C (S) U Later

It is with heavy heart (and backpack) that I inform you of the beginning of CSULB's fall 2013 semester, meaning that I will be unable to post daily on this site, and most likely not very frequently at all. I'm taking five classes, TAing a sixth, on the board for the GSA, and working so I'll barely have time to watch movies, let alone write about them.

I'm gonna do my best though, and I know this is hard on you so I've made you a little back-to-school present,

10 TV Shows to Watch on Netflix Instead of Doing Homework

30 Rock (2006 - 2013)

Seasons: 7

Time Wasted: 2 days 2 hours 36 minutes

OK, so the seventh season technically isn't on Netflix yet but it will be soon! If they answer my prayers.

30 Rock is a witty behind-the-scenes comedy that is a not-so-veiled look at Tina Fey's life as the head writer of SNL. She plays socially inept Liz Lemon, a woman on a quest to balance work, love, and having it all. And eat as many sandwiches as she possibly can.

With Alec Baldwin as her boss (a man as conservative as he is wealthy) and mentor, providing 30 Rock's core, the show survived way more seasons than the ratings should have allowed by always remaining as sharp and clever as the very first episode.

Also featuring Jack McBrayer, Tracy Morgan, and Jane Krakowski.

Scrubs (2001-2010)

Seasons: 9

Time Wasted: 2 days 18 hours 44 minutes

A screwball comedy set in Sacred Heart Hospital, Zach Braff plays J.D., a young intern on his way to becoming a doctor. Chock full of fast-paced gags, creative fantasy sequences, and a surprising amount of heart, Scrubs is so good that you won't even notice that the last two seasons mostly suck. 

Also featuring Donald Faison, John C. McGinley, and Sarah Chalke.

Arrested Development (2003-2013)

Seasons: 4
Time Wasted: 1 day 3 hours 35 minutes

Quite simply one of the funniest sitcoms ever. The story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son (Jason Bateman) who had no choice but to keep them all together, it's... Arrested Development.

Full of structural humor, bizarre in-jokes, and zippy punch lines that keep you on your toes, this show bombed in initial ratings, leading Fox to cancel it after three increasingly short seasons. Netflix picked it up for a fourth. Reviews were mixed, but the new season returns to the characters with as much zeal and wild experimentation as ever.

Also featuring Will Arnett, Portia de Rossi, and Michael Cera.

How I Met Your Mother (2005 - Present)

Seasons: 8

Time Wasted: 2 days 19 hours 28 minutes

With one season not yet on Netflix and another (its last) in production, HIMYM still has some crackle in it yet. Although the main premise, Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor) telling his kids the tale of... how he met their mother has long since worn thin, the show is kept alive with a brilliant ensemble cast - the first show since Friends to truly succeed with the "twentysomethings hang out in a place" formula.

Also featuring Alyson Hannigan, Jason Segel, and Neil Patrick Harris.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005 - Present)

Seasons: 8 (with a ninth on the way)

Time Wasted: 1 day 10 hours 28 minutes

The simple story of a bunch of self-centered lunkheads who own a bar in South Philadelphia is a pitch black comedy starring Charlie Day. Mostly improvised and never tame, It's Always Sunny panders in filthy humor, shrill arguments, and the hilarious antics of truly awful people.

In the second season, Danny DeVito joined the cast as the disgusting Frank Reynolds, a role he was clearly born for.

Also featuring Rob McElhenny, Glenn Howerton, and Kaitlin Olson.

Undeclared (2001 - 2002)

Seasons: 1

Time Wasted: 6 hours 14 minutes

Judd Apatow's college comedy and spirit sequel to his cult classic Freaks and Geeks, Undeclared is the story of Steven Karp (Jay Baruchel), a nerdy kid trying to reinvent himself in his first year of college. Perfectly capturing the drama and the magic of freshman year, Undeclared will have you looking back fondly on your first college friends, overbearing RAs, and the time when Adam Sandler was still relevant.

Also featuring Seth Rogen, Charlie Hunnam, and Monica Keena.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997 - 2003)

Seasons: 7

Time Wasted: 4 days 12 hours

Buffy is Joss Whedon's ultimate cult classic. Taking the horror trope of the Final Girl and turning it on its head, Buffy stars a butt-kicking Sarah Michelle Gellar as the Chosen One of Sunnydale High, defending the world from vampires, demons, and creatures that go bump in the night.

