So Chic, C'est Freak

Year: 1995

Director: Stuart Gordon

Cast: Jeffrey Combs, Barbara Crampton, Jonathan Fuller

Run Time: 1 hour 30 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

Producer Charles Band, composer Richard Band, director Stuart Gordon, and stars Jeffrey Combs and Barbara Crampton are the team behind two of my favorite 80’s horror films: Re-Animator and From Beyond. That entire team would band together just once more, on 1995’s Castle Freak, likewise loosely based on an H. P. Lovecraft story (this time “The Outsider”). It’s a recipe for success, but the kitchen it was prepared in wasn’t quite the same.

You see, in the nine long years between 1986’s From Beyond and Castel Freak, Charles Band’s Empire Pictures folded, giving way to his new company, Full Moon Productions. Now, Empire wasn’t exactly a gleaming, state-of-the-art facility (Ghoulies and Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-Rama aren’t exactly the products of a four star enterprise), but it produced a string of solid horror features like Crawlspace and Intruder. Full Moon on the other hand, is notable almost entirely for grimy swill with the budget of a handful of croutons. The company behind the endlessly sprawling Puppet Master and Gingerdead Man franchises, it’s pretty much the only studio that could actually make Empire seem prestigious.

How does this affect the success of Castle Freak? Well, we’re about to find out.

Spoiler: There’s a reason you haven’t heard of Castle Freak.

In Castle Freak, John Reilly (Jeffrey Combs) discovers that he has inherited an Italian castle from a long-lost aunt. He takes his wife Susan (Barbara Crampton) and their blind daughter Rebecca (Jessica Dollarhide) along while he inventories the contents. He and Susan have been on bad terms since he killed their five-year-old son and blinded their daughter in a drunk driving accident. He has since gotten his “#1 Dad” mug revoked, but it does not help in the slightest that a Freak (Jonathan Fuller) who has been chained up in the basement has gotten loose and is committing foul murders that John is being blamed for.

It’s your classic Hitchcock setup.

Alright, no more beating around the bush. The drop in quality between Gordon’s Empire work and Castle Freak is so steep it’s not even fair. The budget severely curtails the director’s signature gooey grossness (although the gore that remains is anything but chaste) and the movie reeks of cheapness like a Big Lots perfume department. The cast is small, the props are ratty (especially noteworthy is a silver platter with a dull plastic sheen that would feel more at home in a Barbie playset), and the locations feel very stagebound. That last factor is very odd, considering that the film was shot in an actual castle owned by Charles Band because of course he owns a castle, but the plain walls, low ceilings, and general lack of grandeur (we only see about 6 of what are purportedly 150 rooms) make the whole thing feel like it could have been shot in a trailer park.

However, despite its blatant inferiority, Castle Freak has a few very unique compensations. Because Gordon’s gore is cut off at the knees, so to speak, the film blossoms in other areas. You see, Castle Freak is actually a pretty solid little family drama. Three-dimensional characters aren’t exactly a hallmark of the Re-Animator franchise, so the taut but effective relationships that are trotted out here are quite a lovely surprise. The finale is a little reductive and diminishes the two strong female characters into babbling damsels in distress, but the way the drama is developed is very organic and raw.

It’s not introduced all at once, but in slow dollops that turn up the heat on the pressure cooker. The family seems perfectly happy and normal until, drop by drop, a series of subtle revelations taint the water. The film doesn’t spell everything out, allowing the audience to make connections and really engage with the storyline. And the characters are sufficiently fleshed-out to the degree that every single one of them is identifiable and worth rooting for. It’s nothing complex, but it is solid and satisfying storytelling.

The beauty of Popcorn Culture is that this heavy structural analysis is bestowed upon a film where a Castle Freak bites off a hooker’s boob.

The true benefit of this meatier drama is that Barbara Crampton gives her best performance of her time with Stuart Gordon, possibly of her career. Thanks to her, and Fuller’s menacing, lumbering presence as the titular Freak, there’s an added layer of suspense and fear that likewise aren’t present in Gordon’s superior but not quite abjectly terrifying works.

So there really is a lot going for Castle Freak as a cheapie horror picture. It’s certainly a masterpiece among its unimpressive Full Moon brethren. But where the other films triumphed with goofy, enormous gore gags, Castle Freak is limited to a handful of vaguely realized kills that are creatively naughty (ie. the aforementioned boobectomy) but far from satisfying to hardcore gorehounds. If the drama had a less desultory ending I could forgive the film more, but as it stands it’s a cheap, visually uninteresting motion picture without a deep end. Just when you think it’ll go further, it remains shallow all the way to the other side.

TL;DR: Castle Freak doesn't hold a candle to Stuart Gordon's other H. P. love craft adaptations, but it has some meaty drama and solid tension.

Rating: 6/10
Word Count: 902

Tricks and Treats

Year: 2015

Run Time: 1 hour 32 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

I was very excited to see Tales of Halloween, a holiday anthology film that features a very unique group of indie directors and actors, many of whom I personally know. I learned a very important lesson from this screening: Don’t write reviews where your friends can read them.

