Christmas In July: Slay Bells Ring, Are You Listening?

Year: 2012

Director: Steven C. Miller

Cast: Malcolm McDowell, Jaime King, Donal Logue

Run Time: 1 hour 34 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

Yeah, they remade Silent Night, Deadly Night. It’s one that kind of slipped through the cracks, late to the remake party in 2012. Although the retitled Silent Night is a loose remake if there ever was one (and boy have there been a few), it shares enough elements with the original (like a Santa killer punishing the naughty, which some of the sequels couldn’t even manage, as well as an antler-based kill, a child gifted with a bloody weapon, etc.) that it at least proves that the original was on its mind, as opposed to the Sex Kitten romps of Prom Night and Sorority Row. That’s by far the best thing I can say about it, because – keeping in tone with the rest of the franchise – it kinda really sucks.

I’m so glad I’m finished with these garbage fires they called movies.

In Silent Night, Deputy Aubrey Bradimore (Jaime King) is forced to work on Christmas Eve when her coworker fails to show up. A line is dropped about this being her first Christmas without her husband, and by “dropped” I mean “hurled off a cliff” because this is literally never mentioned again. Together, she and Sheriff Cooper (Malcolm McDowell, essentially reprising his role as the scenery-masticating Dr. Loomis in Rob Zombie’s Halloween) discover that a killer dressed as Santa Claus has been rampaging through their little town of Cryer, Wisconsin punishing the naughty. This being a slasher movie (a subgenre we finally return to after two hyperbolically bizarre detours), Cooper elects not to call the FBI and handle the threat on his own.

Their search is hampered by a parade in which nearly every able-bodied adult man in town is asked to don a Santa suit, but they narrow down the suspects to a group of bad Santas that would make Fred Claus proud, including a wandering vagrant and a local coke dealer.

You’d think they’d find the killer with ease, considering he’s wearing giant steampunk goggles, but you would be wrong.

To be fair, Silent Night has a lot in common with SNDN1. It’s just as mean-spirited and poorly acted, but it lacks that veneer of 80’s charm that makes the original an enduring mainstay of the slasher genre. While SNDN featured a few too many rape scenes for my taste, it was a loopy, idiosyncratic film that told a strangely detailed, unwittingly compelling story about the societal ills that molded our apple-cheeked Santa killer. Silent Night just pulls a reverse Rob Zombie, stripping away the villain’s backstory and filling in that extra run time with an extra helping of nasty-minded sleaze.

There’s just something deeply depressing about watching a horde of wooden, amateur hour performers get chopped up in 2012 rather than 1984. It might just be the buffer of time making the legwarmered, permed 80’s seem a couple degrees askew from reality, but I think I can blame two movies in particular: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2003 for igniting the remake boom, and Scream for rendering it basically impossible to make a straightforward slasher ever again. By virtue of being a remake, a movie openly challenges the original film with the unspoken claim that it will either be better or at least satisfyingly different. When it is neither, it doubles down on disappointment. And Silent Night is neither in a spectacularly unpleasant way.

This movie is just plain vicious. In addition to being callously exploitative (a topless woman runs around for what feels like hours before being fed into a wood chipper; while slasher movies are best known for boobs and blood, titillation and mutilation are actually pretty rarely in the same frame save for the sleazier entries – The Prowler, Bloody Moon, etc.), it’s horribly misguided.

Horror films always need to walk on eggshells when it comes to killing a child, and while certain slashers have succeeded (SNDN among them), the death of a minor here is despicably prolonged, involving electrocuting her with a cattle prod until she stars foaming at the mouth before finishing her off. It is at this point where the over-the-top violence of Silent Night crosses the line. Hell, it throws a tarp over the line hoping you won’t notice, and dashes right on over it. Its obscene, boundary-free eagerness for butchery is vaguely sickening.

And I’m someone who watched Maniac without batting an eye.

I will, however, give Silent Night points for its occasional doses of pure, inexplicable lunacy.  There’s certainly a whiff of bad-good charm around Malcolm McDowell’s flagrant disinterest in the project, but by far my favorite scene belongs to the pre-slaughtered 13-year-old- girl and her mom. The spoiled little brat knocks her mother’s heart medication to the floor (!) and demands “F**k church! I want to go to the mall!” instantly becoming the most compellingly unlikeable child this side of Veruca Salt. She’s awesome. And then of course we have a whole scene lit with red and green emergency lights like it’s a Saw holiday special, and then there’s the fact that every time Jaime King walks through her impossibly idyllic small town, greeting everyone she sees and smiling at the whirl of Christmas activity, you expect her to burst into song à la Belle in Beauty and the Beast.

As you well know, I am a sucker for crazy camp, so this goes a long way toward helping me survive the dismal disarray of the rest of the film. And to be fair, there is some incredible gore that would be a real treat if Silent Night hadn’t poisoned the well by frontloading its most distasteful killings. A gushing leg wound and a head split by an axe are two particularly convincing Grand Guignol effects of the highest order.

The movie would at least be a passable horror roller coaster if it weren’t for the out-of-control tone that nose dives into torture porny grunge every chance it gets. Or the story that aimlessly wanders around, sloughing off subplots like a snake shedding its skin. Or the anonymous killer performer that lumbers around like a plumber who just soiled his pants. Ugh, what a waste. I’m terribly disappointed to end our Christmas in July segment like this, but Silent Night is just another abortive holiday thriller with enough potential energy to keep me on the hook, but not enough ambition and drive to do anything with it.

TL;DR: Silent Night is a thoroughly unpleasant, mean-spirited watch.

Rating: 5/10

Word Count: 1094
Reviews In This Series
Silent Night, Deadly Night (Sellier Jr., 1984)
Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (Harry, 1987)
Silent Night, Deadly Night III: Better Watch Out! (Hellman, 1989)
Silent Night, Deadly Night IV: Initiation (Yuzna, 1990)
Silent Night, Deadly Night V: The Toy Maker (Kitrosser, 1991)
Silent Night (Miller, 2012)

Christmas In July: Round Yon Victim Mother And Child

Year: 1991

Director: Martin Kitrosser

Cast: William Thorne, Jane Higginson, Van Quattro

Run Time: 1 hour 26 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

As we continue our July event of pretending that it’s not so hot outside that your steak cooks itself while you’re walking home from the store, we also reach a very important point in the Silent Night, Deadly Night franchise: the end. We're not finished -we still have the remake to look forward to with a mixture of vague optimism and extreme suspicion - but the contiguous franchise ends here in 1991 with Silent Night, Deadly Night V: The Toy Maker, only 7 years after the original controversial flick hit theaters. 

