Track by Track: ARTPOP

Year: 2013

Artist: Lady Gaga

Label: Streamline / Interscope

It's finally happening. Lady Gaga's long-awaited third studio album, the much hyped ARTPOP! Since she burst on the scene in 2008, Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta has constantly been updating her musical style (and her outfits), progressing from the bouncy dance pop of The Fame to the more experimental and Euro-tinged LP The Fame Monster to the Christian rock opera excess of Born This Way.

For over a year she has been touting this album as a magnum opus - a perfect synthesis of pop music and high art (as evidenced by her album cover - designed by always controversial Jeff Koons with motifs from Botticelli's The Birth of Venus), but now the day has come for us to judge that for ourselves.

Has Lady Gaga produced a masterpiece? Or is she just overhyping a routine pop album with some eccentric influences? Only Track by Track will tell. Let's get started! ART! POP!

Track 1: "Aura"

This one has been floating around for some time now, and let me tell you. I honestly just can't bring myself to enjoy it. I won't go so far as to say it isn't "art," because that's all subjective and whatnot. And I accept that for an artist to be truly experimental and push the boundaries of their previous work, that means they'll have to produce a couple tracks that alienate certain people. Everybody's tastes are different. I get that. I still can't stand "Aura" though.

The problem is, it's actually a pretty great song musically. Starting off with a Middle Eastern / country inflection and sliding into a hip pounding beat and an computerized sonic tidal wave that lead to a soaring pop chorus, this song is decidedly unique and fresh, delivering on Gaga's promise of pushing the envelope of Top 40. It's danceable, dark, and just a little weird.

But this song, originally titled "Burqa," (changed presumably due to Muslim backlash) takes heavy damage from tremendously wooden lyrics (check out my "best line") and a bizarre opening that involves Gaga chanting "HA HA HA HA" in a looming monotone. And while I'm a supporter the weird, affected intonation Gaga uses to chant her lines in this song and most of the other tracks on this album (heretofore referred to as "Nutcracker Voice" because whenever she uses it, I imagine her jaw flapping open and shut, mouth gaping like a little wooden man), in this one it's a little bit much.

I just can't get past the HA thing. It's lazy, it's boring, and it's not opening track worthy. Sorry, Gaga.

Best Line: "I hear you screaming / Is it because of pleasure or toil?"

Track 2: "Venus"

This one would have been my pick for opening track. The grinding synths and computerized soundscape recall the better parts of "Aura" but the lyrics are otherworldly and fun, combining Gaga's alien mystique cultivated during "Born This Way" with her newfound obsession with Roman mythology.

Something of a triple entendre, "Venus" combines the idea of an extraterrestrial romance (a concept previously explored in Katy's "E.T") with the Roman goddess of love (based on the Greek Aphrodite, who is also mentioned) into a sensual cocktail of supernaturally fantastic romance. And sex. Lots of sex.

And the breakdown is one to remember. Gaga chants out a list of planets, belts out vocal trills that remind one of Queen's "Flash" theme, and devours the track with electric zeal. It could have gone oh so wrong (consider The Black Eyed Peas listing days of the week in "I Gotta Feeling") but ends up being precisely tuned to the overarching themes of the song and draws you further into the electronic wonderland of Outer Space.

Best Line: "Uranus / DON'T YOU KNOW MY ASS IS FAMOUS?"

Track 3: "G.U.Y."

"Girl Under You." This gender-bending song explores the dynamics of a G.U.Y. wresting control from her beau and blowing his mind with her goddess powers. Yes, we're back to the gods again. This time, they're explicitly Greek though, with references to Aphrodite (always a favorite) and her son Himeros, the god of sexual desire. Also Mars, the Roman god of war. For some reason.

With a background track that recalls the soundtrack to a Pokémon game in the best way possible, Gaga alternately channels Beyoncé and a speaking calculator in an irresistible sing-along track. With her gender bending, the union of widely varied sources, and bringing the ancient Gods of classical art to a modern song of desire, the manifesto of ARTPOP is heard loud and clear.

I dunno if acronymically dubious house music is art, but this track is convincing me to take her word for it.

Best Line: "Touch me, Touch me, Don't be sweet / Love me, Love me, Please retweet"

Track 4: "Sexxx Dreams"

Wow, "Sexxx Dreams" is just all over the place. Part 90's R&B with an 80's bass riff that wouldn't be out of place on a Michael Jackson single and a brief Taylor Swift apostrophe, this relaxed track doesn't benefit from being the third sex-centric song in a row.

And I'm sorry, but you can do better than repeating "making love in my sex dreams" for the chorus. Good enough, but forgettable in the grand scheme of things.

Best Line: "When I lay in bed / I touch myself and I think of you"

Track 5: "Jewels N' Drugs (feat. T.I., Too $hort, and Twista)"

ARTPOP's first foray away from eurodance/house-inspired pop buries Gaga's personality beneath a truckload of the thin clattering beats and tinny blips of Top 40 rap music. I'm glad she's trying something new and exploring other musical styles that inspire her.

But Gaga really isn't as thug as she thinks she is.

This song is too much like every other rap song on the charts right now. It brings nothing new to the genre, which is one I never really liked to begin with. I'm not angry that I spent money on it, but it's not going on my iPod. We'll call this one an well-intentioned misstep.

Best Line: "Slap honey on your pancake / We know how to make a lot of money"

Track 6: "MANiCURE"

Rock guitar! Hand claps! Gaga puts her own paint on the road paved by grrl rock n' rollers like Joan Jett or Pat Benatar. The shoutalong chorus is destined to be mumbled by people who don't quite remember the lyrics but always know exactly when to punch in and scream.

"humma hum bum MANICURE!"

It's peppy and fun, and wouldn't be out of place in a Mean Girls style makeover montage. It's pretty superficial and the least arty/experimental track so far, but it is driven by pure energy and that's never a waste.

Best Line: "Touch me in the dark / Put your hands all over my body parts"

Track 7: "Do What U Want (feat. R. Kelly)"

Lady Gaga has always had a rocky relationship with feminism, so when she announcing you could "do what U want with [her] body," it was hard not to cringe. Although upon closer inspection the lyrics are much less rapey than they originally seemed.

It's more about control issues and fear of commitment. Gaga doesn't want to give her heart to this man (R. Kelly? Yeah, why would you?), so she just resigns herself to just having awesome sex. Which I guess isn't the worst possible outcome.

