Songs Of The Wild

Year: 2016
Director: Christophe Lourdelet & Garth Jennings
Cast: Matthew McConaughey, Reese Witherspoon, Seth MacFarlane
Run Time: 1 hour 48 minutes
MPAA Rating: PG

The Illumination Entertainment brand kicked off with Despicable Me and never looked back, to the point that it seemed like the company was incapable of creating a movie (or, at least, a good movie) without the involvement of the Minions, the adorable little yellow buffoons that ignited a pandemic among local retail stores and toy boxes. Sing is probably their heartiest bid at creating a new brand yet, what with its Zootopia-esque world of anthropomorphic animals, and it more or less works.

If you can’t make kids enjoy a movie about cartoon animals, I hear they’re hiring at the 7-Eleven.

In the plot of Sing, which was engineered in a laboratory to appeal to the widest demographic possible, cartoon animals are holding a singing competition, performing covers of pop songs. This is a show put on in the Moon Theatre by its owner, the roguish koala Buster Moon (Matthew McConaughey) who just wants to keep the crumbling building (and his dream of owning a theatre) afloat. Due to a typographical error promising $1000,000 in prize money that he doesn’t have, animals throng the theater, excited to participate.

The contestants have all joined for their own reasons: Rosita the Pig (Reese Witherspoon) – who is paired with the shamefully amusing German provocateur Gunter (Nick Kroll) – wants to prove to her lazy husband and 25 kids that she’s more than just a frazzled housewife; Mike the Mouse (Seth MacFarlane) just wants to be rich and spend the money on the closest analogue to drugs this kids’ film can afford; Johnny the Gorilla (Taron Egerton) wants a career path away from his father’s gang and to raise his dad’s bail; Ash the Porcupine (Scarlett Johansson) wants to use the money to build a recording studio for her rocker boyfriend Lance (Beck Bennett); and Meena the elephant (Tori Kelly) – who initially joins as a stagehand – wants to overcome her shyness and share her gift with the world.

They all want the money, but they find that the power of music and dance that unites them is the most precious prize of all.

And I’m uncannily reminded of how great La La Land is in comparison.

Ask yourself one question: Would you enjoy a movie where animals sing songs? There, you have your answer about whether or not you should see Sing. Case closed. It doesn’t hide what it is, and it’s a totally fine bit of disposable entertainment. If you’re looking for a story though, good luck. The contestants are engaging enough, but they’re a rough assemblage of tropes that indicate characters rather than committing to fleshing them out. Look, shortcuts are necessary if you want the last half hour to be a full concert and keep the run time at a length reasonable enough that children’s attention spans don’t explode.

At the very least, there were wacky little quirks tucked into the corners here and there, enough to keep my attention occupied during the story bits. I especially love the score that calls back to 70’s heist movies whenever Buster pulls his Music Man huckster act. And the fact that they dug up the Beatles deep cut “Golden Slumbers” is certainly a boon to getting me on their side. Then Sing goes bananas during the close of the second act, unstoppering a sequence that’s part-Titanic, part-Final Destination, all massively inappropriate for young audiences, but so bizarrely out of place that it’s truly captivating.

Yeah, Sing is survivable if you have kids who want to see it. Those musical numbers are pretty fun. But if you want to watch a world of anthropomorphic animals where they feel truly integrated in with humanoid society, just watch Zootopia. And frankly, the jukebox musical conceit worked much better in last month’s Trolls. But Sing is a solid stab at non-Minion entertainment that gives me more hope than their abortive Secret Life of Pets, and that’s good enough.

It could have used more Minions though.

Of course, Sing is also filled with fart humor and other juvenile attempts at comedy that stomp allover Japanese culture and African-American stereotypes, as well as throwing in a coded gay frog for a joke that blatantly misses the obvious punchline, so it’s double irritating. But whatever, man. We takes what we gets with these guys.