Don’t get me wrong, the film isn’t awful, but the relative quality of each segment makes for some wild swings across either end of the spectrum. At the end of the day, it’s a fun flick with a real sense of community (cemented in by bucketloads of cameos and lots of crossover performers that highlight the fact that every story takes place in the same town) made for the most microscopic of budgets, so it can be forgiven  few flaws. There’s a patch in the middle that is a rough trudge to get through, but it comes out sparkly clean by the time the substantial credits roll.

What follows is a review of each individual segment in order, capped off by a ranking of the worst to the best.

Sweet Tooth

Director: Dave Parker

Cast: Daniel DiMaggio, Madison Iseman, Hunter Smit

A vengeful ghost pursues those who don't save him any Halloween candy.

Sweet Tooth is an excellent place to begin any proper Halloween anthology. It’s intrinsically focused on the childlike perception of the holiday as a night of sweet candy joy laced with spooky figures lurking in the shadows. It also introduces a compelling local legend, a boogeyman used to scare kids away from overindulging on treats. Sweet Tooth is simple, compact, and bloody, just right for a night of cinematic trick or treating.

Fun-Size Treat: One of the candies is called a Carpenter Bar, which is a sly reference to the Halloween auteur but probably doesn’t taste very good.

The Night Billy Raised Hell

Director: Darren Lynn Bousman

Cast: Barry Bostwick, Marcus Eckert, Christophe Zajac-Denek

A young kid attempts to egg an elderly neighbor's house and learns what a real Halloween prank is.

The Night Billy Raised Hell is an organic but regrettable follow-up to Sweet Tooth. It carries on that short’s sense of glib spooky fun with a stellar twist attached, but it’s over marinated in humor There are several reasonably diverting twists on Halloween pranks that escalate to absurd levels, but the short is marred by some truly unfortunate sound design. As the lead actor hams around like a Keystone stooge, wacky effects accompany his every move like he’s on one of those awful wacky radio shows. It’s an immensely frustrating, over-the-top approach to what could have been a taut, reasonably silly piece.

Fun-Size Treat: The final coda as the segment cuts to black is by far the best-timed punch line of the whole film.

Trick

Director: Adam Gierasch

Cast: John F. Beach, Tiffany Shepis, Trent Haaga

A group of drunk and stoned adults is beset by homicidal trick or treaters.

Here’s where things really start to backslide. Trick starts off strong with some deft Steadicam work and impeccable timing, but it swiftly degenerates into a nonsensical twist ending. The twist is bad enough, but it is introduced in a manner so ham-handed that it’s like an entire supermarket meat department topples over your head. This segment is the one where you really start to notice how the actors are indicating more than truly performing heir roles. This works for the basic, sketch-like nature of the film, which needs to set up each story ASAP, but makes the weaker entries even more unbearable to watch.

Fun-Size Treat: A friend of mine’s daughter is a trick or treater in this one, and she’s the most adorable punkin you’ve ever seen.

The Weak and the Wicked

Director: Paul Solet

Cast: Keir Gilchrist, Grace Phipps, Booboo Stewart

A young teen seeks revenge on the hoodlums that wreak havoc in the streets.

This teenybopper revenge tale is a right mess. I have literally zero bead on what the tone is supposed to be. The baddies are intended to be archetypes, but the flit from cliché to cliché without piecing any of it together. Are they dirt biking bullies? Anarchical hood rats? Straight-up sociopaths? Their motivations are obliterated by a startlingly weak reveal that undermines comprehension and ruins any catharsis that may have come out of the story.

Fun-Size Treat: The lead actor, Keir Gilchrist, will forever live in my heart thanks to United States of Tara.

Grim Grinning Ghost

Director: Axelle Carolyn

Cast: Alex Essoe, Lin Shaye, Barbara Crampton

A frightened woman thinks she's being stalked by a ghost who kills those who see her face.

This one’s a return to form following two incredibly weak entries. It’s not complex or particularly striking, but it’s eerie and enjoyable with some fun cameos (though I do feel that Barbara Crampton is cruelly wasted here). This segment has the strongest visual sense of the first half of the anthology, making smart use of shadow, silhouette, and encroaching fog to drive home the sense of being followed. The dialogue is a bit oversimplified (“Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t!”), but there’s excellent use of a song and the story clips by at a steady pace. Nothing to complain about here.

Fun-Size Treat: Lin Shaye!

Ding Dong

Director: Lucky McKee

Cast: Marc Senter, Pollyanna McIntosh, Lilly Von Woodenshoe

A barren woman forces her husband to act out a twisted Hansel and Gretel delusion while handing out candy.

Oh man. I almost didn’t make it through this one. The gender politics alone are execrable (a woman doesn’t have a baby, so she becomes a shrieking demonic harpy), but this entire segment is right next door to unwatchable. The wacky sound effects are back, this time accompanying an infuriatingly frequent shot of the lady adjusting her boobs before opening the door to children (why?), the scene frequently cuts to faux avant-garde shots of a four-armed demon lady (why??), and the acting brings to mind the bat guano shrieking of the John Waters-esque aunt from Sleepaway Camp. It’s a shrill, unappetizing descent into madness. Nestled within the various segments in this film, coming across Ding Dong is like the classic Charlie Brown scene: “I got a jumbo candy bar!” “I got a regular candy bar!” “I got a rock.”

Fun-Size Treat: The husband, who looks like he’s 14 years old, is too squeamish to say the word “vasectomy.” Maybe he IS 14.

