Census Bloodbath: Dismembers Only

Year: 1987

Director: David A. Prior

Cast: Marcia Karr, David Campbell, Fritz Matthews

Run Time: 1 hour 25 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

Whenever I need motivation to get back in the swing of things with Census Bloodbath, I always pull out one of the big guns: a title that I have yet to see that has stuck in my craw since I started doing research for this project many bloody moons ago. And frankly, I just couldn’t force myself to wait until this project reached the faraway year of 1987, because I had to see Killer Workout. AKA Aerobicide. AKA two of the laziest, most confusing puns ever written. How could one not be intrigued?

I can’t say I was disappointed with my decision. Killer Workout is terrible, of course, but it’s terrible in almost exactly the way it promises to be. “Almost” being the operative word here, but more on that after we roll out the plot. 

Insofar as you need a plot beyond the title “Killer Workout”

The Hollywood health spa Rhonda’s Workout is a big success. Dozens of legwarmered hardbodies flock there every day to participate in preposterous aerobics exercises so elaborate that the film required two choreographers. These folks are dying to get fit… and one of them is killing for it. A murderer brandishing an oversized safety pin begins to bump off the patrons one by one for reasons unknown. And yes, the killer’s main weapon is a safety pin, an implement so moronic that the slasher parody Student Bodies (which featured a murder via eggplant) couldn’t even have come up with it.

I love the 80’s.

Obviously, this sends co-owner Rhonda Johnson (Marcia Karr of Maniac Cop) into a tizzy, especially when aggressively useless Detective Lieutenant Morgan (David Campbell of Scarecrows and Deadly Prey) starts investigating her customers and staff. There’s hardly been a better time to Meet the Meat, so let’s go for it:

The fitness nuts on the suspect list (or maybe the chopping block) include Jaimy (Teresa Van der Woude of Night Visitor, and damn if this cast wasn’t dedicated to the slasher genre), an aerobics instructor who shows up late to work in red stilettos with a purse full of condoms and is my new idol; Chuck Dawson (Ted Prior – Playgirl centerfold and brother of director David A. Prior - of Sledgehammer, Deadly Prey, and the delightfully titled crime thriller Hardcase and Fist), the senior owner’s mulleted new hire who is suspiciously good at beating the crap out of people; Jimmy (Fritz Matthews, also of Deadly Prey, and wouldn’t you know it but that film was directed by one David A. Prior), a horny meathead who comes onto all the girls and gets in approximately three to thirteen karate fights with Chuck as they work out their testosterone –fueled differences; and…

Wait, the rest of these one-dimensional fools don’t matter. There’s KARATE FIGHTS in this movie?!

Yeah, you read that right. At a frequency almost quicker than there are murders, Chuck has knock-down drag-out fights with as many men as possible, but mostly Jimmy. And these aren’t simple little scuffles, either. With almost as much choreography as the Kenny Ortega-esque aerobics sequences, these scenes all last two to five minutes, shading between wrestling match grandstanding (a trash can and a rake come into play later on), superfluous Karate Kid flourishes (so many spin kicks!), and boxing plucked straight out of a cartoon (one guy’s head is used as a speed bag). It is ridiculously macho, completely out of left field, and always bafflingly hilarious. This is the fuel on the bad-good fire that most campy slasher movies would provide with cheesy, creative deaths.

And it’s fortunate Killer Workout has that going for it, because those murder sequences really aren’t doing it for me. Yes, that giant safety pin is a ludicrous weapon that I will be discussing at parties for years to come (at the parties that I get invited to, that is a tame topic of conversation), but the scenes all play out at the most tame Psycho rip-off level of bloodless tedium. The weapon is raised into the air, we see a bunch of stabbing motions offscreen or in silhouette, and the victim falls to the ground. And maybe there’s boobs.

There’s usually boobs.

Though I guess Killer Workout must be commended for exactly toeing the line between horror and softcore porn without quite stepping over it. There is certainly a truckload of nipples on hand here, but the audience’s unsavory desires are mostly fulfilled by the endless shots of gyrating, spandex-clad bodies than actual sex or active nudity. And those exploitative scenes have the added benefit of being a showcase of the most maniacally patterned, poorly color-blocked fitnesswear the decade had to offer. So gay or straight, 80’s lover or hater, there’s something there for you to sit and stare at with goggle-eyed awe.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg, as far as retro absurdity is concerned. A 1987 slasher movie about one of the decade’s biggest fads is the exact place to find some perfectly aged, fermented-just-to-the-point-of-rotting synthcrap songs for the record books. The soundtrack is a Frankensteinian grotesque, created by distilling Olivia Newton John and Cyndi Lauper, pouring it onto a John Carpenter riff, and overboiling it until is surpasses maybe even the Crystal Light “Champions” track as the best eldritch synthesizer nightmare with which to fuel your hardbody herky jerky.

