Happy 900th!

I recently reached a major movie milestone! Yesterday's screening of Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones marked my 900th film. Not counting repeat viewings, I have seen 900 movies since my birth in 1994. Taken as a whole, that would be one movie a week for 17.3 years. So, basically, my entire conscious life. Plus repeats.

When I was deciding how best to celebrate this important step in my moviegoing experience, I thought back on the historical importance of the number nine, which brought me to the idea of the nine Greek Muses because I'm a pretentious douchebag.

Sitting through 900 movies means sifting through a lot of coal to find the diamonds, so I am in a unique position to be able to recommend some of the best films I've seen so you can avoid all the other ones. The crème de la crap, if you will.

Although my picks aren't necessarily my favorite movies of all time, each of them are important to me for very different reasons and I think they all deserve more recognition than they get. I will organize them according to the specialities of each of the nine muses, because ancient mythology always has a place in modern blogging.

For each muse, I will offer up a sweet and sumptuous bouquet - a delectable movie from their domain of expertise - and the ritual smiting of one the terrible films that besmirch their names.

(This blog is very briefly NSFW but only because them ancient artists didn't believe in bras. If anyone asks, just tell them you're being classy.)

Calliope, The Muse of Epic Poetry

Calliope was supposedly the muse for Homer while he was creating The Iliad and The Odyssey. The wisest of the Muses, she was also the most assertive and is typically depicted with a gold crown and carrying a book.

Our offering to Calliope is an epic fantasy: Spirited Away

Hayao Miyazaki is one of the rare directors who knocks it out of the park a good 100% of the time and Spirited Away is one of the best films in his vast Studio Ghibli repertoire. A beautiful and deep (and dark) children's fantasy, the story of young Chihiro's entrapment in the spirit world has captivated audiences across the world - truly a triumph of animation and fantasy world building.

In Calliope's honor we will be burning: The Last Airbender

Exactly the opposite of Spirited Away in every way imaginable. Live action, a dull slog, and an ungrateful uninteresting turd that poops all over the source material. Burn it and burn the ashes.

Clio, The Muse of History

Known as "The Proclaimer," Clio is typically depicted with a scroll of parchment or a set of tablets. Mother of Hymenaeus (the god of marriage ceremonies), she is also typically linked with the poet Linus.

Our offering to Clio is a documentary: King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters

A documentary that follows a guy trying to get the high score on Donkey Kong? Count me out!

Actually, King of Kong has a lot more beneath the surface and, unironically, it's a story of human growth and triumph wrapped in the totally peculiar setting of arcade competition.

In Clio's honor we will be burning: The Act of Killing

Perhaps not the worst documentary that has ever existed, but the sheer amount of hype it has been getting as a tragic display have driven me over the edge. The Act of Killing promises a hard-hitting and sharply interesting concept (having the perpetrators of the Indonesian genocide produce and star in a film about their exploits) but squanders it with a jumbled mess of footage with no internal connection. The problem is, it could have been so much better than it is in the current state. I just hate to see all the effort go to waste.

Erato, The Muse of Erotic Poetry

Typically depicted with a lyre, Erato is the most aesthetically pleasing of the muses. She has been invoked by Strabo, Virgil, and even Plato.

Our offering to Erato is a romance: Breathless

Jean-Luc Godard's New Wave masterpiece is a philosophical and filmmaking gold standard. Godard breaks all the ironclad rules of Hollywood filmmaking (including the idea that you need to have a plot) for a uniquely European romance between an American papergirl and a French criminal. I normally can't stand this kind of stuff, but Breathless has a spark of some otherworldly and sensuous quality that sends it above and beyond anything I've ever seen.

In Erato's honor we will be burning: One Day

Another waste of a cool concept - visiting the stories of a couple on a single day (July 15th) throughout the years to see where their lives have taken them. And where it has taken them is a flaccid romance with a tangled plot and a totally bonkers ending.

