Brown Is The New Black

Year: 2015

Director: Steve Martino

Cast: Noah Schnapp, Bill Melendez, Hadley Belle Miller

Run Time: 1 hour 28 minutes

MPAA Rating: G

To put it bluntly, I can’t stand the comic strip Peanuts. Its nostalgic monotony and saccharine anti-humor are the Kryptonite to my Iron Man. It’s not even in the same universe as my sense of humor. Needless to say, I did not seek out this year’s The Peanuts Movie. Alas, it found me, thanks to a relationship of some 2 ½ years that I find a regrettable necessity to maintain. You can imagine my surprise when the film ended up being not quite so bad as all that.

You’re welcome. You can put down the torches and pitchforks. We wouldn’t want you straining your arms.

The Peanuts Movie tells the story of one Charlie Brown (Noah Schnapp). You may have heard of him. He lives in Anytown, USA with his sister Sally (Mariel Sheets), his dog Snoopy (Bill Melendez’s recording backlog), and their inexplicable small bird friend Woodstock (Bill Melendez, and isn’t it nice that two of culture’s most iconic characters were voiced by a Latino? Go history!). All of his friends – especially Lucy (Hadley Belle Miller) – think he’s a schlub, but when a certain Little Red-Haired Girl (Francesca Capaldi) moves to town, Charlie develops an instant crush, vowing to utilize his blank slate and impress her.

As he attempts to win her approval via various schemes that gang aft agley, he dashes his way through a collage of classic Peanuts moments that attempt to browbeat the audience into whimsical nostalgia. Look! There’s Schroeder (Noah Johnston) on his piano! A choir singing “Christmas Time Is Here” (which invariably reminds me of Arrested Development, probably much to the consternation of the Schultz estate)! And over there! It’s Peppermint Patty (Venus Schultheis) playing hockey with her assistant/lesbian love slave Marcie (Rebecca Bloom)!

And the make KIDS watch this stuff? Kinky.

Presumably they put those touches in for the grown-ups dragging their kids to see the film, because I don’t see a six-year-old waxing nostalgic for a property they were introduced to months before via Amazon Prime. But never fear! Along with being an alarmingly thorough, sometimes obsessively devoted Fatal Attraction-y recreation of the tried-and-true Peanuts tropes and characters, The Peanuts Movie is also a dazzlingly boilerplate children’s film sure to fail to offend all the families of this great nation.

Don’t let my suppurating sarcasm fool you, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. If you’re an adult looking for bracingly original entertainment, 1) What the hell are you doing here in the first place? And 2) this film just plain isn’t for you. It’s a charming, unchallenging 80-minute cartoon with more or less conflict-free hijinks and a deeply baked-in moral that can be sniffed out at a hundred yards. It’s as predictable as a calendar, but if you’re in the mood for a bit of colorful fluff, it does the trick.

However, though the narrative lacks complexity, the animation more than makes up for it. Although the spongy CGI technique that renders the characters takes some getting used to, the visual language of Peanuts is delightfully vivacious. Utilizing the unreality of cartoons in a much more satisfying way than most recent children’s films, The Peanuts Movie cleverly blends ancient tropes and modern, squeaky clean humor. 

The joy of embracing the anarchy and visual rule-breaking allowed by animation comes through in nearly every frame, whether it be a creative take on the split-screen telephone effect or giving weight and substance to a cloud of imaginary hearts. It’s a technique that will always keep you engaged, even when the story tastes like an infinitely familiar formula.

The best thing about writing for children is that they haven’t seen squat and thus have no idea when you’re recycling material.

This totally generic, occasionally sweet, aesthetically dashing flick mostly floats along harmlessly, though there are a couple shabby patches that leak out a little air from the piece as a whole. The most physically jarring of these are the all-too-frequent interludes into Snoopy’s jet fighter alter ego. I can’t speak for the rest of the Charlie Brown films, but here Snoopy is at best a tertiary comic relief character and his obligatory flights of fancy to thwart the Red Baron halt the momentum of the film like a bowling ball to the stomach. They pull focus from the actual narrative to a totally pointless action adventure (starring Kristin Chenoweth for some reason) that reads like a twelve-year-old’s dream journal. Sure, the G.I. Joe demographic might dig it, but who in their right mind brought them to see this movie?

The only other major complaint to be had (besides the fact that the Meghan Trainor song written for the movie plays three distinct times, which is at least two and a half too many) is that, in keeping with tradition, the Little Red-Haired Girl’s face is kept obscured. Until it isn’t. They abruptly show the character’s face about a third of the way through the movie with literally zero fanfare, in a side view with a wide shot, at which point they utterly cease any effort not to show her. This turn of events is actively confounding. It would be like Jaws having the shark nip out of the water for a quick ice cream cone in the background of a dialogue scene.

Both these issues do serious damage to the pace and tone of the film, but the classic framework the story is built on could weather any storm. The Peanuts Movie endures, providing a distraction for kids that is skilled enough to engaged the parents as well, at least at an aesthetic level. It’s family filmmaking at its most sweetly inconsequential.

TL;DR: The Peanuts Movie is harmless, sweet children's entertainment that displays an unusually creative visual style.

Rating: 7/10

Word Count: 979

I Have A Good Feeling About This

Year: 2015

Director: J. J. Abrams

Cast: Daisy Ridley, John Boyega, Oscar Isaac

Run Time: 2 hours 15 minutes

MPAA Rating: PG-13

Whether or not I liked Star Wars: The Force Awakens is beside the point. The film is well on its way to making enough money to buy its own solar system, so people are clearly seeing it. The question really should be whether or not it’s good enough to deserve the record-obliterating box office it will loudly amass over the course of the next few months. That’s pretty unequivocally a no, considering that nothing short of a film directed by God himself could truly be worthy of that kind of money. But as a three decades later sequel to the single most culturally important film trilogy ever created (prequels? Never heard of ‘em.), it’s still pretty damn terrific.

