2019 Flashback: TV & Music

<----- Jump to the MOVIES section

TELEVISION

Top Ten Episodes of 2019 

#10 "Chapter 5: The Gunslinger" The Mandalorian

Baby Yoda and Amy Sedaris share the screen! This may be the best Star Wars has ever been.

#9 "Rainbow Warriors" Tales of the City

I was a little underwhelmed by Netflix's reboot-continuation of the classic miniseries Tales of the City, but it was in this penultimate episode that it really brought the energy I was hoping for the whole time. It's a wacky, over-the-top comedy of errors involving snooping, fake identities, Molly Ringwald, and a wild-ass twist ending that shoots for the moon.

#8 "Oslo" Veep

Veep had its final season this year, and you can't just go off the air forever without bringing back Sally Phillips' fabulously icy Minna Häkkinen. Her expertly crisp line readings are always on point, but she maybe gets her best one yet in her final episode. It's no use repeating out of context, but it's a line I still think about frequently all these months later.

#7 "Care Package" Mrs. Fletcher

Mrs. Fletcher is a fascinating glimpse into the life of an empty nesting divorcée who's rediscovering her sexuality, contrasted with her son's first year of college. This episode is where the show hits full steam. Kathryn Hahn's layered performance mingles with Liesl Tommy's direction to bring an erotic charge to the smallest of moments. Plus, this is the episode where the trans character comes into her own as an emotional being with depth and humanity! Hooray representation!

#6 "Episode 14" Vida

Vida is a show that's difficult to explain. It's about two mismatched sisters trying to keep their mother's bar open after her death, which is a kind of boring way to describe a show so pulsing with life, eroticism, and political heft. I chose this episode, where the sisters are scouting out potential talent for a music night, because it's where the emotions of the season come to a head in an exquisitely beautiful warehouse party setting.

#5 "El Monstruo Marino" Los Espookys

Los Espookys is such an ineffable show, it was hard to pick a single chunk of it to reward, but I think I had the most fun with this episode, where the gang is called upon to fake a sea monster sighting to increase tourism to a beach town. I can't even explain why I find it so hilarious, because it will make no sense out of context. Just believe me, and watch to find out!

#4 "I'm In Love" Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

I'll be sad to see Crazy Ex-Girlfriend go, but I'm happy it went out with so much style. The reprise of the show's classic songs was a brilliantly staged and excellently composed trip down memory lane, and the way it wrapped up the story was a sublime affirmation of the power of self-love.

#3 "Episode 1" Fleabag

For anyone who was worried a second season wouldn't capture the painful, acerbic joy of the first, this comedy of ever-so-British manners about a dinner party gone wrong proves you have nothing to worry about. It's crass, it's emotional, it's hilarious, and Olivia Colman gets even more chances to stretch her subtle savagery to the very limit.

#2 "Outward Bound" GLOW

The real strength of GLOW is the way it can take any character from its huge ensemble of talented women, give them a shot at the spotlight, and show us how deep even the most one-note characters actually are. This is an episode that does that with pretty much every character simultaneously, separating them from every major conflict by sending them into the desert on a retreat and just letting them hash out their differences over the course of an epic, emotional thirty minutes.

#1 "ronny/lily" Barry

Barry is a terrific blend of Hollywood satire and hard-hitting action drama, and this episode is... none of that. It's a hard swerve into surreal horror, where a hit gone wrong sees Barry facing off all night against a young martial artist who is basically a cyborg. It's a hilarious, horrifying, long dark night of the soul like you've never seen it before.

Bottom Five Episodes of 2016

#5 "I'm Almost Over You" Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

There's a bit of fun in this trope-skewering parody of rom-coms that spins a whole episode out of Nathaniel's fantasy that he's the lead in a romantic comedy, but this episode comes too late in the season, right in the middle of the lead-up to the finale, and it stops the pace of the show dead in its tracks. Also the entire show is a parody of romantic comedies, so I don't see why we needed an Isn't it Romantic style episode jammed in here.

#4 "Chapter Six: The Prisoner" The Mandalorian

At least they introduced all the worst single-episode characters in the same episode, because I don't think I could have handled a more subtle rollout of such charismatic gems as "hissing lady" and "big angry Hellboy."

#3 "Chapter Fifteen: Doctor Cerberus's House of Horror" Chilling Adventures of Sabrina

Maybe this is something to do with the way streaming television works, or maybe I've always been this way, but I really can't stand filler episodes, especially in a show with short seasons like this. This entire episode is basically an hourlong anthology horror film, which is actually kind of cool in concept. But it takes time away from the actual plot to present a bunch of scenarios that don't actually exist, and don't give the characters any depth. It just shuffles a seemingly endless well of people through some rote horror short films and calls it a day.

#2 "Final Girl" American Horror Story: 1984

The Emma Roberts you see above you is supposed to be 50 years old. I think that should speak to how little care went into making this underwhelming wrap-up for an only OK season.

#1 "Love's in Need of Love Today" Pose

I know Ryan Murphy can't make a show without a musical episode, but Pose's swing into nondiegetic production numbers gave me more whiplash than most. I felt that it did a disservice to the very real culture of music and dance that the show has worked so hard to depict, escalating it into self-parody. If the entire show was a musical in that way, it would have been fine. But halfway through season 2 is not the time to awkwardly shove all the characters into singing cover songs in service of a forced emotional plot line that wasn't properly set up in the previous episodes.