Euterpe, The Muse of Lyric Poetry

Called the "giver of delight," Euterpe is said to have mother Rhesus, King of Thrace and in some mythologies is credited with the invention of the flute. She is most closely associated with the Poet Pindar.

Our offering to Euterpe is a drama: Dead Again

Emma Thompson and Kenneth Branagh play reincarnated lovers in this murder mystery drama that effortlessly slips between paranormal and realistic registers while deftly combining film noir and horror elements in a fabulous cocktail of pure class and energy.

In Euterpe's honor we will be burning: Aguierre, The Wrath of God

I know, I know. Werner Herzog is a genius, this film depicting one man's descent into madness on the Amazon river is a masterpiece of literal filmmaking. It's also hella boring. It's films like these that make me regret my decision to become a film major. This is the film which one of my classmates praised for being tedious because it "mirrored what the characters were feeling." Whoop dee doo, I'm still not buying it.

Melpomene, The Muse of Tragedy

Easily the coolest of the nine Muses, Melpomene is typically depicted in the black boots of tragic actors and carrying a knife or club. She was invoked by Horace for his Odes.

Our offering to Melpomene is a tearjerker: Toy Story 3

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT HERE.

In Melpomene's honor we will be burning: Romeo + Juliet

AKA the movie everybody had to watch in freshman year. Baz Luhrmann would eventually make a career out of anachronisms, but his early work in Romeo + Juliet is too far on the hypnotically kaleidoscopically frenzied side of the things. It's an absolute incoherent mess and I couldn't force myself to even sit through the entire thing to the end.

Polyhymnia, The Muse of Song

Typically dressed in a long cloak and veil, Polyhymnia is pensive and serious, as a muse of the ancient hymns might tend to be. She appears in Dante's Divine Comedy.

Our offering to Polyhymnia is a musical: Were the World Mine

We're talking about a gay movie in which the protagonist learns to accept straight people for who they are along with teaching them tolerance. That is an utterly groundbreaking concept for LGBT filmmaking and the fact that this is an ethereally beautiful musical based on Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream is just gorgeous icing on the cake.

In Polyhymnia's honor we will be burning: Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band

The BeeGees and Peter Frampton in a Beatles jukebox musical. What could go wrong? 

Everything. Everything. When the producers realized none of the four men could act, they just didn't give them lines. Watching PF&tBGs essentially mime a 90 minute movie while a never-ending parade of embarrassing celebrity cameos slides by (including Steve Martin in an early role, Alice Cooper, and Aerosmith) and excruciatingly on the nose Beatles interpretations play in the background is utter torment. This is the film they play in the multiplexes in the seventh circle of hell.

Terpsichore, The Muse of Dance

The most engaged muse, Terpsichore is typically depicted holding a lyre to accompany the dancers' choirs. A later medieval invention within her jurisdiction was the Danse Macabre, or the Dance of Death.

(I had to fit this in somewhere) Our offering to Terpsichore is a horror film: The Devil's Backbone

Guillermo del Toro's "little brother" film to his dark fantasy masterpiece Pan's Labyrinth is a terrific film in its own right. In the middle of the Spanish Civil War, the ghost of a young boy haunts the halfway home where he died. It's terrifying, poignant, and deeply symbolic of a nation torn apart.

In Terpsichore's honor we will be burning: Zombie Diaries 2

Any movie that has an eight minute long rape scene that we're obviously expected to enjoy deserves to be melted down. It honestly has more use as a cloud of noxious gas than as a film.

Thalia, The Muse of Comedy

Thalia, the mother of the Korybantes dancers, is usually depicted carrying a comedy mask as a counterpart to Melpomene's usual accessory.

Our offering to Thalia is a comedy: A Fish Called Wanda

Jamie Lee Curtis is the world's most underrated superstar. Make all the Activia jokes you want, but this woman can do it all. Playing a sleazy con woman opposite John Cleese's uptight barrister, she owns the camera and sparkles bright in a film packed to the gills (geddit?) with great comic actors and moments.