As the first sequel in forward continuity since 1983, the first Star Wars not to be directed by the increasingly dubious producer/despot George Lucas since 1983, and the first appearance of Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Mark Hamill, and Peter Mayhew (among others) in their original roles since 1983, The Force Awakens is pretty much doomed to thwart the Mount Everest of expectations riding on it. However, when compared to the likes of delayed sequels like Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull, Terminator: Genisys, and even Jurassic World, The Force Awakens is a magnum opus of revival cinema, nestling snugly into the universe of its own franchise and always feeling like an organic next step to the story.

Our fridges are safe from nuking.

And now, a bare bones plot summary that attempts to avoid any and all spoilers. What fun this shall be. We start with our three torch-passees, the new blood that will become the backbone of this new trilogy (plus the books, cartoons, multimedia gaming experiences, live shows, and shared universe spin-offs that Disney will inevitably wring from this property): Rey (Daisy Ridley), a tough scavenger who is awaiting her long-departed family on the desert planet Jakku; Fin (John Boyega), a mutinous storm trooper attempting to escape the clutches of the evil First Order; and Poe (Oscar Isaac, freshly shaved after Ex Machina), a Resistance pilot with a cocky attitude and an adorable droid best friend called BB-8, whose merchandise you will have pre-ordered by the time the credits roll.

For a variety of reasons, both willingly and unwillingly, they become a part of the Resistance attack on the First Order, the shadowy eeevil complex that has replaced the Empire. They will have to get past the wicked and ginger General Hux (Domhnall Glesson) and the masked Jedi Kylo Ren (Adam Driver), who are both under the thumb of Supreme Leader Snoke (mocapper extraordinaire Andy Serkis). Who will win? Will these inexperienced youngsters ever become true heroes?

Will I ever be able to pay off those BB-8 related purchases on my credit card bill?

I would like to open by saying that I’ve never been a fanboy for Star Wars. I appreciate the films for what they are, but I’m certainly no ride-or-die, midnight screening, AT-AT pronunciation debating obsessive. I in no way felt obligated to like The Force Awakens, so you can imagine my surprise when I kind of loved it. It has its share of deficiencies, and we’ll get to that, but for the time being let’s bask in the triumph of this seventh Star Wars entry easily settling into the consensus-approved third best slot in the franchise.

One of the best things about The Force Awakens is that, while it is absolutely a nostalgia trip, it remains entirely modern and individualized. It engages with the original story, characters, and technology, but it’s not a clip show. We don’t see our heroes jetting off to pick up MacGuffins on Hoth or Tatooine, and you certainly don’t see them paying a visit to the Ewoks on Endor or sifting through Trade Federation file cabinets on Naboo. Some planets might be more than a little reminiscent of previous locales, but The Force Awakens keeps its gaze firmly forward. The returning characters do have some catching up to do, but their plot lines revolve around the present consequences of their past lives, not sitting around looking at scrapbooks of the good ol’ days. That was a long time ago.

In a galaxy far, far away.

In fact, the new characters and material are frequently where the film works best. The dialogue is a little more winking and modern than some fans will appreciate, but the character dynamics they build are tremendously effective. Oscar Isaac’s Poe is easily the most charismatic star-making performance, but Ridley and Boyega miraculously hold their own in an arena a million times more epic than their entire filmographies combined, each developing meaningful relationships with old and new cast members alike.

Also, major kudos to the villain casting department. I never in my wildest peyote dreams would have suggested the douche from Girls and the wimpy ginger from Ex Machina as sneering baddies, but it undeniably works. They don’t get to flex their muscles fully here, presumably reserving the First Order’s bigger firepower for the sequels, but both get their moment in the sun, Gleeson in a deliciously terrifying more-than-a-little Nazi-esque speech, and driver in a few scenes of vulnerable intensity that even overpower the script’s tritest nuggets, all of which seem to get dumped over his lusciously-locked head. The only bum note is Andy Serkis’ Stoke, who embodies a woefully blah brand of Disney villainy.

Even Thanos must be a little embarrassed for him.

Speaking of Guardians of the Galaxy, The Force Awakens is actually extremely similar to that Marvel-Disney triumph. It makes a name for itself with colorful characters, playful dialogue, and rip-roarin’ action sequences, all of which are thickly plastered over one of the most thinly generic plots a couple hundred million dollars can buy. I mean, really? [Medium Spoilers Another, slightly larger Death Star? Color me unsurprised.] Dumb and Dumber To had a more complex throughline. Now, I’m not saying that a typical plot sinks this movie, but the story is just a heap of radio serial boilerplate and is certainly not one of the many numbers of reasons to see The Force Awakens.

Between the tissue paper-thin story structure and a couple stunted character arcs that are clearly looking to unfold in the long term but give nothing to the current film, I can confidently conclude that The Force Awakens is not a masterpiece. However, if things go well, I can completely see this as the dazzling but inferior A New Hope to Episode VIII’s triumphantly gigantic Empire Strikes Back. Obviously I don’t know what’s in store for us on that front, but this is a great film with room for huge improvement. I honestly think that’s the best place for the franchise to land at this point.

At any rate, Star Wars is back! I didn’t know it was possible, but we’ve finally returned to that grand, adventurous space opera in style. With all the grubby detail and cosmic swashbuckling of the original films, hitched on to a totally current slate of character diversity, adrenalized banter, universe expansion, and cute as hell droidsmanship, the franchise is finally back on solid ground after decades of aimlessly drifting through the inky void.