Best Network Show: The Good Place

Nevermind the talented and diverse cast, the high concept, the hilarious one-liners, it's such a marvel when a network sitcom winds up this fabulously weird. It feels like a mistake, but it's one that went on for four seasons! It's a shame that we're now halfway through its final season, but we're so lucky it ever ended up existing in the first place.

Best HBO Show: Los Espookys

OK maybe it was a mistake opening with The Good Place, because if that is weird, then how could we possibly describe Los Espookys? This bilingual comedy about a group of friends in Mexico who start a horror special effects business (that's not the best way to describe it, but I'm not sure how to describe it - this show must have been hell to pitch) is an exercise in unadulterated surrealism. It's always fun when a show feels like something so completely alien and fresh that it proves the best days of human creativity and expression are not yet behind us.

Best Netflix Show: Nailed It! Mexico

I'm convinced that Nailed It! Mexico is the show that is going to heal the world. In a North America fraught with xenophobia and trauma, it's important to remember that we all bleed the same and fail hilariously to make complicated cakes the same.

Best Disney+ Show: High School Musical: The Musical: The Series

What, you think Jon Favreau's sci-fi tone poem is the only thing on this streaming service? Where that show shines in certain characters and moments, High School Musical: The Musical: The Series is non-stop fun from top to bottom. It's a show trafficking in nostalgia that aims directly to the core of Yours Truly, but it's also a surprisingly clever meta-narrative drizzled with plenty of painfully incisive satire of high school theater kids.

Best Dramatic Actor: Billy Porter, Pose

I thought the plotting of Pose really faltered this season, but Billy Porter's character Pray Tell survived being buffeted about by the whims of the writers due to the faithful commitment and consistency Billy Porter brought to the role. He has a gravity and grace that is unlike anything else on TV, and every time he opens his mouth is a scene worth watching.

Best Comedic Actor: Tituss Burgess, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

This is the last time the character of Titus Andromedon will be able to be mentioned in year-end wrap-ups, and that is a damn shame. Burgess has always been the glue that held together a terrifically messy show, and he's in top shape in the second half of this final season.

Best Dramatic Actress: Meryl Streep, Big Little Lies

Big Little Lies didn't deliver a lot for its returning characters, but Meryl Streep coming into to burn the entire place down with quiet passive aggression was by far the best decision they made to keep the series going. Every little tic in her face carries the weight of an entire movie's worth of monologuing, and when she finally gets a chance to throw caution to the wind, it's a tsunami of emotion.

Best Comedic Actress: Catherine O'Hara, Schitt's Creek

Catherine O'Hara's character Moira is such an exquisite collision of bizarre vocal inflection, sharp physical performance, and deep commitment, and this season she leans in even further. I don't think an episode goes by without her pronunciation of the word "baby" that puts emphasis on syllables you didn't even know existed, and she proves herself to be entirely fearless, launching even further into weirdness with the rigmarole around her B-horror movie The Crows Have Eyes III.

Best Child Actor: Baby Yoda, The Mandalorian

Baby Yoda is really everything the memes made him out to be. Every move he makes is perfection, and he's the reason I've watched The Mandalorian with such single-minded devotion. Or at all, frankly.

Best Breakout Star: Garcia, Tales of the City

Garcia is a nonbinary actor whose portrayal of trans male character Jake is lived-in and sweet, a natural counterweight to the over-the-top instincts of the rest of the show. Garcia has crafted the only new character who could stand head to head with the returning heavyweights like Laura Linney and Olympia Dukakis, and I hope to see much much more from them.

Best Theme Song: "A Little Bit Alexis"

Have you noticed how TV shows have pretty much given up on theme songs these days? Luckily, Schitt's Creek has provided us with a blast from the fictional past. This theme song to Alexis Rose's A Simple Life-esque reality show is a perfect evocation of the television landscape of the mid-2000's.

Best SNL Sketch: Sara Lee

This sketch really does feel like gay Instagram became a five minute short. It feels intimately knowledgeable of my social media life experience in a way that's almost chilling. This speaks to why you should hire writers who aren't straight white men, because we allll have funny stories to tell.

Best Musical Performance: "Masquerade" Chilling Adventures of Sabrina

OK, maybe not "best," but "most unexpected" for sure. In a show that has made not even a single feint toward musicality, it takes a hard left turn in the final episode of the second season where the ensemble performs a little Andrew Lloyd Weber to the literal Devil. If you know anything about me, you'll know I unequivocally loved it.

Best Guest Star: Kristin Scott Thomas, Fleabag

If you had asked me before this episode who I thought would be a perfect older foil for Fleabag's particular brand of messiness, I certainly wouldn't have pulled out the name Kristin Scott Thomas. I would have been dreadfully wrong.

Best Commercial: "Meteor"

OK, I was just tickled by this one. I like the inherent darkness to the concept that these people are so wowed by their trunk space that they're willing to risk being hit by a meteor to fill it up as much as possible.

Worst Commercial: "Samsung Jeans"

I never feel more like a dad than when I'm grumbling about the ridiculous characterization of the woman in this commercial, who states herself to be "laid back and casual." She's supposed to be setting up an Odd Couple-esque comparison with the guy who irons his jeans, but she looks even more preppy and buttoned-up than he does, so what am I supposed to be getting from this character? It makes me so irrationally mad

MUSIC

Top Ten Songs of 2019

#10 "Small Talk" Katy Perry

Katy Perry lost me somewhere in between "Chained to the Rhythm" and her performance of "Swish Swish" on SNL, and while her new single isn't what I'd call a barn-burner, it's at least a return to form. It's a perfectly lovely pop bauble that will roll around your brain for weeks and not do any damage.