The track itself is inoffensive, with an opening that sounds a lot like late 80's Depeche Mode. I'm so glad the 80's are coming back, I missed them so.

I have no idea why the "U" isn't spelled out though. That one's gonna bother me.

Best Line: "You can't have my heart and / You won't use my mind but / Do what U want with my body"

Track 8: "ARTPOP"

"ARTPOP" sounds like an alien transmission from beyond Pluto. That is a compliment. The Nutcracker Voice makes its triumphant return, having taken a brief hiatus after wearing itself out on "G.U.Y."

So far, the strongest tracks on the album are the more standard house-inspired Euro tracks that Gaga has proven herself so adept at producing. It isn't exactly breaking brand new ground, but they are always a welcome presence.

Although this song bears more than a passing resemblance to Selena Gomez's "Love You Like a Love Song," it is a return to form for the album which has proven so far to be very pleasing if not infinitely mind-blowing.

Best Line: "My ARTPOP could mean anything"

Track 9: "Swine"

The first time I heard "Swine" was during Gaga's performance at the iTunes music festival (available for free on iTunes, if you want to check it out) and it absolutely blew my mind. Gaga throws herself body and soul into this hate song (rumored to be written about Perez Hilton and it's easy to believe).

Energy! Such energy! Gaga squeals and growls and belts a roaring one word chorus that short circuits the brain's pleasure centers. She screeches and wails her way into an orgasmic dubstep drop that's going to absolutely murder at the clubs.

I love "Swine." It's an impassioned track, a rage anthem for the masses, and the most personality-filled track on what was already a very personal album for Gaga.

Best Line: "SWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE / SWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE"

Track 10: "Donatella"

Although this peppy ode to the good life would feel more at home on The Fame (there's shades of "Money Honey" and "Beautiful, Dirty, Rich" as well as "Fashion," which only ever was released on the Confessions of a Shopaholic soundtrack and was originally written for Heidi Montag. Gaga had some growing pains apparently), it's a nice reprieve from her more challenging tracks.

Dubstep bleats are laid alongside a lively piano, which hasn't taken center stage at all yet during this album. "Donatella" is basically The Devil Wears Prada distilled into a pop track as heard through an Icona Pop filter. It's pretty great. Who doesn't love all of those things? 

Best Line: "Cause she walks so bad / Like you feel so good"

Track 11: "Fashion!"

A little confusing, given that she already has a song titled "Fashion," but we'll let it slide just this once.

The piano's back in full force, guys!  Gaga's talents on keyboard are unmatched in the pop scene today, so it's always a gift when she gets a chance to show off. This isn't exactly a heavy piano song, even, it's just nice to hear that she hasn't forgotten where she came from.

Unfortunately, "Fashion!" doesn't rise above the level of aggressively bland pop fare. It's not bad, but merely unmemorable and uninspired. Completely out of place alongside even the worst of ARTPOP's other tracks, "Fashion!" feels like a demo track from her pre-"Just Dance" days.

Not like "Just Dance" was even a pillar of pop originality.

It's not great, guys. I honestly don't know how this song ended up on here.

Best Line: "Looking good and feeling fine / Slay, slay"

Track 12: "Mary Jane Holland"

This plodding dubstep crooner goes hand in hand with "Fashion!" as a track that really in no way deserves to be on the album. Rather than having an excitingly cluttered soundscape like the earlier ARTPOP tracks, "Mary Jane Holland" just feels overproduced and sloppy.

If it weren't for the sprightly breakdown, this track could barely even be considered bonus track material. Although if it was a bonus track, I suppose I'd feel less animosity toward it.

One of the few tracks on the album that doesn't require a second listen.

Best Line: "But our truffles are the most / Mad-magical in Amsterdam"

Track 13: "Dope"

We're almost to the end, and this is the first actual ballad we've come across. It's a shame, because it's a darn good one. A slow and powerful piano melody full of regret and heartbreak, Gaga's voice is shattering. Although I was initially wary of the seemingly pandering title, this track is solid and heartfelt.

It's like a more cohesive, less self-indulgent iteration of "Yoü and I." It's so so much better than that track, which is one that I really loved off Born This Way. "Dope" is one of those songs that absolutely deserves the massive ballyhoo that Gaga raised over the release of this album.

Best Line: "Been hurting low / From living high for so long"

Track 14: "Gypsy"

The only other ballady track on the album is for some reason shoved ceremoniously right behind "Dope" like sardines. I was apprehensive during the slow opening because there's no way another straight ballad could have held up while following that heart-wrenching track, but a tempo change at the chorus sends "Gypsy" spiraling over the moon.

A thrilling revelation, "Gypsy" is this album's "Edge of Glory" and it is fabulous. Gaga busts out the hard drums, name drops "Scheiße," and hits the 80's influences harder than she ever has. It's joyful and glides effortlessly above the world, taking its strength from a repetitive chorus that's so captivating it's impossible to notice the lyrical shortcomings.

This song is basically like running stark naked through a field of daisies, a sparkler in each hand. A totally exhilarating and liberating experience.

Best Line: "Thought that I would be alone forever / But I won't be tonight"

Track 15: "Applause"

"Applause" is what every lead single off an experimental album is: safe. It's a diluted introduction to the themes and musicality of the album to come. The Nutcracker Voice makes its appearance, Gaga does some self analysis and name drops Jeff Koons, but only the self consciously arty video reveals the album's true intentions.

Nevertheless, "Applause" is a solid pop track, perhaps the most dance friendly on the entire album. If it's good enough for the exercise hamsters, it's good enough for me.

Best Line: "If only fame had an IV / Baby, could I bear"

Overall: ARTPOP hits more than it misses. Although it doesn't exactly live up to its enthusiastically bombastic hype, what album possibly could? Although her lyrics are uncharacteristically weak, she more than makes up for it with solid house and 80's-inspired backing tracks that revel in their extravagance.

It briefly sags in the middle but the opening and especially the closing sets are strong, occasionally grazing the perfect synthesis of high art and pop that Gaga wants this junior album to be. Regardless of its shortcomings, Gaga is still a pop queen and at least four of these tracks are likely to wind up on my top 50 of the year, maybe even the top 20. "Swine" and "Gypsy" are definitely in my top 10.

Ranking:

#15 "Fashion!"

