Census Bloodbath: Screams In The Witch House

Year:
1989
Director:
Fabrizio Laurenti
Cast:
Linda Blair, David Hasselhoff, Leslie Cumming
Run Time:
1 hour 35 minutes
MPAA Rating: R

Plot: Witchery is set in a sprawling hotel on an island off the coast of Massachusetts that the locals say used to be the home of a witch. They say this because it's true! Said witch (Hildegard Knef) is still haunting the place, and she begins to enact a murderous Satanic ritual upon a group of people who find themselves stranded there.

It's been a while since we've gotten to do this properly, so let's Meet the Meat: Leslie (Leslie Cumming of Zombie 5: Killing Birds), who is studying the legend of the witch; Leslie's boyfriend Gary (David Hasselhoff, who you'll remember best from Terror at London Bridge), a photographer who is pissed that Leslie wants to remain a virgin; horny architect Linda (Catherine Hickland); nepo baby realtor Jerry (Rick Farnsworth); and a rich family that is looking to buy the property, namely cruel matriarch Rose (Annie Ross), lecherous father Freddie (Robert Champagne of Ghosthouse), pregnant stepdaughter Jane (Linda Blair, who you'll remember best from Hell Night), and young son Tommy (Michael Manchester).

Analysis: The thing that is by far the most interesting aspect of the English-language Italian horror movie Witchery is the fact that it is part of the La Casa franchise, so let's spend some time drilling into that. The series is maybe the most "Italian horror" thing to have ever happened, after all.

So, remember 1981's The Evil Dead? I bet you do. It takes place in an isolated cabin in the woods, so the Italian title for it was La Casa (The House). Six years later, Evil Dead II comes out. What do we call that in Italy? Easy. La Casa 2. That movie's a hit. But Sam Raimi isn't making more Evil Dead movies just yet. What's a film industry with rather lax titling rules to do? If you know even a little bit about Italian horror, you can probably guess what happened next. That's right, they found a series of random, unrelated movies that took place in houses and pretended they were sequels to the Evil Dead movies.

Witchery is La Casa 4, whereas La Casa 3 is 1988's Ghosthouse and La Casa 5 is 1990's Beyond Darkness. La Casa 6 and La Casa 7 are, respectively, 1987's House II: The Second Story and 1989's House III: The Horror Show. Weirdly, the original 1986 House was completely ignored by the faux franchise.

This is the perfect franchise for Witchery to have become a part of, because I'm sure the movie felt right at home in that chaotic, unsupervised free-for-all. Because let me tell you, Witchery is all over the damn place.

Honestly, I wasn't sure going in if it was going to end up being slashery enough for me to include in Census Bloodbath. It's a supernatural horror film about a witch, after all. 45 minutes in, I was still completely unsure about how to categorize it. 

The cast is killed off one by one, yes, but they're mostly pulled into a nether realm (by one of the worst visual effects I've ever seen - a sort of cherry red spiral tunnel that looks like someone flushing a tie dye kit down the toilet and which is given a lavish amount of screen time across multiple scenes) to be tortured and sometimes killed, only to be returned to the real world to either have their deaths continue or happen again in a new way. It doesn't make all that much sense, and it doesn't lend itself to the clean simplicity that I prefer from a slasher body count.

That said, the reason you're reading this review at all is that Witchery assembles just enough of the right slasher tropes in the right order (most notably the cast of Meat being stranded in an isolated location).

The fantasy elements really only work when they lean in on being as Italian as possible. I'm talking witchcraft being visually represented by a flashing brooch that appears in jarring close-ups that interrupt the tempo of the scene, the campy German diva witch showing up periodically just to chat with Tommy when nobody else is looking, and so on. There are also a few moments of demented Italian horror visuals that genuinely work quite well.

Additionally, for fans of bad-good movies, the stilted English dialogue hits that mark more often that not ("I'll never understand which you love more: work or sex"), as do the tremendously inconsistent Boston accents sported by half the cast (neither Hasselhoff nor Blair were paid enough to even attempt accents).

However, none of this prevents Witchery from being a complete waste of time. There are too many characters milling about in this hotel, and not enough happens to them for the first hour and 10 minutes of the movie. Plus, Leslie Cumming is giving a shockingly bad, vacant, bleary performance. This was her last credited acting role, which proves that there is indeed a moral arc to the universe. 

