Endless Summer

Alrighty, buckaroos. It’s September and things have slowed to a crawl around here because the sheer mass of movies that I’ve watched (among other real life obligations) is dragging behind me like tin cans on a “Just Married” car. Try as I might to knock out full reviews for each of these suckers, I’m but one fallible human being trying to have a good time. So it’s high time for some spring cleaning. Or rather, end of summer cleaning. I’m opening the windows, letting in some air, and clearing off those cluttered shelves to make way for the rich splendor of the Halloween season, where we can once again kick things into high gear. Buckle your seatbelts, kiddos.

The Return of the Living Dead

Year: 1985

Director: Dan O'Bannon

Cast: Clu Gulager, James Karen, Thom Mathews

Run Time: 1 hour 31 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

Despite the splendors of American Army engineering, a chemical agent at a medical warehouse leaks into the nearby cemetery where a group of punks are partying, causing zombies to rise.

80’s horror is kind of my thing, in case you hadn’t noticed. As an extension of that, I deserve a lifetime sentence in nerd hail for having waited so long to see The Return of the Living Dead. Having been written and directed by Dan O’Bannon (frequent John Carpenter collaborator and the man who wrote the story treatment for freaking Alien), and starring Clu Gulager (The Initiation, A Nightmare on Elm Street 2), James Karen (Poltergeist), Thom Mathews (the cutest Tommy Jarvis, from Friday the 13th Part VI), and Linnea Quigley (everything), I’m basically a Benedict Arnold to my cause, but I’ve rectified that now.

For its first thirty minutes or so, RotLD is unimpeachably the funniest horror comedy ever to walk this freshly-dug earth. The script is tight, fast-paced, and the tongue is so firmly in cheek that the teeth keep biting it every time they try to talk. The punk ensemble is a pitch perfect Greek Chorus of prickly delinquency led by a fearless Quigley with fire engine red toilet brush hair. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen Linnea crab walk her way over the hood of a car. The fact that she spends almost the entire remainder of the film naked certainly doesn’t tarnish the film’s cult reputation, but it’s also a dastardly hilarious shock gag that keeps on giving.

While the punks are pure bubblegum fun, the adult cast knows exactly what type of movie they’re making and have no qualms about pitching their performances up to the rafters. Karen and Gulager seem to be locked in a fierce battle to see who can burst their own blood vessels first, and the winner is us.

The set design is pretty top notch, too. Although the film never escapes the “this was made in somebody’s basement” feel, each element of the set is integrated into the storyline in a unique and clever way, from the eye test chart decorating the office wall to the pinned butterflies in the storage room.  Everything has a purpose, whether it’s a sight gag so subtle you’re liable to need further viewings to even notice it, or merely a feature that will come in handy later.

Unfortunately, Return of the Living Dead runs out of steam faster than me after foolishly assuming I can run a mile without warming up first. The characters are too thin to hang such a good movie on, and it ends up ripping right through them by the hallway point. The film never ever let up being entertaining, but its nonstop, careening clip flags in favor of a more standard house in siege movie that gives an inexplicably heavy level of focus to Miguel Nuñez (of Friday the 13th: A New Beginning, in which he was nominated for Best Supporting Actor for the role of Demon, the enchilada-scarfing biker who gets impaled while Hershey squirting in an outhouse).

And while the lead zombie has an impressive visage and a terrifying mien, the effects in the film are surprisingly demure for an 80’s zombie epic. For all the obsession with brains, there’s hardly a flash of the pink stuff, and what little we’re left with doesn’t exactly hold up all these years later.

It’s a very cheap, unassuming, slapdash little movie, but that’s exactly what allowed it to harness the gonzo anti-establishment energy that drives its engine for so much of the time. Do I wish it were more consistent? Yes. Would it be better with a gore top-up? Undoubtedly. But it’s still Return of the Living Dead, and its ratty, clever, indefatigable energy refuses to be held down. Nor would I want it to be. Let your freak flag fly, baby.

Rating: 7/10

Night of the Creeps

Year: 1986

Director: Fred Dekker

Cast: Jason Lively, Tom Atkins, Steve Marshall

Run Time: 1 hour 28 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

Two college freshmen accidentally unleash an alien experiment that turns people into evil zombies.