#14 "Mary Jane Holland"

#13 "Jewels N' Drugs (feat. T.I, Too $hort, & Twista)"

#12 "Aura"

#11 "Do What U Want (feat. R. Kelly)"

#10 "Sexxx Dreams"

#9 "ARTPOP"

#8 "G.U.Y."

#7 "MANiCURE"

#6 "Applause"

#5 "Donatella"

#4 "Venus"

#3 "Dope"

#2 "Gypsy"

#1 "Swine"

Word Count: 2493

A Flock of Seagulls

Year: 1963

Director: Alfred Hitchcock

Cast: Rod Taylor, Tippi Hedren, Suzanne Pleshette

Run Time: 1 hour 59 minutes

MPAA Rating: PG

The second part of my horror class' Hitchcock Halloween Double Feature was his highly divisive second horror feature The Birds. In my experience, The Birds is a pea soup horror movie - you either love it or you hate it. There's no in between. As evidenced by my inclusion of the film in my Five Scariest Movies article, I am firmly in the "love it" camp.

For most pre-1970's horror movies, viewers are advised to view them from the perspective of the audiences of the time. "If you think about what movie effects were like in the 30's, you'd be totally terrified of Frankenstein/Psycho/The Creature From the Black Lagoon too, man!" Well that's all fine and dandy, but sometimes I don't want to watch horror as an academic. I came to be scared, not to imagine somebody else being scared.

The Birds is one of the few films between cinema's inception and, let's say Night of the Living Dead in 1968 that still holds up tremendously under the scrutiny of the jaded eye of the modern horror fan. Some of the effects do show their age, but this film is a showcase of some of the best composite cinematography available at the time. It's not modern perhaps, but it's still great workmanship and consistently exciting.

No, those birds weren't there. No, I don't care. I'd still run.

The trick of The Birds lies in its plotting. Melanie Daniels (beautiful newcomer Tippi Hedren) is a young and mischievous San Francisco socialite who meets handsome swain Mitch Brenner (Rod Taylor) by chance in a bird shop. She pretends to be an employee for sh*ts and gigs, but her ability to aid him in procuring a pair of lovebirds for his kid sister is impeded by her utter lack of knowledge about bird species.

The two quarrel good humoredly and Mitch leaves empty handed. Because her schedule was free that weekend, Melanie decided to purchase a set of birds and deliver them personally to the man with a note admonishing his rudeness. When she discovers he's on vacation she follows him up the coast to the beautiful town of Bodega Bay. Through a series of misunderstandings and good-natured lies, her prank goes too far as she ends up chartering a rowboat, traveling across the bay, and sneaking into his mother's house to deliver the birdcage.

Basically, for the first half hour or so, The Birds is a zany romantic comedy until... a lone seagull swoops down from the sky and claws Melanie's forehead. What follows is a series of increasingly vicious attacks by different flocks of birds that continues throughout the movie. The delightful and charming opening of the film was but a sham to suck you in, get you involved with the characters, and then run them through a conveyor belt of never-ending terror.

But thanks to the amount of time we get to spend with the actual people in the plot as opposed to just the horrors, the film is also successful as a character study of the interactions of a broken family [Mitch is supporting his widowed mother (Jessica Tandy) and his little sister (Veronica Cartwright) on his own] and a woman who's trying to find her way in life.

So we have this opening act of stellar old-fashioned romantic comedy followed terrifying bird attacks combined with a hearty family drama. And the biggest surprise? The gore effects are good too! Evidently the deterioration of film censorship came a long way in the wake of Psycho leading to grisly scenes like the neighbor with his eyes pecked out.

Lazy bum didn't even change out of his pajamas.

The success of The Birds with its abrupt tonal shifts and delicate juggling act of themes lies entirely on the backs of three people: Alfred Hitchcock (obviously), sound designer Bernard Hermann, and Tippi Hedren.

Alfred Hitchcock's talent at manufacturing suspense is a given, of course, but it is commendable that after having so thoroughly proven himself with previous films, he still sought out ways to make his next movie even bigger and better. The lengthy attack scenes in The Birds are like Hitchcock wrapping his hands around your neck, pausing for a minute, and then slowly squeezing until you're gasping for air.

One sequence in particular in which a murder of crows attacks a schoolhouse is terrifying, not necessarily because of the fact that murderous (ha) birds are attacking young children, but rather because of the fact that we see them slowly gathering behind Tippi Hedren as she obliviously smokes a cigarette.

We know what's going to happen. And there's nothing we can do to stop it. The pressure builds and builds until it finally explodes into a cacophony of squawks, beaks, and wings. The slow boil approach that Hitchcock uses here more or less erases the inherent silliness of the film's premise, allowing us time to ponder just how many uses a sharp bird's beak might be put to. Or just how many birds there are in the world. Or the fact that random acts of nature similar to (but perhaps slightly less preposterous than) this happen all the time.

This slow easing into the more absurd elements is handled so masterfully that even when the birds blow up a gas station, it is still closer to Psycho than Birdemic.

Believe you me, you see this and you're not gonna be thinking "This is a ridiculous plot point." You'll be sprinting away as fast as you can.

But enough about Hitchcock. Everybody know's he's great. Bernard Hermann, sound designer and composer of the score for Psycho, plays an equally important role in the overall impact of the film. He was originally hired to write a score, but he thought it would be best to keep the film absolutely devoid of music (save for a hauntingly creepy moment set during the children's choir class).

Instead the audience's ears are buffeted with a hurricane of squawks and flaps that underly and occasionally overtake the action in most every scene. This attack on the eardrums is unsettling in the highest degree and keeps one firmly planted in the universe of the movie no matter how much they might want to get away.

And you do want to get away.

Which brings us to Tippi Hedren. The star of the show. Sure, Hermann and Hitchcock did the grunt work, providing a magnificent framework for this woman to thrive, but without her star turn as Melanie, the film would have been rudderless and careening wildly.

Melanie Daniels is a human Barbie doll. She's gorgeous and fabulous. She's rich, playful, and irresponsible. She grew up toying without people, paying no mind to the consequences. But after a media snafu in Rome (and through the cavalcade of bird attacks), she has become unmoored, searching for her place on the shelf of life.

Melanie is a wounded woman. She was once free as a bird (geddit) but she needs to find a place to land on her feet.