To quickly recap, Part IV: Initiation obliterated the series’ already senile continuity by presenting a story with no killer Santa that wasn’t even obviously set on Christmas. But it hardly matters, because the series hasn’t had a rating above the 5/10 line since Part 2, and that one was most just recut footage of the much better original. We’re barely looking at a Sorority House Massacre quality average.

Although The Toy Maker is – pretty predictably – a stinker, it does feel a little more like a traditional Silent Night, Deadly Night film. The plot actually centers on Christmas and holiday-related activities, there’s a clip from the previous movie haphazardly sandwiched in (this time, it’s Silent Night, Deadly Night-ception as the TV plays the clip from Part 4 where Clint Howard is watching a clip from Part 3 – stop the world, I wanna get off), and the talent both behind and in front of the camera is startlingly overqualified.

No, I’m not talking about Clint Howard and Neith Hunter, who cameo as characters with the same names as their Part 4 counterparts, as if anyone was actually enough of a fan of that movie to be excited. I’m talking director Martin Kitrosser, Quentin Tarantino’s go-to script supervisor. I’m talking effects shaman Screaming Mad George, back for a second helping. I’m talking f**king Mickey goddamn Rooney!

What is even happening at this point?

So, the plot, shall we? Young Derek (William Thorne) loses his father when a wrapped present that arrives on the stoop turns out to be an evil killer toy, this franchise’s answer to the popularity of Puptpermaster, but accomplished more cheaply (which is saying something). He is traumatized and goes mute, while his mother Sarah (Jane Higginson) attempts to deal with her grief and coax him into talking with various Christmas-related surprises, unaware of how her husband actually died.

Then there’s the roughly 900 splinter plots birthed from their story. Noah (Tracy Fraim) is a department store Santa who we see tinkering with nefarious Christmas goodies in his motel room, goodies that can be seen terrorizing neighborhood children. He is also snooping on the local toy store, Petto’s. That name is supposed to be a pun on the name “Gepetto,” but I only ever heard it as “Pedo’s,” which was mildly alarming. He owner of the shop is Joe Petto (why, Mickey Rooney, why?), a friend of Sarah’s. He has a teen son named Pino (Brian Bremer of Pumpkinhead), who never does anything explicitly bad, but always seems to lurk creepily around the edges of the frame, talking in a nasal whine like he’s Buster Bluth or something.

But seriously, Mickey Rooney is in this. I’m not playing around here.

The one truly valuable thing about SNDN 5 is that it’s quite firmly established in the 90’s (Derek’s best friend dresses like he got oversized hand-me-downs from his older brother. And his older brother is Shaq.), but it still manages to capture the lunatic 80’s high concept spirit of films like Puppetmaster or Halloween III: Season of the Witch. It’s a rare thing to find a film so genuine and sincere in the era of waning slasher rip-offs, angsty vampires, and winking post-Scream know-it-alls, so let’s take a moment to appreciate that.

OK, moment over. This movie sucks. It’s a cheap direct-to-video crock that overpromises and underdelivers. Its weird affinity to Part 4 (cemented by some shared cast and crew) just means that they’re reheating the leftovers, and everything good about that dish was already pretty bland. Part 5 continues that film’s theme of slathering screeching music over totally banal sequences in the hopes that you might be too distracted by a date (or these days, a phone) to notice that nothing remotely scary is actually happening. This movie is another thin, useless lump carelessly slapped together by everyone but Screaming Mad George.

And he really must have been screaming mad, because he’s given fart-all to do here. Although his effects are still the best part of the movie, they look plasticky and cheap, through no fault of their own. This is what happens when you’re asked to bring kids’ toys to life. It’s a hazard of the job (although there’s no excuse for a shoddy, halfhearted, larger piece that shows up in the third act). 

There’s at least a shred of creativity here (an evil Santa doll with a revolving head that plays Jingle Bells until it switches to a fanged face and blares a funeral march is by far my favorite thing in the movie), but these scenes are far more slashery than the MPAA-deceiving body horror of Part 4, and as such have the bajeezus cut out of them. Every last drop of blood is sponged from this movie, so as an effects showcase there’s no way these crummy dime store monstrosities can hold a Citronella candle to the dripping insect nightmare appendages that torture Neith Hunter in Initiation.

But her performance is back to torture us, so that’s cool, I guess.

The performances are more nondescript than Part 4, which I suppose makes them better, and Mickey Rooney at least instills an endearing warmth into the film in his opening scene (he never manages to shed his palpable discomfort when he’s asked to be sinister in any way, shape, or form). But it’s not like anybody could have performed this dialogue well. Sarah and a nurse share a Room-esque greeting, two teens are forced through a sausage grinder of unpronounceable slang, and the material crumbles form everyone’s mouths like mothballs.

The one thing I can cling to is that, especially in the third act, things get real weird in an invigorating burst of camp. The film inexplicably careens into soap opera melodrama and psychosexual absurdism, dragging its million disparate plot points into a miasma of aborted twists, fascinating sex scenes that defy physics and logic, and a charming lack of self-awareness. This reaches a shrieking crescendo with a reveal that can be predicted from the first frame of the film, yet is carried out in the most batsh*t way imaginable. And then the film abruptly ends at an arbitrary point, just like last time.

[HIGHLIGHT FOR SPOILERS: I didn’t want to spoil any of the delicious, gooey weirdness on tap here, but screw it. Who’s ever gonna watch this film anyway? This movie ends with a sitcom-style warm smile when Derek asks who the strange man who saved their lives is. This man is his real father, a reveal treated with the bizarrely sincere under-reaction of “kids say the darndest things, don’t they?”]

Anyway, Silent Night, Deadly Night V: The Toy Maker isn’t the worst of the bunch, but that’s hardly cause for celebration. This movie can’t match the dizzy heights of Part 4, and that one was a steaming turd. It’s no wonder that after this, the franchise didn’t see the light of day until 2012.

TL;DR: Silent Night, Deadly Night V: The Toy Maker is at least a return to Christmas-themed horror, but is a weak swing and a major miss for this ancient franchise.