#9 "Cool" Jonas Brothers

I do my best not to be a sucker for nostalgia, but you can't not give it a shot when a teenybopper band like the Jonas Brothers decides to return to the pop scene as grown-ups. I think "Cool" is their most sophisticated single, still embracing the daffy lyricism of bubblegum pop, but capturing the chill, slinky vibe of an afternoon strutting along the pier.

#8 "Church" Aly + AJ

2019 sure witnessed the return of a lot of classic Disney Channel pop, didn't it? Aly + AJ wasn't really my jam back in the day, but even I can recognize the sheer gulf between their teenybopper work and this dark, brooding single that paints a layered, fascinating soundscape.

#7 "Panini" Lil Nas X

Lil Nas X knows how to craft a single that digs its hooks into you immediately, then leave before you feel like you've had enough. In under two minutes, it delivers a verse, pre-chorus, and chorus that are sonically unique from one another and equally catchy. It's a sprint through a sonic landscape that never gets old.

#6 "Me" CLC

This genre-bending K-Pop song is a lot of fun when it starts out, but once the chorus strikes, it dives straight into the hardest dubstep breakdown this side of 2012, and I can't help but be swept up into pure delight. I like a song that seeks to overwhelm you, and "Me" is like a gale force wind of sonic energy.

#5 "I Got 5 On It (Tethered Mix)" Luniz

I don't frequently include pieces from film scores on this list, but if it's listenable as a single detached from the visual element, then that means it's extra special. This remix from Us is one of the best things about the film, which is pretty terrifically rendered in a lot of aspects. Blending classic hip hop with the dark, minor key fantasia of a horror score creates an entirely unique track that drips with atmosphere.

#4 "Raising Hell" Kesha feat. Big Freedia

I loved that we got angry, wild country Kesha ripping up the haters on her album Rainbow. But "Raising Hell" is a delightful return to a Kesha who just wants to have fun, allowing herself to move forward, using all the musical complexity of Rainbow in service of a dazzling pop single. Special kudos to the delicious church organ riff during the bridge.

#3 "Good Things Fall Apart" Jon Bellion & Illenium

I hate to admit it, but I'm not always able to resist sad boy music. The fact that this is the third and final male artist in a list of ten should tell you where my heart lies most of the time. But as this list (and my entire history of lists) has probably proven, I love a chorus that knocks you off your feet and drags you out like a riptide. Bellion's acoustic sensibilities and Illenium's modern electric warbling combine terrifically here to hold you in the iron grip of this track.

#2 "Cuz I Love You" Lizzo

Lizzo has always been playful with her genre-bending, but she fits so well with the Wall of Sound schema. That blast of brass that concludes the chorus is bold, brash, and irresistible. It shouldn't make sense in this song with its R&B vocal track, trap beat, and playful lyrical edge, but it all. just. works.

#1 "Want You in My Room" Carly Rae Jepsen

This song is pure, addictive candy. Like all CRJ songs, the first verse starts off charming but a little underwhelming, but once the chorus (and, most importantly, the robotic choir) strikes, "Want You in My Room" is devoured by the spirit of ELO. Carly herself seems to be swallowed by the song (her voice is mixed unusually low in the chorus), as if even she can't escape the pure joy and magnetic force of the bubblegum.

Bottom Five Songs of 2019

#5 "One Thing Right" Kane Brown & Marshmello

Maybe this is petty, but the meter of this song is alllll out of whack. The line is supposed to be "I got one thing right: YOU!" But instead it goes like "I got one thing right... ... ... you," and by that time it has been completely divorced from the line it's a part of and gets more or less swallowed by Marshmello's overzealous bleeps and bloops. It just feels like a first draft mistake to me, and it makes it difficult to listen to.

#4 "Beer Never Broke My Heart" Luke Combs

Bro country about women and beer, am I right? Hilarious! Groundbreaking!

#3 "Medellín" Madonna & Maluma

"Despacito" inspired everyone and their mother to do a Latin pop song, so of course the pop music chameleon Madonna had to hop on that bandwagon and deliver this boring, uninspired, endless noodle. But hi Maluma! How are you? I bet you're sorry I eliminated my "prettiest men" category, huh?

#2 "Knockin' Boots" Luke Bryan

OK, am I biased against bro country? Yes. Does the genre mostly deserve it? Of course. Any 43-year-old man that willingly describes himself as a "boy" must be held under intense scrutiny. Especially when he is telling "girls" that he needs them to kiss him. No, thank you.

#1 "God's Country" Blake Shelton

This is just the antithesis to everything I'm about, y'know.

Best Music Video: "Memories" Maroon 5

You're either going to love or hate this video, but I found it really interesting. It's simple, it's low budget, but it's also kind of daring. Adam Levine's whole brand is that he's a sex idol, but this video really invites us to investigate every corner of his face at every lighting angle. Of course it's flattering because he is a very attractive man, but we're also welcomed to see how he has aged, an image that suits the reflective tone of the lyrics incredibly well.

Worst Music Video: "I Don't Care" Ed Sheeran & Justin Bieber

A Snapchat filter has become self aware and declared war on humanity via this video.