She supports charities. She's putting a poor Third World child through school. But to what ends should she dedicate her characteristic passion? With an uncaring father and an absentee mother, she has never known the unconditional love of another person, which during the course of her adventure she finds not in Mitch but in his initially untrusting mother.

Melanie's complicated personality layers and deep hurt are handled with great care by Ms. Hedren who puts in one of the single best performances in a horror film that I've ever seen. Equal parts blasé, fabulous, vulnerable, and tenacious, this woman is a masterpiece of character, both in writing and performance. Without her, The Birds is nothing.

Such fabulous. Much appreciate.

It's true that The Birds is much less monumental and groundbreaking than Psycho, but in my opinion, it is the better movie in terms of tension, thrills, and character development.

I have opinions, so sue me.

One last thing before I go (I'm about to lay down some Film Theory 101 on y'all so the uninterested can feel free to skip to the end): The nature of the bird attacks is a mystery. Is it because we're polluting the Earth? Is it because Melanie is a classless ho (as some of my classmates seem to think - they are not very nice people)? Is it because of the two lovebirds who remain in their cage in the Brenner house?

Who know?

That's the nature of nature - to be unfathomable and illogical. Things happen. Some of them are good. Some of them are bad. Some of them will peck out your eyes. And that is infinitely more terrifying than some half-baked environmental treatise.

I would like to think that my theory is supported in the scene where Melanie is trapped in a phone booth outside the diner. Around her she sees representations of fire (the gas station explosion), water (a stray fire hose is mucking up the works), air (the birds, naturally), and earth (an overturned cart of cabbages). These four natural elements present in the same scene imply that the bird attacks are merely a force of nature - elemental and inescapable.

And that's why I'm afraid.

TL;DR: The Birds is Hitchcock's best horror film, hands down.
Rating: 9/10
Word Count: 1573

The Applebox Killers or: Five Things You Didn't Know About You're Next

Because Sergio is super up on things, we managed to get tickets to a special midnight screening of You're Next, my favorite horror movie of the year at the Cinefamily Theater in Los Angeles. Afterward there was a Q&A with the director Adam Wingard, the writer Simon Barrett, and one of the stars AJ Bowen.

It was a really great experience, the likes of which make me really glad that I live in Southern California.

Because I'm super cool and I can name drop, here's me with Adam Wingard and AJ Bowen.

But aside from being super fun, the event was also very informative about the process of making the film and I learned some very interesting things that I'd like to share with you all.

#1 The Killers Weren't Quite So Menacing As All That

Two of the killers (one of whom was played by Simon Barrett himself) were... vertically challenged. Although one of the actors towered over the rest of the cast, the other two had quite short statures. In order to make them more imposing, the other two frequently had to stand on wooden appleboxes to adjust for their height difference. During production the crew unofficially dubbed the movie "The Applebox Killers."

#2 You're Next Owes Everything to The Possession

Lionsgate had previously picked up You're Next for distribution in 2011 but was delayed by corporate restructuring. Once the Sam Raimi produced The Possession proved to be a modest hit, this cleared the path for You're Next's release one year later.

#3 Sharni Vinson Really Threw Herself Into Her Character

Apparently this Aussie chick is just as tough as she looks. Sharni was dedicated to telegraphing every single one of Erin's aches and pains as accurately as possible and was disappointed when they wouldn't let her jump out the window and used a stunt double. Ironically, after having danced for three weeks on a broken ankle in Step Up 3D and breaking her knuckles when punching a wall in Bait, You're Next was the first film set where she didn't break a bone.

#4 Barbara Crampton Is A Peach

Re-Animator director Stuart Gordon and star Jeffrey Combs were both supporters of the team's earlier film, A Horrible Way to Die. In honor of their support, Barrett and Wingard requested that Barbara Crampton (the love interest in Re-Animator) come out of retirement to play the mother. They told her to call Stuart and Jeffrey so they could vouch for them, but she loved the script so much she decided to do it anyway.

#5 Adam Wingard and Simon Barrett Love Silly Horror Movies

It just goes to show that the greatest horror filmmakers have the best senses of humor. Barrett extolled the virtues of Return of the Living Dead III and Wingard's favorite Halloween film is Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers, a 1995 slasher that featured Paul Rudd and a druid's curse.

Word Count: 487

Music To My Eyes

I haven't posted a movie review in a couple days because I've been too busy... watching movies. It's a dilemma, I know. But assume crash positions and prepare for an inundation of overwhelmingly astute film criticism.

Unfortunately for some of you, in the post-Halloween rush, all of the films that I've screened this week have been horror movies, so I decided to whip up a little fun treat for those of you who need a break from the pure unadulterated terror.

The Ten Best Musical Moments in Non-Musical Movies 

#10 "River of Jordan" Airplane! 

Original Artist: Peter, Paul & Mary

Performed By: Randy (Lorna Patterson)

Airplane! is my favorite comedy film for so many reasons, not the least of which is this sequence which is simultaneously beautiful and hilarious. This song is so pretty I'd listen to it on its own, but the comedy sends this scene through the roof.

#9 "A Little Respect" D.E.B.S. 

Original Artist: Erasure

Performed By: Lucy Diamond (Jordana Brewster)

D.E.B.S. is one of those niche LGBT movies that nobody has ever heard of but more people should. This campy lesbian superspy comedy (yes this exists) reaches its crux with this sweet sequence set to the Erasure earworm that once overwhelmed the staff of Sacred Heart.

#8 "Hold On" Bridesmaids 

Performed By: Wilson Phillips

Bridesmaids is one of those rare female-centric comedies that was a massive hit across the board. That alone would make it one to remember but this nostalgic closing sequence became instantly iconic due to its celebration of the silliness of growing up in the late 80's.

Which I can totally relate to, which is why I love it.

#7 "Somebody To Love" Ella Enchanted 

Original Artist: Queen

Performed By: Ella (Anne Hathaway)

A precursor to Les Misérables, perchance? Anne Hathaway's second hit after The Princess Diaries showcased her chops and although it wasn't as good as the Gail Carson Levine book it's based on, this movie took advantage of its cinematic format to do some exciting new things.

#6 "What Dreams Are Made Of" The Lizzie McGuire Movie 

Performed By: Lizzie McGuire (Hillary Duff) and Isabella Parigi (Hillary Duff)

Don't ask me why the dialogue is in German. YouTube has literally everything you could ever want. Except Lizzie McGuire in English.

