Census Bloodbath: Twin-sanity

Year: 1982

Director: Alberto De Martino

Cast: Michael Moriarty, Penelope Milford, Geraldine Fitzgerald 

Run Time: 1 hour 38 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

Blood Link is an early 80's slasher made by Italians, which a stone cold horror scholar could have sniffed out just from the poster, which borrows heavily from the poster for the same year's The New York Ripper, and by borrows heavily I mean wholesale steals the entire image except for Michael Moriarty's face shoved in there at the bottom. That kind of brazen thievery bears the distinct markings of the Italian horror producers of the late 20th century (the same group of people who, you might remember, advertised Twitch of the Death Nerve as The Last House on the Left Part 2 even though it came out several years before Last House).

You can also tell from the fact that every female character takes her top off at some point in the movie.

In Blood Link, Dr. Craig Mannings (Michael Moriarty) is living his best life, building an experimental therapy practice with his girlfriend who he refuses to marry, Dr. Julie Warren (Penelope Milford). Unfortunately this revolutionary new therapy (which involves electrocuting people through acupuncture needles - neat!) has unlocked a part of his brain and he can now occasionally see through the eyes of his long-lost conjoined twin brother Keith (Michael Moriarty). Wouldn't you know it, but this twin is a bit evil, and has been wandering around Germany murdering women for who knows how long.

He heads off to Europe to see if he can't drag his twin back to the states to get help, but becomes mixed up in his twin's evil schemes, because having the same face as somebody who has been murdering people in broad daylight is a little bit of a liability. He arrives just as a case of mistaken identity has thrown Keith into the path of Craig's former patient, prizefighter Bud Waldo (Cameron Mitchell of Memorial Valley Massacre, Terror Night, Without Warning, Blood and Black Lace, Silent Scream, and The Demon, phew) and his daughter Christine (Sarah Langenfeld).

Plus we get a whole bunch of shots straight out of The Parent Trap.

Blood Link very clearly wants to be an elegant early-70's style giallo like The Bird with the Crystal Plumage, but it's missing one key element: Dario Argento. His early work was just as nasty-minded and misogynistic as this movie is, but he at least presented it with style and panache. Alberto De Martino wouldn't know panache if it sprayed blood all over his fish tank. 

Sure, he gets a few cracks in at some pretty shots (it's very nice whenever the camera peers up into the mirrored ceiling of a prostitute's room, and there's one solid shot of the aforementioned fish tank lighting up an artfully arranged corpse), and Ennio Morricone's lush score makes a solid effort to class up the proceedings (minus the moments when the titular blood link is activated, which just sounds like a telegram coming in). But Blood Link is just plain nasty - cruel and gross in all the wrong ways.

I'm not saying that the slasher genre isn't built on the backbone of objectifying then murdering women, but rarely has that approach been so cut and dry, converting the already unsubtle subtext of phallic knife slayings into out-and-out text with clunky dialogue about Keith's impotence that it tries to gussy up with lots and lots of pointless philosophizing about twins. It has nothing to say, it just knows it needs to fill up the scenes between uncomfortable rapey menacing of women with something.

It's not scary other than when you're contemplating who out in the world would actually find this entertaining (the climax of the movie is a rape scene in a park, which should show you how little interest this has in really being a psychological horror film), and it's certainly not fun. It's just... unpleasant.

Meanwhile, Michael Moriarty continues to fuck his way across Europe like a regular Robert Langdon.

It doesn't even have the decency to at least spruce up the murder scenes with fun special effects. No, just a lot of grunting and stabbing in the back, and moving right along. And Michael Moriarty does not provide a fun presence to spend 100 minutes with. He might be playing two characters, but he's giving about half a performance between them. Every line spoken by Craig is spoken in a miserable monotone like Ross saying "hi..." in the pilot episode of Friends, and Keith is mostly performed the same except for the random moments where he becomes Jim Carrey as the Grinch.

