London Underground

Year: 2012

Director: Matthias Hoene

Cast: Rasmus Hardiker, Harry Treadaway, Michelle Ryan

Run Time: 1 hour 28 minutes

MPAA Rating: N/A

Way back when when I first saw the trailer for Cockneys vs. Zombies before 100 Bloody Acres, I knew it was my destiny to see this film. An indie British zombie comedy with a funny title? And it came out on my birthday? How perfect is that?

It turns out I never got around to it. My birthday weekend was far too busy to drive all the way down to L.A. multiple times (I was already down there to watch my beloved In A World...) and it slipped through the cracks. Thank goodness it did, because it's a pretty crappy movie. I really should learn to stop trusting the Brits with low budget zombie mayhem.

Sure this is the country that brought us the classics 28 Days Later and Shaun of the Dead, but their indie scene is that which brought us such cinematic defecation as Zombie Diaries and its illegitimate brother Zombie Diaries 2: World of the Dead, one of the top ten worst movies I've ever seen, and not in the fun way.

I know I've said this before, but come on! A seven minute rape scene that aims at ribald comedy rather than hard-hitting body horror? That could only work (and at that barely) under the hand of an exquisitely talented director, something which the film patently did not have.

What was I talking about?

Oh yeah.

Cockneys vs. Zombies takes place in London's East End during a zombie outbreak caused by a construction crew's discovery of an underground cave network filled with Cryptkeepers. Or... something. It's not really explained, but with a genre film of this caliber, does it really need to be? At least there's not as much exposition to sit through before half of London is emptied of living inhabitants.

The film opens strong with a gross jaw-ripping scene and some great retro credits, but quickly peters out after a lively introduction to Terry (Rasmus Hardiker) and Andy (Harry Treadaway), two argumentative brothers who are trying to keep their Granddad (Alan Ford)'s old folks home from being torn down.

Although the first five minutes are packed with wry British comic moments that absolutely land, one gets the sense that the filmmakers decided to make a movie on the strength of five great scene ideas, but could never quite figure out what to do with the remaining 70 minutes. Although the bulk of the first act has a smattering of humor, the next discernible joke won't occur for a good third of the film.

Anyway, Andy is the hot one (well, hot for this budget) and always gets his brother into trouble. This time around the trouble is a bank robbery to attain enough funds to save the elderly home. 

Not that they need help.

Once the outbreak hits, we cut between two intriguing setups. There's the potential zombie movie drama of a bank heist crew with hostages dealing with interpersonal tensions and misplaced post apocalyptic priorities. And there's the grand possibilities for camp humor with the boarded up Cockney octogenarians fighting the undead.

Between these two disparate situations, the film makes rapid shifts in tone that seem lively and slick at first but it ends up getting dizzy, toppling over, and lying gasping in a pool of its own sick. The conflict of horror and humor proves too much for the film and for the bulk of the middle third it ends up having neither at all.

The gore budget is wasted in the first scene, leaving us with dry and humorless gore for the rest of the time. The ending manages to pick up a lot of slack but goes a good ten minutes longer than it should with two false endings, each capped with the exact same dull joke.

Sam Raimi this ain't.

Not to disparage the humor entirely. This is a British production, after all. But the humor is of a contextless sort that I'd rather find on YouTube in short bursts than have to sit through this entire movie to get at. Honestly, if you want to have a good laugh, just watch the trailer. Apparently we Yanks aren't the only ones who put all the good bits in the previews.

Anyway, it's alright. I wouldn't mind if nobody ever saw it, but it doesn't make me regret the hour and a half I spent hanging out with Sergio watching a dumb zombie movie. Also it was my revenge for him making me sit through the entirety of The Help. Not that it wasn't good or anything, I just have an aversion to movies longer than 105 minutes on principle.

So at least it was short. And hey, there were no rape scenes.

TL;DR: Cockneys vs. Zombies has a few beads of hilarious comedy sequences strung together with a weak string of shallow events.

Rating: 5/10

Word Count: 829

Party to Murder

Year: 2012
Director: Robert Heath
Cast: Tom Kane, Liam Boyle, Jack Gordon
Run Time: 1 hour 35 minutes
MPAA Rating: UR

When Henri and were flipping through Netflix, we were cooling off from the somewhat disappointing afterglow of The Descent Part 2 and just wanted to watch a dumb horror movie. Which is essentially what we got, but we could never have anticipated the semi-quality of a movie with such a hideously funny name as Truth or Die.