This song was a staple of my childhood. My sister and I choreographed a dance to it and spent hours and hours in our living room practicing. This is one of those things that everybody my age knows even if they've never seen the movie or the TV show and it is just so Disney Channel Golden Age and incredible. A bubblegum pop masterpiece.

#5 "Everybody (Backstreet's Back)" This Is The End

Performed By: The Backstreet Boys

Another nostalgic throwback, maybe I need to do some deep reflection. This fully choreographed closing number (sorry, spoilers) was totally unexpected and the third most hilarious scene in the entire film.

#4 "Time After Time" Romy and Michele's High School Reunion 

Original Artist: Cyndi Lauper
Performed By: Romy White (Mira Sorvino), Michele Weinberger (Lisa Kudrow), and Sandy Frink (Alan Cumming)

Hands down the single funniest entry on this list. This absurd three-part dance to an 80's classic comes completely out of nowhere and is so superbly ridiculous. I can't adequately express how tremendously exhilarating watching this scene for the first time is. 

Basically, my favorite part of any movie ever.

#3 "I Wanna Be Loved By You" Some Like It Hot 

Original Artist: Herbert Stothart/Harry Ruby
Performed By: Sugar Kane (Marilyn Monroe)

I had to include this so I could prove that I'm actually taking this list seriously. This smoky performance is the height of 50's style and features Marilyn Monroe at her finest. This performance - and this film - is one to remember, even by today's radically warped standards of comedy.

#2 "Magic Dance" Labyrinth 

Performed By: Jareth the Goblin King (David Bowie)

Jim Henson's dreamy cult masterpiece has gotten a lot more recognition recently, but nobody really mentions this loopy David Bowie sequence and it's a darn shame. Absolutely stupendous and totally bizarre, exactly the style they were going for.

#1 "(You Make) My Dreams" (500) Days of Summer 

Original Artist: Hall & Oates
Performed By: Tom (Joseph Gordon-Levitt)

Come on, you had to know this one was coming. (500) Days of Summer was the rare romantic comedy (I know, I know. Don't argue with me on that) that brought something exciting and new to the genre. The film's strengths lie in the sequences that show Tom's romanticized perspective on the world and this one is a perfect consummation of all the movie's elements.

Honorable Mentions:
"Just Dropped In" The Big Lebowski
"Jingle Bell Rock" Mean Girls
"Thriller" 13 Going On 30
Word Count: 797

Mama's Boy

Year: 1960

Director: Alfred Hitchcock

Cast: Janet Leigh, Anthony Perkins, Vera Miles

Run Time: 1 hour 49 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

For our class during the week of Halloween, my Horror Studies professor decided to do a double feature of Hitchcock's horror movies. I decided that, instead of including them as mini-reviews in a Splatter University post, I should give each film its own full review because come on. Hitchcock.

There are seven movies responsible for everything that I am today. Twitch of the Death Nerve, a seminal Italian giallo film and one of the first slasher movies to feature a teenaged cast (for a third of the film, at least). Black Christmas and The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, both in 1974, cemented in the idea of a Final Girl. Halloween made low budget horror massively profitable again. Friday the 13th incited the slasher boom and Scream dragged it into the modern age.

But before any of this could happen, there was a horror picture filmed for chump change on a studio backlot, based on a pulp horror novel that nobody had ever read. Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho was a massive splash - a watershed moment for horror and for cinema itself with a violence unparalleled in American cinema at the time.

It's hilariously tame by today's standards, but Psycho's gore took violent cinema to a whole new level. Having spent the last few weeks of class sitting through an onslaught of 50's genre films I can assure you that horror films at the time were like taking shots of milk, whereas Psycho was like having a bottle of tequila smashed over your head.

Woo! Spring Break!

Now I'm going to go ahead and assume that there's no need to worry about spoilers in a 53-year-old film that most everybody has either seen or read about. I think that's fair. If you really don't know what happens, just go watch it and come back. You can let me know how I'm doing.

To properly discuss Psycho, one must start before the movie even begins because Hitchcock isn't a simple filmmaker to discuss. No, he's much too obstinate for that. When filming an episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents, he was impressed with the speed and efficiency of the television crew. Because they were working for TV, they couldn't waste a single second of extra budget so they had to get in, get out, and wrap shooting in record time while still producing high quality material.

He decided to challenge himself to shoot a film cheaply with a TV crew on studio sets in the Universal Backlot. What happened was Psycho and I'm not sure even he could have predicted how successful it would prove to be.

OK, maybe he could.

Which brings us to our next point. Psycho was groundbreaking in more ways than one, because otherwise that would have been way too easy to write about. In addition to its violent content, Psycho explores sex in the modern age with a newfound freedom due to the weakening of the long-standing (and astoundingly Puritanical) Hays Code of film censorship.

Only a few years before, it would have been impossible to imagine any depictions of a real sexual lifestyle, but here we are with a man and a woman in bed together, kissing, obviously post-coitus. And the man is divorced! Positively scandalous. Think of the children!

In addition to this, Psycho is one of the first films to say "transvestite" (a word that was thought at the time to be perverse and almost didn't make it past the censors) and is the first American film to show a toilet flushing onscreen. The horror!

Due to its out of the box material and shockingly modern plot elements, the film was an out and out smash at the box office. It has since made over 30 million dollars, has a 96% rating on Rotten Tomatoes (with the majority of the 3 bad reviews complaining that it's "too gory"), and landed the number one spot on the AFI's 100 Scariest Movies list.

So what's it all about, then, eh?

Pecs. That's what it's all about.

Young secretary Marion Crane (Janet Leigh, who would later give birth to the heir to her Scream Queen throne, Jamie Lee Curtis) is dissatisfied with her life in Phoenix. Her studbucket boyfriend Sam Loomis (John Gavin) lives far away in California, her pay isn't nearly enough, and her haircut is atrocious. When asked by her employer to deposit $40,000 in the bank on the way home (today's equivalent: $315,000), she absconds with the cash and hightails it out of the state.

On her way to her boyfriend's town, she grows weary and the torrential downpour proves too much to handle so she stops for the night in a seedy little inn known as the Bates Motel. It is run by a charming young man named Norman (Anthony Perkins, who is absolutely incredible except, weirdly, in the scenes where he has to have conversation with his mother - the only acting complaint I have throughout the entire film) who takes care of his invalid mother and struggles to keep the business afloat. It's been tough ever since they moved the highway away.