TL;DR: Star Wars: The Force Awakens is a simple but inviting story that returns to the Star Wars universe with style.
Rating: 8/10
Word Count: 1246
Reviews In This Series
Star Wars (Lucas, 1977)
Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (Kershner, 1980)
Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi (Marquand, 1983)
Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (Abrams, 2015)
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (Edwards, 2016)
Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (Johnson, 2017)
Solo: A Star Wars Story (Howard, 2018)

Frog Bless Us, Every One

Year: 1992

Director: Brian Henson

Cast: Michael Caine, Dave Goelz, Steve Whitmire 

Run Time: 1 hour 25 minutes

MPAA Rating: G

So, here we are. The reason I foolishly decided to begin a Muppet marathon in the month leading up to Star Wars VII, only the biggest blockbuster event in the annals of blog history. No, The Muppet Christmas Carol does not hold the same currency as a review of, say, The Empire Strikes Back. But as a fiendish bit of counterprogramming, it works perfectly, injecting a bit of felt-covered family fun into the Popcorn Culture Christmas season, which is generally a notoriously bloody affair.

The Muppet Christmas Carol, released in 1992, heralds in the darkest stretch of our retrospective, the decade immediately following Jim Henson’s tragic death in 1990. Steve Whitmire does an admirable job covering his shifts as the classic characters Kermit the Frog, Rizzo the Rat, and Beaker, but with the loss of Henson, the floppy ensemble also lost their guiding light, that indomitable spark that twinkled at the core of their features. That is not to say that Muppet Christmas Carol is a bad movie. But it is profoundly lacking in that Something that even the worst Muppet features contained.

Cough, cough, Great Muppet Caper.

The Muppet Christmas Carol begins by immediately bringing back the meta absent from the previous entry with hurricane force. Gonzo (Dave Goelz) and Rizzo (Steve Whitmire) welcome us to the film. Gonzo is portraying Charles Dickens as the interactive narrator to the story. As much as he is, in the film, wholly and irrevocably Charles Dickens, we are meant to understand that he is also wholly and irrevocably Gonzo. And both of them, whoever they are, have chosen to partner with a Guido rat to tell us the story. I bet you thought these movies wouldn’t require several advanced degrees in rhetorical logic, but these are still the Muppets we’re talking about, Henson or no Henson.

Anyway, Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge (Michael Caine, somehow) is a miserable, miserly old man who hates Christmas, charity, the poor, and pretty much anything that doesn’t rhyme with “honey.” He is cruel to his employees, including the kindly Bob Cratchett (Kermit (Steve Whitmire)), who lives in destitution with his wife (Miss Piggy (Frank Oz)) and their kids, including the crippled but loving Tiny Tim (Robin (Jerry Nelson)). You know the story, weed of Christmas past – whoops, sorry, I got my The Night Before notes mixed up in there. Ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future arrive to show Scrooge the error of his ways and teach him to respect the spirit of Christmas.

Side note: There are serial murderers less creepy than the Ghost of Christmas Past.

It is at this point that I should probably note that this was the moment in Muppet history where the Disney company first decided to get their hands dirty in the franchise, preparing for the purchase of Jim Henson Studios. Perhaps this is the reason Muppet Christmas Carol feels more like a cheery, corporatized slog. Perhaps it was the loss of Henson, or the advent of that most peculiar epoch known as the 90’s. Whatever the reason, this film, despite continuing the Muppet legacy of solid family content, feels altogether more typical and uninspired than ever before.

It certainly doesn’t help that the film’s adaptation of Charles Dickens’ morality tale is slavishly faithful, even to the point of including full, direct passages because you know how much kiddos love their 19th century literature. Although this does have the intriguing effect of preserving the abjecet horror present in the material, it stifles the ability of the Muppets to do anything other than paint in the numbers, occasionally breaking into one of a litany of mostly boilerplate theater in the park songs. Except for the addition of a little juvenile slapstick here and there, the film is just another lump of coal in the bucker of generic Christmas Carol adaptations, of which there have been literally dozens since the birth of cinema.

Perhaps the single biggest flaw at the core of the film is Michael Caine. This feels like utter heresy to say, but it’s true. He coasts through the film, leaning on his inherent Britishisms to provide an adequately curmudgeonly performance, but nothing more. Many talented actors have trouble interacting with the Muppets (my least favorite being those who pitch up their voices and overact like they’re talking to a damn child with a poopy diaper – don’t they know who they’re dealing with?), but what he’s asked to do here (fly into a time portal with a china doll, shout angrily at a tiny bunny rabbit, and – worst of all – sing) seems to completely flummox him.

The other unfortunate effect of Caine’s starring role is that even the A-list Muppets are sidelined. Miss Piggy and Fozzie Bear (Frank Oz) literally get less screen time than freaking Bunsen Honeydew, and even Kermit hops out of the film for massive stretches. The ghosts and the bulk of the ensemble aren’t even played by recognizable characters! This is a Muppet film that blatantly flaunts its lack of the Muppets, and it suffers greatly for it. Caine is called upon for no comedy at all, and the classic characters are trapped in treacherously serious side roles, so the results are bleakly dull for a miserably large proportion of the time.

I never thought I’d actually be happy to see Electric Mayhem on my TV screen.

If you take the film at face value as a Dickens adaptation, it is acceptable holiday fodder, but from a Muppet fan perspective, it’s an undue slog. The one place where the film really shines with the proper intensity is in its overall aesthetic. The gingerbread Olde England architecture that populates the sets is imbued with a whimsical, dare I say expressionistic, twist that reliably induces the proper sense of fantasy with wonky, tilted designs that delight the eyes.

Muppet Christmas Carol also retains the daring, rule-breaking puppetry that defined all the previous films. Although, there are none of the bicycle shots that Muppet  filmmakers inexplicably adored in the 80’s, we get ice skating Muppets, floating ghost Muppets in chains, and an indescribably stunning shot of Kermit walking down the street with Tiny Tim on his shoulder humming a Christmas ditty. That moment more than any other captures the sentimental magic of the franchise in a perfect little microcosm. Put that crap in a snowglobe, and I’d buy a dozen.