To be fair to Cumming, nobody is directed well enough to deliver a convincing performance (least of all Michael Manchester). Though maybe her direction was "imagine what Daphne Zuniga would do if she had no rizz and was doped up on horse tranquilizers," in which case she executed it perfectly.

Killer: The Woman in Black (Hildegard Knef)

Final Girl: Leslie (Leslie Cumming)

Best Kill: When Freddie is killed via voodoo doll, he begins asphyxiating while the veins on his hands and then his neck bulge and burst. Gross!

Sign of the Times: A licensed Sesame Street tape recorder toy is instrumental to the plot.

Scariest Moment: The group lights a fire, not realizing that Rose is strung up in the fireplace, unable to scream because her mouth is sewn shut.

Weirdest Moment: There is a little girl in a wheelchair who shows up in exactly two scenes that accomplish nothing. One is where she introduces herself to Tommy. The other is where she spots the island's emergency flare and tells her dad, who promptly ignores her. (This scene was my alternate pick for Sign of the Times, because his nighttime routine is apparently to smoke a cigarette in bed while reading The Godfather - what a mensch!)

Champion Dialogue: “They've got a lot of legends about this island. Witches and rainbows and shit."

Body Count: 8

1. Pregnant Lady jumps out of the window in a scene that is either a flashback, a movie, a nightmare, or all three.
2. Sailor is killed offscreen.
3. Rose has her lips sewn shut and is burned alive.
4. Linda is tied up to death (don't ask) and is later found with her neck impaled by a swordfish.
5. Jerry is crucified on an upside-down cross and burned.
6. Freddie asphyxiates and bleeds to death via voodoo.
7. Gary is impaled through the back with like a candelabra or something.
8. Jane jumps out of the window.

TL;DR: Witchery is an aimless supernatural slasher that is only worth watching in infrequent spurts.

Rating: 5/10

Speak of the Devil

Year: 1977

Director: John Boorman

Cast: Richard Burton, Linda Blair, Louise Fletcher 

Run Time: 1 hour 58 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

So. It’s 1977. You’re faced with the task of creating a sequel to The Exorcist, the blockbuster smash hit that defined a generation of horror films, was nominated for 10 Oscars, won 2, and was rhapsodically minted the “scariest movie of all time.” What do you do? If your answer is “not make it,” you’ve made the right decision. And, to be fair, that’s exactly what director John Boorman did when he helmed Exorcist II: The Heretic, which contains not a scrap of material recognizable as an Exorcist movie, even though it features the return of three actors and a major location.

The marathon is already going well, I see.

In Exorcist II, Regan MacNeil (Linda Blair) is living in the city with her caretaker Sharon (Kitty Winn), because her mother was wise enough not to get locked into a contract for this one. She regularly attends therapy with Dr. Gene Tuskin (the reliable medical professional Louise Fletcher, of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest), despite the fact that she seems more well-adjusted than any 16-year-old that I've ever met. When Father Philip Lamont (Richard Burton) is sent by a Cardinal (Casablanca’s Paul Henried) to investigate the mid-exorcism death of Father Merrin (Max von Sydow), Tuskin suggests the use of a joint hypnosis machine to sync his mind with Regan’s, because this is more of a sci-fi fantasy movie than anything.

Through this link, the dormant demon Pazuzu shows Father Lamont glimpses of Merrin’s past, when he exorcised a young boy in Africa. This leads him to the discovery of a generation of faith healers, Regan among them, who have been targeted by the demon. Also, there’s a lot of locust metaphors. Then, like, he’s seduced by the demon’s thrall or something? And he visits the original Georgetown house to make out with Regan’s stand-in? I guess? I literally couldn’t spoil this movie if I wanted to, because it makes no flippin’ sense.

Also, James Earl Jones is in it, which is cool I guess.

In addition to the script being an incoherent trash fire, Exorcist II is a black hole of talent, sucking every last drop of quality from a battalion of very capable filmmakers. I mean, come on. Richard Burton, Louise Fletcher, Linda Blair, Paul Henried, Max von Sydow, and James Earl Jones are in this cast. They have 12 Oscar nominations between them. And behind the camera you have Deliverance director John Boorman, legendary composer Ennio Morricone, the cinematographer of Rosemary’s Baby, and so on. This should have been an outstanding success. But guess what happens when you have a director (and uncredited screenplay revisionist) who has an open contempt for the material? Not great things, I can tell you that.

