Census Bloodbath: Pranks For The Memories

Year: 1986

Director: Fred Walton

Cast: Deborah Foreman, Amy Steel, Clayton Rohner

Run Time: 1 hour 29 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

Sad April Fool's Day! 

Just kidding! Happy April Fool's Day!

That's about all the pranking energy I have in me at this point, I'm afraid. As a kid, I was the best in the business, but I'm retired now. Luckily for us, today's slasher feature has us covered for all of our practical joking needs. April Fool's Day, released by Paramount in 1986, is a film birthed from a congregation of slasher royalty.

Friday the 13th producer Frank Mancuso, Jr. pulled together some of the biggest names in the business for April Fool's Day, including Nightmare on Elm Street composer Charles Bernstein, Fade to Black/The Funhouse/Friday the 13th 4, 5, & 6/Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo/Everything You've Ever Loved casting director Fern Champion, When A Stranger Calls director Fred Walton, and Friday the 13th Part 2 Final Girl Amy Steel. It's kind of like the Avengers for the slasher set, if you will.

Only they do battle with terrible 80's hairstyles instead of world-eating aliens.

April Fool's Day tells the story of one Muffy St. John (Deborah Foreman of 1988's Destroyer), a tragically rich young woman who hosts an April Fool's/birthday/spring break getaway weekend for her college friends at her secluded island mansion. After a prank unintentionally leads to a gory ferry accident, the constable and the ferry captain head to the mainland, leaving the unfortunate kids all alone for the weekend. Of course a mysterious someone begins picking them all off, but let's Meet the Meat before they're seasoned and sliced, shall we?

The group in April Fool's Day is considerably large, but each of the kiddos has a distinct, multi-faceted personality that renders them unique and compelling. The one thing this diverse group has in common is that none of them seem to like Muffy all that much. 

There's Nikki (Deborah Goodrich), the clever, promiscuous sexpot with a Mad Magazine sense of humor; Chaz (Clayton Rohner of I, Madman), Nikki's boyfriend, the kinda cute, really horny film major who doesn't take anything seriously; Arch (Thomas F. Wilson aka freaking Biff Tannen from Back to the Future), Chaz's bestest buddy, and one of those straight dudes who spends an improbable amount of time pretending he wants to bang his friend; Hal (Jay Baker), a kinda dorky Southern gold digger who fears for his own inheritance; Skip (Griffin O'Neal), Muffy's jovial stoner cousin; Nan (Leah Pinsent), a bookish, prudish, bubbly girl who packs a separate suitcase for her homework; Kit (Amy Steel), who, thanks to her androgynous name and veteran performer is without a doubt our Final Girl despite her only character trait being that she's a tad irritable; and Rob (Ken Olandt), Kit's boyfriend who feels like he isn't worthy because he goes to a state school. 

He's wrong. He's not worthy because of his terrible mullet.

Their interactions are underscored with a truly intriguing element of class anxiety. Most of the guests are sheltered and privileged in their own right, but many are envious of Muffy "On a Clear Day You Can See the Kennedys" St. John's considerable means, and Rob feels inadequate because of his lower socioeconomic status. It is perhaps too much to ask for a late-period slasher to explore this topic in a full, satisfying manner, let alone worm its way into a decent thesis, but April Fool's Day uses this unconsummated motif as a bedrock for incredibly solid characterizations.

The yuppie movement having come into full swing by the mid-80's, these obnoxious but lovable characters plant the film firmly in a historical context, far more than the typical slasher ephemera of feathered hair and neon legwarmers. Compounded with one character's expression of nuclear fears, and another's shamefully hidden abortion, April Fool's Day becomes a half-decent social piece on the futility and anxiety of the upper and middle class in the materialistic 1980's.

It's a good thing, too, because as an out-and-out slasher film, April Fool's Day isn't exactly a peach. The dialogue and filmmaking are solid, and there's some decent atmosphere, but the Thought Police MPAA crackdown on slashers in the latter half of the decade stunts the film considerably. The one sex scene is about as un-exploitative as Nancy Drew's dream journal, and the gore is light, to say the least.

When your climactic gore reveal could be fixed up with some Tampax and a teaspoon of Alka-Seltzer, it might not be ready for prime time.