The stars are charming, the pacing never flags, and you don’t feel like you’ve wasted your time when the credits roll. Sometimes that’s the best you can hope for, and you don’t need to dread being dragged to this should the opportunity arise over the holidays. You won’t catch me singing Sing’s praises, but I enjoyed myself.

TL;DR: Sing is a mostly enjoyable bit of silly kiddy fluff.
Rating: 6/10
Word Count: 810

We Tell The Story

Year: 2016

Director: Travis Knight

Cast: Charlize Theron, Art Parkinson, Matthew McConaughey

Run Time: 1 hour 41 minutes

MPAA Rating: PG

I didn’t want to see Kubo and the Two Strings. Its trailers looked esoteric and incomprehensible, and nothing grabbed me. Luckily, I had a Sergio by my side, who always seems to have the exact opposite opinion about movie trailers. For once, he was right.

The fourth film by stop motion studio Laika (which debuted in 2009 with Coraline), Kubo and the Two Strings is a curious beast. It’s a Frankensteinian creation that grafts together half a dozen different family film genres into a lumbering, frequently clumsy monstrosity. And just like Frankenstein’s Monster before it, it might leave a trail of wreckage in its wake, but it snags your sympathies nonetheless.

Box office, bad.

In Kubo and the Two Strings, Kubo (Art Parkinson) lives in a remote village with his comatose mother, who only comes to life at night to tell him stories and remind him to always hide from the night sky, lest her sisters (both played by Rooney Mara) find him and pluck out his other eye. Oh yeah. Kubo is a descendant of the Moon King (Ralph Fiennes), an immortal denizen of the sky who looks coldly down on humanity with blind eyes. Also, he stole one of Kubo’s eyes because this is a fairy tale and fairy tales are f**ked up.

Anyway, Kubo makes a living using his innate magical powers to animate origami figures with his guitar, using them to tell stories of heroic adventure to the townspeople, but he always has trouble coming up with endings. After attempting to contact his dead father on a spiritual holiday, he accidentally stays out too late and must escape the clutches of his pursuing aunts. His companions are Monkey (Charlize Theron), a protective totem given life as his mother’s final act, an origami samurai, and Beetle (Matthew McConaughey), an amnesiac samurai who served under Kubo’s father and has been cursed with an insect body. They must find three pieces of armor that will allow Kubo to face off against the Moon King.

You know, quest stuff.

And that’s the short version of the plot. For most of the first act, Kubo doesn’t immediately explain what’s going on, plunging the viewer into the world and allowing them to learn the details as the story goes on. This feels like a fun, interactive storytelling style until it doesn’t. It keeps on going, right on into the second and third acts, revealing that it probably wasn’t an intentional choice, just a symptom of the irreparable damage that has been done to this script.

Kubo clumsily attempts to blend a grand quest storyline with categorically juvenile comedy setups, and a feint toward Pixarian heartstring plucking, but the cartilage linking these pieces together is severely eroded. Kubo’s powers flourish and fade according to totally inexplicable rhythms that are nowhere to be found in the actual story. The screenplay attempts to wring out two facile Grand Twists that it doesn’t notice are the exact same as each other, and which could easily be predicted by even the toddlers in the audience if the story was actually comprehensible. And the third act is utter nonsense, bringing the script’s didactic tendency to cudgel us over the head with its themes to the forefront for a wholly unsatisfying boss battle. Or maybe it’s a clever tie-in to the fact that Kubo can never finish his stories. Either way, it sucks. But in spit of all this, Kubo is still kind of great.

Look, our other option this year is Ice Age 5. We takes what we gets.

Although the film stumbles through the smoking wreckage of its narrative, nearly everything in the moment works spectacularly well. It helps to ignore the big picture, but look: This is a movie for kids, who I daresay possess that skillset in spades. 

