The Spy Who Shagged Me

Year: 2018

Director: Francis Lawrence

Cast: Jennifer Lawrence, Joel Edgerton, Matthias Schoenaerts 

Run Time: 2 hours 19 minutes 

MPAA Rating: R

Hey guys, did you know that when young women grow up, they become sexy? Jennifer Lawrence wasn't a Disney kid so people didn't find her transition quite so jarring, but we're definitely at that point in her career now where "Katniss takes off her shirt for five seconds" is a selling point for a movie, so... do with that what you will, I guess.

Anyway, Red Sparrow!

It might have a color and a bird in the title, but trust me, it's no Black Swan.

In Red Sparrow, Bolshoi ballerina Dominika Egorova (Jennifer Lawrence) suffers a major injury that prevents her from ever being able to dance again. But it doesn't prevent her from f**king, so her creepy uncle Vanya "Not Putin" Egorov (Matthias Schoenaerts) enlists her against her will in the Sparrow program, which teaches young Russian nationals how to be super-deadly sex spies. She pretty much fails at every lesson, but nepotism, so she's put on an assignment to seduce American agent Nate Nash (Joel Edgerton), whose hilariously alliterative name proves that original novel author Jason Matthews might have real-world experience with these matters, but he's still a pulp writer at heart.

Anyway, she is supposed to seduce the name of a Russian mole out of Nate Nash, but she is attempting to find a way to escape her ties with the Russian government and work with the Americans. Or is she? Because she's still working for Russian interests throughout. Or is she?

And also she gives herself an Atomic Blonde haircut because that's the requirement for female spies in the 2010's.

Or IS it?

Red Sparrow is all over the place, frankly, but some of those places are pretty fun. For one thing, the violence in the film is shockingly R-rated. It pulls some Gone Girl-esque maneuvers to lull you into a false sense of stuffy-movie security before pulling the trigger on some showstopping gore gag or other. It's very gross, and it actually feels like you're watching a movie that 1) is made for adults, and 2) keeps you on your toes. Anything can happen at any time.

Unless that thing is sex. Because as much as it throws itself full steam into its rating when it comes to blood and guts, this movie's approach to sex is about as bold and prurient as a My Little Pony episode. Yes, we see boobs for a bit, and even a brief glimpse of a penis (Equality! We did it!), but I can't recall a single sex scene where both participants were as close to fully clothed as physically possible. And in some cases, it kinda isn't possible, unless they were using her underwear as a prophylactic.

I'm pretty sure they're doing it in this screenshot.

And then you have the problem of not a single person in this movie performing with their actual native accent. It adds a weird sheen of surreality to Red Sparrow that doesn't do it any favors. But while the Russian accents vary from questionable to still-questionable-but-performed-by-Charlotte-Rampling, they are eclipsed by Edgerton's sweaty, faux-American twang. It's not like he hasn't done this sort of thing before, but being generally the only American character in the film, there's nothing to distract from how bizarrely strained he is.

He's still a stud though, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Red Sparrow also takes an incredible risk by being a flat 40 minutes longer than it needs to be, an indulgence it entirely fails to justify. Sometimes you do get wrapped up in the spy movie antics (a montage in the third act provides the kind of pulpy fun you're craving), but mostly it's a wholly average thriller presented with a total lack of flair.

But it's time to bust out those Best Supporting Actress 2019 betting cards though, because twenty minutes of Red Sparrow is rescued by an entirely unlikely heroine: Mary-Louise Parker, playing an American senator's chief-of-staff who is briefly wrapped up in the twisty international affair. 

Her character is a boozy, salt-of-the-earth type played with a pitch-perfect ear for campy excess without spilling over the edges of the film. She's acting on an entirely different plane from the rest of the film, and she leaps directly into your face with pure, electric energy. Not since Andie MacDowell prowled her way through Magic Mike XXL has an entire movie been redeemed on the back of one powerful cougar.

Do I recommend the movie? Probably not, but sitting through it wasn't like Russian prison torture. That's about all I can say to vouch for this one, make of that what you will.

TL;DR: Red Sparrow is a totally fine spy thriller with some fun R-rated frills.

Rating: 6/10

Word Count: 806

To Kill A Mockingjay

Year: 2015

Director: Francis Lawrence

Cast: Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson, Liam Hemsworth

Run Time: 2 hours 17 minutes

MPAA Rating: PG-13

So, here we are at the end of yet another YA franchise, possibly the last teen lit blockbuster for a good long while, unless The 5th Wave pulls a Hail Mary opening weekend. The second half of the obligatorily split finale of the Hunger Games franchise, Mockingjay – Part 2 has no right to be as spectacularly bland as it is. The Hunger Games movies had been steadily improving, and when Mockingjay – Part 1 converted the worst half of the most insipid book into a gritty triumph of revolutionary filmmaking that tapped into the sociopolitical id of contemporary American culture, it seemed that the adaptation of the good half could only be a nigh-on masterpiece.