Rating: 4/10

Word Count: 1296
Reviews In This Series
Silent Night, Deadly Night (Sellier Jr., 1984)
Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (Harry, 1986)
Silent Night, Deadly Night III: Better Watch Out! (Hellman, 1989)
Silent Night, Deadly Night IV: Initiation (Yuzna, 1990)
Silent Night, Deadly Night V: The Toy Maker (Kitrosser, 1991
Silent Night (Miller, 2012)

Christmas In July: O Unholy Night

Year: 1990

Director: Brian Yuzna

Cast: Clint Howard, Neith Hunter, Tommy Hinkley

Run Time: 1 hour 30 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

Happy July, everybody! Now that the fireworks have fizzled out and your stomachs are comfortably plump with barbecued foodstuffs, isn’t summer getting a little draining? Let’s beat the heat and dream of a white Christmas in July!

Two Christmases ago, I reviewed the first three Silent Night, Deadly Night films. Little did you know, but I stopped halfway through. That’s right, we’ve got three more Christmas crackerjacks to review, starting with Silent Night, Deadly Night IV: Initiation. As you may remember, SNDN’s 1 through 3 covered the continuing story of Billy and Ricky, two brothers who donned Santa suits to go on holiday rampages, punishing the naughty. Honestly, it doesn’t even matter if you remember, because Initiation has heck-all to do with them. Hell, it’s not even a slasher. Or a Christmas film, come to think of it. Oh sure, there are occasionally decorations in the background, but the Christmas in this movie looks exactly as festive as the sweltering view outside my window right now.

Although, now that you mention it, SNDN4 probably WAS shot in SoCal in July.

So, what the Hell is Silent Night Deadly Night IV: Initiation about, if it’s not about a psycho Santa with a bag of coal and an axe? Well… You tell me. I can’t make heads or tails of it, but here’s the basic plot. Kim (Neith Hunter) is a reporter for the calendar section of an LA newspaper who wants to cut her teeth on a real story like, say, that woman who just jumped of an apartment’s roof after spontaneously combusting. Her boyfriend Hank (Tommy Hinkley) is a hotshot reporter who doesn’t stand up for her and takes the story for himself, because their editor Eli (Reggie Bannister of Phantasm) runs his office like it’s a spinoff of Mad Men.

Frustrated, Kim decides to go rogue and investigate anyway, which leads her to Fima (Maud Adams, Octopussy herself), who lives up to her name, causing a disaster when she invited Kim into her group of friends that may or may not be a coven of witches. Spoiler: They super duper are and they Rosemary’s Baby her with drugs that make her hallucinate giant bugs as the first part of her initiation into their circle. The witches abhor men but for some reason they keep a Renfield-esque helper hobo named – inscrutably but perhaps inevitably – Ricky (Clint Howard of Evilspeak). Will Kim succumb to their vaguely lesbian seduction? Or will she… Oh, who cares?

If the screenwriter doesn’t, then neither shall I.

I don’t mean to damn SNDN4 with faint praise when I say that my single favorite thing about it is its opening credits, but it’s true. The Saul Bass-inspired sequence is a cheesy delight, stretching the titles into oblivion or squashing them out of existence. The credits form a colorful dance, leaping in and out of frame, spinning in on spirals, and interlocking with constant motion. It’s stylish, it’s engrossing, and it promises a fun, clever, maybe even Hitchcockian movie that unfortunately we never get. Well, at least we’ll always have each other, Title Cards.

The second best thing about SNDN 4 – by a mile – is the special effects. Makeup guru Screaming mad George is credited for “surrealistic visual design,” which could hardly be a more accurate, if fanciful, pronouncement. His effects, which crop up fairly frequently, are some of the best work of the early 90’s; a last gasp of the gooey, rubbery madness that haunted 80’s horror. We get giant bugs, twisted hands melting into a slavering beaklike mouth, living spaghetti, and a woman vomiting up a giant Fear Centipede. It’s gross, unforgettable stuff that clamps onto your brain and burrows directly into your fear center. Without a lick of research, I could have told you it was he who designed the infamous cockroach kill from Nightmare on Elm Street 4.

If all this feels like a repeat of director Brian Yuzna’s earlier FX flick Society, well… you would be right. Basically, SNDN 4 takes all those crumpled paper balls from under Society’s brainstorming desk, soothes them out, staples them together, and calls it a movie. The effects might be tremendous, but they have as much to do with the plot as Initiation has to do with the Silent Night, Deadly Night franchise at large.

This scatterbrained sense of composition spreads across the entire film like a rot, shriveling everything good that attempts to blossom. This film is just plain clumsily assembled. It cuts from medium close-ups to other medium close-ups without context (or warning). There are pauses in the dialogue that stretch into massive chasms between words. The acting is shrill pantomime at best, blissed-out Xanax mumbling at worst. It just reeks of an utter and total lack of coverage. This is a movie that wasn’t cared for by anybody or anything without “George” in their name, left naked, and shivering behind a dumpster to perish.

Maybe they should have sent it to that orphanage from the first movie.

As amateurish as most of the film is, the director who made Society does show up to set every now and again. One shot that uses a pan up a building to disguise a time jump is chillingly surreal, and there’s a kill viewed from the perspective of Kim hiding under the bed that’s a masterpiece of suggested brutality. The script also feints toward social commentary with a scene discussing religious holidays and Biblical allegory, and the overall undercurrent of pushing back against sexism, but it squeaks and sputters like a leaking balloon around the midpoint, whereupon it devolves into a Ballbusting Lesbians romp without the commitment. Or the fun.

For the most part SNDN 4 is just a wisp of a film, flitting in and out of tired subgenres (it briefly flirts with being a slasher, but it has to grotesquely contort Clint Howard’s character to do so), arbitrarily tossing out totally disconnected dialogue and plot points because it seemed like a good idea at the time. The parts that aren’t packed to the gills with bugs and rubber are deathly dull, with a stifling pace that plods through the motions of about twenty different horror films. Kim gets knocked unconscious once every twenty minutes or so, a fate I fervently yearned for while slogging through theses segments.

Silent Night, Deadly Night IV: Initiation is a film that has no sense of identity. It’s not connected to its franchise, its holiday, or even itself. There are some truly spectacular moments that can be panned out of the silt of this movie, but there’s not enough gold to be worth rushing out to see it.

TL;DR: Silent Night, Deadly Night IV: Initiation is a wholly unfulfilling, inconsistent jumble redeemed only by some gonzo special effects.