BUT! The tone is jovial and the atmosphere is decently spooky, in the best evocation of the spirit of April Fool's. While the kiddos have fun with dribble glasses and gimp masks, Bernstein's remarkably held-back synth music keeps the creep factor up for scenes that have actual, genuine tension from time to time. Though the kills may be muffled, the preceding moments can be deliciously tense and one sequence in a well actually manages to dredge up a goosebump or two.

And wait! There's more! The cast is packed with actors who had more than just a simulacrum of a career, so the performances are across the board pretty decent. The only weak links are the flaky Deborah Foreman as Muffy "It's OK, It's Perrier" St. John, who for the life of her can't figure out just what to do with her damn hands, flapping them wildly around her face like rabid bats, and (unfortunately) Amy Steel, who is brought down by a dull character and reduced to a kind of drowsy irritation for too many of her line readings. 

Kit only becomes interesting in a historical context when she comes on to Rob, providing the actress her second consecutive non-virginal Final Girl character. I don't know what it is about Ms. Steel, but directors love to film her jumping dudes' bones, and this scene is certainly more sultry than her chaste pre-coital scene with Paul in Friday the 13th. Despite her lackluster performance, this scene is more than enough to launch her into the Final Girl pantheon for defying stereotypes. Go Kit! Feminism!

On another note, the film is also quite well-shot, with picturesque scenery and nighttime lighting that manages to avoid drowning the frame in darkness. You'd think that slasher filmmakers would pick up a book or two on night cinematography when they prepare to shoot a film almost entirely after sunset. But you would be severely overestimating how much the people behind the camera cared about these things. Most of the time, I count myself lucky if I don't see a boom mike in frame, but here the cinematography is skilled and professional and I can't respect that enough.

Also whoever picked out that outfit deserves an Oscar.

Alright, here's where things get SPOILERific. If you care about the ending to a 30-year-old B-slasher, skip ahead to the image of the homoerotic frat bros.

As you might have been able to guess, the ending of April Fool's Day reveals that the Agatha Christie-esque body count antics are all one big prank. Muffy is performing a dry run for a murder mystery getaway weekend she plans to sell to the public, in which her evil twin Buffy escapes from an asylum and mows down the guests. Her friends are her unfortunate first victims. 

This ending is a sprightly reversal on slasher expectations from a team intimately familiar with the formula, but it also prevents the film from being a classic example of the form. For obvious reasons, all the deaths are kept offscreen, reducing the impact of the kills and irritating the horehounds in the audience. The film is clever enough to spring back from this deficiency, but it causes the third act to drag something fierce before the Final Girl sequence kicks in.

Speaking of the finale, the film's premise also prevents the Final Girl from fighting back against the killer. It wouldn't exactly be a classic prank if Kit stabbed Muffy in her smug face, so she is reduced to panicked running that is rendered interesting by some inspired set design, but doesn't have the dynamism of her chainsaw tussle with the truly dangerous Jason Voorhees. The final reveal is chilling thanks to some subtle, jarring sound design, but in the end its clever reversal is not quite worth the losses it inflicts on the film as a whole.

Welcome back, my love.

All in all, April Fool's Day isn't a film that I would recommend to a casual horror fan, but for those willing to explore its coy depths, it's a rewarding character slasher with a well-honed sense of fun. It won't change your perspective on the genre or anything, but it's a more than acceptable romp through the social climate of 1986 with some puckish mayhem thrown in for good measure.

Killer: [Buffy St. John (Deborah Foreman) but actually nobody]

Final Girl: Kit (Amy Steel)

Best Kill: Chaz is castrated while wearing a gimp mask, so that's fun.

Sign of the Times: As much as I love Chaz's baggy jacket/V-neck/patterned pajama pants combo, I'm pretty sure it's a capitol offense to wear it in today's fashion climate.

Scariest Moment: Arch is hung from a tree above a lunging snake.

Weirdest Moment: In an attempt to nail the classic Spring-Loaded Cat scare, April Fools Day launches a forlorn feline directly down onto poor Skip from the stratosphere.

Champion Dialogue: "Your fly's open and your Hostess Twinkie is hangin' out."