In Thalia's honor we will be burning: You Don't Mess With the Zohan

The only movie that has ever caused me physical pain to watch. I don't want to talk about it.

Urania, The Muse of Astronomy

The eldest of her sisters, Urania inherited Zeus' majesty and power and the titans Mnemosyne's beauty and grace. She's also the great granddaughter of Uranus (insert Beavis and Butthead laugh here).

Our offering to Urania is a science fiction film: Gravity

OK, maybe this one has gotten more than enough recognition already. But it's still far and away the best sci-fi movie I've ever seen.

In Urania's honor we will be burning: Dark Star

This space comedy directed by John Carpenter and written by Dan O'Bannon (the writer of Alien) contains traces of their future illustrious careers and a couple truly hilarious scenes - the monster attacking the spaceship is a beach ball with legs - but everything in between them is sheer and utter excrement. It failed to garner an audience largely due to being the most boring thing ever committed to celluloid.

So there you have it. Thank you for celebrating my 900th Anniversary, it means the world to me that you've come this far with Popcorn Culture. It's kept me sane in a time of great turmoil and writing is a fantastic outlet for this creative buildup I have going on behind the dam walls of my skull.

Peace out!

Word Count: 1803

Everything You Know Is Wrong

As somebody in my line of work, I spend a lot of time reading, writing, and thinking about horror movies. I've spent so much time around them that even some of the most obscure bits of trivia seem like blisteringly obvious facts to me.

"Of course Stuart Gordon didn't direct The Howling, that's the film that inspired him to make Re-Animator, duh!"

But skewed as I am, there are a few ideas people have about my favorite genre that are both unshakeable and completely incorrect. It's weird how pop culture does this - it can be everywhere, the talk of every dinner table, but people can have totally incorrect cultural memories.

You know Darth Vader doesn't actually say "Luke... I am your father."? Yeah, neither does anybody you ask on the street and you know they've all seen Star Wars. These things happen and there's no earthly explanation.

I said no earthly explanation.

So sometimes people remember even super obvious things incorrectly despite hard evidence to the contrary. Thanks to my area of expertise, I see now that it is my destiny to return order to the community, at least horror-wise, and correct some of the more persistent myths. 

Now I know some of these are based on a lot of technicality, but suck it up, I wanted an even ten. Here goes nothing...

Ten Common Horror Misconceptions Debunked

MYTH #1: Frankenstein Terrorizes The Villagers

We'll start with an easy one. Most of us have learned at this point that the hideous creation portrayed by Boris Karloff is Frankenstein's Monster. Frankenstein is merely the man that created him. Nevertheless, this won't stop the world (including myself sometimes) from calling him Frankenstein. Even movie titles got in on the fun eventually.

How exciting! I can't wait to watch this classic comedy duo converse with the famed Baron.

Although it's perhaps an incurable one at this point, it's still wrong. We're all wrong. I'm sorry. That's just the way life is sometimes.

MYTH #2: Freddy Krueger Is Funny

OK, OK, OK. Freddy is a hilarious prankster. He spouts off puns as he kills teens by slamming them into TVs, turning them into living cartoons or video games, and other silly crap like that. But did you know that didn't actually start until A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors?

For the first two films, the Kruegster was still a menacing presence. Sure, he took unusual delight in his craft but it was with the wicked sneer of a cat playing with its mouse, not the merry chuckle of a court jester. And in the second one, he was just a little gay, not actively funny.

If you think this is funny, you have a much weirder sense of humor than I do. Text me.

Some people find the original Nightmare unscary because all the 80's stuff is a little cheesy, but that doesn't mean it's humor. At least any more than legwarmers and jelly bracelets.