This Means War

Director: John Skipp & Andrew Kasch

Cast: Dana Gould, James Duval

A polite, orderly neighbor attempts to shut down the raucous party across the street.

An overly simple story that goes absolutely nowhere, at least This Means War feels like a coherent anthology piece, albeit a slightly weak one. There’s a frankly astonishing amount of air guitar, which I’m pretty sure no human being had actually done since 1997, but other than that, this one slides in one ear and out the other.

Fun-Size Treat: The phrase “monster up” is used at though it’s slang that we’re actually supposed to know.

Friday the 31st

Director: Mike Mendez

Cast: Amanda Moyer, Jennifer Wenger, Nick Principe

A slasher villain is visited by a trick or treating alien.

If you survived the gauntlet that is the middle third of this anthology, you earned the bliss that is the next three segments. Friday the 31st is the weakest of the trifecta, but it’s a zany, gooey genre exercise with the world’s most adorable Claymation alien. The pure enthusiasm of this pieces even excuses the extremely silly Monty Python-esque effects, though I do wish that the climactic battle didn’t feel like such a turn-based, unvaried hack ‘n slash.

Fun-Size Treat: “Twick or Tweet!”

The Ransom of Rusty Rex

Director: Ryan Schifrin

Cast: Ben Woolf, Jose Pablo Cantillo, Sam Witwer

Two criminals attempt to kidnap a millionaire's son for ransom, but get more than they bargained for.

Now that’s what I’m talking about! With a classic anthology reversal setup, this segment is witty, exciting, and packed with Halloween cheer, propelled by two of the strongest performances of the entire film (American Horror Story’s Ben Woolf – may he rest in peace – and the lead kidnapper), The Ransom of Rusty Rex is quippy, over-the-top fun!

Fun-Size Treat: The millionaire is played by John Landis, director extraordinaire of An American Werewolf in London, The Blues Brothers, and Animal House.

Bad Seed

Director: Neil Marshall

Cast: Kristina Klebe, Pat Healy, Greg McLean

An evil jack-o-lantern stalks the streets, devouring those it comes across.

I suppose I intrinsically trust the director of The Descent, only one of my favorite horror flicks of all time, but I have good reason to. This segment is a great end piece to leave the film on a high note. With references to every other segment, Bad Seed simultaneously wraps everything up while telling its own outrageous story. The pumpkin monster is perfectly realized, and the gags produced from the detective’s pursuit of the monster are some of the best in the entire film. And their ending is a pitch perfect final note for both the Twilight Zone-y piece and Tales of Halloween as a whole.

Fun-Size Treat: Axelle Carolyn, Neil Marshall’s wife (and producer of Tales of Halloween/director of Grim Grinning Ghost) is shown being dragged away by cops in the police station.

Official Ranking:

#10 Ding Dong

#9 The Weak and the Wicked

#8 Trick

#7 This Means War

#6 The Night Billy Raised Hell

#5 Friday the 31st

#4 Grim Grinning Ghost

#3 Sweet Tooth

#2 Bad Seed

#1 The Ransom of Rusty Rex

Only the top six are worth watching, but that’s honestly a decent track record for this type of anthology.

TL;DR: Tales of Halloween is an uneven, but enjoyable ode to the October holiday season.

Rating: 6/10, quite literally in this case.

Word Count: 1639

Census Bloodbath: Thank You, Have A Nice Day

For the crossover review of this film at Kinemalogue, click here.

Year: 1986

Director: Jim Wynorski

Cast: Kelli Maroney, Tony O'Dell, Russell Todd

Run Time: 1 hour 17 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

Over the course of my romp through slasher history, I've run into some incredibly strange premises. Together, we've battled a killer scarecrow, a possessed mirror, a demonic computer, the ghost of a prom queen, and the angry spirit of a Native American medicine man. We're no strangers to strangeness, so don't take it lightly when I tell you that the Jim Wynorski picture Chopping Mall -produced by Roger Corman's wife Julie in 1986 - has one of the downright weirdest slasher premises I've ever encountered.

And I don't just mean that fact that we're supposed to suspend our disbelief and accept this implausible hairstyle.

Chopping Mall has the perfect slasher setup. A group of friends parties together in a mall after closing, only to find that they're trapped inside with a crazed killer. Only instead of a masked psychopath or territorial mountain man, the particular threat they're facing is... a trio of security robots that have gone haywire following an electrical storm. Seriously.

While we let that sink in, let's Meet the Meat. Our midnight revelers include Ferdy (Tony O'Dell), a nerdy young man whose uncle owns the store where they're holding the party; Allison (Kelli Maroney of Night of the Comet), a sweet young waitress who has been set up with Ferdy by their mutual friends; Suzie (Barbara Crampton of Re-Animator and From Beyond), Allison's party girl best friend; Rick (Russell Todd of Friday the 13th Part 2 and He Knows You're Alone) and Linda (Karrie Emerson), a married couple who own a mechanic shop together, and who for some reason are equally enthused about this mattress party/teen orgy; Greg (Nick Segal), who exists and is dating Suzie; Leslie (Suzee Slater), the bubble-headed shop owner's daughter and thus Ferdy's cousin, though this is never explored; and Mike (John Terlesky), a douchey stud muffin who chews gum in literally every scene and whose hairdresser I dearly wish was included in the body count.