Exorcist II is not only a bad Exorcist movie, it’s a downright dreadful film by any metric on Earth. This is perhaps best exemplified by a scene taken directly from the continuity of Friedkin’s film, filling in the details of Father Merrin’s death via flashback. Set in the same room on the same night of The Exorcist, it has not one whit of its raw power. The staging is brutally boxy and inelegant, and the whole affair is lit like it’s an episode of Married with Children. That scene is the most painful because it egregiously draws comparison to the original film, but this kind of slack handling is apparent from start to finish.

The effects are accomplished mostly by a series of clunky cross dissolves that wouldn’t pass muster in a Lucio Fulci cheapie, the score trips between atonal shrieking and a disturbingly lush romantic keening, and the acting is uniformly vacant. It’s so deeply broken that it’s almost impossible to pinpoint exactly where everything begins to go wrong.

Even the wording of the title is confusing and terrible.

If I had to pick one thing that’s the most wrong with Exorcist II, I’d probably pass the buck to the screenplay. I’m not sure anybody could figure out what to do with it. I admire the audacity of Boorman’s idea to make the storyline about a more positive force, but he was so caught up in his own self-righteousness that he never noticed that, despite the original’s dour storyline, there’s a very positive message at the core: the day is saved and  priest makes a noble sacrifice because he’s finally found his faith. That’s pretty much how horror films work. When you make the narrative positive all the way through, it’s not a scary movie, it’s an episode of Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood.

And did I mention it’s bloody incomprehensible? The entire first act is just people sitting around an ill-thought-out hypnosis machine straight out of Star Trek and talking calmly in circles while they endlessly visit the same flashback. Then it catapults Father Lamont into Africa where he hallucinates a laboratory inside a medicine man’s cave, a development that is completely ignored by the movie, which chooses to accept both perceptions as the truth. Afterward, an inexplicable number of people run to Georgetown for no discernible reason, then are either killed by plot holes or packaged off into an ambiguous ending that feels like it wraps up an entirely different movie than the one we watched.

Not that Exorcist II feels like a singular movie for more than 12 seconds at a time.

It’s despicable claptrap, and I want nothing more to do with it. The only scene worth sticking around for is The Prom Night-esque interlude where Linda Blair tap-dances to “Lullaby of Broadway.” If I wanted a haphazard grab bag of random scenes full of over-the-top characters, I’d watch SNL instead. Exorcist II: The Heretic is an unscary, befuddling slog that is a failure as a sequel, as a movie, and as a paycheck for everybody involved.

TL;DR: Exorcist II: The Heretic is a failure as a sequel, as a horror movie, and as a piece of entertainment.

Rating: 2/10
Word Count: 1008
Reviews In This Series
The Exorcist (Friedkin, 1973)
Exorcist II: The Heretic (Boorman, 1977)
The Exorcist III (Blatty, 1990)
Exorcist: The Beginning (Harlin, 2004)
Dominion: Prequel to The Exorcist (Schrader, 2005)

The Devil Went Down To Georgetown

Year: 1973

Director: William Friedkin

Cast: Ellen Burstyn, Max von Sydow, Linda Blair 

Run Time: 2 hours 2 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

Howdy, folks! It’s that time of year again, where the leaves change and a young man’s fancy turns to bloody chainsaws and mutilated corpses. This October, we continue a grand Popcorn Culture tradition of reviewing a classic horror franchise that hasn’t yet been explored on these here pages. Seeing how my Halloween marathon still hasn’t technically concluded, I decided to explore an easier-to-swallow series with a smidge fewer entries: The Exorcist.

This will be the first October marathon I perform in which there are no extant reviews for previous entries, though it’s not for lack of trying. The Exorcist is the only movie I’ve watched in the last three years that I completely failed to write up, having been so busy that my screening eventually became to distant and blurry in memory to reasonably critique the film. So I’m doubly happy today. I get to redeem myself while reviewing a horror classic. And I’m set to dive into another world of increasingly dubious sequels. And there’s only four of them.

Thank Satan.

In The Exorcist, like you needed to know, successful actress Chris McNeil (Ellen Burstyn) is living in Georgetown with her daughter Regan (Linda Blair) while shooting a film. Things turn bad when Regan gets sick and begins acting out, vomiting green slime, and… speaking in other voices? Controlling objects with her mind? Unsurprisingly, a battery of medical tests are not successful, and Chris decides to pursue getting an exorcism. On hand to help are Father Karras (Jason Miller), a priest/psychiatrist with a recently deceased mother who has been doubting his faith, and Father Merrin (Max von Sydow), who takes forever to get anywhere, but certainly knows how to make an entrance.

