Census Bloodbath: Alma Murder

For our podcast episode about this very movie, please click here.

Year: 1987

Director: Bill Froehlich

Cast: Lori Lethin, Brendan Hughes, Alex Rocco

Run Time: 1 hour 35 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

Well, it’s that time of year again. The sun is beating down, the kids are pulling themselves up by the backpack straps and heading back to school, and... I’m not one of them. That’s right, I’m just another college grad, facing the endless void of the unlimited future. Like so many film majors before me, I’m clinging desperately to my wall of DVDs, hoping they won’t fling me off into eternal limbo. But unlike those chuckleheads, I have supremely bad taste and I’ve chosen to commemorate Back to School week with the 1987 meta slasher classic Return to Horror High. Contrary to popular belief, this film is not a sequel to anything. It might not even technically qualify as a film, but hear me out here.

Return to Horror High is a very special brand of late 80’s slash-‘em-up. It was so far into the rapidly deflating slasher boom that hardly any of the films actually took themselves seriously anymore. 1987 was the year of A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, the film which saw Freddy’s full metamorphosis into quipping carnival huckster, and many contemporaneous flicks like Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers, Slumber Party Massacre II, and Cheerleader Camp followed suit with goofy, Hannah-Barbera antics. Horror high is silly enough to be lumped into that category, and yet it transcends it with some legitimately intriguing satire.

It’s still a shallow microbudget exploitation scudbucket, but it has a flash of intelligence that lodges it firmly between the superficial parody of a Shriek if You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th and the insightful skewering of Scream. Unlike any of its peers, it actually has something to unpack. Even if most of that is Styrofoam fluff, it’s a remarkable achievement.

I’ll elaborate, but I should probably explain the plot before this review turns into a Tolstoy novel.

Return to Horror High tells the story of Crippen High School, a campus that was rocked with a series of murders in 1982. When a film crew descends upon the now-abandoned campus to shoot a movie based on those very killings, they soon realize that whoever perpetrated them might never have left as they begin to disappear one by one. This story is told though evidence collected after the fact from the only survivor - the screenwriter Arthur Lyman (Richard Brestoff) – by the stoic Chief Dreyner (Pepper Martin of The Outing) and the sexily irreverent Officer Tyler (an exultant Maureen McCormick, finally free from the shackles of Marcia Brady) on the front lawn, which is strewn with dismembered bodies.

The cast and crew include Callie Cassidy (Lori Lethin of Bloody Birthday and The Prey) the effervescent leading ldy; Harry (actual notable Alex Rocco of The Godfather), the sleazebag producer with a bimbo in one hand and a sandwich in the same hand; Steven Blake (Brendan Hughes), a corn-fed and studly local cop who winds up with a role opposite Callie, who just might be interested in loving him; and Oliver (underrated character actor George Clooney), the leading man who gets whisked away on a cushy pilot gig and becomes the killer’s first victim.

There’s nothing better than watching Oscar-winning actors kick the bucket in movies that cost less than their most recent grocery run.

The truly flabbergasting thing about Horror High is that it’s actually consistently, intentionally funny. Its sense of humor might be too daffy for the more highbrow epicures among us, but if that describes you, how did you even find my blog in the first place? Crew members pile out of a bathroom stall like a clown car, the director and the FX guy get into a fight over a set of exploding breast implants, and the janitor mops up the blood after every kill. It’s like an Abbott and Costello routine gone haywire, mixed up with the already ever-present 80’s camp that looms throughout the film like the truly outrageous amount of smoke in its hallways (from the looks of things, their smoke machine budget probably outstripped their payroll budget, which would explain why Clooney is only in one scene).

Because of its ludicrous tone, Horror High allows itself a stroke of genius that many of its slasher brethren are denied: it turns its low budget into an asset rather than a liability. First on the chopping block are the kills, which have to share about a thimble of blood between them like it’s Christmas morning in a Dickensian orphanage. The film converts a great deal of these into sight gags, using match cuts to imply a bigger impact through a silly juxtaposition or using a silhouetted and/or offscreen kill as a punchline to another scene. SPOILERS [An attempt to explain it all away by having every death be a hoax goes totally awry in a nonsensical, almost psychedelic closing sequence, but I admire the screenwriters’ chutzpah in attempting to push the film so far over the top that the top is just a distant, happy memory.]

