Census Bloodbath: Madman With A Movie Camera

Year:
1985
Director:
Michael J. Murphy
Cast:
Patrick Olliver, Jacqueline Logan, Caroline Aylward
Run Time:
1 hour 23 minutes

Plot: Bloodstream follows a disgruntled horror filmmaker named Alistair Bailey (Patrick Olliver) who decides to seek revenge on the craven producer William King (Mark Wells), who stole his movie, which is also titled Bloodstream. To do so, he decides to create a snuff film involving everyone King loves before killing King himself. He is aided in his quest by his very own dime store Lady Macbeth, King's secretary Nikki (Jacqueline Logan).

Analysis: Another day, another slasher from a storied director. Well, maybe "storied" isn't the right descriptor for British filmmaker Michael J. Murphy, who we last encountered in 1983 with his not-even-an-hour-long slasher epic The Last Night. He sure does exist, though. And a known quantity in Census Bloodbath is always intriguing, even if you know you can only expect cheap ineptitude. 

To be fair, The Last Night was cheap and inept, yes, but it had its share of charm to it. Bloodstream also has this quality, but it turns out that while Murphy's charm might be potent enough to fill 50 minutes, it sure ain't gonna cut it for 83 minutes. Murphy seems to be aware of this himself, as he has padded the majority of the run time with random death scenes from movies-within-a-movie that Alistair Bailey endlessly watches at home on VHS for no real reason that I can discern.

There is only one case where the tapes have any bearing on the plot: he imagines himself being burned at the stake while watching a witch movie, in a pretty neat sequence that effectively tells you where his head it at. Otherwise, this is all useless inflation of the movie's body count with characters who don't even exist in the context of the story. It's not like Alistair is getting ideas for his murders from watching these faux movies, because he doesn't seem to draw inspiration from them. He just kind of sits there watching tape after tape after tape. Maybe this is an indictment of the horror audience or what have you, but if you're so aware of what that audience wants, then maybe don't wait until a full 40 minutes have passed to give it to them.

Once he does get his killing spree started, he still periodically takes breaks to watch more tapes! It's infuriating! Plus, the tapes look even cheaper than the actual movie does. This is a movie that was, by the way, literally made for a budget of 400 pounds.

It is difficult for me to imagine an approach that could be more extravagantly useless than this. However, Bloodstream does begin to suck considerably less when it does get the body count a-rolling. The death sequences are reasonably lively (give or take a slasher cardinal sin or two, like using a gun. I ask you!). Though I say "lively" rather than "creative," because I can't in good conscience apply that term to a movie that rips off the weight bench sequence from Happy Birthday To Me more or less shot for shot.

Also, do I need to tell you that the cinematography is shit and the acting is uniformly flat and affectless? I don't think so, but if I'm wrong, there you go. It has been said. The movie shows enough Theatre of Blood flair by the end that I didn't totally hate it, but it's an immense waste of time that I would only recommend to a completist as foolish as me. Unfortunately, I'm not sure such a person exists.

Killer: Alistair Bailey (Patrick Olliver)

Final Girl: N/A

Best Kill: A gagged Judy having a knife stabbed through the gag and into her mouth is pretty gross!

Sign of the Times: A dude who's camping with his girlfriend in one of the horror tapes looks more or less exactly like Steve from Stranger Things.

Scariest Moment: When you think the movie is over and then Alistair Bailey pops in yet another tape.

Weirdest Moment: Lisa makes her (very handsome) boyfriend leave the house because her father is coming over any moment, then she promptly draws a bubble bath.

Champion Dialogue: “My dear, you're eating your husband's ass."

Body Count: 18; I considered not including any of the kills from the movies within this movie, but frankly if you cut those, Bloodstream doesn't exist, so I'm just going to mark the "fictional" kills with a lil' asterisk.

1. *Zombie Victim has his guts pulled out by zombies.
2. *David is axed in the back of the head by a slasher.
3. *Male Egyptologist is garroted by a mummy.
4. *Quasimodo impales himself on a woman's knife.
5. *Male Vampire is staked through the heart.
6. Greg has a weight dropped on his crotch and his barbell slammed onto his neck.
7. *Biker is shot.
8. *Biker is decapitated.
9. *Suspenders Biker is hit in the chest with a battle axe.
10. Lisa is electrocuted in the tub.
11. Simon is shot, has his arm chainsawed off, and is decapitated with the same chainsaw.
12. Boo the Dog is lit on fire.
13. Sally has her throat slashed with an electric carving knife.
14. *Exorcist has electrodes shoved into his eyes.
15. Judy is stabbed in the mouth.
16. William King is shot through the mouth in a faux suicide.
17. *Werewolf is shot with a silver bullet.
18. Nikki is garroted with a film strip.

TL;DR: Bloodstream has a few charming moments, but those don't a movie make.

Rating: 3/10

Word Count: 910