It almost makes you forget you haven’t seen him in 80 minutes.

The Exorcist is in a tough position, having been labeled “the scariest film of all time.” As the years go by, religious sentiment is hemorrhaged form the American public and patiences stretch too thin to support a two-hour slow burner, attracting some millennial backlash to the film. Both of these parties are insane. No, The Exorcist isn’t the scariest movie ever made, unless you’re a Catholic grandmother. But it’s a damn good horror film that rightfully deserves its iconic status.

If you’re open to it, The Exorcist can tear through your nerves like tissue paper. Regan’s ever-escalating condition is a series of crudely effective shocks, but the real menace here is That Damn Hallway. Every time something gets worse, our heroes are forced to make the trek up the stairs, around the bend, and down That Damn Hallway toward an innocuously blank white door. Through repetition, the film conditions you to expect something terrible every time that door opens, but it lingers, letting the possibilities fester in your mind before the big reveal. The tension created by that hallway and that door is so palpable that you can choke on it.

That’s how The Exorcist works, by psychologically grinding you down until all that’s left is powder. It should really be arrested for assault and battery. In addition to the general body horror tinged with the tragic melancholy of a mother unable to help her daughter get well, there’s also a prolonged sequence of medical testing that’s some of the most disturbing, stomach-churning material of the year. The decade. The century. Of all time?

Well, it’s in the running.

The reason The Exorcist works so well, even today, on those two terrible fronts is that the special effects and make-up design are the work of a genius. That particular genius is Dick Smith (Death Becomes Her, Scanners, The Deer Hunter, Taxi Driver, The Godfather 1 & 2, everything that’s ever mattered), whose effects are an ageless work of art, distorting the human form as far as it can go, rendering believable-looking impossibilities that still hold up forty years later. This is no small feat, and it’s a timeless, realistic nightmare of epic proportions.

Of course we can’t discount director/renowned psychopath William Friedkin. Although I have a distaste for his dubious methods of extracting performances from actors (firing guns near their heads, slapping them, and just generally behaving in a manner that would have the Marquis du Sade asking him to calm down), his control over image and sound in The Exorcist is exquisite.

The sound design is an apoplectic symphony, hammering you with harsh buzzing and thrumming that is abruptly whisked away into a vacuum. Sounds are blasted, silenced, swapped, and juxtaposed against the frame in a completely unpredictable pattern that keeps you on your toes until they’re worn down to the bone. And do I really have to spend much time elaborating on my aesthetic praise of the man who crafted this image?

Didn’t think so.

This confluence of filmmakers working full throttle doesn’t end there. The cast is uniformly terrific as well. Burstyn is an all-too human and fragile mirror for our own reactions to the horror, and Miller and Siedow sell a set of dialogue that toes the line between being unbelievably grave and deliriously campy. But perhaps the most invaluable performer is Linda Blair (with respect to Mercedes McCambridge and Eileen Dietz, who seamlessly provide voiceover and stand-in material), who gives one of the single best child performances ever put to screen. Even before the possession, she gives Regan a grounded naturalism that provides an all-important contrast to the bucking and cursing figure she becomes. Without her The Exorcist would fall flat on its face and the world would be deprived of a pivotal piece of culture.

That said, The Exorcist isn’t perfect. As much as it sings as a piece of cinematic psychological warfare, there are a surprising abundance of narrative and structural flaws. As the story skips through weeks and months, a lot of important material is let on the cutting room floor. We’re often told about things that have happened rather than experiencing them, and are frequently tossed into scenes without an important bit of context to help us understand why exactly we should be worried in this particular moment. There’s also the fact that the rich mother-daughter angle completely evaporates by the third act. 

But I noticed something odd in my notes. I didn’t jot a single thing down during the final half hour of The Exorcist, because I was so engrossed in what was unfolding onscreen, even though I’ve seen it a dozen times before. That’s the power of the film: it’s an experiential masterwork that jangles the nerve and ignites the senses, and everything else just falls away.

TL;DR: The Exorcist is a classic for a reason: it's a psychologically brutal, spine-jangling experience.