But the cleverest integration of its low budget mojo is also the film’s postmodern heart and soul. Utilizing its nature as a film within a film, Return to Horror High goes hog wild, unabashedly exposing its own lighting setups, revealing the edges of its sets, and generally reveling in its own artifice. And why not? The plot takes place on a film set, so nothing is off limits.  The scenes being shot are based on a true story, so they also serve as flashbacks, and any flaws in the scenes shot in “reality” can be explained away by the superficialities of life on a film set [as well as the fact that the story being told by Lyman may well be entirely fabricated]. Everything coils back in on itself like a bedazzled M. C. Escher piece and it’s mildly brilliant.

A slasher with any sort of brain in its head is like that horse that can do math. You wouldn’t notice in in a film of any other genre – rather, you’d expect it - but it’s something truly surprising and remarkable to behold under the circumstance. I just want to pet it and feed it a salt lick.

While Return to Horror High does have several layers to it (first and foremost a genuinely decent camp comedy horror flick, second a meta take on exploitation filmmaking), no matter how deep you strip mine, there’s not a shred of horror tension to be found in the entire thing (especially once you realize that not a single death is actually onscreen). That’s certainly not damning, especially considering how much of it undeniably works, but it definitely feels like there’s a final piece missing from the puzzle. Perhaps if the film’s denouement made more sense, or in fact any slight glimmer of sense at all, it would be rid of the somewhat bereaved quality it leaves the audience behind with, but as it stands it opens stronger than it closes. Kind of like when my mom packs my suitcase for me on a trip.

However, griping about Return to Horror High can be dangerous, because the film is a Rock Slide Zone of 80’s cheese. The noise of even a mild complaint instantly becomes buried beneath a teetering tower of relentlessly abysmal fashions, topsy turvy performances, and dazzlingly surreal scenes that defy the imagination. I’m hesitant to spoil the masses of riches that this film has to offer, so I’ll describe only one that you – dear reader – may test the water: Officer Tyler, drenched in blood, describes the carnage she just witnessed while fondling her own boob.

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia…

Return to Horror High certainly isn’t for everyone, but it’s one of the best bad movies of the late slasher cycle and it comes highly recommended from yours truly. It’s wacky, wet, and wild. You won’t experience anything even remotely similar to the classic slashers we know and love, but sometimes it’s nice to have a break and stare in incredulity at a screen for 90 minutes as something inutterably, ineffably, indelibly remarkable unfolds. Plus, if you’ve ever wanted to see George Clooney get ruthlessly murdered by a psycho in yellow dishwashing gloves, you’ll never have a better opportunity.

Killer: Principal Kastleman (Andy Romano) [But who actually dies?]

Final Girl: Callie Cassidy (Lori Lethin)

Best Kill: it’s not gory, or even particularly specific (Oliver is slammed against a door and blood pools – we don’t even glimpse a murder weapon) but seeing Clooney in a classically generic slasher sequence is a sight to behold.

Sign of the Times: Callie Cassidy investigates murders in a chic periwinkle jumpsuit.

Scariest Moment: In the film within the film, a Quasimodo-masked killer dissects a biology teacher.

Weirdest Moment: Steven tears the mask off an African-American janitor’s face to reveal the white principal and angrily shouts, “Kastleman, you honky!”

Champion Dialogue: “Would you care to walk around in the scene with your schlong hanging out? Only in your case, darling, it would be a schlort.”

Body Count: 10

1. Oliver is killed offscreen.
2. Actor is decapitated with an axe.
3. Grip is dragged into a sandbox.
4. Robbie is slashed with a fan.
5. Mr. Burnbaum is dissected in the film.
6. Blake’s neck is snapped in a dream.
7. Callie Cassidy is decapitated in a dream.
8. Freddy is killed offscreen.
9. Harry is decapitated.
10. Josh is decapitated.

TL;DR: Return to Horror High is a genuinely funny, if underfunded slasher satire.

Rating: 7/10

Word Count: 1600

Census Bloodbath: It Ain't Easy Being Forest Green

Year: 1986

Director: Tom McLoughlin

Cast: Thom Mathews, Jennifer Cooke, David Kagen

Run Time: 1 hour 26 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

1985's Friday the 13th: A New Beginning was a pile of crap that outraged and alienated its core audience when the hockey masked killer turned out to be a particularly idiotic copycat (the utterly forgettable Roy the Paramedic). But, hey. It still made Paramount a solid 900% profit on its insultingly low budget, and they weren't about to throw that money machine away again. 

So Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives was given a slightly improved budget and a juicy summer release date. The one thing left to do was get that disgruntled audience back - hence the hilariously insistent title, Jason Lives.