Best Collaboration: "Old Town Road" Lil Nas X & Billy Ray Cyrus

The narrative behind this song is one of my favorite pop culture stories of the year: When Lil Nas X's song was pulled from the country charts for almost certainly racist reasons, Billy Ray Cyrus stepped in to help create a hit that couldn't be ignored by the genre's gatekeepers. It wasn't exactly brave to hop onto a song that would give the one-hit wonder his first number one single, but it's a fun middle finger to the bigoted people who want to keep popuating the charts with all the songs on my "Worst Of" lists.

Best Guilty Pleasure: "You Need to Calm Down" Taylor Swift

I don't respond to this as a pandering defense of LGBTQ rights (the line "shade never made anybody less gay" completely fails to understand that "shade" isn't just trendy slang, but literally a concept invented by queer people and thus inherently queer and in fact, makes people more gay). I respond to its bouncy synths, layered harmonies, and catchy hook. Sue me!

Best Album Cover: Titanic Rising, Weyes Blood

Have I heard a single song off this album? No way! But pretty is pretty, and I like the casually surreal beauty of it.

Best Cover Song: "Doin Time" Lana Del Rey

I'm no fan of Lana Del Rey, and maybe I'm just a sucker for lyrics that mention Long Beach, but her cover of Sublime is transportive. It uses her inherent woozy aesthetic to transpose the very 90's song into a dreamlike state that completely recontextualizes every element of the lyrics.

Worst Cover Song: "Africa" Weezer

And now we move to the polar opposite of that Sublime cover. Weezer has made it known that they attempted to recreate Toto's instrumentation as exactly as possible. So what's the point?! While this song was playing, I was telling a coworker that I'm vaguely irritated by the Weezer cover and they said, "oh, I've never heard it." They didn't realize they were listening to it right at that moment because they've done absolutely nothing to make it a cover worth anyone's time.

Here's Some Stuff That I Did in 2019

Attack of the Queerwolf

Now on the Fangoria podcast network, Attack of the Queerwolf is heading into a beautiful season 2. But what a 2019 we've had! I was sadly not able to be in the room when we recorded with Happy Death Day's Jessica Rothe or Dressed to Kill's Nancy Allen. But I was present for Adam Robitel (Escape Room), Bryan Fuller (Hannibal, Pushing Daisies), Ben Baur (Something Like Summer), and many other illustrious guests that were such a blast!

Scream 101

This year on Scream 101, Sergio and I have powered through such varied franchises as Leprechaun, Final Destination, Gremlins, Lake Placid, Anaconda, and Frankenstein!

Other Podcasts

On Geek K.O., you can catch me running trivia on Child's Play, Leprechaun, and zombies. I joined the Horror Queers for a discussion of Cherry Falls. On Kill by Kill I chatted the opening twenty minutes of Nightmare on Elm Street 4. On Hazel & Katniss & Harry & Starr, I was asked to help compare Jane Austen's Emma and its modern adaptation Clueless. I brought the woozy supernatural slasher The Carpenter to the table for Keep Screaming. The Queerwolf gang and I joined Shock Waves to talk about camp. I was interviewed by Fright School, then rejoined them to talk From Beyond.

Delirium Magazine

In Delirium's 90's themed issue this October, I contributed an article about how damn well Bride of Chucky holds up. It's the first time I've ever been in actual print, and it was incredibly exciting!

Other Writing

On Alternate Ending, I did a summer feature of five foundational German krimi films. On Dread Central I ran through my top 10 songs from horror movies in 2019. 

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Word Count: 3880

Reviewing Jane: It Was A Foolish Precipitation Last Christmas

In which we review every film adapted from or inspired by the works of Jane Austen: Christmas edition!

Year: 2019

Director: David Winning

Cast: Erin Krakow, Luke Macfarlane, Kimberley Sustad 

Run Time: 1 hour 28 minutes

Merry Christmas, everyone! Its continues to be that very special time of year when Hallmark's endless shitty Jane Austen adaptations collide with Hallmark's even more endless shitty Christmas movies! And to cap off this special trilogy we have the pleasure of visiting a film directed by the man who previously brought us untold Austenian pleasures with Hallmark's dog show romance Unleashing Mr. Darcy. It's Sense, Sensibility, and Snowmen, the only one of the five Hallmark Austen movies not to be based on Pride and Prejudice! What a treat!

It's still brought to us by infinite white people, however.

OK, so it may not be based on Pride and Prejudice, but it's not based on any Sense and Sensibility I'VE ever read. Yes, we have the sisters Ella (Erin Krakow) and Marianne Dashwood (Kimberley Sustad) and their love interests Edward (Luke Macfarlane) and Brandon (Jason McKinnon). But in this one Ella is the flighty nymph ruled by her emotions, and Marianne is the one ruled by logic and sense, in an unmotivated switch that causes the novel's plot to crumble from underneath the film like the stone floor in an Indiana Jones adventure. Also Edward is not Ella's cousin (not complaining), but rather the cousin of Brandon, who is aged down by a good 15 years (maybe a little complaining on this one, because I'd love Hallmark to tackle a nontraditional couple and having gay people is obviously out of the question).

Also the story is now about party planning because of f**king course it is. Edward has taken over as CEO of his father's toy company, which is inexplicably called Ferris Wheel. He is being visited by French suppliers whose business will put the company in the black, but he needs to win them over with heart rather than statistics and numbers because apparently the French are terrible at business. Unfortunately, he is a cold corporate automaton, so he hires Ella (who is trying to prove to Marianne that she is capable of committing to their party planning business rather than run off to backpack across Europe or whatever for the millionth time) to plan a huge Christmas soiree for the company despite the fact that they've already had an awkward encounter where she mercilessly mocked him for having no Christmas spirit.