Rating: 5/10

Word Count: 1155

Reviews In This Series

Silent Night, Deadly Night (Sellier Jr., 1984)

Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (Harry, 1986)

Silent Night, Deadly Night III: Better Watch Out! (Hellman, 1989)

Silent Night, Deadly Night IV: Initiation (Yuzna, 1990)

Silent Night, Deadly Night V: The Toy Maker (Kitrosser, 1991)

Silent Night (Miller, 2012)

Census Bloodbath: For Goodness Sake

Year: 1989

Director: Monte Hellman

Cast: Samantha Scully, Bill Moseley, Richard Beymer

Run Time: 1 hour 30 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

The genesis of Silent Night, Deadly Night III: Better Watch Out! is about as ignominious as a direct-to-video sequel can get. When director Monte Hellman was approached by his friend, who was producing the film, he only agreed to it because he had a wild fever and thought he was going to die. As it happens, he did not - in fact - perish, and he ended up at the helm of a low rent sequel to a low rent recut of an OK slasher in 1989, the year of the subgenre's ignoble death.

As you can imagine, the resulting film isn't exactly an undiscovered gem of 80's horror. But at least it's in reluctant continuity with the first two films, stretching itself rather farther than other - more prominent - franchises managed to do (Halloween III is notorious for not being about Michael Myers at all, but an evil mask company powered by Stonehenge. And it only took Nightmare on Elm Street one movie to turn into a gay body horror parable.). I mean, the film is insane, completely twisting the character of Ricky to fit into the post-Nightmare supernatural model, giving him a brain-exposing helmet that looks like a macabre terrarium and transplanting him from Utah to Southern California. But yes, this is actually a storyline worthy of commendation.

What passed for continuity in the slasher genre could only have survived in a decade powered by copious amounts of cocaine.

The film (when it finally begins after an interminably dull opening dream sequence where we see a girl sleep for two minutes then walk slowly around a white room for twice that) revolves around the exploits of drunk-on-science Doctor Newbury (Richard Beymer), who has a coma patient/ex-Santa Claus axe murderer named Ricky Caldwell (Bill Moseley of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2) under his care. He experiments with a psychic blind girl named Laura (Samantha Scully) and attempts to use her dreams to access Ricky's subconscious memories*.

After a drunk hospital Santa carouses his way into Ricky's room on Christmas Eve, the catatonic serial killer is awoken by the twin naughty sins of yuletide inebriation and terrible puns ("Who's your favorite singer? Perry Coma?"). His seasonal rage is reignited and he uses his psychic link with Laura to follow her to her grandmother's place in Piru (this sequel is so firmly entrenched in its region, it would be commendable if it didn't so boldly fly in the face of the beautiful Utah scenery of the first film). With his brain firmly ensconced in its space-age chapeau and his trusty knife in hand, he skulks around Granny's (Elizabeth Hoffman) farm, putting Laura, her brother Chris (Eric DaRe of Twin Peaks), and his girlfriend Jerri (Laura Herring) at risk.

While Ricky's on the prowl, he is pursued by Dr. Newbury and the police Lieutenant Connely (Robert Culp). Either the budget was too limited or Robert Culp was too important, but these scenes almost entirely take place inside the car en route, presumably shot through in the course of one evening. So the film switches between dreary horror and the oddly homoerotic tensions between the two pursuers as the doctor spouts thoughtful monologues like he had eaten a thesaurus for lunch and it was beginning to disagree with him ("[blowing smoke up your ass] sounds like an enterprise of great pith and circumstance...").

*After the success of A Nightmare on Elm Street, these types of paranormal elements began creeping into the even the most stalwartly traditional of slasher franchises. Jason became a zombie and fought a telekinetic Final Girl. Michael became the victim of a druid cult. And the Prom Night franchise got crossfaded with the movie Carrie and featured a magical prom ghost for two of its middle entries.

What a magical decade.

Centering the plot around a family returning home for the holidays is a good move. It keeps the Christmas spirit intact because it's firmly entrenched in the plot itself. This is a great benefit because Ricky no longer takes on his Santa persona and the number of Christmas-related kills is nil. Come to think of it, the number of actual kills is just about nil as well, considering that just about every death takes place offscreen. There are some brief, half-hearted gore shots (some intestines and a surprisingly decent-looking severed head), but they take place long after the fact and are entirely separate from the action of the moment. They're more like a brief series of grisly tableaux than actual special effects integrated into the film itself.

Because of the dearth of decent special effects and the lethargic pacing of the plot itself, the film perfectly captures the feeling of slowly drifting off to sleep. This may have been what they were going for, I suppose, but I do not feel willing to bestow the benefit of the doubt upon a horror film with such anemic, plodding scares. Even the attack scenes in the finale are staged with deliberate pacing and stuffy presentationalism like a particularly arid episode of Masterpiece Theatre. Not even the music is attempting to spruce things up, largely sitting out the big scenes, and filling the moments in which it does appear with a shrilly sustained pitch like a hyperactive dog whistle. In fact, one kill is literally accompanied by the sound of crickets.

Silent Night Deadly Night III is mostly not even bad-good, which is a register with which this franchise has proven itself very familiar, so it's quite a disappointment. It's merely a perplexing botchery of the cabin in the woods genre. The paranormal elements are ill-established and have no payoff (also, Granny is psychic enough to know when the phone's about to ring but not deduce that the silent man stolidly eating mashed potatoes at her dinner table with his brain exposed is about to kill her), the kills are limp dishwater, and there's not even any exploitation of particular interest. Although Chris' bathtub scene and prodigious pelt of chest hair are charming in a soothingly retro sort of way.

A cheapo exploitation horror movie that sees fit to include a bath scene, yet neither kills the characters nor has them bang is a thorough waste of time.

Never forget this image when you're watching evil Leo be evil in Twin Peaks.

The mystical pure 80's factor is present in enough of the film to keep the suitably historical-minded engaged despite the extreme defecits of the plot and presentation. It comes through with especial strength in scenes like the lieutenant extolling the virtues of his car phone, Jerri offering Laura a naturally carbonated water with a look of reverent wonder on her face, and the fashion. 

Oh, the fashion! Chris, on top of looking like an anthropomorphic mop, drapes himself with denim to the point where I can only assume his underwear is likewise blue and scratchy. And Laura's outfit for a large portion of the film seems to be of a fashion movement entirely unknown to me called "business witch." 

Also, her earrings are, like, totally righteous.

On top of this, there are several (well, one or two) actively good elements of the film, though they rear their heads too rarely to actively applaud. First, the director seems to be somewhat present, unlike the previous films, festooning the movie with little visual fillips that are in a realm somewhere adjacent to cinema. My favorite of these moments is when Ricky gets up from his hospital bed, represented by a close-up of his IV unhooking. It's inelegant, but it evokes an image and an emotional response, something desperately lacking by most of the other moments.