Marion struggles with her guilt over stealing the money, and is eventually (indirectly) inspired by Norman to go straight home in the morning and return the cash with heartfelt apologies (Lord knows how she would have kept her job, but this was the 60's and she was a charming broad so you never know). Unfortunately, being stabbed repeatedly with a knife isn't conducive to a successful road trip.

RUDE.

The rest of the film follows the investigation into her disappearance by Sam, her sister Lila (Vera Miles), and the condescending Detective Arbogast (Martin Balsam). But that's not important right now. Our protagonist is dead. But the film's still going. Who let that happen?

Through clever marketing (and an incredible gimmick of not allowing latecomers into the theater), Hitch primed the audience for the shock of their lives. Janet Leigh was the biggest star on the cast, had the highest billing, and was featured prominently in the advertising. Her character was dynamic, had a change of heart, and was set on a path of redemption, the likes of which the audience was surely expecting. Hitch even put in his customary cameo in the first ten minutes of the movie so people looking for him wouldn't be distracted once the plot proper began.

By quite literally cutting the main character out of the film around the halfway point, audience expectations were rent apart. Anything could happen now. What could possibly come next? (Scream also successfully used this tactic by gutting Drew Barrymore in the opening scene.) Honestly, what comes next is a bit of a letdown considering that any contemporary filmgoer who watches Psycho already knows the ending so they're not impressed with the mysteries surrounding the Bates family.

And therein lies the problem. Having heard so much about Psycho for so long, modern audiences go in expecting to see a deliciously scary film and surprising twists and turns. Due to the oversaturation of discussion on the film, they are likely to find neither of these. Thus the innate power has been diminished and ravaged by time. But for audiences in the 60's, this was enormously inventive stuff (very few of them had read the book, considering that Hitch had bought as many copies as he could to keep them out of stores).

Hitchcock is about as insane as Norman Bates himself.

It is perhaps a better experience to come into Psycho looking for a decent thriller as opposed to a great horror film. If you come in primed for horror, you'll be bored out of your mind. But as a crime procedural, it still holds water. Because, no matter what, it is still an incredible example of filmmaking from one of the medium's greatest auteurs. This is the first time I've rewatched the film since actually learning about the mechanics of the craft, and the symbolism and direction remain incredibly fascinating. 

The opening shot of Psycho is a bird's-eye-view of a cityscape, a setting I in no way associate with the film's small town vibe. But this sets up one of the film's heavy undercurrents of city slickers versus town dwellers and the associated class disparity. Marion is underpaid and overworked, but she still has the opportunity to jet off with thousands of dollars in her purse. Norman is the head of a struggling business abandoned by the highway, a symbol of the fast-moving modern lifestyle. He is trapped there by his circumstances (and his insanity) although he wishes to be free, as evidenced by his obsession with stuffing birds. 

He's jealous of the birds' ability to fly away and be free so he stuffs them and keeps them in his parlor, keeping them trapped just like himself. Just like he traps Marion in death. Also there's the whole bird of prey thing.

Two meanings in a symbol?! That's crazy talk.

Another thing I noticed this time around was Marion's propensity for ending up in bathrooms. When she's packing her bags to book it out of town, she is framed with her apartment's shower head looming over her. When she needs to exchange her car at a used car lot to avoid being followed, she goes to the Ladies' Room to hide the cash in her purse. Mind you, this was not a normal setting for action at the time. This was very very deliberate. We're conditioned to see her in the restroom so the shower scene will be that much more surprising when it finally comes along.

There's an abundance of things I haven't even mentioned, like the fact that Marion's bra changes color with her mood, but the shower scene is what really captured attention. No self-respecting review could get away with not mentioning it. But why has it become so iconic? What about it has so captured imaginations for over half a century?

First off, the attack in an intimate setting really got under people's skin. Janet Leigh herself watched the film and vowed then and there to never take a shower again. Second, the aforementioned premature murder of the woman who was presumably the protagonist. But the most memorable aspect of the scene has to be its rapid editing, with over 78 splices in 45 seconds. This cutting is of a completely different style of any other scene in the film, before or after. Because the scene's content was so jarring, so too was the style in which it was presented - much more evocative and kinetic than anything anyone had ever seen before.

It's time to bring in modern audiences again (I'm sorry, guys). Everybody has seen this scene. Babies have seen this scene. People expecting a movie just like this scene are going to be highly disappointed. Despite its thrills, and it actually is a masterful crime/police thriller, Psycho will rarely deliver upon the massive expectations heaped upon it. It's a darn shame considering the skill behind and in front of the camera. Psycho is a wonderful movie. The trick is approaching it from the proper perspective. And not even in that "it was good for the time it was made" way. It's still great today! It's just carrying way too much baggage for even the most perfect film in history to slough off.

One last thing: a word on Bernard Hermann's score - while everybody knows the screeching shower scene music, I feel that many are unaware that the entire film sounds like that. Even when Marion is driving down the street in her car in the rain, the orchestral score is shouting "CAR! CAR! SPOOKY CAR! MAYBE SOMEONE'S GONNA DIE! LOOK HOW WET AND SLICK THE ROADS ARE! WATCH OUT MARION!" I wouldn't say it detracts from the overall film in any real way, but it certainly dilutes the impact of the major scare scenes. When your score blares the alarm for everything from "BRA!" to "SANDWICHES!" it's hard to give any special attention to something like "TRANSVESTITE WITH A KNIFE!"

Let's look at Sam Loomis one last time before we go.

TL;DR: Psycho is a great, well-made thriller, but it suffers as a direct result of its massive reputation.

Rating: 8/10; and though I am loathe to give it such a relatively low score due to its cultural importance, part of my blog's mission statement is to assess entertainment value from a modern perspective. Ergo, 8.

Word Count: 2099

Reviews in This Series

Psycho (Hitchcock, 1960)

Psycho II (Franklin, 1983)

Psycho III (Perkins, 1986)

Psycho IV: The Beginning (Garris, 1990)

Soy Un Bombero

Year: 2007

Director: Jaume Balagueró & Paco Plaza

Cast: Manuela Velasco, Ferran Terraza, Pablo Rosso

Run Time: 1 hour 18 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

Now that Halloween is over, prepare for a flux of reviews of all the horror movies I saw during the week but never got a chance to review. I'm a little bummed I was too busy to do a super cool October blog event, but it turns out homework holds higher priority than writing about movies. Which is ironic, considering that my homework is writing about movies... 

