Level Two

Again, thanks to Freddy in Space for the inspiration to to this challenge. On with the next questions!

11. Most Ditzy [sic - this is from Twitter, sorry] Character: Julie James (Jennifer Love Hewitt)

The girl who somehow survives both I Know What You Did Last Summer and the insipid I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. During the course of the two films, Julie spends her time running full speed down the wrong track after red herrings, refusing to get out of the way when a killer is after her, and once even manages to get herself locked in a tanning bed. In fact, the entire plot of the second film is based on the fact the she doesn't know the capital of Brazil.

12. Favorite Horror Movie From the Past Year: You're Next (2013)

In my rave review for You're Next, I talked about the butt-kicking Australian lead, the whip smart dialogue, and the pitch perfect balance of terrifying and hilarious. This is all still true.

13. Best Impalement: Final Destination 3 (2006)

Just when it seems like everything is safe and a girl is saved from accidental lynching, a flag pole is sent launching straight through somebody's abdomen. The clincher? The flag says "Liberty or Death." God, I love these movies.

14. Killer Who Has the Best Weapon: Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund)

No need for a second thought on this one. I barely needed a first thought. Freddy Krueger's razor glove (designed by Wes Craven to emulate the common fear of animal claws) is one of the most creative and terrifying inventions of the horror genre. I have so much to say about A Nightmare on Elm Street, but you guys are just gonna have to wait on that. We've got a big day planned.

15. A Horror-Love Story: Cold Prey (2006)

The beautiful Jannicke (Ingrid Bolsø Berdal) is hesitant to move in with her boyfriend for fear of moving things too fast. The awkward and single Morten Tobias (Rolf Kristian Larsen) has been nursing a crush on her for quite some time. When their snowboarding group gets attacked by a deranged mountain man, the truths come out, but unfortunately Morten Tobias doesn't live long enough to see his dream realized. One of the only times my heart has been broken by a slasher film.

16. Best Throat Slicing: V/H/S 2 (2013)

Another one that I have previously talked about. In the segment "Safe Haven," directed by Gareth Evans and Timo Tjahjanto, a documentary crew visits the compound of a cult on what happens to be their Armageddon day. Things don't quite go as planned and the throat slitting is one of the most visceral and exciting gore effects in the entire film, which is chock full of bizarre and off-putting sights.

17. Favorite Sequel to a Horror: Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II (1987)

I love this film, and the whole Prom Night gang. While the original was a fairly run-of-the-mill slasher flick (although it did feature Leslie Nielsen and Jamie Lee Curtis and seven minutes of disco dancing), its sequel is an absolutely nutso balls-to-the-wall post-Nightmare on Elm Street special effects extravaganza that owes just as much to Carrie as it does to Freddy Krueger.

18. Best Horror Movie in the Woods: The Burning (1981)

I know I'm snubbing my beloved Friday the 13th series, but even I know they're bad movies.

With special effects by Tom Savini and a raft massacre scene that landed it on the Video Nasties list in the UK, The Burning is a surefire slasher classic. The first time I saw this film was at a midnight movie in LA with Shannon. I was expecting to show her first dumb slasher movie. I was disappointed. This movie is fantastic.

19. An Actor You Enjoyed to Watch Get Murdered: Michelle Trachtenberg

I. HATE. DAWN. SUMMERS.

The remake of Black Christmas was a dream come true.

20. Most Attractive Horror Movie Killer - Adam Carr (David Boreanaz)

Sorry about spoilers but mmmmmmmm....

I'm pretty sure David Boreanaz is an actual undead vampire because he has aged maybe three months since Buffy started in 1997. 

Valentine is an absolutely fabulous movie because of how much it sucks. Despite coming out after Scream and Buffy, two genre-bending self aware horror genre tentpoles, this film is still just a straightforward slasher flick, which I have a lot of respect for despite the stigma that comes attached to that.

Word Count: 746
Reviews in This Series
Horror Lover Challenge Part 1 (August 16, 2013)
Horror Lover Challenge Part 2 (August 25, 2013)
Horror Lover Challenge Part 3 (August 28, 2013)

New Decade. New Rules.

Any good horror fan knows the rules for how to survive a horror movie. Do you know the rules?

As outlined by Randy Meeks in Scream:

1. DO NOT have sex.
2. DO NOT drink or do drugs.
3. DO NOT say "I'll be right back."

These are the golden rules that will one day be embroidered on my modest but accommodating home's decorative throw pillows. However, there is a lot of ground that they don't cover. Yes, following these rules will help you get out alive, but in a cast of 12 to 15 nubile teens, only one or two of you will survive. The golden rules give you a step up, but in order to beat out the competition you need these

10 Ignored Rules For Surviving a Horror Movie

1. DO NOT hide.

Where It Could Have Helped: Friday the 13th, The Purge, The Prowler

I know it seems counterintuitive, and this one does have some exceptions. If the killer is in the room with you and absolutely will murder you to death if you reveal yourself, by all means stay hidden. Just hope he gives up quickly and moves on.