Also featuring my lover David Boreanaz, Alyson Hannigan, and Nicholas Brendon.

Twin Peaks (1990 - 1991)

Seasons: 2

Time Wasted: 23 hours 18 minutes

Twin Peaks is David Lynch's surreal masterpiece of small town intrigue. Kyle MacLachlan stars as Special Agent Dale Cooper as he searches for the answer to the question on everybody's lips: Who killed Laura Palmer?

Also featuring Michael Ontkean, Mädchen Amick, and Dana Ashbrook.

Portlandia (2011 - Present)

Seasons: 3 (so far)

Time Wasted: 9 hours 54 minutes

Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein's sharp satire skewers Portland, the hipster capital of the world. As with most sketch comedy, it's sometimes a mixed bag, but it is always insightful, hilarious, and full of weird celebrity cameos.

Also featuring Kyle MacLachlan, Chloë Sevigny, and Aubrey Plaza.

The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret (2010 - 2012)

Seasons: 2

Time Wasted: 4 hours 24 minutes

Simultaneously uproariously funny and oppressively dark, Todd Margaret is an acquired taste. Starring David Cross as a bumbling corporate employee sent across the pond to sell a putrid energy drink, this BBC comedy is crass, sophisticated, wry, and exceedingly British.

Also featuring Will Arnett, Sharon Hogan, and Blake Harrison.

And because I have my super anticipated horror class today, I would be remiss if I didn't include

BONUS: Five Horror Films to Watch on Netflix Instead of Writing Your Essay

Dead Snow (Død Snø) (2009)

Time Wasted: 1 hour 32 minutes

A bitingly fun Norwegian zombie comedy that pays magnificent homage to the gore pictures of yore.

Featuring Jeppe Beck Laursen, Vegar Hoel, and Charlotte Frogner.

Read my full review here.

The Evil Dead (1981)

Time Wasted: 1 hour 25 minutes

Essentially the movie Dead Snow pays homage to in the highest, The Evil Dead is Sam Raimi's gleefully gory, somewhat campy (the outrageously slapstick humor of its sequel is not present, although the film does have some comedic elements) zombie flick that isn't really about zombies.

Candarian demons are released by an accidental reading of a passage from the Book of the Dead and attack five unwitting college students spending their break in a secluded cabin in the woods.

Featuring Bruce Campbell, Ellen Sandweiss, and Richard Demanincor.

Re-Animator (1985)

Time Wasted: 1 hour 26 minutes

What can I say? Netflix is really on top of zombie movies. Re-Animator is the tale of med student Herbert West, whose experiments with a serum to bring the dead back to life go terribly awry.

Read my full review here.

Featuring Bruce Abbott, Jeffrey Combs, and Barbara Crampton.

The Host (Goemul) (2006)

Time Wasted: 1 hour 59 minutes

This Korean monster movie has it all. Monster kidnappings, shoreline mayhem, and a surprising vein of  good humor and family satire.

Featuring Kang-ho Song, Hie-bong Byeon, and Hae-il Park.

The Initiation (1984)

Time Wasted: 1 hour 36 minutes

How could I not include a slasher movie? The Initiation is the story of a sorority hazing gone very wrong. I'll cover this one on Census Bloodbath before you know it, but I'll call it now. It's one of the top 5 films of the year.

Featuring Daphne Zuniga, Hunter Tylo, and Vera Miles.

Have a good day at school, everyone! (And screw you, UC people!)

Word Count: 1323

And Now, A Very Special Episode of Popcorn Culture

Today is a great day. Not only do I get to showcase the writing of a cohort of mine, I don't have to do as much work!

Today's post is brought to you by my partner in blogging, Penelope Queerwater. The only hand I had in this was some minor formatting. As promised, I present to you

The Top 10 Most Gay Marryable California Actresses

Like Brennan promised, here is the list of the top ten most gay marry-able leading ladies who were born in Californi-gay. I, Penelope Queerwater, will be your guide into the few things Brennan actually doesn't know much about. Specifically, vagina affairs and synchronized swimming. (Synchronized swimming is a complete mystery to him.) Ready? OK!