So no, I don’t hate The Muppet Christmas Carol. It is as far from being my favorite Muppet movie as my 12-pushups-a-day physique is from Chris Evans. But as a film, it is at the very least tolerable and from time to time, pretty fun. The Muppets were still reeling from the loss of Jim Henson, as they would be for a decade and change, but this is perhaps the best iteration of his legacy made during that period, even if the choice of material was certifiably dubious.

TL;DR: The Muppet Christmas Carol is a dully devoted adaptation that sidelines its most lovable characters.

Rating: 6/10

Word Count: 1189
Reviews In This Series
The Muppet Movie (Frawley, 1979)
The Great Muppet Caper (Henson, 1981)
The Muppets Take Manhattan (Oz, 1984)
The Muppet Christmas Carol (Henson, 1992)
Muppet Treasure Island (Henson, 1996)
Muppets from Space (Hill, 1999)
The Muppets (Bobin, 2011)
Muppets Most Wanted (Bobin, 2014)

The Weather Outside Is Frightful

Year: 2015

Director: Mike Dougherty

Cast: Adam Scott, Toni Collette, David Koechner

Run Time: 1 hour 38 minutes

MPAA Rating: PG-13

Krampus is probably the movie I’ve most looked forward to all year. I love Christmas horror, I love Toni Collette, and after seeing Trick R Treat for the first time this Halloween, I had faith in director Mike Dougherty. But, as often happens in this tempestuous business of film, reality imposed a different outcome. Krampus is a huge, gold-wrapped present under the Christmas tree that, upon opening, turns out to be a clothes hamper It’s not a bad or pointless gift by any means, but it utterly fails to match up to the visions of sugarplums dancing in your head.

‘Twas the month before Christmas, and all through the blog, these terrible puns your eyeballs did clog.

Krampus tells the holly jolly tale of a family that has lost the Christmas spirit. Father Tom (Adam Scott) is too busy with work to pay attention, mother Sarah (Toni Collette) is stressed and dismissive, and daughter Beth (Stefania LaVie Owen) just wants to smoke pot out of a ludicrously festive peppermint bong with her loser boyfriend. Only their son Max (Emjay Anthony) and their German speaking grandmother (Krista Stadler) seem to even notice there’s a holiday going on. When their annoying relatives, who even Roald Dahl would denounce as hyperbolically vile, come to visit – led by gun-totin’ trailer trash Howard (David Koechner) – Max is mercilessly taunted and ends up destroying his letter to Santa, scattering it to the winds.

This act of treason upon the Spirit of Christmas summons Krampus, the dark shadow of Santa Claus, to dole out punishment and re-instill the holiday value of giving. But instead of Barbies and golf clubs that you’ll need to fake enthusiasm for, they’ll be giving something much more valuable… Their lives.

Well, Toni Collette’s character’s life I valuable at least. You can take or leave the rest of ‘em.

Krampus has a killer opening. Perhaps the best opening of any film this year. An opening that is so ironic, winking, and silly that the rest of the film has all but no choice but to fail to live up to it. But Krampus makes another critical error that it had a veritable ocean of opportunities to avoid: it’s working from a script that, at the very least, needed a couple passes before it was anywhere near complete. From a technical standpoint, the film is a gas, but at the script level it’s a Vegas casino: full of glitz and glamour with very little payoff.

The sheer amount of story elements that are introduced in the first act and never come up again (Eagle Scout survival training, creepy snowmen, a big honking meat cleaver) would have Chekhov swallowing the barrel of his gun. In short, it feels like it was made by a careless teenager, an enthusiastic kid who was too lustily excited by the thought of what he could create to stop and focus on why. There are brief swipes at emotional resonance, but they’re immature and ill thought-out, carried by archetypical characters as broad as the tree in Rockefeller Plaza.

Krampus is a blizzard. A flurry of totally unique, crystalline ideas (including my personal, consumerism-lampooning favorite: the plan to take refuge in a local mall) gets caught up in the furious gale, forming an indistinct rushing mass. It’s pretty to look at, but you don’t particularly want to get caught in it. However, for all that its individual snowflakes don’t stand out the way they should, it’s still a memorable experience.

How’s this metaphor going? I live in Southern California, so this is all hearsay.

For all that Krampus sublimely disappoints one’s expectations, there’s plenty of good that won’t come out. Design-wise, Krampus is an out-and-out masterpiece. Krampus’ hulking, cloaked figure cuts an imposing silhouette through the falling snow, and his helpers are frivolous exercises in nightmare fuel. Especially the fleshy, snakelike jack-in-the-box monster. That guy will be knocking on the door of my fragile psyche for weeks. But, you guessed it, despite their beautiful, feral forms, these creatures get very little to do. There’s just too damn many of them and the film has almost no idea what actual purpose they serve in the narrative.

Krampus bumbles wide-eyed through its own ideas like it’s Alice touring Wonderland. Even the film seems surprised when it stumbles across a patch of pure, fairy tale fright, like the glistening storybook town surrounding the snowbound house. In these moments, which are admittedly pretty frequent, we get a boost of adrenaline to drive us to the next sequence, whether it be an ass-kicking sister in law or an attack by mutant gingerbread men.

I apologize if my ample complaints have been misleading, because Krampus is very fun very much of the time. It’s a turn-your-brain-off good time, a Gremlins for the Twitter set. It’s just that the deficits of the film hit even harder considering the talent that was poured into it. Its unearned emotional beats and stunted character arcs don’t prevent it from being entertaining, but they do cut it off at the knees every time it makes the effort to be something more profound than its cheesy Christmas horror brethren like Silent, Night, Deadly Night.