Alas. Katniss giveth and Katniss taketh away.

In case you couldn’t manage to get through the book, here’s the plot. Katniss Everdeen (Jennifer Lawrence) is the Mockingjay, a symbol of hope for the 13 rebelling districts of Panem, a dystopian future America ruled by the iron fist of the Capitol and President Snow (Donald Sutherland). Rebellion leader President Coin (Julianne Moore, whose filmography is a profound mystery) wants to use Katniss as a figurehead, but the proud young girl sneaks off to the front lines to assassinate Snow in revenge for his torture of her Games partner Peeta (Josh Hutcherson). Oh, and all that iron fist stuff. That too.

In the background, a love triangle between Katniss, Peeta, and Gale (Liam Hemsworth) quietly picks at its nails, waiting for somebody to care. Yadda yadda, Katniss, Gale, and Peeta end up infiltrating the war-torn Capitol with fisherman soldier Finnick Odair (Sam Claflin) and a troop of meatbag soldiers who aren’t sexy teens and can thus explode as needed to prove that the Capitol is indeed a very dangerous place.

Where’s Finnick? Odair he is.

The biggest triumph of Mockingjay – Part 1 is that it toned down literary Katniss’ tendency to screech like a hormonal parrot and break down sobbing in closets, in addition to the inclusion of several major scenes of war and rebellion that were not present in the source material. Inexplicably, despite featuring the exact same cast and crew (I’d be surprised if the end credits weren’t just cut and pasted back in), Mockingjay – Part 2 takes one look at those successes and tells them shove it, happily leaping into the mire of relentless moping and tedium.

I thought this portion of the story would be salvageable because it’s where most of the action takes place, but the painfully devoted adaptation merely results in holding the novel’s most glaring flaws under a 30 foot high microscope. Perhaps the most notorious is the stilted romance angle, which trudges ever onward, asking dazzling feats of chemistry from actors who could hardly care less and never actually giving Katniss a realistic choice between the two. And then there’s her bleating, asinine morality. 

Somehow the girl who wants to rip out Snow’s throat with her bare teeth and [SPOILERS publicly assassinates a woman during a well-attended ceremony] has a problem using TWO bombs against the enemy. I don’t condone any kind of killing and her stance on protecting civilians is airtight, but this sullen, hypocritical mewling is a trademark of an author who has completely lost control of her character. The movie happily hits this point over and over again, signed and dated in triplicate.

It’s all immensely frustrating, but the worst holdover from the novel is that, by focusing on Katniss’ POV, the story is robbed of a climax. The expanded scope of Part 1 gave me hope that Mockingjay would evade the same pitfalls, but alas. Instead of watching a finale, we gag on twenty minutes of slowly softening treacle.

Just in time for the holidays.

The one thing that could have saved Mockingjay – Part 2 is the action that permeates the second act. Despite one genuinely thrilling underground battle, the stakes here are lower than the Mariana Trench. Character deaths are flat and perfunctory, the narrative throughline is more than meaningless, and the film is all too keen to return to those moments of down time so Katniss can wring her hands about her dubious moral compass and which boy she would rather smooch.

Like it’s a hard decision.

However, it’s a disappointment, not a waste of time. If you’ve gotten this far through the series, you might as well finish it off. It won’t hurt you, it might just sting a little bit. Although almost ever shred of its potential is wasted (just like franchise icon Elizabeth Banks as Effie Trinkett, whose screentime is so short, it’s almost physically impossible to see her), there is still a great deal of talent poured into realizing this juvenile vision of a futuristic dystopia.

For one, the set design by Philip Messina is a delight, depicting a heavily stylized land of opulent decadence that has been laid to waste with detailed care. The mighty, off-kilter structures that dominate the screen are just as imposing as the sadistic regime they represent, and the empty streets of the comfort class paint a desolately gorgeous pictures.

Never mind the fact that its occupants are just sci-fi hipsters.

The cinematography, by third-timer Jo Willems is also a standout,. Though there are far fewer breathtaking compositions than his previous entries, he almost saves the crappy cop-out climax with some preternaturally beautiful framing that calls the film’s themes to mind far more effectively than its characters’ hemming and hawing.

Overall, Mockingjay- Part 2 is a serviceable popcorn flick, though it’s hardly ever a likable one. Just like Katniss, who packs a dozen arrows for a war, the film leaps into the fray totally unprepared for the trials to come. It caps off the series in a sufficiently basic way so it won’t anger fans, but as an ending to an increasingly promising film franchise, it falls dreadfully flat. I thought I knew why the caged bird sang, but now that chirpy tune has become a solemn funeral march. Goodbye Panem, and good riddance.

TL;DR: Mockingjay - Part 2 is a dull, inadequate end to an exponentially improving franchise.

Rating: 6/10

Word Count: 1038

Reviews In This Series

Catching Fire (Lawrence, 2013)

Mockingjay - Part 1 (Lawrence, 2014)

Mockingjay - Part 2 (Lawrence, 2015)