If I deserved a lifetime sentence in nerd jail for missing out on The Return of the Living Dead, having seen Night of the Creeps certainly qualifies me for parole on good behavior. The film, which has unfortunately almost been lost to the mists of time, is a true gem that deserves to be unearthed, packed with goodies from director Fred Dekker (of The Monster Squad, a much more recognized flick).

For starters, I’m a sucker for college movies and Night of the Creeps is an excellent depiction of the freshman year experience. Within relatable situations (crushing on the unattainable girl, rushing the unattainable frat, experiencing freedom for the very first time), Dekker (who also wrote the screenplay) etches out a genuine friendship between two teens, ride with rich humor and poignant humanity. With such a strong core to branch out from, Night of the Creeps is free to explore all sorts of crazy side streets and as such is one of the most explosively creative, jubilantly hilarious horror-comedies of the decade, hitting both sides of that hyphenate in nearly equal measure.

Admittedly though, one side does dominate through seer strength and willpower so let’s begin with that one: the comedy. There’s so much going on in the film (frat pranks, alien ray gun fights, parasitic zombie worms, a black and white sci-fi prologue, and even a mad axe-wielding slasher) that it would rattle with pure energy even without a strong creative vision. But Dekker must be French for “duct tape” because the man holds all the disparate elements together like a pro, infusing them with laugh-out-loud wit every step of the way. The film traffics in self-referential, winking humor in the vein of Jason Lives, but just like its plot, it can’t nail itself down to one single style. High camp, sophomoric frat comedy, goofy sight gags, and intellectual barbs are tossed into the mélange and blended expertly.

No single actor exemplifies this movie’s personality more than Tom Atkins (of Maniac Cop and Halloween III: Season of the Witch). Atkins swallows the script, digests it, and expels it from every pore of his body. His “Thrill Me,” catch phrase is iconic, but every aspect of his character (the detective investigating the strange happenings on campus) from his deadpan one-liner deliveries to his clipped, decisive movements and hyperbolically serious demeanor is explosively inexplicable and outrageously mirth-inducing. It is also thanks to Atkins that the horror portion of the film works even a quarter as well as it does.

The gravitas he lends to the proceedings allow the scarier moments to get under your skin and claw their way firmly around the base of your spine. Between him and the excellent special effects (which render what could have been totally silly parasite worms as utterly menacing, absolutely autonomous creatures with drive and sinister purpose), Night of the Creeps lands some square sucker punches when you least expect it.

And the filmmaking ain’t half bad, either. When you compare Night of the Creeps to Return of the Living Dead, another goofy horror flick directed by its writer, it’s light years head behind the camera. There’s some daring cinematography, including an immensely memorable spinning shot that outstrips any single visual moment in RotLD, and the lighting scheme (especially when it veers into pulpy pinks and blues) is quite dashing.

All in all, Night of the Creeps is an easy film to fall head over heels for. It’s a heap of fleshy, flashy fun, and it really deserves to stand shoulder to shoulder with classic titles like Evil Dead II and Ghostbusters, if I do say so myself. It’s my blog. Sue me.

Rating: 8/10

I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

Year: 1998

Director: Danny Cannon

Cast: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Freddie Prinze Jr., Brandy

Run Time: 1 hour 40 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

Julie James is back and wetter than ever – on an island vacation ruined by monsoon weather, the rain slicker-clad killer returns to claim the lives of her and her friends.

I Know What You Did Last Summer is hardly a classic teen slasher, so the fact that it more or less instantly dove into the realm of ludicrous, crappy sequeldom shouldn’t come as a surprise. In a way, it almost improves the series, and in many ways it makes it a whole lot worse. The instant backslide into pulpy nonsense is fondly reminiscent of 80’s slasher dreck, but the film is so inextricably stupid that – like the Eskimos – I was forced to come up with 50 different words to differentiate the various gradations of stupid that I encountered. Here is but a small sample.

Idiotsplosive: This is a word for something that’s loudly, obnoxiously idiotic. You can’t possibly ignore it because it’s in your face with a bullhorn shouting “Here I am!’ and sharing Facebook posts about Donald Trump.