But if the killer is unconscious, in a known location, or just ploddingly slow as killers are wont to be, Speedy Gonzales your way outta there. Haul your sweet little hiney as fast as possible and don't look back. Killers are usually tied to a location and there's a certain distance you reach where you'll be out of the woods (in some cases literally). Hiding just prolongs potential facetime with your pursuer and you don't want that.

If you're staying still, he will eventually find you. If you try to emerge from your hiding place, he already did find you. If you're a receding cloud of dust in the distance, there's nothing he can do.


2. ALWAYS have your keys on you.

Where It Could Have Helped: Halloween, Slumber Party Massacre II, I Know What You Did Last Summer

You can't drive a car or open a locked door without the key. It's a simple concept, really. But when you're scrambling away from a twirling drill, you tend to forget about things other than RUN! If your keys are hung up on a hook or lying on the kitchen table, they are of no use to you and the killer has ample time to catch up with you - time you could be using to get the heck out of there.


3. DO NOT lean up against doorways.

Where It Could Have Helped: Hatchet III, Scream 4, Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, [REC]

The killer has likely already proven that he has superhuman strength, either by crushing your jock friend's skull or generally tossing your pals around like basketballs. Yes, it's great if you manage to get a locked door between you and your assailant, but his strength has not miraculously gone away. With a sturdy enough weapon (and the weapon is always sturdy enough), they can punch through that door like it's cellophane, gutting you in the process. So even if you need a rest, do it in the middle of the room. For Pete's sake.


4. ALWAYS break the glass.

Where It Could Have Helped: I Know What You Did Last Summer, Halloween

If the killer has you backed up against a glass door that is locked, wedged shut, or otherwise inaccessible, smash the bajeezus out of that glass like you're at a Jewish wedding and scamper away. That's the beauty of doors made out of breakable material. Grit your teeth and grab a chair or throw a couple front kicks and you're home free.


5. DO NOT drop your weapon.

Where It Could Have Helped: Friday the 13th Part 2, Halloween

I'm looking at you, Laurie Strode. Once the killer appears to be vanquished, hold onto that knife you got. Especially don't drop it next to his lifeless form and limp away. That's a good way to land yourself in a sequel, missie.


6. ALWAYS move.

Where It Could Have Helped: Cold Prey 2, Friday the 13th Part 2, I Know What You Did Last Summer

A killer is advancing on you with a knife. Do you A) duck and bolt or B) stand there and scream? If you answered B, congratulations! You're dead. Just like countless others before you.

I know shock can be paralyzing but if you just sit there and take it, you have absolutely zero chance of surviving unless somebody else is standing behind the killer toting a shotgun. And even then, you're living on borrowed time and likely to die a couple scenes later anyway.


7. DO NOT open the door immediately after the killer vanishes.

Where It Could Have Helped: Scream 4, too many others to name or even remember

So you've listened to me and you find yourself behind a locked door that you're wisely not leaning up against. The pounding stops and you hear footsteps heading down the hall. The coast is clear, right? Wrong. The killer is lying in wait and he will slash your throat the second you peep your little chickadee head out there. Wait. Wait forever. Wait until the Final Girl destroys him or until you see him outside your window. Only then can you know that doorway is safe for passage.


8. DO NOT be an autopsy technician.

Where It Could Have Helped: Hatchet III, Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon, Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday

I'm sorry for any aspiring morgue workers out there, but if you're living in a horror movie chances are you're going to come across a camp counselor massacre or two. And along with the pile of teen corpses will come an inexplicably massive shape on a gurney. This is the killer. Killing is his job, and he won't let death stop him from ripping you in half at your workstation.


9. ALWAYS double tap.

Where It Could Have Helped: Halloween, Scream, Cold Prey 2, Hellbent

Now, unless you're dealing with some sort of supernatural being like Freddy Krueger, your average serial killer is not indestructible, merely very resilient. At some point (especially if you're dealing with Ghostface, who seems to be particularly inept), you may get the killer unconscious on the ground after dealing a particularly heavy blow, or even shooting/stabbing him in a prime location. Whatever you do, don't you dare walk away. Kick him in the throat. Shoot him twenty times in the head. Cut him into pieces and burn the pieces. Cryogenically freeze the pieces and send them to Mars. Do whatever you need to do, but I guarantee you he isn't dead until you take the necessary steps.