"IT'S ME, JASON. JASON VOORHEES. I, JASON, AM ALIVE. WHO IS ROY?"

In fact, the entirety of A New Beginning is whisked away with some particularly vigorous retconning. Pam Roberts, enchilada poop, and the Ballad of Ethel and Junior are swept under the rug. And that ending where it's revealed that a grown-up Tommy Jarvis (John Shepherd) has become the new Jason? You must be thinking of some other Tommy Jarvis, because our sexy flannel-wearing hero could never hurt a fly.

Budget well spent.

Tommy Jarvis (Thom Mathews) has ditched the institution (to which he has been committed since age 12 for some serious "being Corey Feldman" issues) and returned to the town of Crystal Lake - newly rechristened as Forest Green to help citizens and visitors forget all that nasty business with that pissed off goalie.

Tommy brings his friend Allen (Ron Palillo, one of the main characters on Welcome Back, Kotter) along for the field trip of a brief lifetime when he decides to visit the grave of Jason Voorhees (C. J. Graham) to make sure he's actually dead. You'd think chopping him in the head forty times with a machete would do the trick, but he's bounced back from worse. As indeed he does again when Tommy's ill-advised attempts to impale the corpse on an iron fencepost attract the unwanted attention of some lighting, electrocuting the steadfast serial killer out of his dirt nap.

Allen bites the dust with predictable swiftness in a gore effect (namely, his heart being punched out) that will make the gorehound in you sigh with relief after the uninspiring work in A New Beginning. Overall, Jason is much more ruthless this time around, dispatching his victims with wanton alacrity (including, in one memorable sequence, a notorious triple decapitation), as if hurrying to make up for lost time.

This same scene also showcases the other main characterizing feature of the film, which is also its most divisive - the humor. You see, after Jason kicks off his murder spree and Tommy disappears into the night, the camera zooms in on his eye, revealing a machete-weilding Jason inside reenacting the famous "barrel of a gun" intro from James Bond. This is perhaps the most on-the-nose pop culture moment in the film, but by far not the only moment that absolutely intends to elicit laughter.

At least I hope so.

Some fans take issue with this, not wanting their horror to be sullied by a camp sensibility (pun not intended, but absolutely welcome). I however, accept this turn of events with open arms, largely because the humorous glint in the script was the brainchild of writer-director Tom McLoughlin, the closest the Friday the 13th franchise ever had to an "auteur."

With such a solid unifying concept and a driving passion behind it, McLoughlin brings a level of effort to the film that the series sorely needed, lest it stop dead in its tracks. His carefully constructed gags (the self-awareness of which may be a turn-off to some, but least of all me) give the film a level of craftsmanship that, while certainly not nearly historically noteworthy, make this entry much more cinematic than many of its predecessors. This couldn't have happened without being McLoughlin's baby and he takes care of it with the respect and grace it deserves.

Which isn't a ton, admittedly.

So. With McLoughlin's humor comes a remarkable visual style and a deftness with plot that makes Part V look like a fool with its pants on the ground. You see, Jason Lives juggles not one but two simultaneous plotlines! Maybe that's not worth breaking out the champagne, but after the last film's revolving meat tray, any even mildly involving plot is like an oasis in the desert.

The two interweaving parts are as such:

1) Tommy Jarvis does his best to convince Sheriff Garris (David Kagen) of the return of the now mythical Mr. Voorhees, but ends up on the lam as the decreasingly bemused officer is convinced that Tommy is a crackpot roustabout.

2) The counselors at Camp Forest Green pull pranks, have sex, and most shockingly deal with actual campers. The presence of children provides an edge to the horror like no film before it, but obviously the focus is on our dear counselors. Shall we Meet the Meat?

We shall.

First off, there's Paula (Kerry Noonan) who defied my initial expectations by not actually being the Final Girl, although in retrospect she makes far too many dumb decisions to deserve that distinction; then there's Sissy (Renée Jones, who has since been in - holy crap - 1,288 episodes of Days of Our Lives), the playful Not Quite Token minority, of which the Friday franchise has a surprising amount in these middle sequels; Cort (Tom Fridley, later of Phantom of the Mall: Eric's Revenge, one of the most excitingly titled 1989 slashers), our designated 80's ambassador with feathered mullet hair, a single ear piercing, holes in his jeans large enough to fit the entire Duran Duran discography, and who dies listening to Alice Cooper; and Megan Garris (Jennifer Cooke), the resourceful and fearless daughter of the Sheriff who has developed something of a thing for one Tommy Jarvis.