MYTH #3: That "Cabin In The Woods" Stuff Is Such A Cliché

God, I know, right? Those partying teens have really got to pick a better spot for their vacations. It was the entire premise Joss Whedon's great The Cabin in the Woods and the subject of a long conversation in the also great Dead Snow. But let's take a step back.

In Dead Snow a character asks how many movies are set in a cabin in the woods and the resident horror nerd starts rattling off "Evil Dead, Friday the 13th, April Fool's Day..." But hold the phone. Friday the 13th takes place at a summer camp. And April Fool's Day is a mansion on an island.

That seems a little weird. Wouldn't it be better just to use other cabin movies so people couldn't do a quick Google search and disprove the dialogue? I mean, Bloody Disgusting has a whole Top Ten list of... No, wait. That list includes an RV in the Desert movie, a Tent in the Woods, three Summer Camp movies, the aforementioned satires Cabin in the Woods and Dead Snow, and a movie that isn't even horror at all.

Basically it's just the Evil Dead trilogy and not much else.

But wait, there's more!

What's this? Only two of those movies actually take place in a cabin? Aw, screw it.

MYTH #4: The Texas Chain Saw Massacre Is A Gory Bloodbath

Come on! It's right there in the title! A girl gets hung on a meathook, a wheelchair kid is disemboweled, not to mention there's an entire house furnished with body parts.

It's all pretty intense. So intense, in fact, that everyone was too busy cringing and squinting their eyes to notice that there's scarcely even a drop of blood in the entire film. Sure, there's a hitchhiker that cuts his hand and some miscellaneous spatter on the Final Girl, but that's about it. The rest is all implication.

Tobe Hooper has such mastery of the cinematic form that TCM is so brutal and nihilistic that you feel like it's gory and disgusting. But the fact remains that this was a low budget movie and stage blood is just another expense. Leatherface isn't made of gold.

Well, he wasn't at that point.

This scene was basically their entire blood budget.

This doesn't mean you should't watch Texas Chainsaw. No not at all. It's a superb movie that beats at your nerves like a cannibalistic manbeast with a meat tenderizer. Just don't expect too much of the red red krovvy to satisfy your appetite.

MYTH #5: Night of the Living Dead Is A Zombie Movie

OK, this one is a little technical. But think about it. George Romero's seminal classic came out in 1968 and started the zombie movement, leading all the way to today's Walking Dead. So why did Romero call his flesh-eating revenants "ghouls?"

Because the zombie title was already taken, yo.

All the zombie films before NotLD were based on the voodoo idea of reanimated corpses that were servants to the priestess. They didn't eat flesh, they didn't turn unsuspecting victims into them. They just did junk that their mistress ordered them to do, including such horrific acts as *gasp* tending the fields.

Zombies before Romero. Pretty dull.

So be careful when you're renting a zombie film made before the 70's. Unless you need a good nap, that is.

MYTH #6: The Blair Witch Project Is The First Found Footage Horror Film

[REC], Quarantine, Paranormal Activity, Cloverfield. None of these films could have existed without the low budget innovation of The Blair Witch Project. That film ate up the media with the conceit that three documentary filmmakers vanished in the woods and left their tapes behind. Most of the audience had no idea the footage wasn't real, which made it all the more terrifying.

What they didn't know is that, in 1980, a gory little Italian film about a documentary crew's retrieved footage of an excursion to the Amazon was disgusting Europeans everywhere. That's right. Cannibal Holocaust came out a full 19 years before Blair Witch, but was deemed too immoral and distasteful to deserve the proper title of Papa Found Footage.

Providing a strong counterargument to the idea that cannibal films always hit it big at the box office.

It makes sense that nobody remembers it. It wasn't a hit anywhere but in cult cinemas. But still. First.

MYTH #7: Remakes Suck

Ah, the rallying cry of horror fans of the Millennium. And it's not far from the truth. One look at the odious Nightmare, Prom Night, and Halloween reboots would tell you as much.

