Census Bloodbath: The Screams Of Seagulls

Year:
1982
Director:
Nestore Ungaro
Cast:
Prunella Ransome, Jeremy Brett, Nicky Henson
Run Time:
1 hour 42 minutes

Plot: Englishwoman Barbara Carey (Prunella Ransome) leaves her nonspecific job in New Orleans to meet her little sister, blind pianist Mary Ann (Sherry Buchanan of Crawlspace), in Rome, only to find that she disappeared three weeks ago. She teams up with hot 'n horny consulate employee Martin (Nicky Henson) to try and solve the mystery, which brings them to the private island of the rich archaeologist David Malcolm (longtime TV Sherlock Holmes Jeremy Brett), who may or may not be keeping secrets on said island.

But where is Mary Ann? And who is responsible for the dead blind women that keep turning up around the area? David? Lascivious seaman Enzo Lombardi (Gabriele Tinti of The Murder Secret)? David's cousin Carol (Pamela Salem, who played Miss Moneypenny in Never Say Never Again), who obviously has the hots for him? David's creepy henchman Giulio (Vassili Karis)? Or somebody else entirely? Like, say, David's dead son Frederick, who might not be as dead as we previously thought?

Analysis: The provenance of The Secret of Seagull Island is confusing and circuitous, even by the standards of 1980s slashers. The British-Italian co-production started its life as a five-episode 1981 miniseries called Seagull Island, which was eventually cut down to 102 minutes and distributed as a TV movie. It was made by an Italian director of no repute and distributed in a way that necessitated a stricter standard for depicting nudity and violence, which kind of nips the possibility of being a solid giallo right in the bud.

And while the British have contributed many great things to pop culture (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Hammer monster movies, Maggie Smith, this), slashers are probably their second worst contribution to the world after colonialism. They simply never figured out how slashers ticked. 

I suppose it makes sense that a region smack dab in the middle of the Video Nasty panic wasn't going to throw themselves at the subgenre hammer and tongs, but most of the slashers they put out in the 1980s were simply pitiful. The Last Night sucks. Don't Open Till Christmas sucks even harder. Bloodstream could suck a bowling ball through a straw.

Surprisingly, The Secret of Seagull Island doesn't suck. Maybe that's because one thing the British actually understand better than most is how to put horror on television. I couldn't say. But it was actually not an unpleasant sit.

It completely lacks atmosphere, sure, beyond the fact that they invested in an underwater camera and by jove, they were determined to use it. And it's quite slow. I can't imagine what the 115 minutes they cut out could have possibly contained, because the story hardly races by as it is. But the plucky heroine is reasonably compelling, and her chemistry with her male love interest is strong enough to sustain the movie until it can get her to the island and turn up the heat on the melodrama. 

In fact, pretty much all the acting is pretty solid, give or take some severely patchy moments from Jeremy Brett, who briefly turns into a Looney Tunes character from time to time. They bring to life a charmingly tacky story that wears its influences on its sleeve, including the gialli (the killer targeting blind women is an excellent Italian touch) and Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho (minus the transphobia, for once).

It's better to approach it as a solid slow-burn TV mystery (complete with evil hands constantly grasping the corners of buildings and the gratings over windows) rather than a proper slasher - the kills are pretty much a wash, as is to be expected - but it's a reasonably entertaining example of one of those. Plus, it has a seagull attack! That was fun.

Killer: David Malcolm (Jeremy Brett)

Final Girl: Barbara Carey (Prunella Ransome)

Best Kill: A blind woman who recently escaped Seagull Island gets the most giallo-y death, with the killer playing a tape of seagulls crying that causes her to freak out, jump through a window, and plummet shockingly far to her death.

Sign of the Times: Martin's "going out" outfit consists of three pieces that are all different shades of tan.

Scariest Moment: Enzo's dog barks and Enzo thinks it's barking at him, but all of a sudden a scuba-diving killer bursts up from the water in front of him.

Weirdest Moment: David sleeps next to a framed shirtless photo of his son.

Champion Dialogue: “My sister seems to have gone through half the male population of Italy."

Body Count: 7; not including a blind woman who was killed six months before the events of the movie, whose body we see.

1. David's Second Wife (Alée? Alaine? I don't know, it's never written down) and
2. Frederick die in an underwater rock slide.
3. Blind Woman jumps through the window of her hospital room.
4. Giulio is stabbed in the chest by Enzo.
5. Enzo either dies by succumbing to being stabbed in the crotch or is killed offscreen in some other way.
6. Carol is drowned.
7. David traps himself in a burning building.

TL;DR: The Secret of Seagull Island is a pleasant TV melodrama blended with a mostly OK giallo.

Rating: 6/10