in the most poisonous environment for any new lesbian relationship. What follows is 80-something minutes of tender, well-meaning, if not particularly stellar comedy.

Lyonne’s acting is laughably vacant. My friend Shannon put it best: “They could not have picked a straighter actress to play Megan.” Despite not once having me believe that she actually ever had sexual feelings for women, she and DuVall managed to have a spark (chemistry which is owed in its entirety to DuVall’s sturdy performance, without a doubt the best in the movie).

Also featuring appearances by RuPaul and Mink Stole (who always manages to find herself in these things), the movie is solid overall with garish production design and snarky conservative satire. It delivers an optimistic message to gay youths everywhere, but isn’t particularly worth seeing if you happen to be (ew) straight.

Rating: 5/10

Patrik Age 1.5

Year: 2008
Director: Ella Lemhagen
Cast: Gustaf Skarsgård, Torkel Petersson, Tom Ljungman
Run Time: 1 hour 43 minutes
MPAA Rating: R

On a whim the other night, I decided to forgo homework and watch a movie on Netflix. I happened upon Patrik Age 1.5 (or Patrik 1,5), a Swedish film about a gay couple that adopts a 1 1/2 year old child, who due to a clerical error, turns out to be a rebellious, homophobic 15-year-old.

…This week has been a pretty gay week for me, all things considered. 

Anyway, I expected this film to be another throwaway gay comedy, something like a Swedish Big Daddy, a family farce of opposites. What I was given was a riveting (albeit predictable) drama that had quite a set of teeth. Everything is not well in Scandinavia.

Patrik’s (Ljungman) arrival in the lives of Sven (Petersson) and Göran (Skarsgård) turns them completely upside-down. Göran can see the good in his surprise son, but Sven can’t see past the kid’s criminal history and the disagreement drives them apart, especially considering that Sven was iffy on the concept of having kids in the first place.

The couple navigates the rough waters of adoption and neighborhood prejudice and delivers a powerful story of modern LGBT relations (partially undermined by the fact that the Swedish word for “homo” sounds hilariously like “bug.”).

The plot moves along in a pretty standard way, but the interplay between Göran and Patrik is impossible to resist. The actors have impeccable (and completely, thankfully, nonsexual) chemistry, and the result is… incredible.

The gay issues don’t actually take the forefront of the plot, and the story focuses on the family drama, and the paternal relationship between a lonely Göran and his new, at first unwilling, son.

I’ve always said that I appreciate gay films that don’t make too big a deal about being gay (because how else will true equality be achieved?), and this film delivered. The fact that it’s in Swedish also is a huge draw, because foreign languages fascinate me utterly.

I would highly recommend it to anyone who cares about people. At all.

Rating: 8/10

Word Count: 791

Archive: November 17, 2012

10 Famous Actors You Didn’t Know Were in Slasher Movies

Crispin Glover

Famous for: Back to the Future, River’s Edge, Charlie’s Angels

Skeleton in the Closet: Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter (1984)

That’s right, Marty McFly’s father was a victim in Jason’s third (and definitely not final) bloodbath. Released but one year before Back to the Future, F13 4 featured Crispin Glover as Jimmy Mortimer, the virginal nerd who suffers from a relatively unique party foul - death by corkscrew.

Also check out this scene from the movie in which he proves firmly that this movie is set in the 80’s.

Corey Feldman 

Famous for: Stand By Me, The Goonies, The Lost Boys

Skeleton in the Closet: Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter (1984)

This was one star-studded movie. Corey Feldman, one of the 80’s biggest child stars originated the role of Tommy Jarvis, the only character to defeat Jason three consecutive times - this kid’s a big deal. After witnessing Jason’s latest murder spree, Tommy pulls a Britney, shaving his head, and going after the big man with his own machete.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Famous for: (500) Days of Summer, Inception, Looper, The Dark Night Rises

Skeleton in the Closet: Halloween H20: 20 Years Later (1998)

Filmed during the height of his 3rd Rock From the Sun fame, indie darling Joseph Gordon-Levitt had a stint as bad boy hockey player (I know, right?) Jimmy Howell in this sequel to Halloween II (nevermind the fact that there were four installments to the series in between the two films). I don’t want to post a picture and run the risk of causing this blog to become R-rated, but let’s just say he has an ice skate rather unceremoniously jammed into his face.