This word is the exclusive domain of characters like Jack Black cameoing as the local pothead. Yes, that Jack Black. He runs through nearly every scene in the first act, practically flapping his arms and shrieking inane stereotypes. It’s sheer bliss when he gets a set of hedge clippers buried in his chest. This word also handily describes the score, which is mostly content to busty itself combining rip-offs of Friday the 13th and The Exorcist, but the second anything remotely tense happens, gets overexcited and lets loose with a cacophony of bleats and squeals. Someone touches Julie’s shoulder? BWAMP! A mote of dust lands on a lamp in the foreground? BWLEH! It’s exhausting.

Infinidim: This is a word for something so richly, complexly stupid that it borders on incomprehensible.

This word was created for scenes like the opening red herring, which assume that nobody in the audience knows the capitol of Brazil and that no angry bystander will have irately shouted the correct answer before the reveal an hour later. This word also comes in handy for a film that bases two entirely separate scare scenes around clothes dryers. If you care to extrapolate from that, there’s rather slim pickings when it comes to decent frights in this flick, though one of its jump scares is suitably goosebump-inducing.

Stupidndous: This is a word for something so outrageously daft that it can’t help but be heaps of fun.

Here’s a line from I Still Know What You Did Last Summer: “That was like, heart attack time!” In short, this is a fantastic party movie if you’ve got a big bowl of popcorn and a pile of quip-ready friends. From the high camp of the killer’s reveal and the epilogue (“I love my electric toothbrush!”) to the nonsensical voodoo subplot and the daring decision to put Jennifer Love Hewitt in a sports bra while a hurricane rages around her, this movie does everything wrong in all the right ways.

Micromoronic: This is the word for when the stupid hasn’t entirely gone away, but has temporarily subsided to manageable levels.

Believe it or not, there’s a couple almost completely decent elements to ISKWYDLS. For one, the cinematography is gorgeous, capturing long summer nights with a crisp honey glow and shooting the hotel hallways with an almost (dare I say) Dean Cundey-esque precision to the placement of light and shadow. And I must admit that a stormy tropical island is a pretty awesome place to set a slasher movie, Brandy or no Brandy.

At the end of the day, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer is harmless. If you’re lactose intolerant, you won’t be able to stomach its lethal levels of cheese, but otherwise it’s a half-decent flick for a summer marathon as long as you never take it seriously. It’s not as well made as its predecessor, but it might just be more fun to watch, so take your pick.

Body Count: 9

1. Dave is hooked through the mouth.
2. Derek is hooked to death.
3. Housekeep has her throat slashed.
4. Titus is stabbed in the chest with hedge clippers.
5. Hotel Manager is knifed in the skull.
6. Tyrell is hooked through the neck.
7. Hestus is harpooned in the back.
8. Nancy is harpooned in the gut.
9. Will is hooked in the chest.

Rating: 5/10

Word Count: 2194
Reviews In This Series
I Know What You Did Last Summer (Gillespie, 1997)
I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (Cannon, 1998)

Census Bloodbath: It Ain't Easy Being Forest Green

Year: 1986

Director: Tom McLoughlin

Cast: Thom Mathews, Jennifer Cooke, David Kagen

Run Time: 1 hour 26 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

1985's Friday the 13th: A New Beginning was a pile of crap that outraged and alienated its core audience when the hockey masked killer turned out to be a particularly idiotic copycat (the utterly forgettable Roy the Paramedic). But, hey. It still made Paramount a solid 900% profit on its insultingly low budget, and they weren't about to throw that money machine away again. 

So Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives was given a slightly improved budget and a juicy summer release date. The one thing left to do was get that disgruntled audience back - hence the hilariously insistent title, Jason Lives.

"IT'S ME, JASON. JASON VOORHEES. I, JASON, AM ALIVE. WHO IS ROY?"

In fact, the entirety of A New Beginning is whisked away with some particularly vigorous retconning. Pam Roberts, enchilada poop, and the Ballad of Ethel and Junior are swept under the rug. And that ending where it's revealed that a grown-up Tommy Jarvis (John Shepherd) has become the new Jason? You must be thinking of some other Tommy Jarvis, because our sexy flannel-wearing hero could never hurt a fly.

Budget well spent.

Tommy Jarvis (Thom Mathews) has ditched the institution (to which he has been committed since age 12 for some serious "being Corey Feldman" issues) and returned to the town of Crystal Lake - newly rechristened as Forest Green to help citizens and visitors forget all that nasty business with that pissed off goalie.