This haircut should be included on the list of capital punishment-worthy offenses.

As my previous two captions may have informed you, Chopping Mall is urgently, endearingly 80's. The cast, the genre, the fashions, and the dialogue are unrelentingly entrenched in the cultural battleground of 1986, and it's an indelibly fun treat throughout. 

Like nearly all Corman pictures, the film is an extremely chintzy, thin affair that values ass shots and waggling breasts more than story and character development, but director Jim Wynorski squeezes every ounce of cinema magic out of the circumstances as he possibly can. This might sound like scant praise considering that the man also directed Sorority House Massacre II, but Chopping Mall is Wynorski's magnum opus, making the most out of its low budget, silly special effects, and ludicrous villains. 

But let's begin with the most pressing topic of any Chopping Mall discussion: The Killbots. By all accounts they should be a campy, cheesy mess, but if we're going to be completely honest (which I know we all hate to do, this being the Internet after all), they're really quite remarkable. Their creation is the oldest trick in the book: slap a motor on some shiny plastic boxes, tack on some lights, and call it a day. But the old tricks were used for a reason: they worked.

The Killbots, through the surprisingly professional methods with which they are framed and coordinated, are an utterly believable menace. There's hardly a crack in the special effects (largely because they are so simple), lending to the sense that these robots are acting of their own volition. They have purpose and agency, roaming the mall with specific, calculated, and (dare I say) character-driven movements.

Also their little tank tread feet are adorable.

Chopping Mall also boasts a surprisingly sophisticated lighting plan. The mall itself is full of heavy shadows, complemented by tickles of gaudy pinks and blues in the corners, reminding the audience of the cheery, commercial nature of the setting as it's plunged into a surrealist hellscape of killing and laser beams. Oh, did I mention the robots have laser beams? The only thing that could make this film more 1986 is an Alice Cooper cameo.

But I digress. The lighting uses the power of suggestion to expand upon its sparsely decorated sets (which largely consist of blank white walls with a handful of Corman posters tacked to them, not even in particularly good condition), most notably in the diner scenes. As visible in the first photo of this review, a false window casts shadow over the actors, cementing in the idea that they're hiding in a restaurant, and not a parking garage hallway. There's also some tremendously fun gags using silhouettes, but I'm not here to replay the movie, I'm here to sell it.

Not that it needs the help.

Chopping Mall is also remarkably funny, rife as it is with the typical 80's gags and guffaws. But there are moments that transcend the expected, especially in one admirably well-placed editing gag that will have hawk-eyed viewers nursing a stitch in their side. The cherry on top is that all the characters have generally intelligent reactions to their predicaments, almost never resorting to Dumb Horror Character antics, save for some truly, epically insane moments where the film briefly converts into a testosterone carnival of gun-totin' action.

But here I go acting like Chopping Mall is the second coming of Craven. It's certainly no grand classic of horror cinema, merely a shockingly decent turn for a trash auteur. The acting is bottom of the barrel (Russell Todd especially fails to make any attempt at an actual performance; only Barbara Crampton escapes the fray, bringing Suzie to vivacious life and igniting some terrific chemistry with everyone around her), the characters are exceedingly shallow, and the fun - while genuine - is ephemeral.

It's a cotton candy delight, tantalizing the taste buds for 77 short minutes before completely dissolving as if it were never there. It may be considerably more well made than other Corman/Wynorski films, but the fact remains that it's a Corman/Wynorski film, and that's a pretty dreary place to be at the best of times. I stand by Chopping Mall as a beacon of pure light in the B-movie community, but its charms only go so far. You have my blessing to seek it out and have a rollicking great time, but it won't change your life.

But sometimes, we don't need a film to radically change our perspective on the cinema. We just need the Killbots. And Chopping Mall is worth breaking out the jelly bracelets and borrowing daddy's credit card, if only for one night of fun with your friends.

Killer: The Killbots

Final Girl: Alison Parks (Kelli Maroney)

Best Kill: Leslie's head is exploded with a freaking laser. I love the 80's.

Sign of the Times: It's genuinely astonishing that Barbara Crampton has the mobility that she does, weighed down as she is by a pile of crimped hair and about 8,000 jelly bracelets. Oh, and she says "bitchin'!"

Scariest Moment: Alison hides from the final robot in a pet shop. When it destroys some glass cages, snakes and tarantulas crawl over her, but she must keep quiet to avoid detection.

Weirdest Moment: The robots reveal that they can shoot laser beams in the middle of the film, when up until that point they've just been using flimsy little claws.

Champion Dialogue: "I guess I'm just not used to being chased around the mall in the middle of the night by killer robots."

Body Count: 9

1. Marty is choked to death by a robot arm.
2. Marty's Friend has his neck broken with a grappling hook.
3. Janitor is electrocuted in a puddle of mop water.
4. Mike has his throat slit.
5. Leslie has her head exploded with a laser.
6. Susie burns to death.
7. Greg is tossed off a balcony.
8. Linda is shot to death with lasers.
9. Rick is electrocuted.