Basically, I am willing to forget the previously declared sexual orientations, the supposed relationships already in place, and the fact that I am not at all ready to be that committed to someone and say "Hey, Gay's Okay now, so let's have a Gay old time and get married." …Ladies.

#10 Allison Scagliotti

Hometown: Monterey

Known For: Warehouse 13, Drake and Josh

My dear, dear Aly Scags. Originally I fell in love with her character Claudia Donovan on Warehouse 13, because Claud is edgy and cool and witty and basically who I want as a girlfriend, but alas her character gets slightly dumber around boys, like a lot of women characters do. BUT everything is okay because Aly is apparently even cooler than her character and is crazy into music AND a huge supporter of the LGBT+ community. 

#9 Emma Caulfield

Hometown: San Diego

Known For: Buffy the Vampire Slayer

I don't think I've seen her in anything from this decade but I DON'T CARE. She's the actress who played Anya, my favorite character on Buffy, and guess what, she's still rather hilarious and gorgeous and I miss her on my television screen. So yeah, Anya.

#8 Alex Breckenridge

Hometown: Mill Valley

Known For: American Horror Story, She's the Man

Basically, this woman is captivating. Anyone who has seen the first season of American Horror Story would agree, because she plays the seductive maid who is always trying to get in Dylan McDermott's pants, even if it means a steamy scene between her and Mena Suvari. I am definitely not complaining. Suddenly, when people make jokes about role play in maid's uniforms, I get it, because if every maid's uniform came with an Alex Breckenridge, I would stay home to watch my house get cleaned more.

#7 Kaley Cuoco

Hometown: Camarillo

Known For: The Big Bang Theory, Being the Negotiator's daughter on TV

I jumped on the cookoo for cuoco train after laughing at the Big Bang Theory while being amazed that someone could actually bring back the 90's midriff. (Seriously, why did that ever go out of style?). Kaley reminds me of Britney Spears in her younger, prior to the Meltdown of 2007 days. Can you see it? Kinda? And just think, if Madonna and Britney could kiss, who knows what could happen in 2013. Oh wait, I do! Marriage.

#6 Lizzy Caplan

Hometown: Los Angeles

Known For: Mean Girls, New Girl, Cloverfield

Lizzy Caplan, I have a BIG LESBIAN CRUSH ON YOU.

#5 Kristen Stewart

Hometown: Los Angeles

Known For: Twilight, The Runaways

I am not going to insist that a person's sexual orientation is not what they say it is, because it's up to the person blah blah blah BUT I solidly believe that KStew's most believable role is when she played Joan Jett in The Runaways. And who doesn't want to be the girl to walk down the aisle to KStew, though I wouldn't doubt if Charlize Theron proposed to her first.

#4 Mae Whitman

Hometown: Los Angeles

Known For: Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Arrested Development

I was bi-furious prior to the prop 8 repeal yesterday. Now I'm in lesbians with everyone- legally. Mae Whitman is going to be a big deal real soon, so better to get married before she takes off, right?

#3 Alia Skawcat

Hometown: Riverside

Known For: Arrested Development, Whip It

Must I say it? MARRY ME. I hope that the fact that gay marriage is now legal won't take the taboo out of our relationship… or maybe I can rig ancestry.com to say that we're also cousins.

#2 Krysta Rodriguez

Hometown: Orange

Known For: Smash, The Addams Family Musical, a Dominoes commercial

When I saw Krysta on broadway starring as Wednesday in the Addams Family Musical, I was pulled in a new direction. Brennan's New York love was Andy "Floppy" Mientus, and mine was Krysta. What can I say? I get talent lady boners, and KRod's belt makes my hair stand on end. If I had lived in New York when gay marriage was legalized I would have asked her then, but now I just have to wait for her to come this way. KRYSTA DO MORE ACTOR-Y THINGS IN LA.

#1 Jennifer Aniston

Hometown: Los Angeles

Known For: Friends, being divorced by Brad Pitt

Look, Jennifer is the older version of Taylor Swift without the sappy love songs that I admittedly can't get out of my head. One of the reasons her relationships just haven't worked out is that she hasn't found the right… sexual orientation. Come to the dyke side, Jenn. We have vegan cookies.

And there you have it. May all your marriages, and my imaginary ones be magical.