Tommy brings his friend Allen (Ron Palillo, one of the main characters on Welcome Back, Kotter) along for the field trip of a brief lifetime when he decides to visit the grave of Jason Voorhees (C. J. Graham) to make sure he's actually dead. You'd think chopping him in the head forty times with a machete would do the trick, but he's bounced back from worse. As indeed he does again when Tommy's ill-advised attempts to impale the corpse on an iron fencepost attract the unwanted attention of some lighting, electrocuting the steadfast serial killer out of his dirt nap.

Allen bites the dust with predictable swiftness in a gore effect (namely, his heart being punched out) that will make the gorehound in you sigh with relief after the uninspiring work in A New Beginning. Overall, Jason is much more ruthless this time around, dispatching his victims with wanton alacrity (including, in one memorable sequence, a notorious triple decapitation), as if hurrying to make up for lost time.

This same scene also showcases the other main characterizing feature of the film, which is also its most divisive - the humor. You see, after Jason kicks off his murder spree and Tommy disappears into the night, the camera zooms in on his eye, revealing a machete-weilding Jason inside reenacting the famous "barrel of a gun" intro from James Bond. This is perhaps the most on-the-nose pop culture moment in the film, but by far not the only moment that absolutely intends to elicit laughter.

At least I hope so.

Some fans take issue with this, not wanting their horror to be sullied by a camp sensibility (pun not intended, but absolutely welcome). I however, accept this turn of events with open arms, largely because the humorous glint in the script was the brainchild of writer-director Tom McLoughlin, the closest the Friday the 13th franchise ever had to an "auteur."

With such a solid unifying concept and a driving passion behind it, McLoughlin brings a level of effort to the film that the series sorely needed, lest it stop dead in its tracks. His carefully constructed gags (the self-awareness of which may be a turn-off to some, but least of all me) give the film a level of craftsmanship that, while certainly not nearly historically noteworthy, make this entry much more cinematic than many of its predecessors. This couldn't have happened without being McLoughlin's baby and he takes care of it with the respect and grace it deserves.

Which isn't a ton, admittedly.

So. With McLoughlin's humor comes a remarkable visual style and a deftness with plot that makes Part V look like a fool with its pants on the ground. You see, Jason Lives juggles not one but two simultaneous plotlines! Maybe that's not worth breaking out the champagne, but after the last film's revolving meat tray, any even mildly involving plot is like an oasis in the desert.

The two interweaving parts are as such:

1) Tommy Jarvis does his best to convince Sheriff Garris (David Kagen) of the return of the now mythical Mr. Voorhees, but ends up on the lam as the decreasingly bemused officer is convinced that Tommy is a crackpot roustabout.

2) The counselors at Camp Forest Green pull pranks, have sex, and most shockingly deal with actual campers. The presence of children provides an edge to the horror like no film before it, but obviously the focus is on our dear counselors. Shall we Meet the Meat?

We shall.

First off, there's Paula (Kerry Noonan) who defied my initial expectations by not actually being the Final Girl, although in retrospect she makes far too many dumb decisions to deserve that distinction; then there's Sissy (Renée Jones, who has since been in - holy crap - 1,288 episodes of Days of Our Lives), the playful Not Quite Token minority, of which the Friday franchise has a surprising amount in these middle sequels; Cort (Tom Fridley, later of Phantom of the Mall: Eric's Revenge, one of the most excitingly titled 1989 slashers), our designated 80's ambassador with feathered mullet hair, a single ear piercing, holes in his jeans large enough to fit the entire Duran Duran discography, and who dies listening to Alice Cooper; and Megan Garris (Jennifer Cooke), the resourceful and fearless daughter of the Sheriff who has developed something of a thing for one Tommy Jarvis.

She also knows what to do with a laser scope. My kinda woman.

What's this? A last name, more than one character trait, and a relationship with both key members of the other storyline? Ladies and gentlemen, we have met our Final Girl. In fact, Megan will prove to be one of the better Final Girls in the franchise with her cleverness, bravery, and sense of fun. She's also the only person with enough narrative momentum to move fluidly between the two mostly separated plot branches, fitting in perfectly to the action adventure mold of Tommy Jarvis' flight from the cops and the spritely teen slasher that is occupying some other realm entirely up at Camp Crystal Lake Forest Green.