10. DO NOT survive the first movie of a franchise.

Where It Could Have Helped: Friday the 13th Part 2, A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, Halloween: Resurrection, Alien 3, Final Destination 2

If these rules helped you, congratulations! But you'd better hope your movie bombs at the box office. Because if you wind up in the middle of a franchise... well, good luck to ya. You're a prime target for revenge, bloody accidents, and cash-in cameos.

Alice Hardy. Clear Rivers. Ellen Ripley. Nancy Thompson. None of them lived to see their final movie*. Heck, Laurie Strode died twice.

Pray your movie sucks.

*resurrections notwithstanding
Word Count: 1237

And the Blood Falls Like Rain

God help me, I do love these things.

And every time I think I'm finished, every time I think I've accumulated the most complete and accurate compendium of every possible slumming A to D-lister imaginable, a dozen more of them crop up unexpectedly, like bodies hidden behind closet doors.

So I hope you're not tired of them, because I'm certainly not! And I'm happy to be doing my first entry in this long-running series on a format that isn't Tumblr because that's just torture for this kind of thing.

TEN MORE CELEBRITIES YOU DIDN'T KNOW WERE IN SLASHER MOVIES

Jack Black

Famous for: High Fidelity, School of Rock, Tropic Thunder, Kung Fu Panda

Skeleton in the Closet: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998)

The most astonishing thing about this role (a Caribbean stoner) is that it is possibly the most annoying character he has ever played. You'd think he'd have saved that for a more high profile film. At least his death is cathartic.

Brittany Snow 

Famous for: Pitch Perfect, John Tucker Must Die, Guiding Light

Skeleton in the Closet: Prom Night (2008)

I hold an obscene amount of love for the delightfully off-kilter Prom Night franchise. This is the American reboot of the original 1980 Canadian film starring Jamie Lee Curtis (similar only nominally), and Snow stars as our resident final girl, which is alright with me. Despite its PG-13 blandness, Prom Night is still high up on my list of lovable remakes.

To be fair, the genre of slasher reboots is a desolate wasteland with nary an oasis, so that's not saying much.

Carrie Fisher 

Famous for: The Man with One Red Shoe, The Time Guardian

Skeleton in the Closet: Sorority Row (2009)

Sorority Row is another surprisingly OK reboot, this time of 1983's The House on Sorority Row. Fisher plays the Conveniently Absent for 70% of the Film House Mother.

Bonus: She also plays Magical Exposition Secretary in Scream 3.

David Boreanaz 

Famous for: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Bones, my bedroom wall

Skeleton in the Closet: Valentine (2001)

D'awwwwww... Who's a good little alcoholic serial killer? You are! You are! Good boy...

I've mentioned this film before, because it also stars a pre-Valentine's Day Katherine Heigl. It's fun to imagine somebody switching the DVDs on Netflix by accident.

Linda Blair

Famous for: The Exorcist, your nightmares

Skeleton in the Closet: Hell Night (1981)

1981 was a good year to be a slasher movie and are those seriously her breasts? I feel wrong all over.

Henry Winkler

Famous for: Happy Days, Arrested Development

Skeleton in the Closet: Scream (1996)

Henry Winkler plays the batty Principal Himbry who threatens students with scissors and is all around a pretty cool guy. He also keeps spare suits in a wardrobe in his office, so you know he's on top of things. He might have made school superintendent if it weren't for that pesky Ghostface.

Portia de Rossi
Famous for: Arrested Development, Better Off Ted, marrying Ellen DeGeneres, flawlessness

Skeleton in the Closet: Scream 2 (1997)

EYEBROWS. EYEBROWS. EYEBROWS.

This is actually a common problem throughout de Rossi's career, but most of the time they're less... Well, let's just say this is the scariest scene in the movie.


Patrick Dempsey

Famous for: Grey's Anatomy, Made of Honor, Enchanted

Skeleton in the Closet: Scream 3 (2000)

Dempsey plays the movie-loving Detective Kincaid/potential-killer-but-not-really-because-the-actual-identity-of-the-killer-is-f*cking-weird-and-also-he-has-a-magical-21st-century-voice-box-machine-that-can-make-him-sound-like-Courteney-Cox.

Champion Dialogue:

Sidney: "What's your favorite scary movie?"
Kincaid: "My life."

Michelle Williams

Famous for: Dawson's Creek, My Week With Marilyn, Brokeback Mountain

Skeleton in the Closet: Halloween H20 (1998)

I had no idea who she was when I watched this, and next time I watch it I still won't care because JAMIE LEE CURTIS IS BACK. However, here she is.

Jennifer Aniston 

Famous for: Friends, Office Space, Horrible Bosses

Skeleton in the Closet: Leprechaun (1993)

Most of you probably knew this one, but I'm so proud that Rachel Green got her start in one of the most baffling horror franchises of the day.

Word Count: 669