Luckily, if you desperately want to see a Dougherty holiday flick that will knock your socks off, you’ve got Trick R Treat. And I do hope Krampus makes boatloads of money, but more for the sake of studio horror in general than any genuine devotion to the property, which I fully expected to be a gem. But a good time at the movies is a good time at the movies, even if it isn’t quite as grandly consequential as you’d planned.

TL;DR: Krampus is a fun Christmas horror flick that squanders its potential to be truly great.

Rating: 7/10

Word Count: 983

Pig In The City

Year: 1984

Director: Frank Oz

Cast: Jim Henson, Frank Oz, Dave Goelz

Run Time: 1 hour 34 minutes

MPAA Rating: G

We are far from the end of our Muppet marathon, but we have hit a major milestone. 1984’s The Muppets Take Manhattan, the third feature film starring Jim Henson’s beloved creations, is also the final film to feature Henson himself before his untimely death in 1990. I don’t know what we’ll face in the sprawling decade of 90’s Muppetry, but at the very least it’s some comfort that his final silver screen outing was the most consistent, appealing cinematic Muppet venture yet.

Although, let’s not pretend any single moment in cinema history could beat “Rainbow Connection.”

The Muppets Take Manhattan begins like every great Muppet film should: with a dream: Kermit the Frog (Jim Henson) and his friends have just graduated college and decide to head to Broadway to put on a show. Unfortunately, the big city eats apple-cheeked sentimentalism for breakfast, and they end up living out of bus station lockers and struggling to get by. The gang splits up to pursue their own destinies, but Kermit stays behind, befriending a waitress named Jenny (Juliana Donald) and teaming up to save the show and get his friends back together.

Miss Piggy (Frank Oz) also stays behind, to tail Kermit and Jenny and fly into a jealous rage whenever they hug. Hijinks ensue, involving roller skates, permed curls (never forget this was made in the 80’s), amnesia, and plenty of celebrity cameos. Half of which I recognized this time!

I might just know Elliott Gould from playing Ross and Monica’s dad on Friends, but that still counts!

With this entry, the Muppets have finally settled into the right budget range. The Muppets themselves maintain their astonishing lack of physical limitation (save a close-up of their marching feet, an unerringly disturbing sight that not even Kubrick could have gotten right), but tone down on the extravagant, showy production numbers. The Muppets are a lot of things, but they’re not shallow, and the exhausting profusion of pace-halting glitz in The Great Muppet Caper got alarmingly close to that dreaded lack of depth. But never mind that, because we’re back and we’re going to Broadway!

Since we spent so much time slamming Caper’s musical propensities, I suppose it’s prudent to explain where Manhattan goes right. The soundtrack is perhaps the most consistent of the first three films (though there is no standout like “Rainbow Connection,” it also doesn’t hit a nadir like “Couldn’t We Ride”), with each number actually servicing the plot and its themes in some way. The only time the film takes a screeching halt for a number is the playful doo-wop “I’m Gonna Always Love You,” performed by a live-action commercial for the Muppet Babies cartoon that would premiere two months hence. Fortunately, this performance is so cute that your face melts like that Nazi from Indiana Jones and you can’t be bothered to notice how indefensibly pointless it is.

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

No further questions, your honor.

Another stand-out number, for obvious reasons, is the recurring motif “Together Again,” as direct a statement of the sentimental Muppetian love for the world, its inhabitants, and each other as there ever could be. It also boasts some kick-ass shoulder choreography that just shouldn’t be possible to achieve with felt hand puppets. And then there’s “Somebody’s Getting Married,” a musical theatre pastiche that bottles pure Broadway joy into a song that serves a purpose both in the show within the movie and the movie itself. Now, that’s screenwriting.

Now, Muppets Take Manhattan is not a perfect movie. It’s a consistent movie with by far the most successful narrative in the franchise, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the best. At times it can be altogether shaggy, especially when it splits up the core group of Muppets. We get a grab bag of sketches of varying quality describing their whereabouts, and the dutiful focus on each individual Muppet is charmingly sincere, though a bit long in the tooth. Especially in the third act, there are a lot of additional plot points that crop up just to add another wrinkle to the plot for no real reason other than extending the run time.

And I suppose there’s no better place than here to bring up an issue I’ve had with the Muppets since day one. It’s controversial, so viewer discretion is advised. I’m not a fan of Kermit and Miss Piggy’s relationship. I get the sitcom “take my wife, please” act, but I don’t ever feel for more than a minute at a time throughout any of these movies that Kermit cares about Piggy or wants to commit to her in any way. Her unfiltered devotion compared to his slightly alarmed ambivalence gives me angina. Piggy pushes and pushes him about getting married after he sells the show, much to his seeming consternation. So when the musical finale concludes in a showstopping wedding, it doesn’t feel earned at all, making the entire ending a little abrupt and clunky.

So there you have it. Brennan hates love.

But damn it all to hell, this is a Muppets feature. It’s silly, it’s fun, and Miss Piggy bends iron with her kung fu grip. You’re never not having a good time when you’re watching The Muppets Take Manhattan. The cameos are a little lax this time around, but having a roller skating Gregory Hines ask “You gave Jenny the huggies?” pretty much makes up for any deficiencies in that regard.

This is the first Muppet feature to never break the fourth wall, but it’s also the first to be an actual, bona fide movie. With Frank Oz, the Muppeteer with perhaps the broadest extracurricular experience (Yoda! Little Shop of Horrors! The man’s an icon.), at the helm, the movie finds its way to the finish line with fleet footing. Or is that hoofing? Webbing? At any rate, it’s even more fun to watch the Muppets take Manhattan than Jason Voorhees, and you know how much I adore that big lug.

TL;DR: The Muppet Take Manhattan is a little ditsy, but effervescently fun.