And she doesn't have sex during the film (which is wise, because she has far more important things to do), but she's a young woman with a clear libido who ends up surviving Jason's wrath, which is a huge step forward for gender representation in the franchise.

No wonder Tommy likes her - hey, I think I used to own that coat.

Jason Lives is one of the most idiosyncratic and special entries in the entire franchise, a delightful blend of post-Nightmare supernatural horror (Jason is quite decisively a zombie this time around) and pre-Scream meta humor.

The visual spectrum is 100 times wider than A New Beginning, the first entry in the second phase of the franchise, ever could have dreamed of with multiple shots that would be considered among the most graceful in the entire 12 film series. Most notable among these shots are one where Jason stalks a girl from outside the window of the cabin she's in and an early centered shot when he is menacing his first new set of victims after his resurrection. Again, I can't stress enough how that, in any other Hollywood film, this kind of visual effort would be totally commonplace, but here in the Fridayverse it stands out like Hitchcockian caliber perfection.

Jason = This movie. The RV = A New Beginning.

The acting here is also of a higher caliber than normal with even bit parts like the offed-early Lizabeth (played by the director's wife Nancy Mc Loughlin) bringing a warmth and easygoing charm to their roles. Mathews and Cooke especially have a lighthearted chemistry that complements the film's good humor tremendously.

At the end of it all, Jason Lives isn't quite a scary film - slasher films are never scary - but it is an immensely charming and well put-together sequel that could even be considered a slightly "good" film in a franchise known for overt badness. It's not quite as gory as the Savini-fueled original and Final Chapter and it doesn't boast the hilarious insipidity of entries like The New Blood or Jason Takes Manhattan, but it is certainly a top tier Jason flick that deserves a lot more respect than it typically gets.

Killer: Jason Voorhees (C. J. Graham)

Final Girl: Tommy Jarvis (Thom Matthews) feat. Megan Garris (Jennifer Cooke)

Best Kill: I'm a big fan of that smiley face one, which occurs when Jason smashes Burt into a tree.

Sign of the Times: Everybody, I'd like you to meet Cort.

Scariest Moment: Jason stalks a counselor while she's walking among the children in the cabin.

Weirdest Moment: Two fully clothed people have sex in an RV.

Champion Dialogue: "He can't come to the phone right now. He's in the can draining his lizard."

Body Count: 18

1. Allen has his heart punched out.
2. Darren speared to death.
3. Lizabeth is speared and drowned. 
4. Burt has his arm ripped off and is thrown into a tree.
5. Stan is decapitated.
6. Larry is decapitated.
7. Katie is decapitated.
8. Martin has a broken bottle shoved in his throat. 
9. Steven is impaled to his fiancée.
10. Annette is impaled to her fiancé. 
11. Nikki's face is crushed against an RV restroom wall.
12. Cort is stabbed in the head with a hunting knife.
13. Roy is chopped into pieces.
14. Sissy has her head ripped off.
15. Paula's insides repaint the cabin walls.
16. Officer Thornton gets a dart in the forehead.
17. Officer Pappas gets his skull crushed. 
18. Sherriff Garris is bent in half backwards.

TL;DR: Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives is funny, clever, and visually cohesive, an excellent addition to the franchise.

Rating: 8/10

Word Count: 1703

Reviews In This Series
Friday the 13th (Cunningham, 1980)
Friday the 13th Part 2 (Miner, 1981)
Friday the 13th Part 3: 3D (Miner, 1982)
Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (Zito, 1984)
Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (Steinmann, 1985)
Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (McLoughlin, 1986)
Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (Buechler, 1988)
Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (Hedden, 1989)
Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (Marcus, 1993)
Jason X (Isaac, 2001)
Freddy vs. Jason (Yu, 2003)
Friday the 13th (Nispel, 2009)

His Name Was Jason... And Today Is His Birthday

Today is Thursday, June 13th and that can only mean two things.

1) It is Jason Voorhees' 65th birthday! He's getting up there but he's managed to stay in shape.

Still eviscerating teenagers like a 20-year-old.

2) Considering it's a Thursday, we can breathe easy knowing that we're safe to live another day. We're only in danger when it's a...

Well, sh*t.

At any rate, we've got a year left. Make the most of it.