This is exploitation filmmaking at its most bare bones. It's not quite pornography, not quite horror, not worth your time. It definitely makes sense why they didn't even bother making Blood Link its own poster. I don't want you to mistake me as saying this is one of the worst slasher films I've ever seen - it's not even in the bottom 100 - but it certainly gave me no pleasure to watch. It's largely competent at putting images on the screen and presents its tawdry narrative with clarity, so it's at least above par for an entry this deep into any Census Bloodbath year.

Killer: Keith Mannings (Michael Moriarty)

Final Girl: Julie Warren (Penelope Milford), but only as an afterthought

Best Kill: The reveal of how the twins' parents died, which shows them having sex in a garage for some reason and being hilariously crushed by a speeding truck.

Sign of the Times: We just can't stop calling people with creepy messages on those courtesy telephones at the airport, can we?

Scariest Moment: When training with Bud, Keith starts to get more and more violent and intense.

Weirdest Moment: One other thing the twins have in common is that they like to stir jam into their coffee.

Champion Dialogue: "Breakfast in bed is a disgusting luxury. I love it."

Body Count: 9

Cougar is stabbed in the back.

Prostitute #1 has her head smashed through a window.

Bud Waldo has a heart attack while being beaten to death.

Christine is stabbed to death.

Prostitute #2 is stabbed in the back.

Smuggler is stabbed in the chest.

Keith (or was it Craig? cue dramatic music) is stabbed in the back.

Mom and

Dad are crushed with a truck in flashback.

TL;DR: Blood Link is trying to be something better than it is, and it is failing.

Rating: 4/10

Word Count: 1080

They're Back

Year: 1986

Director: Brian Gibson

Cast: JoBeth Williams, Craig T. Nelson, Heather O'Rourke

Run Time: 1 hour 29 minutes

MPAA Rating: PG-13

It was only a matter of time before they made a Poltergeist sequel. After all, the original film came out in 1982, just one year after the 80's sequel inferno ignited with the success of Friday the 13th Part 2. 

It's a mystery why they waited so long, but presumably the filmmakers wanted to be respectful of the legacy of Dominique Dunne. The actress, who played the Freelings' teen daughter, was tragically murdered shortly after the film's release, forming the first in a series of unfortunate deaths that became known as the "Poltergeist Curse."

But I'm not here to write about Hollywood gossip and tenuous paranormal theories (though if the show Ghost Hunters is any indication, there's a market for that). I'm here to write about some horror sequels, because that's what I love to do. 

God help me.

Poltergeist II: The Other Side is the dictionary definition of diminishing returns. The box office was lower, the returning cast was altogether weaker, and the special effects extravaganza that defined the original film had subsided into the background. The plot could have given away this fact all on its own, with its ultimate revelation that the Freelings' house in the Cuesta Verde suburb complex was built on a burial ground which was... built on a different burial ground. This time, the tomb of an unlucky cult.

One of my favorite things is when horror franchises get desperate enough to resort to crazy plot devices to keep their overarching narrative going. This is like Christmas for me.

So anyway, the Freelings - father Steve (Craig T. Nelson), mother Diane (JoBeth Williams), son Robbie (Oliver Robins), and daughter Carol Anne (Heather O'Rourke) - are back, and this time they're living with their grandmother (Geraldine Fitzgerald). When the demonic cult leader/ghost/whatever the needs of the scene require Reverend Henry Kane (Julian Beck) begins haunting their new abode, inflicting the power of the spirit world upon the family yet again, they realize that their nightmare isn't over.

Nor are the effects that look like a Scooby Doo computer game come to life.

Of course Tangina (Zelda Rubinstein) is back, but the utterly weird effect she instilled upon the first film is dashed through overfamiliarity, a too early appearance, and its dilution through the utterly inadequate Taylor (Will Sampson). Taylor is at once a grotesque caricature of Native American shamans and a purveyor of dangerously concentrated Sequel Explanation nonsense. When he's not sitting in his teepee or trying to steal Steve's car, he is portentously babbling about the evil forces that are hard at work at not scaring us at all.