TL;DR: Chopping Mall is pure campy fun, with a surprisingly masterful aesthetic for a film out of the Corman stable.
Rating: 7/10
Word Count: 1361

Women In Horror Month: Everyone Else

Welcome to Part 2 of my feature celebrating Women in Horror Month! Without much further ado about nothing, here's

THE TOP TEN FEMALE HORROR CHARACTERS 

(NON-FINAL GIRL DIVISION)

#10 Marion Crane (Psycho)

Played By: Janet Leigh

Most certainly not a Final Girl, Marion Crane is the woman who changed the game forever. Billed to be the star of the show but killed before the audience had even finished their milk duds, Marion is an enormously influential figure in the progress of modern horror. Also she had recently decided to return the money she stole so she's moral too! To a point.

#9 Carol Anne Freeling (Poltergeist, Poltergeist II: The Other Side, Poltergeist III)

Played By: Heather O'Rourke

I really can't handle how adorably creepy she is, and I am always struck by what an absolute tragedy O'Rourke's premature death was. So there's a lot of emotions coming into this, but Carol Anne is a sterling figure of modern classic horror. Everybody remembers the first time they saw Poltergeist, for better or for worse.

#8 Clarice Starling (Silence of the Lambs)

Played By: Jodie Foster

The only woman with enough sensitivity and intelligence to match wits with the infamous Hannibal Lecter. Clarice has a rough family history but an unmatched devotion to her job and saving the lives of others. She is the lynchpin that holds the entire film together. And let us never ever ever mention the Julianne Moore version.

#7 Clear Rivers (Final Destination, Final Destination 2)

Played By: Ali Larter

She welds metal sculptures, is the only one to believe the psychic boy, and manages to outrun death. At least until the sequel. But she gets to be a super cool survivor/spirit guide and hang out with Tony Todd so I'm still pretty jealous.

#6 Gale Wathers (Scream, Scream 2, Scream 3, Scream 4)

Played By: Courteney Cox

I've loved Friends for as long as forever, but Courteney Cox's role in the Scream franchise is the one I most indelibly associate with her. This feisty, assertive reporter with the heart of gold and a suitcase full of one-liners rampages her way across the screen with an energy and verve that Monica Geller, love her though I do, just can't match.

#5 Dr. Katherine McMichaels (From Beyond)

Played By: Barbara Crampton

A surprisingly complex figure for a movie that features copious amounts of slime and a leather S&M outfit, Dr. McMichaels is driven to madness by her ambition and selfish egotism. She is one of many bricks in the argument that B movies have much more going on beneath the surface than your average horror viewer might think.

#4 Sophie (100 Bloody Acres)

Played By: Anna McGahan

With two hot Aussies wrapped around her finger, Sophie is living the life. And after being captured by a pair of bumbling brothers in the Outback, she is smart enough to continue living that life. She's not perfect, but she's just trying to get along any way she knows how. She's scrappy, resourceful, and spunky and I love her.

#3 Moira O'Hara (American Horror Story: Murder House)

Played By: Frances Conroy, Alexandra Breckenridge

Moira is one of the most poignant characters in the entire series. In a season packed with one-dimensionally evil, twisted ghosts, Moira stands supreme as a complex figure. Neither good nor evil, she is merely tragically imprisoned in the site of her murder and infidelity. Supremely resonant. Also young Moira is hot as Hades.

#2 Melanie Daniels (The Birds)

Played By: Tippi Hedren

I've talked about her plenty of times before, but Melanie Daniels is a force to be reckoned with. At first she seems every bit the young, flighty socialite, but as we explore her relationship with Mitch and his mother, her character expands into an entire universe of subtlety and range. I hope more people will come to side with me on loving The Birds far more than the also great but less complex Psycho.

#1 Ángela Vidal ([REC], [REC] 2)

Played By: Manuela Velasco

She's cute and bubbly. She's raw and determined. She's a charming fluff news reporter. And she's the first to whip off her patent leather jacket to fashion a tourniquet. Ángela is the inimitable heart of the [REC] franchise (something the director of [REC] 3 seemed to have been unaware of - stupid, stupid man) and Velasco's performance gets deeper and deeper every time.

Word Count: 730

Splatter University 4: Cockneys and Werewolves and Lovecraftian Lamprey Monsters, Oh My!

This Monday was the last official lecture class in my Horror Seminar for the semester. It's a darn shame, because that class was the light of my school week. Anyway, I'm really excited to see a final exam with the phrases "Wes Craven" and "re-animated corpses" on it, so there's a silver lining.

This is the last set of mini-reviews for my class (I have two more big reviews coming - I've been a little backed up due to finals and the fact that I had a fifteen page script due today that I began yesterday) and as we drew closer and closer to my revered decade of the 80's, the more exciting everything got.

Hold onto your butts.

Village of the Damned

Year: 1960

Director: Wolf Rilla

Cast: George Sanders, Barbara Shelley, Martin Stephens

Run Time: 1 hour 17 minutes

MPAA Rating: N/A

A massively successful British import, Village of the Damned is a slow boil, but is a lot more fun than the leaden horror fare the country cranked out for the entirety of the 50's. From German director Wolf Rilla (whose name sounds like it could be a SyFy Original movie), this tale based on John Wyndham's novel The Midwich Cuckoos is creative and enthralling.