Kevin Bacon

Famous for: Mystic River, Apollo 13, Footloose, Animal House

Skeleton in the Closet: Friday the 13th (1980)

Kevin Bacon’s character, Jeff the horndog camp counselor was one of the first people to learn that the health insurance plan at Camp Crystal Lake doesn’t cover being impaled with an arrow.

Laurence Fishburne

Famous for: The Matrix Trilogy

Skeleton in the Closet: A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors(1987)

Before Morpheus was committed to his quest to find The One who could defeat the Matrix, he was a sassy orderly at the Westin Hills Psychiatric Hospital in Springwood Ohio, caring for the last of the Elm Street children. It was a very challenging position that involved delivering medication, enforcing lights out policy, and trying to protect the kids from being carved up by a clownishly wisecracking Freddy Krueger.

Jason Alexander

Famous for: Seinfeld

Skeleton in the Closet: The Burning (1981)

HAIR. BASEBALL. In 1981’s little-known slasher gem, The Burning, our friend best know as George Costanza could be seen as the resident cool guy at Camp Stonewater before the teenage populace was hunted down one by one (and occasionally by the raftful) by the Cropsy killer.

Paul Rudd

Famous for: Clueless, The 40-Year Old Virgin, Role Models, I Love You, Man

Skeleton in the Closet: Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995)

Oh, the things I would do for this man. Paul Rudd starred as a grown up Tommy Doyle, the babysittee from 1978’s Halloween. This was the last movie in the series before installments 3 to 6 were retconned by Halloween H20. Side note: Evidently the key to surviving a horror movie if you’re male is to be named Tommy. Take notes.

Johnny Depp

Famous for: 21 Jump Street, Pirates of the Caribbean, all Tim Burton movies, Sexiest Man Alive 2003 & 2009

Skeleton in the Closet: A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

Also starring: Glorious Depp Midriff. Before his fame began by wearing pale makeup and funny hats, Johnny Depp played the sexually frustrated jock boyfriend of the main character, Nancy Thompson (Heather Langenkamp). I bet she’s really regretting the fact that her character turned down his advances. Even though sex=death in these kind of movies, it’d probably be worth it.

Brad Pitt

Famous for: Thelma & Louise, Seven, Interview with the Vampire, Ocean’s 11, Fight Club, Sexiest Man Alive 1995 & 2000

Skeleton in the Closet: Cutting Class (1989)

Don’t watch this movie. Seriously, I tried. The light filtering is all off and it all looks grubby and terrible. However, it’s a fun slasher romp for any Brad Pitt completist.

George Clooney

Famous for: ER, Batman & Robin, Leatherheads, Up in the Air, The Descendants, Sexiest Man Alive 1997 & 2006

Skeleton in the Closet: Return to Horror High (1987)

It is probably worth noting that the only three men to have ever been voted People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive twice are all on this list.

Make of that what you will.

George has a small role as the actor hired for his looks who leaves the movie set, only to be brutally murdered in an abandoned classroom.

Bonus Actress: Vanna White

Famous for: Wheel of Fortune

Skeleton in the Closet: Graduation Day (1981)

Vanna White had a minor role in Troma’s slasher snoozefest Graduation Day. Although this movie has one of the more bizarre endings of any film of the time period, it drags due to an 8-minute long rockabilly/roller disco break, awkward pacing, and weak kill scenes. Not to mention that in nearly every shot she is seen in, Vanna White is facing AWAY from the camera.

The funniest part of the movie is actually the DVD intro on the anniversary edition in which Troma executive Lloyd Kaufman says that his hat probably fell off because “[his] head is too big from giving so much head.”

This actually happened.

Word Count: 963