Will his business acumen allow her to grow into the sister Marianne needs to be? Will her free spirit allow him to loosen up, enjoy the holiday, and land the account? Will they fall in love along the way? Of course! This is a Hallmark movie!

And this is the moment where we must tragically recognize that this movie IS in fact also just a Pride and Prejudice riff, because the only thing these movies remember about that novel is that the couple doesn't get along at first, which is palpably NOT the case in Sense and Sensibility. And this movie doesn't even remember to have the sisters start off rich and then lose all their assets which is the one nugget that modern adaptations absolutely must remember to retain. P&P is the couple at odds, S&S is the poor sisters. You don't even need to read the books to get that! But Hallmark has clearly read neither, so perhaps we're better off not getting too upset here and avoiding having this caption become longer than the review.

Honestly, after watching three of these movies in a row, it's hard to even muster the strength to identify any unique attributes it has. It's simultaneously exactly like all the other Hallmark movies, and yet comes off more deeply generic and tedious than any of them. The brief thrill of recognizing Austenian names coming from the mouths of characters gives way instantly to a cookie cutter Christmas movie. And no, I don't mean the 2014 Hallmark movie literally called A Cookie Cutter Christmas that also stars Erin Krakow. They really just keep lobbing me these softballs, it's almost embarrassing.

Literally the one thing that's exciting in any way to someone who has seen more than their fair share of these (a number I have long since surpassed) is the fact that the narrative takes place entirely within The City. Specifically Chicago, as played by Vancouver. Rather than The City representing a skyscrapered purgatory of corporate greed and soulless automatons that must be overcome by the heart and humanity of Small Town Living, it's just the setting for the movie. 

How novel!

And I guess they try to get playful with the sheer lack of humanity that the character of Edward has (something that is constantly undercut by the goofy charisma of Luke Macfarlane, who is charming but wildly miscast). When he arrives at one of the many Christmas carnivals that are around every corner in the Hallmark Cinematic Universe, he can't understand why they're sipping hot chocolate and waiting for the Christmas Tree Lighting and asks "so, what's the objective?" He's not a fish out of water, he's a fish launched into the reaches of deep space. 

He understands absolutely nothing about human social behavior, and it's a shame because he doesn't seem to understand anything about running a business either, which is the one thing he's supposedly focused his life on, at the expense of learning literally anything about the world. Hallmark movies don't typically have a strong grasp on the details of office culture other than Business Meeting, Report On My Desk By Monday, Spreadsheet, etc. But the wild gaps in logic here (Ella's warm spirit inspires Edward to use children for the first time in the focus groups of his toy company) are gaping chasms that the characters can't possibly climb their way out of. Edward's a lost cause, obviously (he also announces the contract with the French company at the holiday party before they even have anything in writing), but even Ella is kind of a mess. Her plans for expanding the company include, and I quote, "more staff, expanded marketing, and loans." I'm no Business Boy myself, but you might think that the best business plans would avoid one having to owe money to people.

But beyond picking apart their business acumen, the characters have almost nothing to offer in terms of entertainment. Marianne exists only to provide easily clearable conflict hurdles, rather than participate in the romance other than a background flirtation with Brandon. And speaking of Brandon, he's stripped of absolutely every element of his character on the page. He's not even been given the gift of a different character from the novel's personality like Ella, so he phases through the movie like a ghost, making absolutely no mark.

It's not unpleasant to watch at any time, but Sense, Sensibility, and Snowmen is completely comatose. If you're home with the flu and don't have the capacity to focus while slipping in and out of a fever haze, then this might be the perfect fit for your needs, but beyond that I'd recommend literally any other Hallmark Austen movie, and that's not something I say lightly, because most of them are quite dreadful.

...Merry Christmas!

TL;DR: Sense, Sensibility, & Snowmen is as bland as Hallmark gets, throwing a hideously bad Austen adaptation on top of it.

Rating: 3/10

Word Count: 1241
Other Films Based on Sense and Sensibility
Sense and Sensibility (Lee, 1995)
Kandukondain Kandukondain (Menon, 2000)
Material Girls (Coolidge, 2006)
From Prada to Nada (Gracia, 2011)
Scents and Sensibility (Brough, 2011)
Sense, Sensibility, & Snowmen (Winning, 2019)

Reviewing Jane: I Sincerely Hope Your Christmas May Abound In The Gaieties Which The Season Generally Brings…

In which we review every film adapted from or inspired by the works of Jane Austen: Christmas edition!

Year: 2018

Director: Don McBrearty

Cast: Lacey Chabert, Brendan Penny, Sherry Miller 

Run Time: 1 hour 22 minutes

Merry Christmas Eve, everyone! Its continues to be that very special time of year when Hallmark's endless shitty Jane Austen adaptations collide with Hallmark's even more endless shitty Christmas movies! This one is also based on Pride and Prejudice because it's the only novel anybody at the network or in the audience has ever read, apparently. 

 Also, I hope you like this hat, because you're going to be seeing a lot more of it.

I sure hope you weren't using this movie as an excuse not to do your reading for senior year English, because this movie is about as based on Pride and Prejudice as a Three Musketeers bar. Essentially the only elements salvaged from the wreckage of Austen's masterpiece are the character names and... yeah, no, that's it. In a saucy twist, our lead is Darcy Fitzwilliam (Lacey Chabert, a girl!), a high stakes stock market person in New York. She has been so hardened by her big city lifestyle that when she offers to open an investment portfolio for the guy who runs the coffee cart on the sidewalk even though he only has like five cents that she insists she pay for the coffee he offers her for free. Cruel witch! Oh, and she has a big client named Mark Spencer (Paulino Nunes), which is not an Austen name, but it is a British department store so shoutout to screenwriter Nina Weinman having herself some fun.