First off, let me qualify my statement about that juvenile humor. That’s not a detraction, merely an observation that this is a family film of the purest variety, with squeaky clean wholesome material that doesn’t give into the “one for the kids, one for the adults” impulse of almost all post-Shrek animated films. It’s actually quite amusing, and it’s fun to see Charlize Theron converting her badass persona honed in Mad Max into a razor-sharp ‘straight-man” role. And Matthew McConaughey lets off some of that hyper-serious Free State of Jones steam with a  light, breezy vocal performance that reminds us he’s actually capable of nailing comedy.

But what Kubo and the Two Strings boasts above anything else is truly exquisite stop-motion. Next to Pixar’s short film “Piper,” it’s the best animation of the year (not that Sausage Party provided tremendous competition), rendering scenes so gorgeous you just have to sit there, mouth agape, as they wash over you. I’m thinking particularly about the water animation, which is impossibly precise and fluid, pushing the boundaries of what the medium is capable of. They also lean toward their darker impulses, sprinkling in healthy doses of nightmare fuel with the blank porcelain design of the Moon Sisters and a delightfully creepy skeleton monster. The only dark spot on the film is the rendering of the old woman Kameyo (Brenda Vaccaro), which seems to have been imported from some student film. And not even a senior student.

And then, like, there’s emotions and stuff. I’m not convinced Kubo comes by its teary dramatics honestly, but I was openly weeping for about 50% of it, so maybe I was just in a mood. Really, at the end of the day, Kubo is a fun, stylish (that living origami concept is rockin’) family adventure and while it’s a bit muddled, I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

TL;DR: Kubo and the Two Strings is a deliriously haphazard narrative, but it makes up for it with exquisite animation and genuine humor.

Rating: 8/10

Word Count: 990

Everything's Weirder In Texas

Year: 1994

Director: Kim Henkel

Cast: Renée Zellweger, Matthew McCounaughey, Robert Jacks

Run Time: 1 hour 35 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

In the days since the turn of the century, classic horror franchises have been rebooted left and right. Because of the increasingly bizarre and gnarled nature of 80's horror sequels and their withered early 90's fruits, a fresh start tended to be the only option for those interested in continuing a series. Friday made it through 10 films before getting the remake treatment, each more incomprehensible than the last. Nightmare cartwheeled its manic way through 7 and Halloween solemnly marched through 8 before they were swept up in the craze.

And what of Texas Chainsaw? That beloved 1974 Tobe Hooper magnum opus? The illegitimate spawn of that franchise only lurched their way through a scant 4 before crashing and burning in despair. The film that put the final nail in that coffin is the inoperably perplexing Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, which would lay the series to rest until its ignominious resurrection in 2003.

After Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III, I didn't think any single film could possibly be more incomprehensible and irritating than that entry's indiscretions in the face of continuity. I was dreadfully, horribly wrong. For, you see, The Next Generation begins in a terrible, putrid place and goes even further downhill with every minute that ticks by. But let's start at the beginning. That fetid, rotten, terrible terrible place...

High school prom!

Even worse, the classic "flash photos of a corpse" opening is recreated while a mom takes prom pictures. If there's a better way to smear feces all over the legacy of the original Texas Chain Saw, it's... well, it's the rest of the film.

After a prom sequence so brief it feels more like a Vine than exposition, four teens set off unnecessarily on a drive through the Texan wilderness. This slate of queasy Meat includes Heather (Lisa Marie Newmyer), a whiny, jealous girl with an obsession for the macabre; Barry (Tyler Cone), her boyfriend and an overwhelmingly colossal douche, the type of person who'll feel up his girlfriend's best friend right in front of her; Sean (John Harrison), a bland stoner; and Jenny (Renée Zellweger, the first of two inexplicable future celebrities in this turkey), a nerdy, virginal waif with the personality of a paper bag.