And Scully is a decent Final Girl (the first legitimate character of that type in the series). She can't scream worth a lick, but there's a few lines of dialogue that feel lived-in and warm. Eric DaRe is another standout, his chemistry with the other actors proving to be a vital element in not wanting to drown oneself while watching the film.

Would you look at that? I'm ending on a high note. Silent Night, Deadly Night III: Better Watch Out! certainly doesn't deserve it, but hey. It's Christmastime.

Killer: Ricky Caldwell (Bill Moseley)

Final Girl: Laura Anderson (Samantha Scully)

Best Kill: Dr. Newbury is stabbed in the gut and during his death scene (like 20 minutes later) we get to see his intestines. This is the extent of interesting visuals in the film.

Sign of the Times: Chris' badass gun-totin' one-liner is "Is it live, or is it Memorex?"

Scariest Moment: Laura tries to rush out the door, but is blocked by Chris and Jerri coming back inside. It's.... not the scariest film I've ever seen.

Weirdest Moment: When a gas station attendant is off being decapitated, his girlfriend talks dirty through the phone on the desk.

Champion Dialogue: "Who said you had to be the world's champion blind orphan?"

Body Count: 11; not including a nurse who dies in a dream or a man whose eyes are pecked out by a bird on TV. Kills that appear in flashback footage from Silent Night, Deadly Night are in italics.

1. Ellie Chapman Caldwell has her throat slit.
2. Hospital Santa is killed offscreen.
3. Receptionist is killed offscreen.
4. Father O'Brien Old Man Kelsey is shot to death. 
5. PT Cruiser Driver is killed offscreen.
6. Gas Station Greg is decapitated offscreen.
7. Granny is hung offscreen.
8. Dr. Newbury is stabbed in the gut.
9. Jerri is stabbed in the chest offscreen.
10. Chris is choked with a shotgun.
11. Ricky is shot and impaled on a pool cue. 

TL;DR: Silent Night, Deadly Night III: Better Watch Out! is a boring sequel that keeps its best moments offscreen.

Rating: 3/10

Word Count: 1635

Reviews In This Series

Silent Night, Deadly Night (Sellier Jr., 1984)

Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (Harry, 1987)

Silent Night, Deadly Night III: Better Watch Out! (Hellman, 1989)

Silent Night, Deadly Night IV: Initiation (Yuzna, 1990)

Silent Night, Deadly Night V: The Toy Maker (Kitrosser, 1991)

Silent Night (Miller, 2012)

Census Bloodbath: Creep In Heavenly Peace

Year: 1987

Director: Lee Harry

Cast: Eric Freeman, James Newman, Elizabeth Kaitan

Run Time: 1 hour 28 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

I know it's December 26th, but why let the Christmas spirit die so soon? Just like the implacable killers of yore, let the festive activities return to life as we explore the improbable sequel to one of the most notorious slasher films ever created: Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2.

The mere existence of this film is a fluke. After a massive controversy got Silent Night, Deadly Night pulled from theaters, a studio bought the film negative and took to a team of editors, asking them to create a new film from the existing material. The editors asserted that this was pretty much impossible and suggested that they instead create a new framework storyline and use the existing footage as flashback material. They were given the studio's blessing along with a modest sum of money and thus Part 2 was born.

It is not, as you can imagine, a masterpiece.

This film was not the first film to use this gimmick, nor was it the last, but the fact remains that the first 45 minutes are just a parade of recycled material given the framework of Ricky (Eric Freeman), the younger brother from the first film, telling a psychiatrist (James L. Newman) about his older brother's killer Santa exploits. In a way, it kind of works. This sequence is just a TL;DR Cliff's Notes version of the original film full of rapid-fire kills, trimming the fat away from the pacing. Because of this hack and slash approach, much of the rapey nastiness of several sequences is also toned down, and you will never hear me complaining about a deficit of rapey nastiness.

The problem is that people who haven't seen SNDN won't really be able to make sense of the mishmash storytelling - the doctor himself doesn't even seem to completely follow. Given the fact that the character of Ricky is only in like twelve seconds of the first film, there's far too much time devoted to moments he couldn't possibly have known about and a lot of the character development is thrown out the window. Some names are changed too, but I'm not going to fly into a nerd rage about a Christmas slasher franchise, I'm really not. It's bad for the heart. But the flashback material inadequately coheres with the rest of the film, let me just give you that.

The other problem (you'll soon find out that this film is comprised of almost nothing but problems) is that those who have seen the film won't need to see these moments again. No new context is given for the recut footage other than a slightly shifted perspective. But the difference between "I killed 9 people" and "my brother killed 9 people" is too subtle a distinction for a film so hamhanded as this. The pacing of these scenes occasionally improve upon the original, but my best suggestion for watching this sequel is to wait a year after the first one before you pop this baby in, so the events of Silent Night, Deadly Night have faded from your mind and you won't be bored to tears, but you'll have enough prior knowledge to fill in the gaps.

Once this segment ends and the film proper begins rev into gear, the film idles as it finds itself in the middle of an entirely new story about Ricky's murderous Christmas exploits avenging his brother (tossed in among copious murderous flashbacks in which the color red triggers Ricky like a yuletide bull). This reset throws a wrench into the already ropy pacing, but it's merely a brief catch. It's like blowing bubbles through a trumpet (don't ask). The soap has to twist and wind its way through the pipes, then it has to pause for a moment, building strength before it can bloom into a decadent, messy spectacle of iridescent beauty.

This is just the calm before the storm, buddy.

Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 is bad. Damn bad. Don't let anybody try to convince you otherwise.  But it's the kind of pristine, gaudy piece of crap that keeps me watching these things. Many people are familiar with the Garbage Day scene thanks to its popularity as a viral YouTube sensation, but not even the vile depths of the Internet can prepare one for the movie theater scene (in which Ricky and his girlfriend Jennifer - Friday the 13th Part VII's Elizabeth Kaitan - go to the movies to see Silent Night, Deadly Night) or the jumper cable scene. Or the doctor commenting on the flashbacks like he's watching a movie ("It's fairly obvious where he was going."). Or the evil Charlie Brown music, the aged Mother Superior (Jean Miller) covered in boils, and the car crash meet cute. Or the anything. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

But all of these treasures would be nothing without Eric Freeman as the centerpiece. His elaborate, eyebrow-wiggling, non-acting is essential viewing for the bad movie fanatic. He's the whole package. Freeman is built like a brick house, which beefs up his rather chaste lovemaking sequence considerably. His laugh is practically a paternity test proving that he is responsible for Tommy Wiseau. And when his eyebrows aren't smugly waggling with every syllable like they're in the process of being electrocuted and trying to escape from his face, he delivers his lines like a concrete slab spitting out granite pebbles.