I suppose it's time for me to review my number one favorite horror film (and favorite film in general), don't you? But first, to properly understand where I'm coming from, let me take you on a journey in time.

One bright afternoon, a couple months before graduation, Cassidy and I wanted to watch a movie. This happened rather frequently back then. When she suggested we put on Quarantine (her favorite movie at the time), I remembered something I'd read about that film being a remake of a Spanish film called [REC] and that maybe we should watch that one. In the interest of watching a movie that neither of us had previously seen, she agreed.

When we emerged from our cocoon of purple couch fabric 80 minutes later still shaking with residual fear and rendered speechless for a good two minutes, we knew our lives had been changed forever. This was in broad daylight, mind you.

Since that fateful day, I've seen it at least once every three months, usually to inflict it on some poor unsuspecting soul who was trying to be my friend. Unfortunately for them, any friend of mine has to pass the [REC] test.

So what was it about this film that has so thrilled and captivated me so much so that on a short weekend trip to visit Cassidy in Portland we used several of our precious hours to screen it again? What is it that keeps me coming back? What is it that made it land the number one spot on my list of all-time scariest movies? Why was half my Spring Break video quotes from this movie? 

I've mentioned this film in scores of posts that all have been leading up to this one moment of unveiling.

We'll see if I can rein this in to under a million words.

Buena suerte.

First, the basics. [REC] is a found footage film that came out in the same year as George Romero's found footage effort Diary of the Dead and one year before the film that would bring the genre to the mainstream again, J. J. Abrams' Cloverfield. Having come out before the massive flux of no budget direct-to-DVD handicam crap, [REC] was still able to bring a fresh take on a genre that has been beaten relentlessly and robbed of all potential in the last five years or so.

Shot on location in Barcelona, this film is entirely in Spanish, but don't let that deter you. The foreign language actually has the effect of enhancing the terrifying feeling of winding up in a situation that is far beyond your control. And it gives you a chance to learn useful Spanish phrases like "F*ck you," and "I've been bitten!"

The plot centers around Ángela Vidal, a small time news anchor (played by real life small time news anchor Manuela Velasco) who's working with her unseen cameraman Pablo (played by real life cinematographer Pablo Rosso) on a puff piece for a show called Mientras Usted Duermen (While You're Asleep). Her assignment is to shadow a pair of firefighters, Álex (David Vert) and Manu (Ferran Terraza) on their nightly rounds. Ángela longs to do something more exciting than sit around a dark fire station all night.

She gets her wish.

Ten cuidado con lo que deseas.

When the fire station gets a call to help an old woman who was heard screaming in her apartment, the goresome foursome trot on out to help her. As it turns out, the woman isn't exactly chomping at the bit to have intruders in her apartment. No, she'd much rather be chomping on the policeman's face and the situation quickly grows dire as the health department seals the buildings exits, quarantining Ángela, Pablo, the firemen, the police, and the neighbors in a cramped apartment building with an ever increasing horde of zombies.

Not just any zombies. These are adrenaline-fueled, three-minute-mile, Danny Boyle rage virus zombies and they are pissed. Civilians are knocked left and right like bowling pins as their futile attempts to escape devolve into merely finding a way to survive the night.

Watching [REC] for the first time is like presenting someone with a homemade flan - exotic and flavorful, but not quite as pristine as the picture on the recipe made it seem - and then mercilessly slamming their head into the tray over and over again until they pass out.

[REC] doesn't waste a single precious second of its brief runtime. Each high octane scene is brutally shoved into the next until, before you know it, it's over and you need to launder your Fruit of the Looms.

A visual representation of the human heart while watching [REC].

[REC] works like a charm on every level, not the least of which is avoiding the many pitfalls of the found footage genre. Please allow Italics to represent an annoying whiny complainer badmouthing found footage.

It's too shaky! I can't see anything!

The beauty of [REC] is that the character holding the camera is, in fact, a professional camera man. So while, yes, there are those unavoidable jerky moments that come with holding a recording device and running for dear life, but Pablo knows his mierda. He's used to shooting news, he could capture footage in the middle of a hurricane and it would turn out OK.

It's just an excuse to get away with having no budget! People can't make fun of the bad effects if they can't see them!

This is actually a pretty fair criticism of the genre, even giants of the form like The Blair Witch Project, a film in which absolutely nothing happens for 90 minutes. But the money that [REC] saves through its unique filming methodology goes right back on the screen with resolutely unimpeachable practical effects. 

It's all too staged and unbelievable!

OK, even I can't suss out why [REC] works so well in this regard, but even though I'm well aware it's a fictional film (unlike many audiences who went to see Blair Witch for the first time), I've never doubted the reality of the situation and characters (in context).

Why the hell would they keep filming during all that?

Without a doubt the biggest weapon against the found footage genre. One which [REC] brushes off like a dust mite. At first, Pablo is filming as a news photgrapher, capturing the human rights violations in progress as the government refuses to let the wounded leave the building. But when the more life-threatening mishaps occur, the camera is the only available light source. The built-in torch and eventually the night vision (shudder) are absolutely essential for survival, hence the continued recording.

Suck on that, found footage haters!

And while films in the genre tend to be cheap amateur productions intended to kick start a career or two, every single aspect of the film was wrought by an accomplished hand.

Let's start with the acting, shall we?

[REC]  lives and dies on the performance of its lead actress and the previously unknown Manuela Velasco throws herself bodily into her work. Her Ángela is driven and capable and utterly utterly awesome. She puts on a bubbly facade for her anchor work but when push comes to shove she is determined to come out on top. The first to sacrifice her stylish leather jacket for use as a tourniquet, she leaps into the fray with a battle cry that rattles the rafters. She's an adorable chipmunk cheeked cutie pie by day, but her claws come out in a fight.

Velasco's Ángela isn't all tough edges though. She has taken many a beating. She is shaken and tired and she just wants to get the hell out of here. She allows herself to be vulnerable when she's alone with Pablo, but when tensions rise her stress manifests itself with fiery Spanish pasión. She has flaws, she's only human. But her intrinsic humanity is what gives her a fighting chance.

Also she's gorg.

And when I say every aspect of [REC] is fantastic, I'm not just gonna let that hang there unsupported. I really do mean every aspect.