This is all established with dialogue as subtle as a meat hook, including - I wish I was kidding - "everyone knows he's a pothead and you guys are just friends!" After they get into a crash in the woods (echoing TCM III, though once the movie settles comfortably into a groove, it opts for a beat by beat riff on Part One), the kids wander their way through the First Act - a veritable avalanche of teenybopper horror tropes.

Including, but not limited to every single character being so venomously obnoxious you actively root for them all to die.

The woods are so foggy, it feels like a forest fire is raging just offscreen, the soundtrack could be sold as Now That's What I Call 90's Alt Rock Garbage - Volume 5, and the only even semi-effective scare involves a plastic garbage bag blowing in the wind. I'd say it's a metaphor for this film, but that's not being particularly fair to the garbage bag.

So the friends get picked off and - shock of shocks - Jenny is brought to dinner with Leatherface and his new family. At this point I am reluctantly resigned to accepting the fact that every time a Massacre is finished, a new cannibal family sprouts around the chainsaw-wielding killer like kudzu. At least his Family of the Week is fairly easy to keep track of.

There's Leatherface (Robert Jacks), of course; W. E. (Joe Stevens), who incessantly quotes famous authors because why not, even deranged cannibals can pick up a library card; and Darla (Tonie Perensky) a trashy realtor who flashes passersby for kicks and is dating into the family to fulfill her monumentally kinky S&M desires with Vilmer (Matthew McConaughey, who has since endeavored with all his might to make you forget this fact), a crazed tow truck worker with a remote-controlled robot leg. I assure you that wasn't a typo, although I pray it started off that way when the script was being written.

This is pretty much what McConaughey will do to you if you bring up this film in mixed company.

Once the teens reach the house, the film kicks back in, repeating the scares and kills from Part One with voracity. One might think that director-writer Kim Henkel, the co-writer of the original film, would manage to provide some unique insight or twist on the formula, but one would be wrong. One must learn sooner rather than later that it is not wise to grasp at straws when it comes to horror sequels. Or else One will wallow in an endless swamp of bitter disappointment.

The second act is saved only by the efforts of McConaughey, who fully commits himself to the role with the then-unpolished but ample talent that would later earn him his Academy Award. He shines among his drab family and at least he draws attention from the least powerful Leatherface performance in franchise canon - Jacks all too frequently falls back on shrieking in terror in lieu of a physical performance. 

And, yes, Zellweger too has since won herself some accolades, but here she is a wet mop, though admittedly she does bring an Every Teen quality to her unconfident performance. But you know who is a fan of Every Teen? Nobody, that's who. Not even other teens.

Not even Cher. But she's just mad that Jenny stole her dress.

The set design is, in a word, depressing. Gone are the rooms filled with animal bones and macabre skeletal furniture in favor of... a few overturned chairs? This is a horror film, not the Big Lots showroom. And the makeup is disheartening. The 90's were a treacherous, neutered time for horror films in general, but one would think the designer could have provided Leatherface with a mask that looked less like a slice of bologna. And don't even get me started on the Grandpa makeup!

Oh yes, he's back, and undeader than ever!

The only viable comparison I have come across is this kid at the Days of the Dead convention whose head was too small for the Michael Myers mask, puckering it into an absurd smirk.

Behold, the face of true evil.

Luckily the third act ramps up the garish absurdity to 11 and snaps off the dial. Between the leg remote fight, the abrupt appearance of an Illuminati leader with three nipples who licks Jenny's face, and the prim elderly couple drinking Bloody Marys in an RV, this film has to be seen to be believed. I was told going in that the film was unpredictable, but it delivers far more ludicrous plot development than any film could possibly contain within the known laws of physics.

It's loud, messy, over the top, and Leatherface is decked out in Rosie O'Donnell drag.

I told you. Unpredictable.

But the sheer insanity of the whole thing is the only element of the entire film with a whiff of originality to it. The film's watchability owes a great debt to its camp factor (aside from the two pre-celebrities, nothing else recommends The Next Generation) as it skyrockets, aiming to top each and every moment with yet another and another and don't forget the cherry on top.