One day, every single person within the town lines of Midwich falls unconscious for several hours. When they wake up, every single woman of appropriate age is bearing a child. These children grow quickly and their blonde hair and glowing eyes start to freak out the inhabitants. After a rash of mysterious incidents their parents must discover a way to save themselves while struggling with the idea of fighting their own offspring.

It's really a fascinating premise and although it's only explored in a genteel English manner, it still has the means to frighten despite the now supremely outdated glowing eye effects. Even though it's clearly a negative superimposed on a still frame, those moments remain spine tingling to this day. Perhaps not  film to recommend to most of the MTV generation, but any fan of classic horror could do worse.

Rating: 7/10

The Howling

Year: 1981

Director: Joe Dante

Cast: Dee Wallace, Patrick Macnee, Dennis Dugan

Run Time: 1 hour 31 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

The first film screened during "Werewolf Week," The Howling was a film I was looking forward to greatly. My excitement was entirely predicated on that it was mentioned in one line in Scream, but it was genuine nonetheless. You can imagine my disappointment when it was really kind of terrible, and not even in the fun way.

Although my professor insists that The Howling is a horror comedy, I was hard-pressed to find a chuckle anywhere except the feeble wolf puns in the background (Somebody eats a can of Wolf chili. A man is reading "Howl.") 

The opening scene is quite nice, in which an intrepid reporter (Dee Wallace) is accosted by a werewolf in the red light district. It was interesting to see a werewolf scene set smack dab in the middle of urban America as opposed to some creepy far-off woodlands. 

Of course, after this scene, Wallace is immediately transported to some creepy far-off woodlands and my rapport with the film is immediately lost. 

The film does have some interesting things to say about werewolfism as a metaphor for hedonism and exploring your base animalistic instincts but it is weighed down by highly dubious (and inconsistent) alterations to the classic werewolf mythology, a screechy protagonist, and an early transformation sequence in which some VFX artist clearly just drew a wolf onto the frame.

Although I did like the ending. [Dee Wallace gets shot in the face.]

Rating: 4/10

An American Werewolf in London

Year: 1981

Director: John Landis

Cast: David Naughton, Jenny Agutter, Joe Belcher

Run Time: 1 hour 37 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

Now this is more like it. A violent werewolf movie influenced by A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court directed by the guy who did Animal House that opens to the strains of "Bad Moon Rising?" Already an infinitely better film than The Howling.

David (David Naughton), our young (hot) protagonist has his vacation in England hampered by a wolf attack on the moors that leaves his friend Jack (Griffin Dunne) dead and him in a coma for several weeks in a London hospital with a nasty bite on his arm. 

When he is visited by the mauled ghost of his dead friend (complete with flapping jaw skin every time he opens his mouth - brilliantly disgusting), he learns that he is to become a werewolf and that if he doesn't die and end the curse, all werewolf victims are doomed to be trapped in Limbo for all eternity.

It's heavy stuff, but the film is hilarious. A pretty young nurse (Jenny Agutter) takes David home and they do it. A lot. This is a patient that every doctor in London is convinced is a mental case that this young nurse took home without telling anyone. But hey, there's no closed door in the world that beauty can't open.

One great werewolf transformation scene later, David is on the rampage across central London, making good on the film's title. For a lot of films that claim to take place in a major city (cough cough Jason Takes Manhattan), the city scenes feel brief and unsatisfying but David's mayhem in Piccadilly Circus is very worth it.

The film really is quite hilarious, my favorite part being the scene in the porn theater where Jack and his ghost friends suggest suicide techniques while the silliest sexy film in the history of cinema plays out in front of them. And though the ending disappointed many of my classmates, it is deliciously (and very darkly) funny and I honestly don't know what they were expecting.

Rating: 8/10

From Beyond

Year: 1986

Director: Stuart Gordon

Cast: Jeffrey Combs, Barbara Crampton, Ken Foree

Run Time: 1 hour 26 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

The first film in our double feature screening was Re-Animator, a fun cult classic that I have previously reviewed. From Beyond, another H. P. Lovecraft-based film from the same director, producer, and returning cast members Barbara Crampton and Jeffrey Combs seemed like it would be in the same vein, with silly over-the-top gore and pure camp splashed across the walls.

We did indeed get a silly, campy B-movie with some outdated effects, but one that was filled to the brim with flesh-twisting Lovecraftian horrors. Among the staff of the large make-up department was gore legend John Carl Buechler (who also directed my favorite Friday the 13th film, Part VII: The New Blood) and his incredible influence is truly felt.

I was nailed to my seat, looking up at the screen with a mixture of awe and abject horror. A Lovecraftian nightmare of incredible proportions, From Beyond tells the story of a machine that resonates at a frequency that stimulates the pineal gland in the brain, allowing those in its vicinity a sixth sense - the power to see into an alternate dimension that coexists with our own and is filled with bizarre monsters.

The only problem is that when the machine is on, they can see us, too.

Young scientist Jeffrey Combs and psychologist Barbara Crampton are investigating the effects of this machine and are drawn into a psychosexual nightmare of epic proportions, accompanied by Dawn of the Dead veteran Ken Foree.