Rating: 8/10

Word Count: 1132

Reviews In This Series

The Exorcist (Friedkin, 1973)

Exorcist II: The Heretic (Boorman, 1977)

The Exorcist III (Blatty, 1990)

Exorcist: The Beginning (Harlin, 2004)

Dominion: Prequel to The Exorcist (Schrader, 2005)

Surprise Cameo

It's been a while since I've featured another writer on the pages of this blog, but why be stingy? It's always nice to have a guest star. Today's very special article introduces Shannon, one of my very best friends, in her Popcorn Culture debut as she writes about her introduction to horror (I am not ashamed to admit that I appear heavily in this tale) and why scary movies make the perfect date nights, along with some personal recommendations.

Horror with your Honey: 

Why a Week of Scary Movie Dates are Beneficial to a Relationship, and Where to Start

I had never seen a single horror movie before meeting Brennan Klein. All of a sudden, by signing a contact of friendship, I was his go-to movie date for all the classics and everything in between (Literally everything, I cannot tell you the weird horror movies I have seen thanks to him— not complaining).

Luckily (or so I thought), Brennan met someone else who is now responsible for watching horror movies from Spain about someone chopping pieces of students and then piecing them back together into a monster. Initially I was slightly relieved to pass the torch to his boo, but now, in reflection, I miss him dragging me into a movie starring Lee Pace with a title I had never heard of.

[Editor's note: She is referring to Pieces and Possession, the former a great/terrible slasher movie and the latter a decent psychological ghost/possession piece.]

Why?

Because if you and another person were stranded on an island, in scary, deadly conditions, and you get rescued, only that other person can understand the trauma you went through, and thus you and that person have a magical, singular bond because of a horrific experience.

Brennan and I became best friends because we went through the mini-traumas that these horror movies are. Horror is like a roller coaster that pumps adrenaline and dopamine into our systems, and we get off the ride a little closer than before.

So, when you reach that part of your relationship when you are looking at Fandango trying to decide between a sappy romance or some indie flick with subtitles, close your browser and turn on Netflix, because nothing could be better for a relationship than a solid injection of horror.

Now whether you are a horror movie buff like Brennan, a gorehound like me, or a novice on the scary front like I was two years ago, these movies I have selected hit a multitude of the bases.

Allow me to introduce the perfect introduction-horror-movie-date-night-movies!

Movie Cluster #1 : The original trifecta of horror, and its sequel

(watch in this order for the best effect)

Day 1:

Halloween (1978, dir. John Carpenter)

Why this movie: 

Horror movies used to be about tiny budgets, shadows, and masks. John Carpenter (who I met with Brennan) knows this better than anyone else, and which is why the rather tame, theatrical Halloween is my first choice. You get an introduction to the Scream Queen (now better known for her Activia commercials) Jamie Lee Curtis, get to look evil in it’s face, and is not scary enough to make you want to give up on horror as a genre.

Day 2:

Friday the 13th (1980, dir. Sean S. Cunningham)

Why this movie (Writing about this one without spoilers is hard): 

While this movie is no Revenge of the Unhappy Campers (if you have seen that movie, email me), it is the greatest introduction, and arguably just the greatest camp-genre horror movie. One of a major aspects of the horror genre in general is the fact that people are in a contained area when the monster decides to pick off victims one-by-one, and what better buffet is there than kids at a summer camp? Plus, Kevin Bacon is in it. Just watch it.

[EN: For my lengthy review of this film, click here.]

Day 3:

A Nightmare on Elm Street (THE ORIGINAL ONE) (1984, dir. Wes Craven)

Why this movie: 

Wes Craven (who I also met with Brennan) has a really weird mind, as you will see in this movie. Unlike Halloween which is a psychological slasher and Friday which is a classic camp kid killing spree, Nightmare goes beyond the fathomable, into a world one could only dream of— or should I say nightmare. Freddy Krueger is probably the most well known of the three horror baddie front runners, maybe for his complex past or simply his use of wonderful puns. Or maybe it’s because he’s the only one of the three that actually speaks… Also, young Johnny Depp.

[EN: For my lengthy review of this film, click here.]

Day 4:

Scream (1996, dir. Wes Craven)

Why this movie: 

Kevin Williamson basically wrote fan fiction about the three original horror classics and Wes Craven made it amazing. Craven reintroduced horror in the 90s. I was one of those kids who had no idea why everyone was so obsessed with ghost face costumes (keep in mind that I didn’t see a horror film until college) and now I am so bummed because I want to own one. I guess that’s what the internet is for… But in all seriousness, Scream is a perfect watch for a couple who just watched the original three, because together you can point out the references to other horror films that this movie makes, and point out all the stars who were just kids back then, and point out most importantly the horrible 90s fashion.

