Census Bloodbath: Turn On, Tune In, Drop Dread

 Note: This movie was only available to me in unsubtitled Italian, so take my review with a grain of salt.

Year:
1980
Director:
Aldo Lado
Cast:
Auretta Gay, Pietro Brambilla, Aldo Sassi
Run Time:
1 hour 3 minutes

Plot: A black-gloved killer stalks the cast and crew of the real-life Italian variety TV show Variety. After Ely (Margherita Sestito) discovers the corpse of the dancer Diamante (Mariarita Viaggi), she enlists the help of PA Sandro (Pietro Brambilla of The House with Laughing Windows) and blind switchboard operator Lia (Auretta Gay of Zombie) in getting to the bottom of the mystery.

Analysis: I don't have a lot experience with the giallo genre on the small screen, but there was evidently a pretty big push to get it on the Italian airwaves throughout the 1980s, which more or less culminated in the short-lived 1987 variety show Giallo (something I now desperately want to get my hands on). Because Census Bloodbath is exclusively limited to features rather than series, this is something I have had very little reason to encounter outside of the aborted-miniseries-turned-theatrical-feature The Scorpion with Two Tails, which is uniquely terrible.

Suffice it to say, in the wake of seeing Scorpion, I approached Crime in Via Teulada with some trepidation. You see, the movie (originally titled Delitto in Via Teulada) had previously aired on Variety as a series of five-minute shorts in 1979 before being assembled into a (sort of) feature-length production and debuting in theaters in early 1980.

While the great Sergio Martino delivered us Scorpion, so I know that a filmmaker's legacy doesn't necessarily mean much with TV giallo, I was immediately intrigued by two of the names in the credits: director Aldo Lado (Short Night of Glass Dolls, Who Saw Her Die?) and composer Fabio Frizzi (The Scorpion with Two Tails, The Beyond, Zombie). 

As it turns out, I was right to allow a ray of hope into my heart. While Frizzi is merely competent, delivering a solid Pino-Donaggio-lite orchestration, Lado is firing on as many cylinders as it's possible to fire. While he is still limited by the standards of television storytelling (given the evidence, Italian standards and practices at the time curtailed violence, but not gratuitous boob shots), he puts on a hell of a show.

He stages quite a few exquisite moments of tension and terror, most notably in a sustained chase sequence that sees the character Annie (Barbara D'Urso) being chased from a cherry red stage all the way upstairs to an editing bay via the narrow stairwells surrounding an elevator shaft. He is also extraordinarily skilled at emphasizing Lia's headspace, highlighting how the chaotic sounds and incessantly moving objects in her environment blot out her ability to keep tabs on where she is.

Simply put, Crime in Via Teulada looks fabulous. Moody scenes are drenched in striking pools of light, and sets abound with rotating mirrors, flowing curtains, and everything else you might want out of a stylish giallo production.

Scratch that. Everything you might want, with the exception of outrageous kills. However, the kills that we do get actually aren't half bad. While there are a few more gun deaths than I'd prefer in any given slasher movie, Crime in Via Teulada generally finds ways to stage kills in ways that emphasize the brutality of murder without actually showing much blood or gore.

I don't want to waste my time by trying to convince you that this hourlong movie that Frankensteins together a few shorts from a variety show is some kind of hidden masterpiece, but it is quite lovely for what it is. 

Killer: Lia (Auretta Gay)

Final Girl: N/A

Best Kill: Annie's strangulation by scarf is probably the best, because it accomplishes the "non-gory but still brutal TV kill" vibe with a bit of classic giallo stylization.

Sign of the Times: After Annie is strangled with her scarf, Lia jams it into a spinning tape reel in an editing bay to pretend that it got tangled up in the mechanism. 

Scariest Moment: Annie's extended chase sequence is a real thrill!

Weirdest Moment: In one scene, a costume department worker appears to be ironing her own hand.

Champion Dialogue: N/A

Body Count: 6

1. Diamante is shot in the head.
2. Annie is strangled with a scarf.
3. Ely is blasted in the face with steam.
4. Stagehand is run through with a sword offscreen.
5. Enrico is shot in the back.
6. Lia dies of a gunshot wound.

TL;DR: Crime in Via Teulada is a well-shot and totally pleasant little TV giallo lark.

Rating: 6/10