Body Count: 8 [But actually 0]

1. Skip is killed offscreen.
2. Arch is decapitated. 
3. Nan has her throat slit.
4. Chaz is castrated.
5. Nikki is stabbed to death.
6. Hal is hung.
7. Muffy is decapitated.
8. [Muffy has her throat slit.] 

TL;DR: April Fool's Day is a demure slasher, but makes up for it with great characters and a fairly suspenseful twist on the genre.

Rating: 7/10

Word Count: 1650

Women In Horror Month: Is That Your Final Answer?

What do you know, but it's already a week into February. Where does the time go?

I don't know whose job it is to decide these things but we are officially celebrating Women in Horror Month, and I would be loathe to ignore my calling. Throughout the month I will have several features celebrating women and their contributions to the horror genre, but first the obvious.

Because I'm me, I'd like to open with my

TOP TEN FINAL GIRLS

#10 Alice Johnson (A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child)

Played By: Lisa Wilcox

A character that manages to survive in my esteem even in spite of the entirely terrible and incoherent Part 5. Alice is essentially the Tommy Jarvis of the Nightmare franchise, a late-to-the-game player that defeats a horror icon multiple times - and lives to tell the tale. Where most Final Girls who have a return get their comeuppance, she sticks to her guns and makes Freddy her chew toy.

#9 Ginny Field (Friday the 13th Part 2)

Played By: Amy Steel

One of the smartest of Jason's victims, child psychologist Ginny Field manages to get inside his head and trick her way to survival. She's one of the only Final Girls to actually outwit the killer instead of wail on him with a machete for 20 minutes. Although she does get a few good whacks in during an especially memorable chainsaw sequence.

#8 Marybeth Dunston (Hatchet II)

Played By: Tamara Feldman, Danielle Harris

Although she was certainly a sideshow in the first Hatchet film, perennial 21st Century Final Girl Marybeth Dunston was given new life when genre veteran Danielle Harris stepped into the role. Having appeared in four Halloween movies (two of them as a child!), she was the perfect choice to sass up what needed to be a punchy role opposite King Jason himself, Kane Hodder.

#7 Jannicke (Cold Prey, Cold Prey 2)

Played By: Ingrid Bolsø Berdal

Sexy. Norwegian. Badass. Jannicke has seen more than her share of trouble, so she decided to make some of her own. Despite one terrifically dumb decision that extended the finale of the sequel for a good fifteen minutes, she is still one of the most consistently intelligent and entertaining slasher protagonists of them all.

#6 Sidney Prescott (Scream, Scream 2, Scream 3, Scream 4)

Played By: Neve Campbell

Darn but I do love myself a sarcastic heroine. Sidney hates horror movies for being a series of reductive and insulting clichés, so her worst nightmare comes true when she is trapped in one. She's still alive and kicking though, so hats off to seeing herself through four installments of a notorious director's franchise.

#5 Sarah (The Descent)

Played By: Shauna MacDonald

Savage womanhood at its finest. She's minding her own business, just trying to get over the death of her cheating husband and daughter when she is attacked by a horde of underground flesh-eating monsters. However, she quickly turns the tables and although her ending might not exactly be happy, it's absolutely fitting and resonant.

#4 Nancy Thompson (A Nightmare on Elm Street)

Played By: Heather Langenkamp

So good they brought her back. Twice. Decades apart. Nancy is everything a teen protagonist should be: lovable, smart, a little bit silly, and, most importantly, a teenager. Although Langenkamp's acting isn't exactly top drawer, it matches perfectly with the genre and keeps Nightmare going strong a good 30 years after its release.

#3 Laurie Strode (Halloween, Halloween II, Halloween H20: Twenty Years Later)

Played By: Jamie Lee Curtis

How could I not include her? She's not gonna be number one due to her unfortunate habit of dropping weapons right next to masked serial murderers, but she's one of the most persistent and incredible Final Girls due to Jamie Lee Curtis' unmatched slasher performance. She was so good they retconned her offscreen death from Part 4 to bring her back in a blaze of glory.

#2 Tina Shepard (Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood)

Played By: Lar Park-Lincoln

AKA Carrie. This telekinetic teen kicks some serious Voorhees butt. This is no small feat, especially considering that in this installment the masked galunk was played by Kane Hodder for the very first time. Definitely one of my favorite installments of the series, in large part due to Tina's incredible prowess at being awesome.