[For my lengthy review of this film, click here.]

Movie Cluster #2: The other bases (watch any order, but be prepared)

Day 5:

They Live (1988, dir. John Carpenter)

Why this movie: Some of the different subgenres in horror are torture porn (sorry, not covering this one in this feature), monster, slasher, and psychological thriller. So no, I did not pick this movie simply because it is one of my all-time favorite movies, but also because this bad-ass action/thriller/monster movie has the most incredible freaky monsters ever, with an additionally creepy Carpenter commentary on the state of the country. Also you know Shepard Fairey’s “OBEY Propaganda” line? Originated from this movie. BOOM HISTORY MADE.

Day 6:

You’re Next (2013, dir. Adam Wingard)

Why this movie: 

Modern day badass Australian chick visits her boyfriend's family and they start getting killed off in their old family house. It’s essentially a great survival story up to par with classic horror but without the horrible 80s hair-dos.

[For my review of this film, click here.]

Day 7:

The Exorcist (1973, dir. William Friedkin)

Why this movie: 

In my opinion, this is the scariest of them all. This is a possession/ghost sort of horror film, and a classic one at that. For it being the oldest on the list, this movie has the most intense special effects. It is also super perfect for couples, because every time someone decides to walk up those stairs, you will need a hand to hold. And then once the credits roll, you two can both celebrate surviving the possession of Linda Blair.

This concludes the introduction to horror and the conception of a long lasting relationship.

And if things don’t work out, maybe you could use some of the skills you’ve learned from these horror films for other things… 

Thanks for reading, everybody! If you have any opinions on these picks and/or how a horror movie has changed your relationship, please sound off in the comments below. I'm sure Shannon will be patrolling the comments section like a mad hound. If any of these films have piqued your interest, I can offer further recommendations. Have a nice day!

Word Count: 1281

Census Bloodbath: Hurts Like Hell

Year: 1981

Director: Tom DeSimone

Cast: Linda Blair, Vincent Van Patten, Peter Barton

Run Time: 1 hour 41 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

Way back when I was reviewing The Slumber Party Massacre, I professed my intent to follow along with my favorite reviewer Tim Brayton's Summer of Blood feature when he reviews a new slasher movie every weekend. As you might have noticed, I fell behind, largely because the last three films he took on were difficult to obtain if your DVD purchasing budget is below the double digits.

When I discovered he was to be reviewing Hell Night this week, I was psyched. Not only is it one of the more popular non-franchise slasher films, but it was from the slasher watershed year of 1981 and I had never seen it. Knowing nothing other than the fact that it starred a post-Exorcist Linda Blair as a sorority girl, I was rarin' to go on this adventure with Tim.

The poor man.

I am mystified by the popularity of this dull, gore-free mess of a film. Now I have seen some terrible slasher films in my time, many far worse than Hell Night, but usually the fan-beloved slashers have some merit to them, whether it be a cheesy 80's sensibility or at least some great kills. Hell Night has nothing besides a barely competent Linda Blair shaking her boobs in fear, and even with that it's a bland affair.

Clearly she needed to break free from her earlier, more innocent roles like Regan MacNeil.

But before we get to the heavy duty complaining, let's volley up a little bit of plot. It's Hell Night at the Alpha Sigma Rho fraternity/sorority and five new pledges are to be locked up in Garth Manor - the site of a vicious family murder/suicide leaving behind one mentally unstable son - overnight for initiation.

These pledges are Marti Gaines (Linda Blair), who is an obvious enough Final Girl thanks to her star power, but just in case there were any doubt, she is a virtuous and smart girl who doesn't care for sororities and also an accomplished mechanic; Jeff Reed (Peter Barton - Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter's Doug), the son of an upper-class family whose father is forcing him to join his fraternity; Seth (Vincent Van Patten), a sex-crazed surfer who loves to hunt; Denise (Suki Goodwin), a British hottie whose pure sluttiness is so overpowering that she doesn't even get a name until 50 minutes in; and Boomer Michaelson, aka "Boom Mike," a small oblong fellow who enjoys acrobatics and like to hang out in the top of the frame every other scene or so.