It's the film that killed the series, but I can't say it didn't do so in style. I couldn't possibly ask anyone in good conscience to watch The Next Generation, but at least it earns its keep as a delightfully bad romp through one of the strangest horror franchises in the annals of cinema history.

PS: It delights me to no end to think that somewhere out there, it was someone's job to provide the sound for Vilmer's robot leg as he whirred around the room. Hollywood is a beautiful place.

TL;DR: Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation is shrilly bad, but delectably wacky.

Rating: 5/10

Body Count: 6; not counting the copious audience brain cells that withered and died while watching this.

1. "I'm Not Hurt" Boy has his neck snapped.
2. Sean is run over repeatedly by a tow truck.
3. Barry is hit in the head with a mallet.
4. W. E. is hit in the head with a sledgehammer.
5. Heather is impaled on a meat hook, set on fire, and has her skull crushed with a robot leg.
6. Vilmer has his head split open with a plane propeller. 

Word Count: 1448

Reviews In This Series

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (Hooper, 1974)
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (Hooper, 1986)
Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (Burr, 1990)
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (Henkel, 1994)
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (Nispel, 2003)
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (Liebesman, 2006)
Texas Chainsaw 3D (Luessenhop, 2013)
Leatherface (Bustillo & Maury, 2018)

Archive: January 26, 2013

14 More Celebrities You Didn’t Know Were in Slasher Movies

I had a ton of fun writing my original list, but as I thought about it, I realized there were a lot of omissions that I had overlooked at the time in my haste to discuss Johnny Depp’s midriff. So now I present an addendum.

Read on in horror and see all your favorite stars slum it. Hey, you gotta pay your dues.

Round 1: Leatherface Double Take - The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Franchise

Viggo Mortensen

Famous for: The Lord of the Rings, A History of Violence, The Road

Skeleton in the Closet: Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III(1990)

Our dear friend Aragorn is the first of many now-famous stars to have rubbed shoulders with our friend Leatherface. His character’s name also wins the award for Least Effort Put Into a Pun in a Horror Film: Tex. True story.

Renée Zellweger

Famous for: Jerry Maguire, Bridget Jones’s Diary, Chicago

Skeleton in the Closet: Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation(1994)

This woman has won an Oscar for her performance in Cold Mountain.

This woman has dated Jack White.

This woman was once engaged to Jim Carrey (OK, maybe that one’s not so good to brag about).

And months before she hit the big time, she starred in this grubby little horror reboot that almost never saw the light of day.

Matthew McConaughey

Famous for: How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, The Lincoln Lawyer, Magic Mike, People’s Sexiest Man Alive 2005

Skeleton in the Closet: Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994)

Twist ending: He’s insane. 

Following Renée’s footsteps, McConaughey starred in TCM:TNG, became famous shortly afterward, and became the bane of Hollywood reporters before the invention of spellcheck.

He actually fought to keep the film out of theaters, effectively killing any slim chance it had to make money.

Jessica Biel

Famous for: 7th Heaven, The A-Team, Valentine’s Day

Skeleton in the Closet: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

This one isn’t too embarrassing, the movie was actually pretty good, and it’s only Jessica Biel. But still, worth noting.

Matt Bomer

Famous for: White Collar, Magic Mike

Skeleton in the Closet: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006)

And instantly legions of teenage girls become Leatherface fans.

Round 2: Rap ‘n Slash - A Brief History of Rappers in Horror Cinema

Ice-T

Famous for: “O.G: Original Gangster”, “6 ‘N the Mornin’ “, “Colors”

Skeleton in the Closet: Leprechaun in the Hood (2000)

Ice-T stars as rap producer Mack Daddy whose success comes about by harnessing the leprechaun’s magical flute, which makes people appreciate rap music. I can’t believe I just typed that sentence. 