Rating: 7/10
Word Count: 1031
Reviews In This Series
The Muppet Movie (Frawley, 1979)
The Great Muppet Caper (Henson, 1981)
The Muppets Take Manhattan (Oz, 1984)
The Muppet Christmas Carol (Henson, 1992)
Muppet Treasure Island (Henson, 1996)
Muppets from Space (Hill, 1999)
The Muppets (Bobin, 2011)
Muppets Most Wanted (Bobin, 2014)

Deck The Halls With Pills Of Molly

Year: 2015

Director: Jonathan Levine

Cast: Seth Rogen, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Anthony Mackie

Run Time: 1 hour 41 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas! OK, if you’ve been in a Target any time since October, it might feel like it’s been Christmas for millennia. But December is finally here and the holiday season is once again upon us. And this time the present we’re receiving is much sweeter than the unwarranted ire of North Korea. From director Jonathan Levine (of 50/50, Warm Bodies, and All the Boys Love Mandy Lane, because rest assured if there’s a slasher hidden in your closet, I will dig it out) comes The Night Before, the movie Judd Apatow would make if his heart grew three sizes.

Health warning: The Grinch is not scientifically accurate. If your heart should swell this holiday season, seek medical attention immediately.

The Night Before is your standard Apatow stable tale of a manboy learning to grow up. This time it’s Ethan (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), a 30-something with no direction in life. In a tradition that began the Christmas Eve 14 years ago when his parents died, he and his friends gather together on December 24th to celebrate and attempt to find a mythical party known as the Nutcracker Ball. However, this particular celebration will be their last, because Isaac (Seth Rogen) is expecting a child with his wife Betsy (Jillian Bell) and Chris (Anthony Mackie) is a rising football star with a lot on his plate. And a lot of syringe marks on his ass, if you catch my drift.

As the night progresses, Ethan must learn that friendships change, and that’s not always a bad thing. When the friends’ three different goals for the night inevitably clash, Chris and Isaac must also face harsh truths about themselves. Also, Ethan pursues his ex, Diana (Lizzy Caplan), who is a woman in a bro comedy and as such doesn’t get very much to do.

Although there’s at least a solid reason she might consider forgiving Ethan. Have you SEEN his face?

Obviously, question number one when reviewing a comedy is “Is it funny?” For my rule of thumb, I propose a secondary question: “Is Randall Park in it?” I’ve written about Randall Park until the cows came home and then left again because I wouldn’t stop, so I won’t belabor the point here. But! If Mr. Park blesses a movie with one of his mystical 30-second nuggets of screen time, it’s pretty much worth watching. Here, he gradates from Thankless Role to Hyperbolically Earnest Bit Part. Progress!

Yes, The Night Before is funny. It isn’t funny in quite as explosive a way as last year’s Neighbors, but it isn’t trying to be. Jonathan Levine has confirmed that the script largely concerned the film’s dramatic beats, leaving the comedy to the improvisational whimsy of its actors. This leaves the film with a laid back, hang-out quality that’s consistently pleasant but each scene lives and dies on the strength of its various performers.

For example, whenever Seth Rogen, Jillian Bell, Mindy Kaling, or Broad City’s Ilana Glazer are onscreen, they spin even their most tripped out, dubiously conceived moments into comic gold. Gordon-Levitt on the other hand, really nails the dramatic beats despite being a bit slow on the uptake humor-wise. And then there’s Anthony Mackie. He doesn’t give a poor performance by any stretch of the imagination, but he is woefully underserved by a character that leaves him physically stymied.

Take a look. Does any part of him scream “roided up footballer?” Because at best I see “investment banker with a lacrosse habit.”

The Night Before is a wholly modern comedy that actually integrates current slang, technology, and social issues in a way that doesn’t feel like a Cool Dad giving Tumblr a whirl. But it’s also a loving look back at Christmas traditions past that covers cultural touchstones as far flung as Run DMC, Die Hard, and Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. Or maybe it was the Muppet Christmas Carol. Or Mickey’s Christmas Carol. Or Scrooged. Wow, we as a culture really can’t let that one go, can we?

Regardless, we’re dealing with a fun, nostalgic, but forward-looking movie. There ain’t nothing wrong with that. The movie has its share of icy patches, like some obvious foreshadowing, a scatterbrained plot, and an absurd level of focus on a minor character that hardly works at all, but you know what you’re getting when you sit down to one of these movies and it certainly delivers.

Its comedy is low key, but it still packs two of the best cameos of the year and a genuinely side-splitting dinner table scene that I’ll be quoting non-stop for the next, oh, several dozen years. Likewise, its drama is routine and predictable but can wring your tear ducts dry if you’re not too careful.

In other words, The Night Before is a nice movie. It’s a none-too-challenging, safely R-rated holiday treat that just wants you to have a good time. It knows it can’t compete with the classics like A Christmas Story, It’s a Wonderful Life, or Silent Night, Deadly Night III: Better Watch Out! (you know… for some people), so it doesn’t try. It won’t be in my annual holiday rotation, but I sure am glad I watched it.

TL:DR: The Night Before is a pleasant, predictable, but funny bro comedy.

Rating: 7/10

Word Count: 906

Popcorn Kernels: We're Five College Students On Our Way To An Old Abandoned Cabin In The Woods

For this round of mini reviews, let’s get back to basics by trekking to a secluded area where there’s no cell phone reception. It’ll be just like the olden days! I hope our car doesn’t break down.

The Cabin in the Woods

Year: 2012
Director: Drew Goddard
Cast: Kristen Connolly, Chris Hemsworth, Anna Hutchison
Run Time: 1 hour 35 minutes
MPAA Rating: R

For our podcast episode, featuring an in depth review of Cabin in the Woods, click here.

Five college students vacation in a secluded cabin where they are beset by a zombie redneck torture family.