Since having four kids in a house with a crazed murderer isn't nearly enough for a slasher film in the height of the genre, there are also three pranksters - higher-ups in the frat/sor that are playing tricks on our main foursome. They aren't important and they're knocked off pretty quickly, but one of them is played by Jenny Nuemann, the killer from Nightmares, so that's something.

In terms of where to do your killing, this sure beats a rinky dink old theater.

What follows is a particularly cut-and-dry slasher, the kind that would be produced in abundance preceding the climate change of A Nightmare on Elm Street. There is not a single shadow of a doubt about who the killer is or who will live to see the end of the film. There are only two breaks from formula, subtle ones that I only noticed because I've been spending so much time with the darn things. 

Instead of the girls receiving lengthy stalking sequences and the boys getting quick shock deaths, it's the other way around. I'm not about to speak out for gender representation on the behalf of a film that reduces a female mechanic to a quivering wreck about 20 minutes in, but hey, I'll take what I can get.

The second break from formula is one of the few moments where I can see even a speck of the verve and creativity that so many others seem to find in this film - the car that breaks down (This is a horror film. There is always a car that breaks down.) is actually fixed and rendered usable. Incredible! Call it Chekhov's Wrench.

Unfortunately, the adherence to formula that fills the rest of the moments in Hell Night is unspeakably tedious and unremarkable. Mountains of needless exposition are ladled out during visually unenthusiastic walking sequences, and any moment of "tension" is stretched and stretched until every last bit of flavor is gone.

It's annoying because all the promotional stills make it look so cool.

The single most damning element is that during the death scenes you can't tell what the hell is happening. The blame for this can partially be laid on the crappy VHS transfer I was watching the movie on, but the real culprit is the editing, which muddles even the simplest reveals and mutilations compounded by halfhearted gore wherever it should count the most. If you can't even tell how people are dying, the slasher, she don't work so well, you see?

It's demure, especially by the standards of the gorefests of the early 80's. With its quick cutaways and darkened frames, this film feels more like an MPAA-neutered entry from the waning period toward the end of the century rather than a classic smack dab in the middle of the subgenre's Golden Age.

But no! 1981, darn it! I tentatively held out hope that even without great gore maybe it would make up for lost time with some sleazy exploitation or at least a forest of feathered hair. But no. Seth runs around in his underwear a lot, which is great, but the sex scenes are as musty as a candy rolling around in the bottom of a grandmother's purse and the 80's seemed to give this film a pass, rendering it timeless. Timeless crap, but timeless nonetheless.

No flesh, no blood, no fun.

And Marti spends probably a quarter of the film in a bedroom doing absolutely nothing and steadfastly refusing to be interesting. I can think of far more interesting things this film could have done with Linda Blair and a bed.

What, this isn't what you were thinking of?

Thankfully, the last five minutes or so are well directed (by Tom DeSimone of Good Hot Stuff, Swap Meat, Skin Deep, and Bi-Coastal, among other such family-friendly films) although far from revelatory. These final moments and several bits of flair that lightly sprinkle the middle third of the film are the only things Hell Night has going for it.

The leading lady is wan and whimpering, the gore is barely a spatter, and it made my mind wander so much I began to suspect it might actually be a subliminal hypnotism tape. I can't honestly in good faith recommend this film to anybody anywhere at any time. But at least it was better than To All A Goodnight.

Killer: Andrew Garth

Final Girl: Marti Gaines (Linda Blair)

Best Kill: Scott gets his head twisted around in the only even remotely interesting gore effect.

Sign of the Times: People actively understand an in-depth Leave it to Beaver reference; May's party outfit is a cheetah-print dress and a Madonna ponytail.

Scariest Moment: Seth has to climb over a tall fence with sharp spikes at the top.

Weirdest Moment: Seth walks through an open door in a police station, in which there is a table piled with guns and steals one.

Champion Dialogue: "These quaaludes are murder on my skin."

Body Count: 7; including the killer.

1. May is decapitated with a machete.
2. Scott has his head twisted around backwards.
3. Peter is impaled on a scythe.
4. Denise is killed... somehow. Her body is found in the basement.
5. Seth is shot with a shotgun.
6. Jeff is thrown to his death.
7. Andrew is impaled on the gate spikes. 

TL;DR: Hell Night is a pale specter of a slasher film, always remaining dull and flavorless in the worst possible places.

Rating: 4/10

Word Count: 1348