I’m still not sure I’d actually recommend Killer Workout, because they play a dangerous game with the sheer amount of filler stuffed into its altogether brief run time (aside from the endless workout footage that may actually feature some Crystal Light athletes come to think of it, we get a clearly reshot sequence of graffiti-ers getting slashed up with a knife that in no way ties in with the plot or even the killer’s M.O., and a drearily extended sequence where the terrible Lt. Morgan tells us his father’s life story) and other than three or four cardboard characters, everyone else might as well be played by a Lycra unitard full of potatoes for all the dimensionality they’re given. And let’s not even pretend there was any chance it was going to be scary. No, Killer Workout is a goreless, milquetoast video relic that was mothballed for a reason, though it does feature its fair share of irresistible campy nonsense and frothy 80’s signifiers. It has far more rewatch value than a Majorettes or a Cutting Class, but it’s still just at the top of the middle. Slasher hounds should definitely make a pit stop here, but the casual horror fan can cruise on by without regrets.

Killer: [Rhonda Johnson (Marcia Karr)]

Final Girl: Rhonda Johnson (Marcia Karr)

Best Kill: When the token black girl is killed in the token shower sequence, it’s the one and only time a neck wound actually looks realistic, with blood flowing out between her fingers in chilling bursts.

Sign of the Times: Feast your eyes and ears:

Scariest Moment: A girl in a car tries to avoid a long knife that’s rapidly piercing through the roof of her convertible.

Weirdest Moment: Rhonda walks in on Jaimy just kinda staring at a jock strap and testing its elasticity.

Champion Dialogue: “Just relax, it’s not like I’m some kind of crazy killer!”

Body Count: 13; not counting a slit throat in an unnecessarily padded dream sequence.

1. Rachael is safety pinned to death.
2. Diane is safety pinned to death.
3. Curtis is safety pinned in the neck.
4. Tagger Girl #1 has her throat slit.
5. Tagger Girl #2 is stabbed in the heeded.
6. Weight Lifter has his face smashed with a barbell.
7. Brad is safety pinned in the forehead.
8. Tommy is safety pinned to death.
9. Jaimy is hanged.
10. Kathy is killed offscreen.
11. Chuck is stabbed with a screwdriver.
12. Jimmy is shot to death.
13. Lt. Morgan is hit in the heed with a shovel.

TL;DR: Killer Workout is halfway an 80's bad-good gem, but the milquetoast kills don't drag it across the finish line.

Rating: 5/10

Word Count: 1345

Census Bloodbath: Fright Flashback: Bad Cops

Welcome to Fright Flashback, where every week until the end of summer we will revisit an older horror film that is in some way a spiritual precursor to an upcoming new release. This week, we are anticipating Let's Be Cops, an alright-looking comedy about the two dudes from New Girl dressing up as cops and wreaking havoc about town. Today we'll explore a more evil film exploring the same premise, the 1988 slasher Maniac Cop.

Year: 1988

Director: William Lustig

Cast: Tom Atkins, Bruce Campbell, Laurene Landon
Run Time: 1 hour 25 minutes
MPAA Rating: R

Writer/producer Larry Cohen was behind some of the most beloved cult classics of the 80's, including It's Alive, The Stuff, and Q, The Winged Serpent. I am ashamed to say that I have seen none of these. In fact, the only work of his I'd seen before yesterday was the 1996 DTV Fourth of July venture Uncle Sam. Obviously, I have some deep issues to correct with my movie-watching, but there's hardly a better place to start than his first collaboration with director William Lustig, of the uniquely under-appreciated Maniac (I like him, but the man's not terribly creative when it comes to naming movies, is he?).

This film shows an even deeper, more thematic portrayal of the New York City underworld than Maniac, although thanks to its release date eight years later (after the rise and fall of the slasher genre) it doesn't quite have the same visceral impact. What is does have, however, is Cohen, who gamely brings to the table a sense of knowing exactly how to please the B-picture audience even without high-impact gore.

Bruce Campbell in a white V-neck is one of those ways.

Maniac Cop tells the story of Lieutenant McCrae (Tom Atkins), a wizened cop who's tracking a killing spree supposedly perpetrated by a man in uniform. After the force detains the young Officer Jack Forrest (Bruce Campbell) following the murder of his wife - which occured moments after she caught him in bed with vice officer Theresa Mallory (Laurene Landon) - they think they case is more closed than a Blockbuster, but McCrae isn't so sure.

Neither are we, since the killer wears a name badge reading "Cordell" in the title sequence. Thus begins a race against the clock as McCrae and Theresa search for the legendary Officer Matt Cordell (Robert Z'Dar), who supposedly died years ago, and clear Jack's name.