Anyway, she returns to her hometown of Pemberley, Ohio the week before Christmas to help her mom (Sherry Miller) plan the annual Pemberly League Holiday Auction. It turns out that the caterer her mom just hired is none other than her high school debate rival Luke Bennett (Brendan Penny), and they're going to be working very closely together over the next couple days. They instantly ruffle each other's feathers (She is nice and he is kind! They're too different, it will never work!), but eventually they fall in love or whatever. Shocking. Also the only person of color with a major role is Darcy's work partner Austin (Robinne Fanfair, and what a terrific name that is), a conniving jerk who wants to shove her out in the cold while she's on vacation.

Little does she know, out in the cold is exactly where Darcy needs to be right about now.

Well, this movie certainly is a Hallmark movie. It opens jingle bells a-blazing over a city skyline, the lead must move from the city to a small town and never return, and all flat surfaces in the background have every square inch cross-hatched with Christmas lights and tinsel. There's literally a shot reverse-shot conversation in a single small office and there's a fully decked-out Christmas tree in the background of both shots. That's two discrete trees in two discrete corners of one office large enough to fit one person. God, I love Christmas movies.

Hallmark is so nervous about ruining your holiday cheer that they carefully avoid any conflict more potent than a light breeze. There's a love triangle so empty I literally didn't even include the second dude in my plot synopsis, and beyond that it's just about two overly nice people in a town full of sickeningly nice people slowly realizing they're meant to be together. 

For all the sweet this movie has to offer, there is a bit of tartness present that I'm highly pleased about. Sherry Miller swoops about this film like a grand dame, giving a "curt older woman" performance that Aunt Violet in Marrying Mr. Darcy could only aspire to in her wildest Xanax daydreams. There's a blissfully camp conversation she has with Darcy where she goes from informing her that the Christmas tree designer has cancelled to making grand accusations about her business acumen in three seconds flat. And whether it be that Luke's turkey pot pie (gross) is the "best meal she's ever had" or that she'll never stop by that store again, every choice she makes is final. her snappy one-liners are full of piss and vinegar and she is a true delight whenever she tromps onscreen.

There's my angel, second from the right. (This is the only promotional photo I could find that wasn't Lacey Chabert and Brendan Penny making moon eyes at each other.)

Beyond that, what more could there possibly be to say? This is a Hallmark movie! The script is full of delightful snippets of dialogue want to appeal to octogenarians (Luke compares the gossip in a small town to "the Information Superhighway"), Darcy is obsessed with roasted chestnuts with a force no human being has ever been able to muster in human history, and the ways they paper over the gaping plot holes are hilarious and sometimes even illegal (they force a children's choir to be the waitstaff at the event when the catering company falls through at the last minute).

It's like settling into a delightful warm bath of Christmas-flavored camp. You know exactly where every scene is going so there's no need to worry, and it's never going to descend to the level of true crap because you're in the capable hands of Lacey Chabert. She's not terrific, but the movie isn't asking her to be. She's just one cog in the giant Hallmark machine, but she makes it seem like she's having a great time doing it all. And that's no small feat considering she's already been in half a dozen of these Hallmark movies (and that's just counting the Christmas-themed ones). It's all surface and no substance, but think of it like a Christmas ornament. It's completely empty on the inside, but it sure makes it feel like the season.

TL;DR: Pride, Prejudice, and Mistletoe has less conflict than a gingerbread cookie, but it's pleasant to bask in.

Rating: 6/10

Word Count: 1006
Other Films Based on Pride and Prejudice
Pride and Prejudice (Leonard, 1940)

Pride and Prejudice (miniseries - Langton, 1995)
Bridget Jones's Diary (Maguire, 2001)
Pride & Prejudice: A Latter-Day Comedy (Black, 2003)
Bride & Prejudice (Chadha, 2004)
Pride and Prejudice (Wright, 2005)
Unleashing Mr. Darcy (Winning, 2016)
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (Steer, 2016)
Before the Fall (Geisler, 2016)
Marrying Mr. Darcy (Monroe, 2018)
Christmas at Pemberley Manor (McBrearty, 2018)
Pride, Prejudice, and Mistletoe (McBrearty, 2018)

Pride & Prejudice: Atlanta (Baraka, 2019)

Reviewing Jane: We Have Had A Very Dull Christmas

In which we review every film adapted from or inspired by the works of Jane Austen: Christmas Edition!

Year: 2018

Director: Colin Theys

Cast: Jessica Lowndes, Michael Rady, Cole Gleason

Run Time: 1 hour 24 minutes

Merry Christmas Eve Eve, everyone! It's that very special time of year when Hallmark's endless shitty Jane Austen adaptations collide with Hallmark's even more endless shitty Christmas movies! I don't actually have the Hallmark channel, because what person under the age of 45 does? Or even pays for TV in the first place? Anyway, that's why this review has come a year late, because the network has finally released their 2018 projects upon an unsuspecting public. 

And what a miserable wait it was! A whole year without white people standing in front of Christmas trees! Imagine!