A perfect mix of campy humor and gore and some truly terrifying and batsh!t insane effects pieces sent From Beyond into the stratosphere and I really can't recommend it enough. If you have one shot to explain to somebody the bizarre excesses of 80's horror, this film vies with John Carpenter's The Thing for the title of being that one film you should show to them.

Wow.

Rating: 9/10

Word Count: 1313

The Applebox Killers or: Five Things You Didn't Know About You're Next

Because Sergio is super up on things, we managed to get tickets to a special midnight screening of You're Next, my favorite horror movie of the year at the Cinefamily Theater in Los Angeles. Afterward there was a Q&A with the director Adam Wingard, the writer Simon Barrett, and one of the stars AJ Bowen.

It was a really great experience, the likes of which make me really glad that I live in Southern California.

Because I'm super cool and I can name drop, here's me with Adam Wingard and AJ Bowen.

But aside from being super fun, the event was also very informative about the process of making the film and I learned some very interesting things that I'd like to share with you all.

#1 The Killers Weren't Quite So Menacing As All That

Two of the killers (one of whom was played by Simon Barrett himself) were... vertically challenged. Although one of the actors towered over the rest of the cast, the other two had quite short statures. In order to make them more imposing, the other two frequently had to stand on wooden appleboxes to adjust for their height difference. During production the crew unofficially dubbed the movie "The Applebox Killers."

#2 You're Next Owes Everything to The Possession

Lionsgate had previously picked up You're Next for distribution in 2011 but was delayed by corporate restructuring. Once the Sam Raimi produced The Possession proved to be a modest hit, this cleared the path for You're Next's release one year later.

#3 Sharni Vinson Really Threw Herself Into Her Character

Apparently this Aussie chick is just as tough as she looks. Sharni was dedicated to telegraphing every single one of Erin's aches and pains as accurately as possible and was disappointed when they wouldn't let her jump out the window and used a stunt double. Ironically, after having danced for three weeks on a broken ankle in Step Up 3D and breaking her knuckles when punching a wall in Bait, You're Next was the first film set where she didn't break a bone.

#4 Barbara Crampton Is A Peach

Re-Animator director Stuart Gordon and star Jeffrey Combs were both supporters of the team's earlier film, A Horrible Way to Die. In honor of their support, Barrett and Wingard requested that Barbara Crampton (the love interest in Re-Animator) come out of retirement to play the mother. They told her to call Stuart and Jeffrey so they could vouch for them, but she loved the script so much she decided to do it anyway.

#5 Adam Wingard and Simon Barrett Love Silly Horror Movies

It just goes to show that the greatest horror filmmakers have the best senses of humor. Barrett extolled the virtues of Return of the Living Dead III and Wingard's favorite Halloween film is Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers, a 1995 slasher that featured Paul Rudd and a druid's curse.

Word Count: 487

C (S) U Later

It is with heavy heart (and backpack) that I inform you of the beginning of CSULB's fall 2013 semester, meaning that I will be unable to post daily on this site, and most likely not very frequently at all. I'm taking five classes, TAing a sixth, on the board for the GSA, and working so I'll barely have time to watch movies, let alone write about them.

I'm gonna do my best though, and I know this is hard on you so I've made you a little back-to-school present,

10 TV Shows to Watch on Netflix Instead of Doing Homework

30 Rock (2006 - 2013)

Seasons: 7

Time Wasted: 2 days 2 hours 36 minutes

OK, so the seventh season technically isn't on Netflix yet but it will be soon! If they answer my prayers.

30 Rock is a witty behind-the-scenes comedy that is a not-so-veiled look at Tina Fey's life as the head writer of SNL. She plays socially inept Liz Lemon, a woman on a quest to balance work, love, and having it all. And eat as many sandwiches as she possibly can.

With Alec Baldwin as her boss (a man as conservative as he is wealthy) and mentor, providing 30 Rock's core, the show survived way more seasons than the ratings should have allowed by always remaining as sharp and clever as the very first episode.

Also featuring Jack McBrayer, Tracy Morgan, and Jane Krakowski.

Scrubs (2001-2010)

Seasons: 9

Time Wasted: 2 days 18 hours 44 minutes

A screwball comedy set in Sacred Heart Hospital, Zach Braff plays J.D., a young intern on his way to becoming a doctor. Chock full of fast-paced gags, creative fantasy sequences, and a surprising amount of heart, Scrubs is so good that you won't even notice that the last two seasons mostly suck. 

Also featuring Donald Faison, John C. McGinley, and Sarah Chalke.

Arrested Development (2003-2013)

Seasons: 4
Time Wasted: 1 day 3 hours 35 minutes

Quite simply one of the funniest sitcoms ever. The story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son (Jason Bateman) who had no choice but to keep them all together, it's... Arrested Development.

Full of structural humor, bizarre in-jokes, and zippy punch lines that keep you on your toes, this show bombed in initial ratings, leading Fox to cancel it after three increasingly short seasons. Netflix picked it up for a fourth. Reviews were mixed, but the new season returns to the characters with as much zeal and wild experimentation as ever.

Also featuring Will Arnett, Portia de Rossi, and Michael Cera.

How I Met Your Mother (2005 - Present)

Seasons: 8

Time Wasted: 2 days 19 hours 28 minutes

With one season not yet on Netflix and another (its last) in production, HIMYM still has some crackle in it yet. Although the main premise, Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor) telling his kids the tale of... how he met their mother has long since worn thin, the show is kept alive with a brilliant ensemble cast - the first show since Friends to truly succeed with the "twentysomethings hang out in a place" formula.