That plot doesn't sound too much like a slasher movie. And Maniac Cop doesn't feel too much like a slasher movie. It absolutely is, considering its body count and its first act (in which two scenes repeat endlessly - civilian gets killed, cops discuss, lather, rinse, repeat), but it aspires to be much more than that, throwing in elements of crime procedural and hardboiled detective mystery (the mystery more pertains to how and why the killings are occurring rather than who is performing them - again, the name tag kinda deflates the suspense there).

Seriously, I'm not kidding. It's practically the first frame of the movie.

While it's not exactly what one would expect from a movie called Maniac Cop (for crying out loud), the mystery is engaging and the subtextual material hits a nerve. The killer is taking advantage of the public's trust of men in uniform, luring them into a false sense of security before he exterminates them. It really makes you think about the fact that law enforcement officials are real people. People with guns, fighting skills, and motives entirely hidden from us.

This isn't to say that one shouldn't trust the police or that law enforcement is inherently bad, but it plays on very real fears about the nature of violence and trust. How do we know that this stranger really has the best intentions for us? We don't. Unfortunately, this thematic material is mostly lost in the second half, but when it is present, it is sharp and unsettling to the extreme.

Much like the Maniac Cop's baton knife.

By all means, Maniac Cop should be dreadfully dull, as most low budget procedurals tend to be. The cool slasher killings die down after the opening half hour and never return, replaced by offscreen massacres and indecipherably edited violence. Compound that with Campbell's absence for almost the entirety of the second act and any other movie would have stopped dead in its tracks.

But this movie, being in the hands its in, takes those blows and survives. Larry Cohen provides the film with some great one-liners and B-movie appeal, creating a loopy tone that the actors pick up on with no problem. A favorite of mine is William Smith (also of Memorial Valley Massacre) as Captain Ripley, a perpetually-sunglassed man with a gravelly voice who is able to thoroughly digest the scenery because he chews it so well. Then of course there's the obvious choices - Bruce Campbell and Tom Atkins don't disappoint - but Landon holds her own, relishing every vowel she gets to spit out.

And Lustig's direction, while not exactly groundbreaking, does more than it needs to with the material, providing shot compositions that give the film a bit more gravitas than it would with any old hack. It is an unusual slasher film in that there is more than one shot that is actually memorable in the entire affair. And a flashback attack in a prison shower is an inspired riff on Psycho. Also I would be loathe not to mention a great scene copied almost beat for beat in Scream, in which a girl uses her windshield wipers to try to clean off blood. The more 80's movies watch, the more I can piece together Kevin Williamson's DVD collection.

Unfortunately, this hairstyle was not an inspiration for Scream.

In addition to its solid visual and tonal foundation, Maniac Cop has one more element to recommend it - an astonishingly progressive treatment of its female characters. The first victim is, of course, a woman walking home alone at night, but before she runs afoul of the business end of a maniac cop, she singlehandedly fights off two muggers with her purse. We also see a powerful woman in the media make a splash, not to mention that the heroine is "the other woman," a character usually beset with foul stereotypes.

One of the benefits of steering clear of the slasher model is that the inherent misogyny in the formula is nearly eradicated. So there's more than enough good in Maniac Cop to compensate for some of the more egregious missteps. And there isn't any space for the duller moments thanks to the zippy run time. There's dozens of slashers I'd pop in before this one, but if you're looking for a more obscure good time, maybe give this one a whirl.

Killer: Matt Cordell (Robert Z'Dar)

Final Girl: Theresa Mallory (Laurene Landon) feat. Jack Forrest (Bruce Campbell)
Best Kill: A man has his face pressed into wet concrete, which dries overnight.
Sign of the Times: The coroner is buried under one of the most heart-wrecnching mullets of all time; someone makes a comment about the killing spree being "bigger than AIDS."

Scariest Moment: The attack scene in the shower is electrifying.

Weirdest Moment: A couple decides to make out because a red light is taking too long.
Champion Dialogue: "This isn't about romance. It's about murder."
Body Count: 17; not including an offscreen victim reported in the paper, two policemen mentioned but not seen in the station massacre, or the mayor who dies in the extended cut.

1. Cassie has her neck snapped.
2. Sam is slashed and thrown onto a windshield.
3. Some Dude has his face pressed into wet concrete.
4. Cop #1 is shot in the head by a frightened woman.
5. Ellen has her throat slit.
6. Cop #2 is hung offscreen.
7. Sally is slammed into a wall repeatedly.
8. Cop #3 has his face slammed into metal bars offscreen.
9. Cop #4 is strangled with handcuffs offscreen.
10. Cop #5 is hung offscreen.
11. Cop #6 is killed offscreen.
12. McCrae is thrown out a window.
13. Commissioner Pike is stabbed in the chest.
14. Captain Ripley is stabbed in the chest.
15. Cop #9 is stabbed in the stomach.
16. Security Guard is hit with a van.
17. Cop #10 is shot in the chest. 

TL;DR: Maniac Cop is a little uneven, but is one of the better crime procedural slashers with some good B-movie charm.
Rating: 7/10

Word Count: 1397