The Cabin in the Woods does for cabin in the woods movies what Scream did for slashers, although it flips the script. Where Scream was funny because the hip 90’s teens were aware they were in a horror flick, the bronzed babes of Cabin in the Woods are funny because they have no idea they’re in the middle of a movie. If you’re not into midway spoilers, here’s where you jump ship. You see, the horror movie scenario is being manipulated by office workers intent on making sure everybody but the virgin perishes.

The humor comes from the absurdly casual manner that these men and women orchestrate teen destruction as if it were a pencil pushing day job. Unfortunately, though the teens are entertaining thanks to a snappy script co-written by Buffymeister Joss Whedon, this renders the actual horror story pretty rote and pointless. Every time we return to our campers (including a pre-Thor Chris Hemsworth sporting the best hair of his career), the sparkle fades somewhat until we can return to what really drives the narrative.

However, a dimmer glimmer is still a glimmer, and Cabin in the Woods never stops being a fun tromp through the flattened brush of the horror genre. It’s far more comedy than horror, but a few atmospheric scenes do send a tingle down the spine. But where the movie really triumphs is in neither scares nor laughs, but rather sheer cleverness. The construction of the film is so elaborately detailed that it’s hard not to just sit back and marvel at its postmodern perfection.

This is one film that certainly demands a second viewing, because the flavor of the first half changes tremendously given the context of the finale. In essence, The Cabin in the Woods is two different films, with more subtleties emerging from the woodwork upon rewatch. And depending on how much moral fiber is in your diet, you might just switch sides. In a way, CitW is like a football game or a Twitter feud, with equal fun derived from rooting for either team.

I do wish the zombified antagonists were a little ore interesting and the deaths a little less indifferent ,but these complaints are heartily addressed (and then some) by a gonzo finale. It’s just plain an exuberantly fun movie, no two ways about it. While I’m certainly a little perturbed by the movie’s eagerness to indict horror viewers for not abhorring the violence of the genre, it’s nevertheless an infinitely witty twist on the genre that pushes meta horror to the next level. I’ve vacationed in this cabin many times before and I wouldn’t hesitate to do it again.

Rating: 8/10

Cabin Fever

Year: 2003
Director: Eli Roth
Cast: Jordan Ladd, Rider Strong, James DeBello
Run Time: 1 hour 33 minutes
MPAA Rating: R

Five college students vacation in a secluded cabin where they are beset by a nasty flesh-eating virus.

I genuinely liked this movie for about five minutes, which is a pretty decent record for an Eli Roth picture. The characters seemed vulgar but kind, the humor was licentious but fun, and the zany atmosphere was settling in nicely. Then Eli Roth remembered who he was and the whole thing went straight to hell in a severed hand basket.

Above all else, Roth has a talent for writing venomously irritating douchebags, a skill he displays right from the get-go. Once you have a chance to get to know them, the characters populating Cabin Fever are downright nauseating. Their already trite dialogue (“safe sex” is a quip that wouldn’t pass muster in a Leprechaun movie, a franchise that had two straight entries that took place “in da hood.” And those were the better ones!) quickly runs out of steam, mutating into a sick competition to see who can pointlessly shout the F-word more times. It’s not a script so much as a laundry list of groundless obscenities. Not a single conversation can go by without somebody bursting into a rage and calling somebody a slut, whether they’re talking about killing a man or debating their favorite beer brands.

Look, I’m no Puritan about language. I’ve seen The Big Lebowski, I can handle a little cursing. Hell, that film is a monument to the four-letter word. But there comes a point when the cussing drowns out the script, the result of an amateur director looking to shock but never really understanding why. It’s like a smoke alarm that needs new batteries, dutifully shrieking with brainless devotion. Instead of being fun, it’s just immensely frustrating. When your viewers only continue watching because they’ve succumbed to exhaustion and no longer have the energy to reach the remote, you’ve got a problematic film on your hands.

A lot of the film’s failures can be chalked up to a first-time filmmaker. Abrupt fade-outs and jarring edits suggest that the coverage wasn’t quite what he wanted it to be, and the slapdash experimentation with color and alternative POVs show a Raimi-esque ambition but none of that master’s innate flair for the macabre. In fact, Cabin Fever is largely composed of material regurgitated from other classic films like The Last House on the Left and The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, with a sizable dollop of Friday the 13th. This kind of construction is typical for a neophyte, but the personality sprinkled atop that amateur framework is one that will haunt Roth throughout his career.

No matter how far you run, you always bring yourself along for the ride, and that’s why Cabin Fever’s major flaws are just as unforgivable as those that riddle Roth’s films a decade down the line. He might get more experienced, but he’s still stuck with himself. Because, wonky construction aside, this movie really just isn’t very good at all, which is a shame considering its truly solid potential.

Unbearable characters with microscopic motivations (including a cop who must get a dollar for every time he says the word “party”) rattle around a pinball machine of effective but hardly revolutionary gore (the standard tune of my Roth reviews, or so it seems), plus Roth himself steps in with what is unequivocally the most grating, soul-suckingly unfunny cameo in the history of cinema. Armed with a soul patch and a sub-par Zoolander impression, he stabs the movie in the heart and leaves it to die.

The one bright beacon of hope in this incessantly boorish film is the convenience store, the location of the film’s two best scenes, as well as its most haphazardly iconic. Here, largely thanks to the unforgettable, breathy performance from ingenious unknown Robert Harris, the film’s intention shines brightest and it briefly becomes the palatable, silly horror venture it constantly wishes it could be. Cabin Fever is a major disappointment, but these scenes prevent it from being utterly contemptible, which Ii admittedly rare with this particular director.

Rating: 5/10
Word Count: 1242

Movin' Right Along

Year: 1981

Director: Jim Henson

Cast: Jim Henson, Frank Oz, Dave Goelz

Run Time: 1 hour 35 minutes

MPAA Rating: G

The second stop on our tour of theatrical Muppet features is The Great Muppet Caper, which elbowed its way into theaters in 1981 amid the greatest slasher boom of the 20th century. It actually debuted on the same day as Road Games, sandwiched right on in between Final Exam and Student Bodies as a family friendly alternative toall those psychopathic murder sprees. Film history is weird.