In Christmas at Pemberley Manor, we find one Elizabeth Bennett (Jessica Lowndes) in that oh-so Austenian profession of being a Big Business Party Planner. She's a party planner because all Hallmark heroines are party planners, but her work also takes place in a New York high rise with a cruel corporate boss, Caroline Bingley (Elaine Hendrix), because she needs a reason to never want to go back to the city. 

She's been hired for her first solo party planning gig by college friend George (Cole Gleason), the mayor of the town of Lambton who is so desperately, transparently in love with her that the fact she doesn't notice leads me to question that she might be a full-tilt sociopath. When the town square where they're planning a festival literally collapses into a sinkhole (if you thought they would have the budget to show a sinkhole, you are sorely mistaken), they must relocate to the only other viable spot in town: Pemberley Manor. Unfortunately the owner, William Darcy (Michael Rady), is resistant to the idea because he's only in town to sell the property and doesn't want people tromping all over the yard.

Elizabeth uses her pride in her work to melt his prejudice against the Christmas spirit and buy a lot of decorations with his credit card. He falls in love with her anyway, and the literal actual Santa may or may not show up at some point.

Also it's illegal in the Hallmark Holiday Extended Universe not to make Christmas cookies at least once.

By far the most interesting thing about Christmas at Pemberley Manor is the fact that the leading man isn't clean shaven to within a centimeter of his life. They let Darcy be a little scruffy, which actually visually accents his character in a way that allows him to have a character to the slightest degree, which is all one can hope for in one of these movies. This actually goes a long way (only on the very long sliding scale by which we're forced to measure Hallmark movies) in making him "edgy," because their prickly relationship in the beginning has literally nothing else to stand on other than him being a little bit of a Grinch. He's clearly already in love with her from square one, and the reason she finds him a bit of a pill at first is based on an almost willful misunderstanding, because one of these movies wouldn't dare have a male lead actually be mean to anyone ever.

Hallmark's aversion to romantic conflict at least gives way to Hallmark's hatred of big business, so there's a tiny scrap of tension somewhere in the movie. Mind you, it makes less than no sense, but isn't that what we're here for? Eventually after the press takes a picture of Darcy and Elizabeth together and puts a headline about him donating money to the town festival on the front page, Caroline comes to town to take over the event because it's bad for her image that an employee is succeeding apparently. It's completely wild plotting, but it is at least plotting, and I've learned not to look down my nose at an actual narrative in one of these things.

And hey, this plot point is just one nestled in a garden of insipid blooms waiting to be plucked and mocked. Here's George, who must have had his spine removed at an early age because he literally never tells Elizabeth how he feels and contents himself to a life of solitude! There's the multiple shopping scenes where sometimes "full" bags get shoved in the trunk upside-down! Here's the moment where Darcy's assistant tells him he has an email and hands him a printout! If there's anything better than Hallmark's continued refusal to learn how modern technology works, it's... well, it's that the literal Santa Claus is in this movie, but I won't spoil how. 

Nor will I need to if you've seen even the first five seconds of the movie.

Christmas at Pemberley Manor can actually be a joy to hang out with sometimes. It has its humorous moments (they joke about hanging twinkle lights on the sinkhole and it's the funniest any Hallmark movie has ever been), its aesthetically pleasing moments (mainly just every coat worn by any character), and its irresistibly daffy ones ("It's Christmas! What better time for a Christmas miracle?"). However, there are some things that sink this film like a stone.

First, the leads have absolutely no chemistry. That kind of comes with the territory in these hellishly chaste romances where the leads kiss exactly once immediately before the credits roll, but it's especially difficult because Jessica Lowndes makes absolutely zero effort not to make her Elizabeth come off as an irritating mess. Then, there's the fact that throwing a bunch of Austen-y names ("The Mansfield Press is here to interview you!") doesn't automatically lend a story gravitas.

But I think the most telling thing about the movie is that it hangs its entire script on this one line, repeated over and over again by several different characters: "The things we love are never far away." Does that mean anything to you? It sure doesn't for me, and the movie seems to think it's very profound. The fact that this line is something the movie seems to be proud of is indicative of how rotten the very foundations of this film truly are. It's fun to poke fun at, but beyond that it offers absolutely nothing of substance. And the romantic interludes which form 75% of the entire running time are exhausting and tedious to watch. If you're looking for Christmas romance, look further than Christmas at Pemberley.

TL;DR: Christmas at Pemberley Manor is cheerily dumb, but not interesting enough to ever consider a rewatch.

Rating: 5/10

Word Count: 1102

Other Films Based On Pride and Prejudice

Pride and Prejudice (Leonard, 1940)

Pride and Prejudice (miniseries - Langton, 1995)
Bridget Jones's Diary (Maguire, 2001)
Pride & Prejudice: A Latter-Day Comedy (Black, 2003)
Bride & Prejudice (Chadha, 2004)
Pride and Prejudice (Wright, 2005)
Unleashing Mr. Darcy (Winning, 2016)
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (Steers, 2016)
Before the Fall (Geisler, 2016)
Marrying Mr. Darcy (Monroe, 2018)
Christmas at Pemberley Manor (Theys, 2018)
Pride, Prejudice, and Mistletoe (McBrearty, 2018)

Pride & Prejudice: Atlanta (Baraka, 2019)

Census Bloodbath: Keep It

Year:1982
Director: Jim Makichuk
Cast: Riva Spier, Murray Ord, Sheri McFadden
Run Time: 1 hour 29 minutes
MPAA Rating: R

Holiday-themed movies are anything but uncommon in the 80's slasher genre. The only thing odd about encountering one set on New Year's Eve as we continue our journey through 1982 is the fact that the entire film isn't built around the holiday. In fact, I've never seen Ghostkeeper on any list of holiday slashers. Sure, it barely uses any tropes or signposts of the holiday beyond a couple mentions of the year to come, but that doesn't stop people from recognizing that same year's Humongous for taking place on Labor Day, something only mentioned in a title card. To find out why this movie isn't getting its name out there, let's dive in deeper, shall we?