LL Cool J

Famous for: “Mama Said Knock You Out”, “Doin’ It”, “I Need Love”

Skeleton in the Closet: Halloween H20 (1998)

The Halloween franchise was getting pretty desperate at this point, already having retconned four films to bring back Jamie Lee Curtis, so it makes sense that they would use this kind of novelty casting.

Dirty little secret: The movie, directed by Friday the 13th: Part 2’s Steve Miner, is actually pretty darn good.

Busta Rhymes

Famous for: “I Know What You Want”, “Break Ya Neck”, “Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Could See”

Skeleton in the Closet: Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

Now this is desperate. Busta Rhymes stars as the obnoxious host of a web series who traps a group of teenagers in Michael Myers’ old house and broadcasts their brutal murders online. 

He seems like a standup fellow.

Honorable Mention: Tremaine “Trey Songz” Neverson, who appeared in Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013), earning him a place in both rounds 1 & 2. Unfortunately, his film is too recent to be considered for this category. Better luck next time.

Round 3: Bikini Death Toll - The (Not So) Final Girls

Tyra Banks

Famous for: America’s Next Top Model, The Tyra Banks Show

Skeleton in the Closet: Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

To top things off with what is one of the most awful movies in a franchise that previously featured the magic of Stonehenge turning children’s heads into bugs, Tyra Banks is here. She plays Busta Rhymes’ assistant, and isn’t even murdered onscreen. What a shame.

Amy Adams

Famous for: Enchanted, Julie & Julia, The Muppets, being perfect

Skeleton in the Closet: Psycho Beach Party (2000)

That’s her in the middle! Amy Adams is a gem in this quirky slasher sendup that’s actually pretty great. She is far too adorable to play her role, a sex-crazed vixen who tries to stab her best friends in the back and win the affections of Nicholas Brendon (whom she also appeared with in a season 4 episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer).

Katherine Heigl

Famous for: Grey’s Anatomy, Knocked Up, 27 Dresses

Skeleton in the Closet: Valentine (2001)

This was a good one. There’s some quality movies on this list, weirdly enough. At least on the very narrow adjusted scale of slasher grading. David Boreanaz (Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s Angel) stars as the loveable alcoholic boyfriend, and Katherine Heigl is mowed down within the first ten minutes.

Not to be confused with the 2010 romantic comedy Valentine’s Day, although I’d love to see the look on that horrified Heigl fan’s face.

Round 4: OK Seriously? - These Guys?

Leslie Nielsen

Famous for: Airplane!, The Naked Gun series

Skeleton in the Closet: Prom Night (1980)

This actually happened. Nielsen is the fourth lucky star on this list to have worked alongside everyone’s favorite Scream Queen, Jamie Lee Curtis. If you don’t like Jamie Lee Curtis, you don’t exist.

In Prom Night, Nielsen plays the principal of the high school which is host to both the prom and a teenage blood bath. Did I mention he’s Curtis’s father? Glorious.

Also, be sure to check out the fantastically overlong dance breakdown in the middle of the film.

God, I love the 80’s.

Seann William Scott

Famous for: American Pie, Dude, Where’s My Car?, The Dukes of Hazzard

Skeleton in the Closet: Final Destination (2000)

Steve Stifler’s at it again in this zany teen comedy! After a botched European vacation, the Stiffmeister hangs around town with his wacky friends until he is abruptly decapitated by flying shrapnel.

David Copperfield

Famous for: being a magician

Skeleton in the Closet: Terror Train (1980)

Jamie Lee Curtis gets around. Terror Train is another entry on the list that is unexpectedly high quality. It might actually even be considered “good” in terms of actual real life movies.

Featuring a New Year’s train party/murderfest and about 10 minutes of David Copperfield alternately being creepy and showing off, Terror Trainperfectly sums up the slasher boom of the early 80’s.

In conclusion: Nobody is safe. One by one, the slasher genre will claim all of your favorite stars. You never know who might be next!

Word Count: 1170