She also knows what to do with a laser scope. My kinda woman.

What's this? A last name, more than one character trait, and a relationship with both key members of the other storyline? Ladies and gentlemen, we have met our Final Girl. In fact, Megan will prove to be one of the better Final Girls in the franchise with her cleverness, bravery, and sense of fun. She's also the only person with enough narrative momentum to move fluidly between the two mostly separated plot branches, fitting in perfectly to the action adventure mold of Tommy Jarvis' flight from the cops and the spritely teen slasher that is occupying some other realm entirely up at Camp Crystal Lake Forest Green.

And she doesn't have sex during the film (which is wise, because she has far more important things to do), but she's a young woman with a clear libido who ends up surviving Jason's wrath, which is a huge step forward for gender representation in the franchise.

No wonder Tommy likes her - hey, I think I used to own that coat.

Jason Lives is one of the most idiosyncratic and special entries in the entire franchise, a delightful blend of post-Nightmare supernatural horror (Jason is quite decisively a zombie this time around) and pre-Scream meta humor.

The visual spectrum is 100 times wider than A New Beginning, the first entry in the second phase of the franchise, ever could have dreamed of with multiple shots that would be considered among the most graceful in the entire 12 film series. Most notable among these shots are one where Jason stalks a girl from outside the window of the cabin she's in and an early centered shot when he is menacing his first new set of victims after his resurrection. Again, I can't stress enough how that, in any other Hollywood film, this kind of visual effort would be totally commonplace, but here in the Fridayverse it stands out like Hitchcockian caliber perfection.

Jason = This movie. The RV = A New Beginning.

The acting here is also of a higher caliber than normal with even bit parts like the offed-early Lizabeth (played by the director's wife Nancy Mc Loughlin) bringing a warmth and easygoing charm to their roles. Mathews and Cooke especially have a lighthearted chemistry that complements the film's good humor tremendously.

At the end of it all, Jason Lives isn't quite a scary film - slasher films are never scary - but it is an immensely charming and well put-together sequel that could even be considered a slightly "good" film in a franchise known for overt badness. It's not quite as gory as the Savini-fueled original and Final Chapter and it doesn't boast the hilarious insipidity of entries like The New Blood or Jason Takes Manhattan, but it is certainly a top tier Jason flick that deserves a lot more respect than it typically gets.

Killer: Jason Voorhees (C. J. Graham)

Final Girl: Tommy Jarvis (Thom Matthews) feat. Megan Garris (Jennifer Cooke)

Best Kill: I'm a big fan of that smiley face one, which occurs when Jason smashes Burt into a tree.

Sign of the Times: Everybody, I'd like you to meet Cort.

Scariest Moment: Jason stalks a counselor while she's walking among the children in the cabin.

Weirdest Moment: Two fully clothed people have sex in an RV.

Champion Dialogue: "He can't come to the phone right now. He's in the can draining his lizard."

Body Count: 18

1. Allen has his heart punched out.
2. Darren speared to death.
3. Lizabeth is speared and drowned. 
4. Burt has his arm ripped off and is thrown into a tree.
5. Stan is decapitated.
6. Larry is decapitated.
7. Katie is decapitated.
8. Martin has a broken bottle shoved in his throat. 
9. Steven is impaled to his fiancée.
10. Annette is impaled to her fiancé. 
11. Nikki's face is crushed against an RV restroom wall.
12. Cort is stabbed in the head with a hunting knife.
13. Roy is chopped into pieces.
14. Sissy has her head ripped off.
15. Paula's insides repaint the cabin walls.
16. Officer Thornton gets a dart in the forehead.
17. Officer Pappas gets his skull crushed. 
18. Sherriff Garris is bent in half backwards.

TL;DR: Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives is funny, clever, and visually cohesive, an excellent addition to the franchise.

Rating: 8/10

Word Count: 1703

Reviews In This Series
Friday the 13th (Cunningham, 1980)
Friday the 13th Part 2 (Miner, 1981)
Friday the 13th Part 3: 3D (Miner, 1982)
Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (Zito, 1984)
Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (Steinmann, 1985)
Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (McLoughlin, 1986)
Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (Buechler, 1988)
Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (Hedden, 1989)
Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (Marcus, 1993)
Jason X (Isaac, 2001)
Freddy vs. Jason (Yu, 2003)
Friday the 13th (Nispel, 2009)