Oops. Too deep! Too deep!

Ghostkeeper is not as lurid as the title might make it sound, but it's still a slasher that goes pretty damn far off model. For one thing, the potential body count is stymied by an incredibly small cast. Three city folk - Jenny (Riva Spier), whose only character trait is that her mother was institutionalized and she worries about her own mental health; Marty (Murray Ord), Jenny's boyfriend who is an unbelievably douchey prep; and Chrissy (Sheri McFadden), a sexed-up blonde who transparently wants to sleep with Marty - go off snowmobiling while bored on the morning of New Year's Eve. When the snow starts coming down hard, they hole up at Deer Lodge, an abandoned ski resort higher up in the mountains.

They think they're alone, but they soon meet an old woman credited only as Ghostkeeper (Georgie Collins), who spends a lot of time refusing to answer their questions in anything but gruff, elliptical vagaries. She also mentions she has a son hanging around her somewhere. Naturally, the young folks begin dying, but with such a small platter of meat, this takes a bit longer than usual. It begins to come to light (pretty much only because of a title card explaining it before the credits even roll) that this lodge is now the home of a windigo, described in this case as a "ghost who lives on human flesh." This doesn't really matter because the director ran out of money before being able to include pretty much anything actually with the windigo, who is depicted in the few shots he's in as a man with a bunch of dirt on his face.

Spoooooooky.

Ghostkeeper is an early 80's slasher hailing from Canada (which I could have told you even without looking it up, thanks to the copious "sore-y's," "eh's," and the presence of composer Paul Zaza), and that's usually a good sign. But there's a reason it ain't ending up on any Canadian slasher lists either: nobody wants to claim this movie for themselves.

The movie starts off by banking a whole bunch of goodwill. The chilly, snowbound atmosphere is a fun wintry blanket to wrap yourself up in, and the Deer Lodge is an excellent location. There's something deeply alluring about abandoned places, and the trio's exploration of empty restaurants and ballrooms is eerily enticing. If anything, this setting draws a straight line between the elegant chills of The Shining and the frigid slasher efficacy of Cold Prey.

Unfortunately, once the plot kicks in, Ghostkeeper almost immediately begins to squander all that goodwill. The slasher movie mainstay of having characters wander down dark hallways arrives in full force here, padding the time that should have been filled with more kills, then the time where there should have been a monster. Essentially, if there's a genre we can call "Hallway," Ghsotkeeper fits into that way more than it does "Horror."

Exhibit A.

It's a shame, because there are some solid elements floating around in the primordial ooze that could be creepy if they were implemented properly. For a film so cheap and so devoted to not actually killing anybody, there are some really decent gore effects. They don't push the envelope in any way, but they're rendered with more realism than one might reasonably expect from a C-picture like this. And I do want to commend the work of Georgie Collins, whose hoarse whisper and erratic physical performance craft a character who is uncanny and exhilarating to be around.

Unfortunately, her screen time is relatively small, and the other characters are wallpaper when they're not being exquisitely irritating. Jenny's constant monologuing about her vague sub-Hereditary backstory fail to crack onto any sort of pathos, Chrissy is shallow and vapid, and Marty is perhaps the most casually cruel individual to ever walk the earth. It's a curiosity why any woman would be interested in anything about him other than his jawline. He mercilessly mocks any living being he finds himself in close contact with, and has two moments alone with Jenny where he behaves almost like a mad dictator.

Ghostkeeper is a profoundly empty movie, a fact that's made even more painful by the way it squanders an excellent setting and a promising villain. It's far from the worst slasher I've watched for this project. It's not even the worst slasher of the summer of '82. But I can't think of any reason to recommend it to anybody at any time. Maybe if you're a completist of the smallish sub-subgenre of New Year's Horror, but I'm afraid if that's the case, you're even more far gone than Yours Truly.

Killer: Ghostkeeper (Georgie Collins), her son, and oddly not the Windigo
Final Girl: Jenny (Riva Spier)
Best Kill: Chrissy is drowned in the bathtub, but when the movie cuts back to her she's still alive for some reason so her throat is slashed, in a pretty solid effect.
Sign of the Times: The waist of Jenny's pants might literally be high enough to cover her nipples.
Scariest Moment: During a fireside hangout, Marty begins to sing a horribly racist parody of the Mexican song "Cielito Lindo," which is a pretty deep thing to know if you're gonna be a bigot.
Weirdest Moment: After Jenny kills the Ghostkeeper's son, Marty goes completely mad and rubs grease all over his face, babbling incoherently.
Champion Dialogue: "I should learn never to go places with geological engineers."
Body Count: 6; 2 by the son, 1 by the mother, 2 by Jenny, and 1 by an act of nature.

1. Man is speared in the gut.
2. Chrissy has her throat slashed.
3. Ghostkeeper's Son is impaled on a metal fence.
4. Hiker is stabbed.
5. Ghostkeeper is shot in the gut.
6. Marty freezes to death.

TL;DR: Ghostkeeper starts off strong, but deflates slowly across its tedious run time.
Rating: 3/10
Word Count: 1114