And he's one of the better ones. While Eric Freeman is busy performing like he's overdosing on Botox, the sparse sets and too-showy supporting actors do nothing to convince that this isn't merely a very long, very festive porn intro.

That takes some very dark turns.

There are only two actively good elements of the film, and neither are particularly commendable outside of the slasher grading curve. First, the victim of sexual assault in this film is not punished for being assaulted, which instantly makes this film less nasty-minded than its predecessor. Second, the kills are a cornucopia of cheesy, campy fun. Umbrellas, jumper cables, magnetic tape, and just about every part of a car are used to destroy unwary wrongdoers. Even when Ricky gets a gun (typically the signal for the most boring part of a slasher film), the kills are strange and creative enough to deserve praise.

But in spite of its tentatively positive and bad-good elements, Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 is bogged down by an enormous lack of technical distinction. The editing is choppy, the camerawork is surprisingly ambitious but low quality, and the film as a whole suffers for it. It's not dissimilar enough from the legitimately quite good original film (it shares its atonal structure and lack of a traditional Final Girl - oh, and about 45 minutes of footage) to feel like its own being and the parts that aren't original are fun but can't be called "good" cinema under any circumstances, at least if I want to remain un-excommunicated from polite society.

It's a fun flick with some bat guano crazy moments, but it's a terrible double bill with the original film. But while it fails in its sequel duties, it's technically not even supposed to exist in the first place so I suppose it can be forgiven. Despite its problems, I'm glad we exist in a world where a film like this can happen.

Killer: Ricky Caldwell (Eric Freeman)

Final Girl: Sister Mary (Nadya Wynd), but not really

Best Kill: A vicious loan shark is impaled with an umbrella which then opens, covered in his guts.

Sign of the Times: Jennifer's ex-boyfriend, Chip (who stood her up, cheated on her, and ruined her best sweater), looks like Billy Idol got hit by a van full of yuppies in the middle of bleaching his hair.

Scariest Moment: While watching a movie, a man leans over to his friend (played by cameoing director Lee Harry) repeatedly to make comments, only to discover that Eric has taken his seat.

Weirdest Moment: Ricky sees a man taking out the trash, shouts "GARBAGE DAY?!" and shoots him to death.

Champion Dialogue: "You tend to get paranoid when everyone around you gets dead."

Body Count: 24; Not including Ricky, who is given a traditional "killer's still alive" shot, or the toy Santa, snowman, and televisions set that are unceremoniously axed. The kills that appear in footage from Silent Night, Deadly Night are in italics.

1. Jim Chapman Caldwell is shot to death.
2. Ellie Chapman Caldwell has her throat slit. 
3. Andy is hung with Christmas lights.
4. Pamela is gutted with a box cutter.
5. Sims is hit in the head with the back of a claw hammer.
6. Helen is shot in the back with a bow and arrow. 
7. Denise is impaled on deer antlers.
8. Tommy is thrown through a window and impaled on the glass. 
9. Mac is beheaded with an axe while sledding.
10. Father O'Brien Old Man Kelsey is shot to death.
11. Officer Barnes is axed in the chest.
12. Billy Chapman Caldwell is shot to death. 
13. Eddie is run over repeatedly with his own car. 
14. Rocko is impaled with an umbrella, which then opens.
15. Loudmouth Moviegoer is killed offscreen.
16. Chip is electrocuted with a jumper cable on his tongue and his eyes explode.
17. Jennifer is strangled with a car antenna.
18. Cop is shot in the head with his own gun.
19. Complaining Neighbor is shot.
20. Garbage Neighbor is shot.
21. Driving Man crashes his car and it explodes.
22. Doc Henry is strangled with magnetic tape. 
23. Charity Santa is killed offscreen.
24. Mother Superior is decapitated with an axe. 

TL;DR: Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 is insane and inadequately differentiated from the first film, but full of fun campy moments like strange stocking stuffers.

Rating: 6/10

Word Count: 1631

Reviews In This Series

Silent Night, Deadly Night (Sellier Jr., 1984)

Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (Harry, 1987)

Silent Night, Deadly Night III: Better Watch Out! (Hellman, 1989)

Silent Night, Deadly Night IV: Initiation (Yuzna, 1990)

Silent Night, Deadly Night V: The Toy Maker (Kitrosser, 1991)

Silent Night (Miller, 2012)

Census Bloodbath: All Is Calm, All Is Fright

Year: 1984

Director: Charles E. Sellier, Jr.

Cast: Robert Brian Wilson, Gilmer McCormick, Toni Nero

Run Time: 1 hour 19 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

Merry Christmas, everybody! If you celebrate the holiday, I hope you have a great time ignoring your family to read this review. If you don't, hopefully a festive slasher feels enough like counter-programming that you'll stick around anyway. I oh so adore holiday horror, and the Christmas season is rife with gaudy gruesome flicks filled with puns like Santa's Slay, Black Christmas, Satan Claus, Santa Claws, The Gingerdead Man, and so many others that you would require a small nation's entire output of boxes and wrapping paper to slip them under the tree.

One of the most notorious of these titles is Silent Night, Deadly Night, the poster for which caused a national uproar as anxious mothers picketed and petitioned against its depiction of Santa Claus as an axe murderer. The upset was so thorough that Siskel and Ebert (who never shied away from declaiming splatter movies like a pair of tetchy schoolmarms) publicly shamed the crew by name on their show. After only two weeks, the film was pulled from theaters and thus a legend was born.

Obviously, those of us in the horror community will vehemently seek out any film decried in the public media, pushing implacably forward like the Terminator until we finally have a chance to view it. The thing about Silent Night, Deadly Night that sets it apart from many other shamed fright flicks is that it's actually pretty decent. It's by no means the best slasher ever made. It's not even the best slasher released on that day. But it's a gruesome holiday treat that, while it can be a tad mean-spirited from time to time, embraces the humor and fun present in the scenario and mixes it with some surprisingly affecting shocks.