Setting: The Barcelona apartment building where the bulk of the movie takes place is cramped and claustrophobic. Before anything even remotely sinister happens, the building itself creates a sense of menace with its low ceilings and the staircase that twists into infinity.

It's not any better covered in zombies.

Also the opaque plastic sheets that seal  the building off allow for some really creative and creepy use of silhouette.

Characters: With such a punchy run time, [REC] can't spend too much time bogging itself down with character development so the residents of the building have pretty bare bones personalities. But if we didn't care about them at all, we would have no emotional impact at their deaths and subsequent zombification.

Walking that incredibly thin tightrope, the film manages the inconceivable feat of satisfyingly fleshing out an entire cast of characters in under five minutes. Each of the neighbors has a distinct personality that veers as far away from stereotype as possible. There's Mari Carmen (Maria Lanau), an entitled 21st century mother and her sweet young daughter Jennifer (Claudia Silva). There's a hilarious squabbling old couple (María Teresa Ortega and Manuel Bronchud), a Japanese family (it's utterly bizarre to watch a foreign film in which one of the characters can't completely speak the languages themselves), and a xenophobic gay man named César (Carlos Lasarte) who manages to actually not be offensive.

These characters provide some small measure of realistic comic relief for the horrors that are to follow.

And although there are some moments of Idiot Horror Movie behavior, those can be forgiven by the strength of their scare sequences and for the most part these people act exactly as any of us would when locked in a cramped apartment with bloodthirsty zombies. Namely, freaking the hell out.

Plot: [REC] isn't keen to waste time. The first ten minutes slowly ease the audience in, but that's all we get before the film turns into a sledgehammer of screaming terror. The horror is enhanced by the fact that almost nothing is known about the nature of the disease except that fact that it spreads through saliva. The unknown is always infinitely scarier than easily comprehensible evil and the creepy Catholic overtones provide more atmosphere than explanation.

Cinematography: As I explained earlier, the found footage angle is far from a gimmick. It has the effect of putting you directly in Pablo's eyes and makes the danger even more formidable because you know they can't just cut away to a different scene. This is all there is and it is absolutely mind-numbingly teeth-wrenchingly terrifying. Also, there are somehow scores of iconic shots that are beautifully framed and captured. In a handheld found footage movie! Geez, the Spaniards know what's up.

Sound Design: Oh, the sound design. The reason you should never ever watch the English dub. As an amateur sound worker myself, I have learned to appreciate the value of a stellar mix and [REC] manages to wring scares through audio alone. Most films fail to be scary even with awesome music, but this film turns everything up to eleven without a single note. The echoing roars from unknown floors, the mysterious underwater-sounding effect when the camera is struck by something will keep you rocking in your seat. And when it goes silent, it's even worse.

Gore: It is to [REC]'s benefit that the filmmakers couldn't afford massive explosions of gore. I've found that the most profoundly affecting gore scenes are the simplest. If it's small and intimate and believable, the audience sitting with you can feel it. I've sat through over a hundred slasher films and the most nauseating gore scene I've ever seen is still that part from Black Swan where Natalie Portman has a hangnail.

It just goes to show that subtlety in gore is the way to go if you want to strike fear into the hearts of teenagers. Over the top gore is for when you want to have a good time and [REC] is about as far from a good time as you can get. Tiny moments like a doctor's examination or a single bite to the face are absolutely harrowing.

And anything even remotely similar to this.

Having studied [REC] for quite some time now, I think I've narrowed down what makes it such a down and dirty scream machine. There are four ruthlessly effective ways the film ramps up the tension and the variability between them is what keeps you on your toes.

1) One thing changes slightly.

Pan away from the hall, then pan back and bam. That corpse is no longer lying peacefully on the ground.

I got out of bed for this?

This tactic is what made the first Paranormal Activity such a rousing success because there's nothing popping out at you and brazenly announcing its arrival, just minute shifts that get under your skin.

2) Nothing happens but you think it will.

As a horror audience, we have been trained to expect a certain thing when a character lingers in front of a doorway. Or a corpse is laid in front of the camera. When that thing doesn't happen, all that anticipation and tension that is built up doesn't dissipate the way it would if the corpse suddenly lept at you. It has no place to go but deep down into your gut.

This is also a way of training the audience not to know what's going to happen. It's kinda scary when something yells "BOO!" every single time you expect it to. It's light years scarier if you don't know when it's going to happen.

3) Something happens when you think it won't.

OK, this one seems a little obvious but let me explain. A lot of modern horror is built like a musical piece. You don't know exactly what's going to happen, but scare scenes are generally telegraphed - a pair of feet slowly climbs up the stairs or a door creaks open - and you know for sure you will be scared sometime in the next 45 seconds.

[REC] doesn't give a flying f*ck what you think is going to happen. Right in the middle of something innocuous, it bangs the gong, sending you flying.

4) You know it's gonna happen and you can't escape.

This is where that audience conditioning comes in to kick you in the nuts. When somebody slowly spins around, you know of course that something terrible is going to happen. And being trapped with that dread of the inevitability of fright pins you down like a rat in a cage. It is the sneakiest and most blisteringly effective trick [REC] has up its sleeve.

I'm starting to scare myself now.

Remember every other review of modern horror that I've written where I denounce a film's use of jump scares? Things that peek out and go boo? It's crass and it's cheap and it's not real horror. Yet [REC] has jump scares galore, so why should I proclaim it to the Heavens?

Well you see, hypothetical questioner, jump scares aren't intrinsically a bad thing. Halloween had them and if that's not a horror masterwork then I don't know what is. The beauty of this film is that it effortlessly marries a modern jump scare sensibility with hardcore body horror, viral terror, and just plain creepy unnatural monsters that leave a lasting impression once the adrenaline high has worn off (approximately a week after viewing).

[REC] is the best of all worlds. It has appeal for both the modern viewer and the more traditional fan of atmospheric horror. It is a low budget found footage flick with masters behind the camera. It is exotic, but not too deeply rooted in its culture to render it incomprehensible across the pond (I'm looking at you, J-Horror).

And that is why [REC] is my favorite movie.

Thank you and good night!

TL;DR: Honestly, if I could marry [REC], I would.

Rating: 10/10

Word Count: 2773
Reviews In This Series
[REC] (Balagueró & Plaza, 2007)
[REC] 4: Apocalipsis (Balagueró, 2015)