Because, let's face it, Poltergeist II: The Other Side is about as scary as a bowl of milk. The special effects are mostly nonexistent, only perking up beyond "a third grader drew lightning on the screen" on two occasions. Now, one of these moments is pure H. R. Giger nightmare fuel, but for the most part the film can't focus on anything long enough to wring true terror from it.

To be fair, this was a film beset with difficulties. Following Julian Beck's untimely death from stomach cancer during the middle of filming (The Curse! Burn the witch!), the filmmakers were forced to retool the ending sequence, throwing off the balance of the story immensely. While Kane's visage and Beck's performance are suitably extravagant, he never comes across as a truly potent evil figure, and his being shuffled out of the film halfway through renders the entire third act aimless and perplexing, during which arbitrary characters are bestowed with inconsequential clairvoyance left and right and the plot wastes away, wheezing in the corner.

A series of deus ex machina moments prolong a perfunctory and muddled ending that occurs without finality or triumph, merely a slight whiff of putrid air.

The power of family continues to prevail over the power of hack screenwriting.

Despite featuring performances from more or less the exact same cast, the years and the decreased production values have sucked the impact out of things. Previous standout JoBeth Williams is shunted aside aside in a role that highlights the ineffably weaker Craig T. Nelson's Steve as the central figure. His already unsteady performance is toppled by a script that requires him to wear a terrible haircut and a more or less permanent scowl, then parade around without a shirt an inexplicably numerous amount of times.

Zelda Rubinstein and Heather O'Rourke, the two most ethereally compelling figures from Poltergeist, are likewise given short shrift. O'Rourke had some raw talent, but with any child actor, she needed a good director to draw it out of her. Brian Gibson (of the Tina Turner biopic What's Love Got to Do with It - so at least he has some experience with horror) was evidently not that director. And poor Miss Rubinstein seems actively bored in a paranormal role turned as mundane as the neighborhood milkman.

She looks like she just dropped by to borrow a cup of sugar.

But in spite of its cavalcade of flaws, there's something mildly interesting lurking just beneath the waxen surface of Poltergeist II. First off, some of the original film's humor survives, especially in the family's reaction to their previous predicament (i.e. they have no TV and are forced to listen to sports on the radio; they discuss what exactly they should say on their insurance forms considering that their house crumpled itself into the void).

In addition, there is an occasional gesture toward the political acuity of Poltergeist. Where the first film was all about the dark side of Reagan-era suburbia, the sequel shines a light on the crisis of American masculinity. It's not nearly so intelligent as I made it sound, but the chink in Steve's armor is his doubt about being able to keep his family together. With his position as patriarchal authority figure in question, he allows the spirits to manipulate him through his weakness and fear.

There's an additional subplot that, while I wish it were explored more in depth, stings with truth. It comes to light that Diane initially wanted to have an abortion when she found out she was pregnant with Carol Anne. This revelation allows a rift to grow in the family unit as the ghosts gain strength, but is defeated when their love for one another overcomes this obstacle.

I don't have a caption for this. I just like this picture.

So all in all, Poltergeist II: The Other Side isn't remotely scary, falls prey to a disorganized screenplay, and doesn't truly explore the consequences of the titular other side. It's not particularly worth watching for any but the true faithful haunted house fandom, but if you decide to pursue it, there are several nuggets that you can manage to mine. Preferably if you're writing a thesis on ghost films or something, because at least you can make productive use of your wasted time.

TL;DR: Poltergeist II: The Other Side is a lackluster sequel that lacks direction and scares.
Rating: 5/10
Word Count: 1193
Reviews In This Series
Poltergeist (Hooper, 1982)
Poltergeist II: The Other Side (Gibson, 1986)
Poltergeist III (Sherman, 1988)
Poltergeist (Kenan, 2015)