But remakes have long been a thriving part of the horror community, updating old but resonant ideas with the changing times. If there was a button that could erase all remakes from the world, few horror fans would hesitate to press it. But doing so would rid the world of John Carpenter's The Thing and David Cronenberg's The Fly. The Blob would vanish in a puff of smoke.

The Hammer remakes of classic Universal monsters would be gone, destroying the careers of genre A-listers Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee. Jekyll and Hyde. The Ring. The Grudge. All gone.

And did you know Wes Craven's The Last House on the Left was essentially a remake of an Ingmar Bergman film called The Virgin Spring?

Ah, yes. I see the resemblance.

And not even all remakes of the past decade are terrible. The Wizard of Gore was unsteady but unspooled a marvelously modern and convoluted story from a pretty tedious Herschell Gordon Lewis gore flick. Fright Night and Evil Dead were pretty great. And I have it on good authority that Black Christmas, Texas Chainsaw, House of Wax, and The Hills Have Eyes aren't too shabby either. So for every One Missed Call (a bland and thoughtless affair) you get a Sorority Row (a lovingly cheesy splatter picture with Bruce Willis' daughter) and that's alright with me.

MYTH #8: Jason Voorhees Terrorizes Crystal Lake Counselors In A Hockey Mask

What am I talking about? This is the plot of every single one of them, right?

...You know where I'm going with this. Let's take a look: As of today, there's 12 Friday the 13th films, counting the remake and Freddy vs. Jason. FvJ, Part V, Part VIII, Jason Goes to Hell, and Jason X don't even take place at Crystal Lake so they're all out - there's no counselors anywhere to be found anyway.

So that narrows us down to 7. Only three of which feature counselors as victims: the original, Part 2, and Part VI. And as we should all know by now, Jason's mother is the killer in the first one so that one's gone. And Part VI takes place at the newly renamed Camp Forest Green which is a technicality, but hey. No Crystal Lake.

So that just leaves us with Part 2. Jason mows down a crop of camp counselors! Surely that counts for something in the saga of this hockey masked buffoon!

Hockey... Wha?

That's Baghead Jason up there. The killer from Part 2. Everything is a lie. All of it.

MYTH #9: Drew Barrymore Is The First Victim In Scream

No! That has to be right! I've seen that movie twenty gosh darn times!

I'm sorry. That's the wrong answer.

Although she dies in the first scene of the film, her boyfriend Steve is eviscerated in front of her before she bites the dust.

Poor kid only got one word out before he kicked it.

Now you have some great info to pull out on some unsuspecting competitors next Halloween on Trivia Night. Or, you know, if a playful madman calls you.

MYTH #10: Escape From Tomorrow Looks Like It Could Be Cool

It's not. Don't go see it. Thank me later.

Word Count: 1804

Census Bloodbath: Climb Aboard The Murder Train

For the crossover review of this film over at Kinemalogue, click here.

For our podcast episode about this film, click here.

Year: 1980

Director: Roger Spottiswoode

Cast: Jamie Lee Curtis, Derek MacKinnon, Ben Johnson

Run Time: 1 hour 37 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

You didn't think I would kick off 2014 with just one 1980 slasher set on New Year's Eve, did you? (Seriously, what is it with these things?) Terror Train, an early slasher that came out a solid two months before New Year's Evil, is everything that film is not. Namely - Canadian.

It has been a long-standing belief held by the horror community at large that Canadian slashers are just magically better than their American counterparts. Happy Birthday to Me, Prom Night, Visiting Hours, Black Christmas, My Bloody Valentine... All Canadian, all viewed as classics of the form by one group or another.

Terror Train has mostly been forgotten by all but a select few, but for those who make the journey, it is a true delight. Starring Jamie Lee Curtis in her second Canadian slasher of the year (the first being Paul Lynch's Prom Night), her presence alone is enough to boost this flick to the upper tier.

And though her presence is a great gift, Terror Train is good enough that it could have almost survived without her. But as it is, she is here - a great anchor to a pretty terrific slasher.