In honor of this Day of Days, as I do every year, I've planned a Friday the 13th event. Now, I won't get around to reviewing the series just about yet, that's a task for my all day marathon next year. But in honor of the day, I have prepared this list for y'all.

Warning: This article contains photos of gore scenes which I generally consider cheesy, but if you're squeamish just be prepared.

The Top 12 Friday the 13th Movies: Ranked Worst to Best

12. Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday

Year: 1993

Jason: Kane Hodder

Final Girl: Jessica Kimble (Kari Keegan)

Best Kill: A girl gets vertically SPLIT IN HALF mid-coitus.

Although the patent absurdity of Jason getting blown up by the FBI and becoming a body-controlling demon worm makes this film absolutely worth watching, the fabulous Kane Hodder is underused in one of only four turns as Jason Voorhees and the film ultimately gets bogged down in its own mythology.

11. Friday the 13th (2009)

Year: 2009

Jason: Derek Mears

Final Girl: Whitney Miller (Amanda Righetti) [Also, weirdly enough, Jared Padalecki]

Best Death: A girl hiding under a dock gets stabbed from above through the wood - and her skull.

Although this film wasn't a terrible terrible remake like some movies we know (coughcoughNightmareonElmStreetcough), it still didn't quite manage to recapture the glory days of Jason in his prime.

10. Friday the 13th Part 3D

Year: 1982

Jason: Richard Brooker

Final Girl: Chris Higgins (Dana Kimmell)

Best Kill: A man's skull gets crushed in eye-popping 3D. Literally.

This movie is historic, because it is the first film in which Jason dons his iconic hockey mask (yes, it took him this long). However, he steals it from an annoying Jew Fro Prankster named Shelly whom most of us would rather forget. Also featured: Female Michael Jackson, Much Too Old For Their Friends Hippy Couple, and Pregnant Girl Who Dies Anyway.

9. Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

Year: 1989

Jason: Kane Hodder

Final Girl: Rennie Wickham (Jensen Daggett)

Best Kill: A boxer gets his head punched off.

That title alone won me over. This is the first F13 movie I ever owned, and I currently have the poster hanging in my room, so I have a deep, abiding love for this film. But let's face it, this entry was kind of weak. Jason spends most his time on a cruise ship on the way to Manhattan (which, in a bold casting choice, is played by Vancouver) not really doing much of anything. Although he gets bonus points for sinking an entire ship.

8. Jason X

Year: 2002

Jason: Kane Hodder

Final Girl: Rowan LaFontaine (Lexa Doig)

Best Kill: A doctor's head is frozen in liquid nitrogen and smashed on a countertop.

Jason in space! Come on! Get pumped! I also proudly display this poster on my bedroom wall. Jason is taken to the hypermodern Crystal Lake Research Facility, cryogenically frozen, and unearthed by space teens who take him aboard their ship! Jason gets turned into a cyborg and fights a leather clad android! A naughty professor wears giant nipple clamps! Two topless holographic campers proclaim their love for premarital sex and wriggle around in sleeping bags to distract Jason! OK, I love this movie. The only reason it's not higher up is because it really doesn't have the DNA of the down-and-dirty Paramount original franchise. By this point, Jason had been sold off to New Line after Part VIII tanked and things got... a little weird.

7. Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives

Year: 1986

Jason: C. J. Graham

Final Girl: Tommy Jarvis (Thom Mathews), and because a girl always does have to survive, Megan Garris (Jennifer Cooke)

Best Kill: Just... this.

This is the point where the franchise began losing its sh*t. After the Jasonless Part V bombed, producers were desperate to regain audience goodwill (hence the title). Jason went from being cremated to buried in a coffin to struck by lightning and zombified. The butt-kicking Tommy Jarvis is played by the third actor in as many movies and (this had to come up at some point), the movie is a horror comedy. While some reviewers retch in disgust, I have already committed myself to loving this series and also have come to terms with the fact that, intentional or not, the other films in this franchise are already comedies. Also there's a triple decapitation. Mother always says "When three heads come off, you can't go wrong."

6. Freddy vs. Jason

Year: 2003

Jason: Ken Kirzinger

Final Girl: Lori Campbell (Monica Keena)

Best Kill: A kid in a folding bed gets bent backwards, then ruthlessly machete punched to death.

I would never insult this movie by pretending it needs an explanation as to why it is awesome. Moving on.

5. Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning

Year: 1985

Jason*: Dick Wieand

Final Girl: Tommy Jarvis (John Shepherd) feat. Pam Roberts (Melanie Kinnaman)

Best Kill: A man with... intestinal problems sits in an outhouse, flirts with his girlfriend, and gets stabbed with a spear

Following The Final Chapter by only a year, this movie seemed a wee bit insincere. The way the filmmakers got around this was by putting another man behind the mask, which had fans foaming at the mouths. However, I am one of the few defenders of this movie if only for one scene that took me by surprise. I won't say what it is (not that any of you who haven't seen it really want to), but for a movie as routine as the fifth installment in the F13 franchise to surprise anyone even a little bit means that there must have been a creative spark somewhere in the process. Also Tommy Jarvis is a kung fu master and the costume design looks like the 80's had a long night and vomited over the entire set.

4. Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter

Year: 1984

Jason: Ted White

Final Girl: Tommy Jarvis (Corey Feldman) feat. Trish Jarvis (Kimberly Beck)

Best Kill: Crispin Glover gets corkscrewed.

Now this is more like it. Mid-80's. Original franchise. Crispin Glover and Corey Feldman in a film together. The introduction of Tommy Jarvis, the only person to defeat Jason three times in a row. Skinny dipping! Hot twins! Nerd dancing! Teen parties! Tom Savini (the original makeup artist) is back! 1984 is having a party and you're all invited.

3. Friday the 13th Part 2

Year: 1981

Jason: Warrington Gillette

Final Girl: Ginny Field (Amy Steel)

Best Kill: The infamous sex kebab.

This film, directed by Steve Miner (who was the assistant director on the original), is the closest F13 film to actually being a good movie in its own right, or at least a competent one. This is the first film where Jason is the killer, and our Final Girl for the evening is a child psychologist played by Amy Steel who goes after Jason with all she has. Amy Steel later went on to star as the Final Girl in April Fool's Day which, even though it's only another slasher, is more of a career than any other final girl on this list. Also, the wheelchair kid gets a machete to the face and rolls down the stairs, proving once and for all that Jason is an equal opportunity killer.

2. Friday the 13th (1980)

Year: 1980

Jason: Ari Lehman

Final Girl: Alice Hardy (Adrienne King)

Best Kill: Kevin Bacon gets knifed in the back of the throat.

Where it all began... Directed by ex-softcore porn producer Sean S. Cunningham, Friday the 13th cashed in on the success of John Carpenter's Halloween and ignited the slasher boom of the early 80's. No slasher movie would be so influential until Wes Craven's A Nightmare on Elm Street in 1984. It's one of the only films in the series where camp counselors are the victims (contrary to popular belief), Harry Manfredini's brilliant discordant CH-CH-CH-HA-HA-HA effect is introduced. Tom Savini, the make-up artist of Dawn of the Dead, produces beautiful European style gore scenes the likes of which had never before been seen in American cinemas. Also it retroactively has a twist ending because modern audiences assume Jason is the killer. I watched it with some twelve-year-olds once (don't ask) and it was hilarious to see their faces once the killer was revealed.

1. Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood

Year: 1988

Jason: Kane Hodder

Final Girl: Tina Shepard (Lar Park-Lincoln)

Best Kill: Jason beats a girl in a sleeping bag against a tree - Kane Hodder's favorite kill.

Kane Hodder's first stint in the role of Jason is legendary. He is the fan consensus best actor to play Jason, but his other three times were in films of increasing inanity. Not that this film isn't inane. In fact, it very much is. But the inanity is of such a perfect late-80's desperate-for-cash paranormal slasher decibel that the film is a masterpiece of camp horror. Tina Shepard has telekinetic powers. You read that right. In attempting to resurrect her father who drowned in Crystal Lake when she was a child, she accidentally awakens Jason from the depths. The final girl sequence will go down in history as "the time Jason fought Carrie" and it is awesome. Finally, Jason has met his match, and it helps that this Jason is bigger, better, and more intimidating than any of his predecessors. The Final Girl sequence involves a long chase through the woods, Jason being attacked by plants, a house collapsing on his head, and so much more. Easily the most thoroughly weird and entertaining entry in this long-running (and my favorite) horror franchise.

With that said, I hope everybody has a happy (and safe) Jason day! I know I will.

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