Our first tip-off came immediately after the opening credits when the first character opened his mouth and a British accent came out! Nobody told us this was a UK film and we got very excited. Honestly, much like Charlize Theron's character in Arrested Development, the accents make the whole thing seem a little smarter. It's not, but what are you gonna do?

We join our young cast at a Halloween party fueled by dubstep, booze, and mountains of cocaine as they celebrate their first successful year at college - sorry, university. Don't ask me how Halloween fits into that timeline, I have no idea how their school schedule works. For all I know they call semesters something pretentious like "half-moons" or whatever.

Those pretentious, stuffy Brits...

It is at this party that we meet our protagonists, who are surprisingly easy to tell apart, which is a blessing in any movie of Truth or Die's pedigree. We have Chris (Gordon), the douchey alpha male; Paul (Boyle), the less douchey but still annoying student who just got a job at a major firm; Eleanor (Jennie Jacques), his slutty girlfriend who is less than happy that his job requires him moving to Scotland; and Gemma (Florence Hall), Chris's girlfriend and the only sort-of nice one in their friend group.

There's also Luke (Alexander Vlahos), resident party animal, cocaine-haver, and star of my daydreams.

Also attending the party is Felix (Kane), a quiet nerdy boy with a massive crush on Gemma. He wants to snog her so hard she'll take him to the loo for a swift shag. Cheerio! Luke, the friendly neighborhood drug dealer, gives him some powdered confidence and sends him on his merry way. Needless to say, things do not end well, with a truth or dare game going awry (Felix basically admits he wants to bone Gemma and Chris picks a fight) and dragging the party to a halt.

Cut to months later, and the group seems to have no qualms about going to Felix's birthday party even though none of them really know him and he at least marginally hates all of them. Whatever. Free booze. They arrive at his family's mansion, but are directed by a creepy groundskeeper to a remote cabin in the woods behind the property.

There they meet Felix's brother, Justin (David Oakes) who says Felix hasn't arrived yet but they should feel free to party it up. Like most grown-up men and women over the age of 18, they decide to play truth of dare again! (This movie was clearly written for 16-year-olds before the filmmakers realized older people are prettier to look at)

Let's play Seven Minutes in Heaven next! I'm looking at you, Luke.

I'll wrap this up before we drown in exposition.

Felix is not delayed. He is dead. He hanged himself after receiving a mean truth or dare related postcard (Sorry, I meant this script was written for twelve-year-olds) and now his brother must defend his family honor.

It's more fun this way anyway. Everyone always just picks truth and it gets boring.

See Luke standing there? For some reason, Justin implicitly trusts him and asks him to help out in terrorizing his friends. Luke does so for fear of being shot, but also probably because of the intensely homoerotic tension between the two of them.

I wish I knew how to quit (tormenting) you

This is probably a good time to mention that Justin is a real queer-basher. He constantly spews homophobic comments even when they aren't relevant to any part of the conversation. Fingers crossed that this is supposed to be some satirical commentary on the army or on psychopaths or... anything. Please. 

But it really just feels mean-spirited and is the biggest flaw in an already deeply flawed film.

In between hailstorms of homophobic slurs, our horrible protagonists are asked "truth or dare?" The questions range widely from "Did you send the postcard?" to "Who do you think sent the postcard?" but things start to heat up when Justin breaks out the battery acid.

It's not a party if your insides aren't sizzling.

That's right, Truth or Die takes a serious left turn into Saw territory and although it is less focused on being horrifyingly gory, the killer game gets more and more complex as each member of the party has their morals and resolve tested. Secrets are revealed and people are scarred for life, just like every other game of Truth or Dare.

Without going into spoiler territory, the climax reminds me of the Scream finale - in a good way. It's actually pretty funny, to be completely honest.

So what we have is a movie where every decision is completely unmotivated and every plot twist is either absurdly telegraphed or utterly silly, but it's just so earnest and fun and packed with surprisingly intense moments that the hour and a half just flies by.

Also there's a grenade. Pulled out of nowhere. It's that kind of movie. We were expecting stupid fun and Truth or Die delivered, along with a half order of quality and a coupon for fond memories.

TL;DR: Truth or Die is a nonsensical British riff on Saw, but provides enough cheesy and intense moments to be great for slumber parties.

Rating: 6/10

Should I Spend Money On This DVD? Heck no, but it's on Netflix.

Word Count: 974