~Penelope Queerwater 6/28/2013
Word Count: 913

And the Blood Falls Like Rain

God help me, I do love these things.

And every time I think I'm finished, every time I think I've accumulated the most complete and accurate compendium of every possible slumming A to D-lister imaginable, a dozen more of them crop up unexpectedly, like bodies hidden behind closet doors.

So I hope you're not tired of them, because I'm certainly not! And I'm happy to be doing my first entry in this long-running series on a format that isn't Tumblr because that's just torture for this kind of thing.

TEN MORE CELEBRITIES YOU DIDN'T KNOW WERE IN SLASHER MOVIES

Jack Black

Famous for: High Fidelity, School of Rock, Tropic Thunder, Kung Fu Panda

Skeleton in the Closet: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998)

The most astonishing thing about this role (a Caribbean stoner) is that it is possibly the most annoying character he has ever played. You'd think he'd have saved that for a more high profile film. At least his death is cathartic.

Brittany Snow 

Famous for: Pitch Perfect, John Tucker Must Die, Guiding Light

Skeleton in the Closet: Prom Night (2008)

I hold an obscene amount of love for the delightfully off-kilter Prom Night franchise. This is the American reboot of the original 1980 Canadian film starring Jamie Lee Curtis (similar only nominally), and Snow stars as our resident final girl, which is alright with me. Despite its PG-13 blandness, Prom Night is still high up on my list of lovable remakes.

To be fair, the genre of slasher reboots is a desolate wasteland with nary an oasis, so that's not saying much.

Carrie Fisher 

Famous for: The Man with One Red Shoe, The Time Guardian

Skeleton in the Closet: Sorority Row (2009)

Sorority Row is another surprisingly OK reboot, this time of 1983's The House on Sorority Row. Fisher plays the Conveniently Absent for 70% of the Film House Mother.

Bonus: She also plays Magical Exposition Secretary in Scream 3.

David Boreanaz 

Famous for: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Bones, my bedroom wall

Skeleton in the Closet: Valentine (2001)

D'awwwwww... Who's a good little alcoholic serial killer? You are! You are! Good boy...

I've mentioned this film before, because it also stars a pre-Valentine's Day Katherine Heigl. It's fun to imagine somebody switching the DVDs on Netflix by accident.

Linda Blair

Famous for: The Exorcist, your nightmares

Skeleton in the Closet: Hell Night (1981)

1981 was a good year to be a slasher movie and are those seriously her breasts? I feel wrong all over.

Henry Winkler

Famous for: Happy Days, Arrested Development

Skeleton in the Closet: Scream (1996)

Henry Winkler plays the batty Principal Himbry who threatens students with scissors and is all around a pretty cool guy. He also keeps spare suits in a wardrobe in his office, so you know he's on top of things. He might have made school superintendent if it weren't for that pesky Ghostface.

Portia de Rossi
Famous for: Arrested Development, Better Off Ted, marrying Ellen DeGeneres, flawlessness

Skeleton in the Closet: Scream 2 (1997)

EYEBROWS. EYEBROWS. EYEBROWS.

This is actually a common problem throughout de Rossi's career, but most of the time they're less... Well, let's just say this is the scariest scene in the movie.


Patrick Dempsey

Famous for: Grey's Anatomy, Made of Honor, Enchanted

Skeleton in the Closet: Scream 3 (2000)

Dempsey plays the movie-loving Detective Kincaid/potential-killer-but-not-really-because-the-actual-identity-of-the-killer-is-f*cking-weird-and-also-he-has-a-magical-21st-century-voice-box-machine-that-can-make-him-sound-like-Courteney-Cox.

Champion Dialogue:

Sidney: "What's your favorite scary movie?"
Kincaid: "My life."

Michelle Williams

Famous for: Dawson's Creek, My Week With Marilyn, Brokeback Mountain

Skeleton in the Closet: Halloween H20 (1998)

I had no idea who she was when I watched this, and next time I watch it I still won't care because JAMIE LEE CURTIS IS BACK. However, here she is.

Jennifer Aniston 

Famous for: Friends, Office Space, Horrible Bosses

Skeleton in the Closet: Leprechaun (1993)

Most of you probably knew this one, but I'm so proud that Rachel Green got her start in one of the most baffling horror franchises of the day.

Word Count: 669