The film is worth it for the opening titles alone.

It's New Year's Eve and the brothers of Sigma Phi have planned the prank of the year - at their bonfire, resident virgin and Mick Jagger lookalike Kenny (Derek MacKinnon) is going to be lured into a room by the prospect of getting it on with Alana Maxwell (Jamie Lee Curtis). Although she is reluctant, she goes along with it and Kenny is tricked into kissing the corpse of a dead woman one of the med students lifted from the morgue.

He should have known that nobody in a slasher movie gets to have sex with Jamie Lee. She's the Final Girl, for crying out loud. This is sacred business.

Whaddya know but things went terribly wrong and Kenny was committed to the local hospital.

Cut to three years later as the frat sets off on yet another New Year's Eve party, this time a masquerade (dun dun dun) on a train. I hope they know where the train is going cuz I sure as hell don't. We Meet the Meat in a whirling jumble of shouting and as such, have no idea what anybody's name is until about the time that they die. But I, your ever dutiful scribe, have compiled a comprehensive list here.

There's Mitchy (Sandee Currie, also of Curtains and no other film outside of the 80's), Alana's best friend who's sore about her graduating early but supportive of her success; Doc (Hart Bochner), Mitchy's douchey prankster boyfriend and the man behind the scheme that destroyed Kenny; Mo (Timothy Webber), Doc's best friend and Alana's boyfriend who convinced her to come under false pretenses despite her immense hatred of Doc and the frat boys. Their endless combinations and interactions fuel the first third of the plot and are surprisingly compelling as a narrative, not just filler between the death scenes.

Also on board are Pet (Joy Boushel of the Labor Day-themed Canadian production Humongous), a skanky blonde whose terrible costume is just giant pants pulled all the way up to her shoulders; Jackson (Anthony Sherwood), the token black fellow; the Conductor (Ben Johnson) who likes to cockblock with card tricks; and Ken the Magician (the David Copperfield), the hired entertainment. Oh and Ed (Howard Busgang), the merry prankster who never actually makes it on board due to that pesky saber in his gut, the poor bastard.

At least he got to wear this cool mask before he kicked it.

And off we go! The first half hour or so is a whirl of college partying, parlor magic tricks (at the hands of at least three characters), and that old slasher standby - impressions. Was this an 80's thing that I don't understand or did every slasher writer have recurring nightmares about Saturday Night Live?

It's fairly demure and bloodless, so for a while the whole thing seems like a bust. I mean, come on, raising a knife and cutting away might have worked in the 60's, but you gotta keep up with the times, man!

However, once Mitchy dies (spoilers? no.), the gloves come off. It doesn't get more gory, but Terror Train pulls out all the stops and becomes a secretly pretty great murder mystery thriller. The setup is brilliant - having the movie on the train means it's chock full of cramped, sinewy, and ill-lit corridors. Not to mention isolation is built into the scenario.

It's a terminally cheesy slasher, but once the tension kicks in a sense of overwhelming dread inhabits the film. In fact, it's one of the only slasher films to be genuinely scary - to any degree - without resorting to cheap jump frights.

Nope. Nothing wrong here.

And the twist. The twist. I would be a loathsome heathen if I were to reveal it here (nope, not even in white text - mum's the word), but it's a brilliant little thing. At once absolutely obvious and completely mind-boggling. It's exactly what you expected but from such a totally confounding direction that it leaves you completely blindsided.

Not to talk it up. I don't want anyone to go in with expectations. Maybe it sucks. Maybe it doesn't exist. Who knows?

Phew. Got outta that one.

Terror Train has a lot going for it. The killer displays a sense of humor rarely seen in the usual crew of silent murder machines and Jamie Lee Curtis always has wattage as a star. She commands the camera from the very first second she's onscreen - buried in the middle of a crowd shot.