#1 Erin (You're Next)

Played By: Sharni Vinson

Who couldn't have predicted this one? The only Final Girl I've ever seen who is more proficient with an axe than her pursuers. Pitted against multiple foes, she easily outstrips any of her single-villain peers, all with a flawless Australian accent.
Word Count: 781

Census Bloodbath: Second Thoughts

If you're new to Census Bloodbath, click here.
For our podcast episode about this very film, click here.

Year: 1981

Director: Steve Miner

Cast: Amy Steel, John Furey, Betsy Palmer

Run Time: 1 hour 27 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

And we have arrived at Jason's first starring vehicle! What a pleasure it is going to be to see this hockey masked buffoon get his time in the limelight!

Wait, what?

Yeah, you got me. The hockey mask doesn't come into play until Part 3, making this another Friday the 13th with a misinformed reputation. Perhaps this is a good time for me to mention how improperly memory has treated this series. You know how all Friday the 13th movies go, right? Ask anyone. Jason Voorhees in a hockey mask kills camp counselors at Crystal Lake.

This combination does not happen one single time in the entire 12 movie franchise. Sorry to burst your bubble. This is getting a little technical, but here's the deal. To start off, camp counselors die in only three of the films (Parts 1, 2, and 6). In the first, as we've already discussed, the killer was his mother. In the second (which we'll approach in more detail very shortly), he has no mask and also they're not even at Crystal Lake. Part 6 is the closest (he has the mask and he mows down counselors) but guess what? The camp has been renamed to Camp Forest Green.

I know that one's a technicality, but isn't that weird to think about?

Nothing anybody knows about this series is even remotely true.

Anyway, that's all in the future. Right now it's 1981. We have Jason in a bag, the hockey mask has never existed and as a matter of fact neither has adult Jason.

The film tries to smooth that narrative wrinkle (having him die as a child in the first film rather complicated sequel opportunities) by saying it only seemed like he drowned and that he saw his mother get beheaded that fateful night and vowed revenge on her killer and any others who intrude upon his territory. Apparently he never saw fit to approach her before then and give her a quick heads up that, you know, he was still alive. Whatever. He was busy. I get it.

So now he's all growed up and the movie opens two months after the original. Alice Hardy (Adrienne King) is trying to put her life together but is still haunted by nightmares (that take the form of five minutes of footage from the last movie crudely grafted onto shots of her not only failing to act but failing to be convincingly asleep).

She is run through a conveyor belt of horror standards as she gets a mysterious phone call where there's nobody on the other line, hears noises, takes the world's fastest shower, and has a cat thrown at her from offscreen by a PA.

Unfortunately her time is up and as she goes to get some milk for her tea, she gets a rather nasty surprise in her fridge, followed by a nasty surprise in her temple (an ice pick).

So that's what head cheese is.

Now it's five years later, her body was never found, and the shore of Crystal Lake is being used for the first time since the campground was condemned after the original murders.

Paul Holt (John Furey) has opened up a counselor training camp not far from the blackened ruins of Camp Blood. The events of half a decade ago have faded in memory and Jason has been reduced to nothing but a campfire story. 

As training begins, a heaping platter of Meat is laid before us in unprecedented amounts. First we meet the obvious analogues for Jack, Marcie, and Ned from the original. There's Jeff (Bill Randolph), the horndog and something of a Walmart brand Brad Pitt; his girlfriend Sandra (Marta Kober) who is adventurous and pushy; and Ted (Stu Charno) the prankster. Apparently the writers couldn't be bothered to even try to hide the fact that he is transparently Ned, just in a different body.

Thus begins the well-worn Friday the 13th standby of "exactly the same, only different." It only serves to underscore the fact that the individual characters don't matter. All that anyone cares about are the infinite variations in the ways that they screw and the ways that they die (Sometimes at the same time. More on that later).

Also on the crew are Terry (Kirsten Baker), who I took to calling "Slutty McSlutNipples" in my notes because of how clear her exact purpose in the script was; 

She gives the franchise its first full frontal! And has some gleefully sleazy innuendos that make me love her.