Also the angry moms let the psycho santa flicks To All a Goodnight and Christmas Evil slip right by them four years previously, so let us never say that angry reactionaries are accurate and rational human beings.

The tale of Silent Night, Deadly Night begins with an extended, bifurcate prologue depicting the development of a young boy named Billy (played by Jonathon Best at Age 5, Danny Wagner at Age 8, and Robert Brian Wilson for the remainder of the film) and his fear of Christmas. After an ominous warning from his comatose grandfather (Will Hare) on Christmas Eve, Billy watches as his parents are brutally murdered by a robber dressed as Santa Claus. He and his little brother Ricky (Alex Burton) are then sent to an orphanage run by nuns, where Mother Superior (Lilyan Chauvin) teaches Billy all about the consequences of premarital sex and the value of punishment.

Billy thus grows up believing Santa Claus to be some sort of avenging angel, punishing the naughty with swift and brutal death. When he turns 18, the kindly Sister Margaret (Gilmer McCormick) helps him get a job as a stock boy at a toy store run by Mr. Sims (Britt Leach) and Mrs. Randall (Nancy Borgenicht of Halloween 4). He nurses a crush on pretty cashier Pamela (Toni Nero) and reluctantly works alongside the foulmouthed, penis-peddling Andy (Randy Stumpf). When the guy they hired to be Santa during the Christmas season calls in sick, Billy is chosen to don the outfit on Christmas Eve and after a couple drinks and a little provocation in the form of Andy nearly raping Pamela in the back room, Billy finds his personality completely subsumed by Santa's and goes on a merry killing spree.

As he wanders around the town murdering the naughty, Sister Margaret and Officer Barnes (Max Robinson of Halloween 5) attempt to track him down and protect Mother Superior and the kids at the orphanage. That's quite a lot to chew on for a 79-minute film, so for that reason the whole thing adopts a brisk pace that never lets up, save for the very end.

How is it possible to be bored with so many bosoms and axes afoot?

There's only one resolutely Christmasy death (Andy is hung with a string of lights), but in every set the halls are decked with holiday cheer, providing an ironic twinkling backdrop for the fairly decent slasher mayhem. At least in the unrated cut, there's plenty of drippy blood and unnecessary topless scenes to keep the slasher engine running well into the night until not a creature is stirring.

The cheesy music (although all the songs are Christmas-themed, the 80's can't resist poking its head in and the arrangements sound anywhere between the Cheers theme song and what can only be described as reggae electrosynth caroling) and the flop-sweaty exploitation (there's more boobs in this film than wreaths, and we're delivered this cheerily inane line as a couple makes out on a pool table: "2 ball in corner pocket.") are enough to keep spirits high, but it must be said that some scenes are a little tough to stomach.

Although thankfully no rape occurs during the course of the film, there are several protracted scenes that, if allowed to continue, would have gone all the way. Plotwise, this is ostensibly to trigger Billy's buried memories, but moviewise, it leaves a layer of grime caked over the whole thing that isn't entirely eradicable. But there are enough gritty or tense moments that play in that register and succeed (the robber Santa, for one, and the grandfather's stern admonition) that it evens out the rougher ones and allows Silent Night, Deadly Night to tend to be more frightening than the average slasher flick.

And who doesn't love creepy nuns?

The mostly smooth pacing gets a little wonky when the third act culminates in a race-to-save-the-day police thriller atmosphere, but it's still got plenty of camp involved that keeps interest up. One of Billy's favorite activities is to leap out of nowhere and scream "PUNISH!" while brandishing an axe, and if that's not the funnest thing to watch even 45 minutes later, maybe this film isn't for you.

Silent Night, Deadly Night is unique because of its in-depth look into the mind of a slasher villain, justifying his fervent opposition to promiscuity (because, let's face it, Jason and Michael might as well be the Virginity Police) and even grounding the campy Santa costume in some semblance of psychological reality. This is the most thoroughly thought-out holiday horror vehicle of the decade, and the fact that it is capable of giving the jitters is just one huge stocking stuffer.

There's no traditional Final Girl, mask, or filmic structure, but Silent Night, Deadly Night is a slasher for the ages. Its nastiness and uneven quality prevents me from unconditionally loving the thing, but when you're penning your letter to Old Saint Nick, it might do you well to include this DVD on your list if you're so inclined.

Killer: Billy Chapman (Robert Brian Wilson)

Final Girl: Sister Margaret (Gilmer McCormick)

Best Kill: Classic Scream Queen Linnea Quigley is impaled on one of those wall-mounted deer heads. Topless, because that's how the 80's worked.

Sign of the Times: Young Billy is punished with a truly unfortunate mullet.

Scariest Moment: Billy's catatonic grandfather bursts to life when they're alone together and warns him about the dangers of Santa Claus before laughing hysterically and slipping back into his stupor.

Weirdest Moment: When he meets a little girl who has done nothing naughty, Billy rewards her with a bloody box cutter.

Champion Dialogue: "Are you having a religious experience or did you pee your pants?"

Body Count: 13; not counting a snowman that gets decapitated.

1. Convenience Store Clerk is shot to death.
2. Jim Chapman is shot to death. 
3. Ellie Chapman has her throat slit.
4. Andy is hung with Christmas lights.
5. Pamela is gutted with a box cutter.
6. Sims is hit in the head with the back of a claw hammer.
7. Mrs. Randall is shot in the back with a bow and arrow.
8. Denise is impaled on deer antlers.
9. Tommy is thrown through a window and impaled on the glass.
10. Mac is beheaded with an axe while sledding.
11. Father O'Brien is shot to death.
12. Officer Barnes is axed in the chest.
13. Billy is shot to death. 

TL;DR: Silent Night, Deadly Night is uneven and a little nasty, but it's a fun slasher with a heaping helping of Christmas cheer.

Rating: 7/10

Word Count: 1403

Reviews In This Series

Silent Night, Deadly Night (Sellier Jr., 1984)

Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (Harry, 1987)

Silent Night, Deadly Night III: Better Watch Out! (Hellman, 1989)

Silent Night, Deadly Night IV: Initiation (Yuzna, 1990)

Silent Night, Deadly Night V: The Toy Maker (Kitrosser, 1991)

Silent Night (Miller, 2012)

Archive: January 10, 2013

Like Bowling Pins

I’ve watched a buttload of movies that I have not yet talked about (in fact, six of them were in the same day - a new record for me), so I’m gonna knock ‘em out one by one real quick.