This film is a great one-off that I'm glad stands alone, one solid glittering structure among the teetering and mouldering franchises. Although I would pay good money to see Terror Train IV: The Little Engine That Could... KILL.

This time, he's really steamed!

Killer: Kenny Hampson (Derek MacKinnon)

Final Girl: Alana Maxwell (Jamie Lee Curtis)

Best Kill: You know those boxes magicians use when they pretend to stab swords into people? Well this time it's not pretend.

Sign of the Times: No 2013 teenager would be so pumped to ride a train, believe you me.

Scariest Moment: Alana is trapped in a caged area while the killer stabs through the grate with an iron pole.

Weirdest Moment: The conductor dances in the train office while a woman in a wheelchair rolls from side to side.

Champion Dialogue: "I never saw anybody so dead as that."

Body Count: 11; including the killer.

1. Ed is impaled by a saber and pushed under a train.
2. Jackson's head is slammed into a mirror.
3. Mitchy is strangled offscreen.
4. Mo is stabbed during a blackout.
5. Walter the Engineer suffers a head wound.
6. Shovels the Locomotive Fireman dies offscreen. 
7. Doc is decapitated offscreen.
8. Donnly gets a sword in the stomach.
9. Ken the Magician is impaled inside his own box of swords.
10. Charley is killed offscreen.
11. Kenny is hit with a shovel and knocked into the icy river. 

TL;DR: Terror Train doesn't have much in the way of gore, but what it does have is a taut thriller with Jamie Lee Curtis, so what does blood matter?

Rating: 8/10

Word Count: 1232

Census Bloodbath: December Thirty Worst

Year: 1980
Director: Emmett Alston
Cast: Roz Kelly, Kip Niven, Chris Wallace
Run Time: 1 hour 30 minutes
MPAA Rating: R

It is only fitting that New Year's Evil should be my first Census Bloodbath post of a long, hopefully slasher-filled year. I hope everybody is settling nicely into 2014 content in the fact that there's a bright shining ocean of opportunity ahead of us and that we haven't just been stabbed repeatedly with a switchblade.

New Year's Evil, one of the very first holiday themed slasher films (to my knowledge, it was only preceded by Christmas Evil a month before and To All A Good Night in January 1980. And of course Halloween in 1978 and Black Christmas in 1974. Neither of which really had much to do with the holidays they took place on.), has the unique advantage and disadvantage of being released in 1980.

This was the year the slasher was born, so the slice-n'-dice films that came out this year weren't beholden to the sort of rigid structure slashers of a couple years down the line pretty much had to adhere to. This is a great benefit in the sense that they're allowed to break the rules. Considering that the rules were still in the process of being invented, this was a pretty easy thing to do.

The problem is that these films were all trying to be something they patently weren't - good films. Or at least passable ones. By 1981, studios had it all figured out. They were trying to be Friday the 13th. But the flicks produced in this period didn't have that template to draw from and as such didn't lean back on great gore effects to support their flimsy narratives.

They tried to let the narratives speak for themselves like they were John Carpenter or some BS and that is not OK. Unless, of course, you're John Carpenter. But very few people are.

A quick experiment. Look at this picture. Then look at a mirror. Do they match? No? Then you are probably not John Carpenter.

(By the way, if you happen to be both 1) reading this blog and 2) John Carpenter, I am a huge fan of your work. Thanks for checking this out.)

However, despite a pronounced lack of satisfying gore, many of New Year's Evil's breaks from slasher tradition tend to make it slightly more interesting than a generic film with its same plot could have been. First off - we see the killer's face almost immediately, which is why I don't care about spoilers for this although we don't learn his identity until much later (not that it's not easy to figure out based on an early exchange).

And second - the man actually has social skills. He can speak, he can dance. He competently seduces women before he murders them, something a big lunk like Jason never could pull off. This is a double edged sword because this kind of killer has more in common with the ugly early 1980 slashers like Don't Answer the Phone and Don't Go in the House, but it also serves to make him more realistically threatening.