Scott (Russell Todd, who we'll revisit in Chopping Mall), the stud bucket who relentlessly pursues Terry like a five-year-old, stealing her clothes when she goes skinny dipping and hitting her with rocks from a sling shot; Mark (Tom McBride), a wheelchair-bound counselor with enormous arms; Vickie (Lauren-Marie Taylor, who we'll also see again in Girls Nite Out if I ever get my hands on the DVD), a clean cut girl who can't help but notice said enormous arms; and Ginny (Amy Steel, also of April Fool's Day and my fantasy dinner parties), Paul's girlfriend and all around spunky queen doing awesome things all over the place like cutting firewood with a chainsaw, winning at chess, and running the fastest (foreshadowing!).

There's also some random extra counselors with no lines, but some of them are ethnic and break stereotypes by not actually dying.

Also a Rock in a Puddle that is onscreen more times than the black counselor.

Not exactly a paradise of diversity.

Crazy Ralph (Walt Gorney) also makes a brief reappearance to spout more prophecies of doom only to become the first victim of Jason's rampage. And because the movie needed to have more kills to spice things up before the real bloodbath begins.

The first act is breezy and fun as we settle in with the characters. Much like the first film, there's not much plot of import, but it's just enjoyable to watch these teens have a good time. We learn that Slutty McSlutNipples' dog is named Muffin, which is the best thing ever. Jeff and Sandra expand the narrative universe a bit by exploring the condemned Camp Blood which is so dilapidated it might as well be made of cardboard (That was a joke. It is made of carboard).

There is some great use of foreshadowing in this sequence as well, the subtlety of which is balanced out by the bluntness of the expository dialogue. Ginny is a Child Psychology major, a character trait that is introduced with all of the grace of a first time writer who is also a boxing champion. Paul literally says "Why don't you use some of that child psychology you're majoring in?"

This guy.

When half the counselors leave to spend a night out on the town, things start to get hairy.

The counselors that chose to stay behind fall into the typical patterns of Friday the 13th teenagerhood, drinking, smoking, banging, and dying. Although the gore scenes are positively modest in comparison to the original (the MPAA had begun its first of a series of crackdowns on the slasher genre), what is shown is gleefully wicked.

Jeff and Sandra are speared mid-coitus in a bald ripoff of Twitch of the Death Nerve (one of the franchise's favorite victims) that nonetheless is shocking and fun, Vickie sits immobile in fear and watches Jason approach her for about ten seconds with a big knife and thus earning her a spot in my Ten Modern Horror Rules list, and Jason proves once and for all that he is an equal opportunity serial killer.

What a nice guy.

Slutty McSlutNipples goes skinny dipping alone because she's a brave queen. The clincher? Earlier that evening when she decided to stick around and look for her dog she said "I think I'll stay too, Muffin may show." This is seriously my favorite thing that has ever happened. Call me sleazy if you want, but exploitation cinema has never gotten more clever and cheesy and wonderful than that very line. Perfection.

Sooner or later, Ginny is the only one left and boy is she ready. She knees Jason in the crotch, attacks him with a chainsaw, and although she makes the fatal error of failing to double tap, she utilizes her child psychology knowledge to placate Jason by pretending to be his mother.

Jason is macheted by a miraculously alive Paul, and the two limp off into what I would call the most bizarre shock ending ever if I hadn't already seen the next film in the series. Everything is fine, but the door creaks open to reveal... Muffin!

Then Jason bursts through the window.

Then it was all a dream.

Then Paul has vanished.

I don't know anything about what happened here and I don't care about spoiling it because it's so outrageously hackneyed and stupid and sequelly. At least we got the genuinely frightening and cool Final Girl sequence beforehand.

In this gif, Jason is played by Warrington Gillette. Contrary to what he claims, he did not play Jason in any of the other scenes. Boo Warrington Gillette.

Overall, Friday the 13th Part 2 is tremendously fun if less shocking and grubbily powerful than the original. The script is strong enough to shoulder some of the burden left by the diluted gore effects and Amy Steel gives a layered performance as Ginny even if the other actors leave something to be desired. 

You know what? No they don't. I'm too jaded to desire good acting from these things. At least Amy is flawless.