Leprechaun 4: In Space

Year: 1996
Director: Brian Trenchard-Smith
Cast: Warwick Davis, Brent Jasmer, Jessica Collins
Run Time: 1 hour, 35 minutes
MPAA Rating: R

This movie got its start when, as a prank, a producer pasted a picture of the Leprechaun over Tom Hanks’ face on an Apollo 13 poster. That perfectly exemplifies the amount of thought that went into the making of this film. Brian Trenchard-Smith returns to direct his second film in the franchise, which is a fate I wouldn’t wish on even my worst enemies.

This movie doesn’t make as much of the “In Space” gimmick as the likes ofJason X and Co., but does feature some stellar bad-good scenes like the Leprechaun bursting out of a Space Marine’s penis, the diabolical Dr. Mittenhand, and an Irish magic-induced drag performance by the ship’s captain.

Pretty solid stuff right there.

Body Count: 8

Rating: 4/10

Leprechaun: In the Hood

Year: 2000
Director: Rob Spera
Cast: Warwick Davis, Ice-T, Anthony Montgomery
Run Time: 1 hour, 30 minutes
MPAA Rating: R

It’s always a bad sign when they stop numbering these things.

This film follows our little Irish friend across the streets of Compton as he pursues a trio of rappers who have stolen his magic flute. The flute’s magical power seems to be that it makes audiences enjoy really awful rap, and the group is trying to use this to score a trophy at a competition in Vegas.

It’s exactly as uncomfortable as you would expect a movie by a white director that is chock full of black stereotypes to be. Ice-T’s character is named Mack Daddy, for crying out loud. This film also features a cross-dressing character, which is the only thing that resembles continuity in the entire series.

Body Count: 9

Rating: 5/10

Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood

Year: 2003
Director: Steven Ayromlooi
Cast: Warwick Davis, Tangi Miller, Laz Alonso
Run Time: 1 hour, 30 minutes
MPAA Rating: R

This is (at the time of writing) the last film in the Leprechaun series, and it actually kinda doesn’t suck. A stoner gets stabbed with his own bong, the annoying skank gets what’s coming to her, and there’s a psychic that’s just a jumbled ball of clichés but at least they’re trying something new.

The Leprechaun doesn’t even show up in the main plot until about the half-hour mark, so we actually get to see some fleshed out characters that somewhat resemble real human beings. It’s kinda nice.

Body Count: 9

Rating: 6/10

Psycho Santa

Year: 2003
Director: Peter Keir
Cast: Krystal Stevenson, Jason Barnes, Jeff Samford
Run Time: 1 hour, 21 minutes
MPAA Rating: N/A

I don’t even wanna talk about this one, what torture. The plot of the movie takes place in a series of flashbacks as a man tells his girlfriend the tale of the Psycho Santa. Essentially there are 4 vignettes, each more boring than the last.

In the first, we watch a girl and her friend have a sleepover in a cabin in the woods, which sounds like the perfect setup, but then nothing happens. One girl takes a shower and we get to see just how many body piercings a single person can hold. And then the other girl dances for about 6 minutes. Not even sexily. Just kind of mindlessly gyrating. Then it cuts back to the storyteller, who tells us that they were killed. We don’t even get to see it.

The second vignette follows burglars who sneak into a supposedly empty house, which turns out to be occupied by a blind woman. They let her go about her business. She’s blind so she doesn’t notice them. Then they proceed to drown her FOR NO REASON in a scene that lasts about three minutes and is just absolutely awful.

The third shows the Psycho Santa kill a young boy and his mother (props to the filmmakers for being brave enough to kill disabled women and children, I guess. It absolutely does not work.). Well, he slices the woman on the collarbone. Evidently this renders her completely immobile and wracked with pain, and she crawls toward a telephone that happens to be on the floor. For about seven minutes. Kill myself.

I’m so bored I don’t even want to talk about the fourth one. If this movie handled its pacing well with the plot it was given, it would have a 10 minute run time. And that would be about 5 minutes too long.

Body Count: 1 hour and 21 minutes of my life

Rating: 0/10

The Christmas Season Massacre

Year: 2001
Director: Jeremy Wallace
Cast: D. J. Vivona, Jason Christ, Chris Belt
Run Time: 1 hour, 10 minutes
MPAA Rating: N/A

This movie came in the same DVD bundle as the atrocious Satan Claus and Psycho Santa, but it was actually pretty funny. It’s clearly just a group of friends who got together to make a movie and it runs like amateur hour, but it follows a guy with an eyepatch decorated with a Christmas tree who kills his high school classmates in pirate themed ways in Christmastown, California, so it’s really not all bad.

God, sometimes I question my life choices when I write sentences like that.

Body Count: 9

Rating: 4/10

Silent Night, Deadly Night

Year: 1984
Director: Charles E. Sellier Jr.
Cast: Lilyan Chauvin, Gilmer McCormick, Toni Nero
Run Time: 1 hour, 19 minutes
MPAA Rating: R

OK, this one was actually pretty great. It’s been nearly impossible to find, but the DVD just got released in the wake of its loose 2012 remake, Silent Night. I rejoiced much more than I should have.

This film got an unfair amount of flak for portraying Santa as a psycho even though in the film it’s clearly just a guy dressed as the Jolly Red Serial Killer. But moral tensions were high and this film got the axe, as it were, and barely saw the light of day until several years afterward.

However, it’s a solid slasher flick about a kid who watched a robber dressed as Santa murder his parents at a young age. He now views Santa as a punishing figure and after he is forced to dress as Mr. Claus for his job at the toy store and has a little too much eggnog, he seeks to punish those he deems naughty.

Featuring an appearance by scream queen Linnea Quigley, this film was great fun and has some actually disturbing sequences that still hold up to this day.

Body Count: 13

Rating: 7/10

Psycho Beach Party

Year: 2000
Director: Robert Lee King
Cast: Lauren Ambrose, Nicholas Brendon, Thomas Gibson
Run Time: 1 hour, 35 minutes
MPAA Rating: UR

This film is basically what a Gidget movie would be like if there was a serial killer on the loose. 

It features Xander from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Aunt Zelda from Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and Amy Adams in her second feature film role.

The female detective is played by a man in drag, who uses a body double for a sex scene.

It is based on a play that this man wrote and starred in.

It also features a two gay beach bunnies struggling with their love for each other, one of whom is severely constipated due to stress.

It’s a deliriously absurd, campy mess and it is absolutely delightful.

Body Count: 4

Rating: 7/10

Word Count: 1311