The man in question is one Richard Sullivan (Kip Niven), a regular looking man who is tormenting his wife Diane (Roz Kelly) as she hosts a massive New Year's Punk/New Wave telecast in Hollywood. And if you thought nothing could be more 80's than the end of that last sentence, check out this picture.

My Rubik's Cube is twitching.

Richard has disguised his voice with some sort of Darth Vader machine and calls the show claiming to be be called "EEeeeEEEevil," and threatening to kill one person every hour as midnight strikes in each time zone until Pacific Standard Time, when he'd come after somebody close to her.

After checking on her estranged son (estranged because she's a dick to him - ignoring his important accomplishments like getting a lead role on Spaceship America, a TV show that I fervently wish was real.) Derek (Grant Cramer in his first role in a career that would lead him to both Killer Klowns From Outer Space and Santa Claws), she calls the cops (one of whom is played by Chris Wallace of Don't Answer the Phone) and they decide that she should keep on trucking with the show until they can keep him on the line long enough to track him.

Pretty standard horror phone call stuff going on there. But the hourly nature of the killings keep NYE from having the typical slasher platter of Meat, instead opting for unconnected victims across Southern California including Jane (Taafe O'Connell), a sexy nurse who looks like Lisa Kudrow; Sally (Louisa Moritz), a vapid meditation enthusiast; and Lisa (Anita Crane in her only film role), her roommate and nervous diarrhea-haver (it's a long story).

Whenever I get nervous, I spontaneously bleed from the neck.

The film trudges along alternating between midnight murder sequences and the show, which is essentially just a music video for a series of ear-splittingly shrill 80's rock groups so terrible that they must have been real. This is all mildly amusing but it doesn't quite get to "so bad it's good" territory (bread and butter for holiday slashers) until the final showdown when Richard has Diane tied to the bottom of an elevator that's about to drop.

"Enjoy your going away party. Get smashed."

Niven is fairly compelling as the face of banal evil and the film has enough breaks from standard slasher material to keep you on your toes, but there's not a lot to New Year's Evil. It's a great film to watch if you want to bathe in the vileness of early 80's fashions and music and it has some pretty exciting editing techniques at infrequent intervals, but for fans of slashers as a form, it's not quite up to the caliber of later pun-filled holiday bonanzas.

I'll never regret sitting through it, but I'm not champing at the bit to watch it again ever in my entire life.

Killer: Richard Sullivan (Kip Niven)
Final Girl: Diane Sullivan aka Blaze (Roz Kelly)
Best Kill: A girl is smothered with a bag of weed.
Sign of the Times: This film takes place largely at a Punk/New Wave concert, so the entire film is smothered in tacky cultural signifiers; Diane's drag queen make-up and cheetah print jacket; Yvonne's shell braids; every member of the audience's everything; it's like a Scissor Sisters concert gone wrong.
Scariest Moment: The ending is actually really good, especially with the implication attached to Honolulu's midnight celebrations.
Weirdest Moment: Every time Richard kills one of his victims, he accidentally leaves a single shoe behind. He's the freaking Cinderella of serial murderers.
Champion Dialogue: "You castrated me. And that is not nice."
Body Count: 7; including the killer - with an implied eighth.

1. A woman is stabbed to death offscreen.
2. A woman is stabbed to death.
3. A woman is suffocated in a bag of marijuana.
4. A woman is stabbed to death.
5. A man is stabbed in the gut.
6. A man falls to his death.
7. A man is killed offscreen. 

TL;DR: New Year's Evil is a so-so slasher movie that benefits and suffers in equal measures from not adhering to formula.
Rating: 6/10
Word Count: 1171

Moving On...

Now that the glow of the new year has receded to a dull roar pounding in the world's collective head, it's time to look forward.

Check out my new post on Write and Sleep for some scary stuff you should be excited for in 2014!
Word Count: 786