Steve Miner (who was an associate producer on the original film) directs like he actually has a brain, and the movie benefits greatly from it. His scenes of darkness hide objects just enough to render them scary instead of just obscuring everything in sight. He also utilizes some basic deep focus cinematography that frame foreground and background objects in ways that relate to one another. Not exactly rocket science, but it shows more effort than the utterly workmanlike Sean S. Cunningham.

Ginny doesn't like hacks.

Friday the 13th Part 2 has nothing on the campy joy of later entries, but it's a solidly made and occasionally scary slasher film in the Crystal Lake saga (my unofficial name for the first four films before things got weird).

One more thing before I go (I know, I know. I'm almost done.). I mentioned earlier that the mantra of the franchise is "exactly the same, only different" which is perhaps a little unfair. Each Friday the 13th film is comprised of a million little details that are radically different from any other film in the franchise that lend it texture.

This film is no different as our expectations are subverted left and right.

The most obvious example is that Ted the prankster somehow survives the ordeal. Who could have seen that coming? He's happily ensconced in a bar booth miles away during the bloodbath. I already mentioned that the ethnic counselors survive, but that's worth mentioning again and again in an 80's horror film.

Also the clean cut prude looking girl turns out to be the horniest of them all (choice dialogue: "I only need your fingers." "Let's play for position.") and Ginny pretty clearly gets it on with Paul, ripping the Final Girl standard off its hinges.

And my favorite pairing. Slutty McSlutNipples never has sex and the studbucket strikes out. Take a look at him on your way out and don't tell me you're not surprised.

Slingshot. There's a joke in there somewhere.

Killer: Jason Voorhees (Steve Dash), and what a pleasure it is to be writing those words.

Final Girl: Ginny Field (Amy Steel)

Best Kill: Coitus interruptus 

Sign of the Times: Vickie's "sexy outfit" is a bulky sweater with geometric shapes.

Scariest Moment: Jason rips his pitchfork through the canvas roof of Ginny's car.

Weirdest Moment: It is shown that Ginny wears a bra. Take a close look, it's the last one you'll ever see in a Friday the 13th film.

Champion Dialogue: "This place is starting to look like a Burger King."

Body Count: 10; I included Paul even though nobody actually knows what happened to him. Also a dog maybe. The ending is really inconsistent.

1. Alice is stabbed in the temple with an ice pick.
2. Crazy Ralph is strangled to death with barbed wire.
3. The Cop gets the back of a hammer in his skull.
4. Scott's throat is slit with a machete.
5. Terry is killed offscreen.
6. Mark gets a machete in the face, then rolls down a flight of stairs.
7. Jeff is impaled with a spear while boning Sandra.
8. Sandra is impaled with a spear while boning Jeff.
9. Vickie is stabbed in the chest.
10. Paul mysteriously vanishes. 

TL;DR: Friday the 13th Part 2 is more technically proficient than its predecessor but can't fully recapture the grubby magic.

Rating: 8/10

Word Count: 2174

Reviews In This Series

Friday the 13th (Cunningham, 1980)

Friday the 13th Part 2 (Miner, 1981)
Friday the 13th Part 3: 3D (Miner, 1982)
Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (Zito, 1984)
Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (Steinmann, 1985)
Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (McLoughlin, 1986)
Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (Buechler, 1988)
Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (Hedden, 1989)
Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (Marcus, 1993)
Jason X (Isaac, 2001)
Freddy vs. Jason (Yu, 2003)
Friday the 13th (Nispel, 2009)

His Name Was Jason... And Today Is His Birthday

Today is Thursday, June 13th and that can only mean two things.

1) It is Jason Voorhees' 65th birthday! He's getting up there but he's managed to stay in shape.

Still eviscerating teenagers like a 20-year-old.

2) Considering it's a Thursday, we can breathe easy knowing that we're safe to live another day. We're only in danger when it's a...

Well, sh*t.

At any rate, we've got a year left. Make the most of it.

In honor of this Day of Days, as I do every year, I've planned a Friday the 13th event. Now, I won't get around to reviewing the series just about yet, that's a task for my all day marathon next year. But in honor of the day, I have prepared this list for y'all.

Warning: This article contains photos of gore scenes which I generally consider cheesy, but if you're squeamish just be prepared.