Also featuring Alyson Hannigan, Jason Segel, and Neil Patrick Harris.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005 - Present)

Seasons: 8 (with a ninth on the way)

Time Wasted: 1 day 10 hours 28 minutes

The simple story of a bunch of self-centered lunkheads who own a bar in South Philadelphia is a pitch black comedy starring Charlie Day. Mostly improvised and never tame, It's Always Sunny panders in filthy humor, shrill arguments, and the hilarious antics of truly awful people.

In the second season, Danny DeVito joined the cast as the disgusting Frank Reynolds, a role he was clearly born for.

Also featuring Rob McElhenny, Glenn Howerton, and Kaitlin Olson.

Undeclared (2001 - 2002)

Seasons: 1

Time Wasted: 6 hours 14 minutes

Judd Apatow's college comedy and spirit sequel to his cult classic Freaks and Geeks, Undeclared is the story of Steven Karp (Jay Baruchel), a nerdy kid trying to reinvent himself in his first year of college. Perfectly capturing the drama and the magic of freshman year, Undeclared will have you looking back fondly on your first college friends, overbearing RAs, and the time when Adam Sandler was still relevant.

Also featuring Seth Rogen, Charlie Hunnam, and Monica Keena.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997 - 2003)

Seasons: 7

Time Wasted: 4 days 12 hours

Buffy is Joss Whedon's ultimate cult classic. Taking the horror trope of the Final Girl and turning it on its head, Buffy stars a butt-kicking Sarah Michelle Gellar as the Chosen One of Sunnydale High, defending the world from vampires, demons, and creatures that go bump in the night.

Also featuring my lover David Boreanaz, Alyson Hannigan, and Nicholas Brendon.

Twin Peaks (1990 - 1991)

Seasons: 2

Time Wasted: 23 hours 18 minutes

Twin Peaks is David Lynch's surreal masterpiece of small town intrigue. Kyle MacLachlan stars as Special Agent Dale Cooper as he searches for the answer to the question on everybody's lips: Who killed Laura Palmer?

Also featuring Michael Ontkean, Mädchen Amick, and Dana Ashbrook.

Portlandia (2011 - Present)

Seasons: 3 (so far)

Time Wasted: 9 hours 54 minutes

Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein's sharp satire skewers Portland, the hipster capital of the world. As with most sketch comedy, it's sometimes a mixed bag, but it is always insightful, hilarious, and full of weird celebrity cameos.

Also featuring Kyle MacLachlan, Chloë Sevigny, and Aubrey Plaza.

The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret (2010 - 2012)

Seasons: 2

Time Wasted: 4 hours 24 minutes

Simultaneously uproariously funny and oppressively dark, Todd Margaret is an acquired taste. Starring David Cross as a bumbling corporate employee sent across the pond to sell a putrid energy drink, this BBC comedy is crass, sophisticated, wry, and exceedingly British.

Also featuring Will Arnett, Sharon Hogan, and Blake Harrison.

And because I have my super anticipated horror class today, I would be remiss if I didn't include

BONUS: Five Horror Films to Watch on Netflix Instead of Writing Your Essay

Dead Snow (Død Snø) (2009)

Time Wasted: 1 hour 32 minutes

A bitingly fun Norwegian zombie comedy that pays magnificent homage to the gore pictures of yore.

Featuring Jeppe Beck Laursen, Vegar Hoel, and Charlotte Frogner.

Read my full review here.

The Evil Dead (1981)

Time Wasted: 1 hour 25 minutes

Essentially the movie Dead Snow pays homage to in the highest, The Evil Dead is Sam Raimi's gleefully gory, somewhat campy (the outrageously slapstick humor of its sequel is not present, although the film does have some comedic elements) zombie flick that isn't really about zombies.

Candarian demons are released by an accidental reading of a passage from the Book of the Dead and attack five unwitting college students spending their break in a secluded cabin in the woods.

Featuring Bruce Campbell, Ellen Sandweiss, and Richard Demanincor.

Re-Animator (1985)

Time Wasted: 1 hour 26 minutes

What can I say? Netflix is really on top of zombie movies. Re-Animator is the tale of med student Herbert West, whose experiments with a serum to bring the dead back to life go terribly awry.

Read my full review here.

Featuring Bruce Abbott, Jeffrey Combs, and Barbara Crampton.

The Host (Goemul) (2006)

Time Wasted: 1 hour 59 minutes

This Korean monster movie has it all. Monster kidnappings, shoreline mayhem, and a surprising vein of  good humor and family satire.

Featuring Kang-ho Song, Hie-bong Byeon, and Hae-il Park.

The Initiation (1984)

Time Wasted: 1 hour 36 minutes

How could I not include a slasher movie? The Initiation is the story of a sorority hazing gone very wrong. I'll cover this one on Census Bloodbath before you know it, but I'll call it now. It's one of the top 5 films of the year.

Featuring Daphne Zuniga, Hunter Tylo, and Vera Miles.

Have a good day at school, everyone! (And screw you, UC people!)

Word Count: 1323