The feature film follow-up to The Muppet Movie two years earlier, The Great Muppet Caper debuted after The Muppet Show finally closed its doors. It netted almost twice the budget of its predecessor, carving a new path for the future of Jim Henson’s Muppets. And who better to direct this next chapter than Henson himself? Taking over from the anonymous James Frawley, his work would be much more idiosyncratic, though perhaps not quite so coherent.

I’m just saying, maybe the guy who invented these guys didn’t have his head screwed on totally straight.

In The Great Muppet Caper, Kermit the Frog (Jim Henson) and Fozzie Bear (Frank Oz) are twin brother reporters and Gonzo (Dave Goelz) is their intrepid cameraman. In order to save their jobs, they travel to England to investigate the theft of Lady Holiday’s (Bond girl Diana Rigg) diamonds. Kermit mistakes secretary Miss Piggy (Frank Oz) for Lady Holiday and they fall in love, because apparently their romance is going to respawn every time like it got blown up in Call of Duty. Lucky us.

When Miss Piggy is framed for the theft, Kermit and the others team up to catch the real criminal, the Lady’s brother Nicky (Charles Grodin) before he and his team of models steal the Baseball Diamond from the Mallory Gallery.

Yes, this movie was made for children, why do you ask?

Summing up The Great Muppet Caper is a thorny task. The ways in which it improves on the uneven, vignette-driven Muppet Movie are almost exactly equal to the ways it utterly fails to match up to the giddy, warm-hearted heights of that film. Let’s open with some positive remarks, because I don’t want you to go around thinking there’s a bad Muppet movie floating around out there somewhere.

First off, this film marries its Muppetian antics to a wonderfully intelligible plot. With actual conflict, story beats, and a recognizable three-act structure, Caper is driven by an intentionality that The Muppet Movie totally lacked. Second, Henson has an eye for composition that isn’t exactly Wellesian, but certainly outpaces Frawley’s frantic fumbling without breaking a sweat. My single favorite visual moment is when a lurking model drifts behind a mirrored pillar, drawing attention to another model across the room and creating the uncanny sense of being surrounded. His use of the camera in his storytelling is simple, but nevertheless whimsical and fun.

But you know what this movie doesn’t have? “Rainbow Connection.” The score is overloaded with original compositions, but none have the sweet resonance of Kermit’s swamp serenade, or even Gonzo’s terrifically earnest “I’m Going to Go Back There Someday.” The opening song “Hey a Movie!” captures some of the exuberant joy of creating entertainment and boasts a dazzling, intricately choreographed display on a city street utilizing dozens of dancers and even moving cars, but most of the other tracks (of which there are a staggering profusion) call to mind that dreaded word… Filler.

A word that instantly strikes fear into the heart of any devoted completist.

I really get the sense that The Great Muppet Caper was written after the songs were composed, because the story does some truly impressive Linda Blair contortions to shoehorn in production numbers. The entire second act feels like a prime time TV show with too many commercial breaks. Whenever we get an inch of plot, a mile of singing quickly unravels after it.

The actual conflict doesn’t kick in until about an hour into the movie, because of the film’s uncanny dedication to lushly staged but frustratingly pointless numbers like “Piggy’s Fantasy” (a lavish pool sequence that calls to mind Gentlemen Prefer Blondes) or “Night Life” (a wordless, tedious New Wave noodle that drags like a dead body – Electric Mayhem strikes again). By the time the meandering “Couldn’t We Ride” interrupts one of the longest sustained plot points (about a minute and a half, by my count), you begin to wonder if this movie dearly wants to punish viewers who have a less than thorough knowledge of Busby Berkeley. I mean, I like musicals, but this is like banging your head into a piano.

The unsuitably boring middle third of the film is also marred by what can only be described as a scathingly awful performance from Mssr. Charles Grodin, who certainly can act but even more certainly does no such thing here. If he was shooting for “unfathomably drunk,” he undeniably succeeded, but his unmotivated dialogue is exacerbated by the sense that he doesn’t seem to know what room he’s in half the time.

Sorry, dude. Love the sideburns.

But take every negative feeling generated by that section of the movie and flip it the hell around, because the first and third acts feature the madcap Muppets at their finest. From the adorable, fourth wall shattering opening credits to the litany of jovial jokes (which aren’t quite as dopey as The Muppet Movie, but just as silly and vaudevillian), The Great Muppet Caper is a very lovable, extremely fun watch for the young, the old, and the furry.

Utilizing its gargantuan budget (methinks the lady’s diamonds might have been stolen to fund this movie), Caper performs incredible feats of visual splendor that the Muppets were wholly incapable of pulling off before. The opening number and the closing heist thrum with vibrant creativity that plays with the darkness of the crime genre in a safe, effortlessly exuberant environment. 

For all that I kind of despise a good third of The Great Muppet Caper, everything else is a more than suitable ointment for my pain. These are still the Muppets, and they still put on a good show. It’s their job and they do it well. With Henson at the wheel, they brim with cheery sentiment and unforgettable charm that goes an extremely long way.

TL;DR: The Great Muppet Caper is an effervescent family comedy that suffers from an extremely bloated second act.

Rating: 6/10

Word Count: 1078
Reviews In This Series
The Muppet Movie (Frawley, 1979)
The Great Muppet Caper (Henson, 1981)
The Muppets Take Manhattan (Oz, 1984)
The Muppet Christmas Carol (Henson, 1992)
Muppet Treasure Island (Henson, 1996)
Muppets from Space (Hill, 1999)
The Muppets (Bobin, 2011)
Muppets Most Wanted (Bobin, 2014)