The Top 12 Friday the 13th Movies: Ranked Worst to Best

12. Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday

Year: 1993

Jason: Kane Hodder

Final Girl: Jessica Kimble (Kari Keegan)

Best Kill: A girl gets vertically SPLIT IN HALF mid-coitus.

Although the patent absurdity of Jason getting blown up by the FBI and becoming a body-controlling demon worm makes this film absolutely worth watching, the fabulous Kane Hodder is underused in one of only four turns as Jason Voorhees and the film ultimately gets bogged down in its own mythology.

11. Friday the 13th (2009)

Year: 2009

Jason: Derek Mears

Final Girl: Whitney Miller (Amanda Righetti) [Also, weirdly enough, Jared Padalecki]

Best Death: A girl hiding under a dock gets stabbed from above through the wood - and her skull.

Although this film wasn't a terrible terrible remake like some movies we know (coughcoughNightmareonElmStreetcough), it still didn't quite manage to recapture the glory days of Jason in his prime.

10. Friday the 13th Part 3D

Year: 1982

Jason: Richard Brooker

Final Girl: Chris Higgins (Dana Kimmell)

Best Kill: A man's skull gets crushed in eye-popping 3D. Literally.

This movie is historic, because it is the first film in which Jason dons his iconic hockey mask (yes, it took him this long). However, he steals it from an annoying Jew Fro Prankster named Shelly whom most of us would rather forget. Also featured: Female Michael Jackson, Much Too Old For Their Friends Hippy Couple, and Pregnant Girl Who Dies Anyway.

9. Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

Year: 1989

Jason: Kane Hodder

Final Girl: Rennie Wickham (Jensen Daggett)

Best Kill: A boxer gets his head punched off.

That title alone won me over. This is the first F13 movie I ever owned, and I currently have the poster hanging in my room, so I have a deep, abiding love for this film. But let's face it, this entry was kind of weak. Jason spends most his time on a cruise ship on the way to Manhattan (which, in a bold casting choice, is played by Vancouver) not really doing much of anything. Although he gets bonus points for sinking an entire ship.

8. Jason X

Year: 2002

Jason: Kane Hodder

Final Girl: Rowan LaFontaine (Lexa Doig)

Best Kill: A doctor's head is frozen in liquid nitrogen and smashed on a countertop.

Jason in space! Come on! Get pumped! I also proudly display this poster on my bedroom wall. Jason is taken to the hypermodern Crystal Lake Research Facility, cryogenically frozen, and unearthed by space teens who take him aboard their ship! Jason gets turned into a cyborg and fights a leather clad android! A naughty professor wears giant nipple clamps! Two topless holographic campers proclaim their love for premarital sex and wriggle around in sleeping bags to distract Jason! OK, I love this movie. The only reason it's not higher up is because it really doesn't have the DNA of the down-and-dirty Paramount original franchise. By this point, Jason had been sold off to New Line after Part VIII tanked and things got... a little weird.

7. Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives

Year: 1986

Jason: C. J. Graham

Final Girl: Tommy Jarvis (Thom Mathews), and because a girl always does have to survive, Megan Garris (Jennifer Cooke)

Best Kill: Just... this.

This is the point where the franchise began losing its sh*t. After the Jasonless Part V bombed, producers were desperate to regain audience goodwill (hence the title). Jason went from being cremated to buried in a coffin to struck by lightning and zombified. The butt-kicking Tommy Jarvis is played by the third actor in as many movies and (this had to come up at some point), the movie is a horror comedy. While some reviewers retch in disgust, I have already committed myself to loving this series and also have come to terms with the fact that, intentional or not, the other films in this franchise are already comedies. Also there's a triple decapitation. Mother always says "When three heads come off, you can't go wrong."

6. Freddy vs. Jason

Year: 2003

Jason: Ken Kirzinger

Final Girl: Lori Campbell (Monica Keena)

Best Kill: A kid in a folding bed gets bent backwards, then ruthlessly machete punched to death.

I would never insult this movie by pretending it needs an explanation as to why it is awesome. Moving on.

5. Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning

Year: 1985

Jason*: Dick Wieand

Final Girl: Tommy Jarvis (John Shepherd) feat. Pam Roberts (Melanie Kinnaman)

Best Kill: A man with... intestinal problems sits in an outhouse, flirts with his girlfriend, and gets stabbed with a spear

Following The Final Chapter by only a year, this movie seemed a wee bit insincere. The way the filmmakers got around this was by putting another man behind the mask, which had fans foaming at the mouths. However, I am one of the few defenders of this movie if only for one scene that took me by surprise. I won't say what it is (not that any of you who haven't seen it really want to), but for a movie as routine as the fifth installment in the F13 franchise to surprise anyone even a little bit means that there must have been a creative spark somewhere in the process. Also Tommy Jarvis is a kung fu master and the costume design looks like the 80's had a long night and vomited over the entire set.

4. Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter

Year: 1984

Jason: Ted White

Final Girl: Tommy Jarvis (Corey Feldman) feat. Trish Jarvis (Kimberly Beck)

Best Kill: Crispin Glover gets corkscrewed.

Now this is more like it. Mid-80's. Original franchise. Crispin Glover and Corey Feldman in a film together. The introduction of Tommy Jarvis, the only person to defeat Jason three times in a row. Skinny dipping! Hot twins! Nerd dancing! Teen parties! Tom Savini (the original makeup artist) is back! 1984 is having a party and you're all invited.

3. Friday the 13th Part 2

Year: 1981

Jason: Warrington Gillette

Final Girl: Ginny Field (Amy Steel)

Best Kill: The infamous sex kebab.

This film, directed by Steve Miner (who was the assistant director on the original), is the closest F13 film to actually being a good movie in its own right, or at least a competent one. This is the first film where Jason is the killer, and our Final Girl for the evening is a child psychologist played by Amy Steel who goes after Jason with all she has. Amy Steel later went on to star as the Final Girl in April Fool's Day which, even though it's only another slasher, is more of a career than any other final girl on this list. Also, the wheelchair kid gets a machete to the face and rolls down the stairs, proving once and for all that Jason is an equal opportunity killer.

2. Friday the 13th (1980)

Year: 1980

Jason: Ari Lehman

Final Girl: Alice Hardy (Adrienne King)

Best Kill: Kevin Bacon gets knifed in the back of the throat.

Where it all began... Directed by ex-softcore porn producer Sean S. Cunningham, Friday the 13th cashed in on the success of John Carpenter's Halloween and ignited the slasher boom of the early 80's. No slasher movie would be so influential until Wes Craven's A Nightmare on Elm Street in 1984. It's one of the only films in the series where camp counselors are the victims (contrary to popular belief), Harry Manfredini's brilliant discordant CH-CH-CH-HA-HA-HA effect is introduced. Tom Savini, the make-up artist of Dawn of the Dead, produces beautiful European style gore scenes the likes of which had never before been seen in American cinemas. Also it retroactively has a twist ending because modern audiences assume Jason is the killer. I watched it with some twelve-year-olds once (don't ask) and it was hilarious to see their faces once the killer was revealed.

1. Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood

Year: 1988

Jason: Kane Hodder

Final Girl: Tina Shepard (Lar Park-Lincoln)

Best Kill: Jason beats a girl in a sleeping bag against a tree - Kane Hodder's favorite kill.

Kane Hodder's first stint in the role of Jason is legendary. He is the fan consensus best actor to play Jason, but his other three times were in films of increasing inanity. Not that this film isn't inane. In fact, it very much is. But the inanity is of such a perfect late-80's desperate-for-cash paranormal slasher decibel that the film is a masterpiece of camp horror. Tina Shepard has telekinetic powers. You read that right. In attempting to resurrect her father who drowned in Crystal Lake when she was a child, she accidentally awakens Jason from the depths. The final girl sequence will go down in history as "the time Jason fought Carrie" and it is awesome. Finally, Jason has met his match, and it helps that this Jason is bigger, better, and more intimidating than any of his predecessors. The Final Girl sequence involves a long chase through the woods, Jason being attacked by plants, a house collapsing on his head, and so much more. Easily the most thoroughly weird and entertaining entry in this long-running (and my favorite) horror franchise.

With that said, I hope everybody has a happy (and safe) Jason day! I know I will.

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