This'll Be The Day That I Pie

Year: 2012

Director: Jon Hurwitz & Hayden Schlossberg

Cast: Jason Biggs, Alyson Hannigan, Seann William Scott 

Run Time: 1 hour 53 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

Well, here we are. I may have skipped way ahead in our Seann William Scott marathon, but of course that was only a pretense to allow me to watch the American Pie movies again. So that brings us to American Reunion, the fourth and probably final film in the franchise, coming a long 9 years after American Wedding. Let’s see if this Pie has gotten stale.

Pro-tip: if a pie has been sitting on a windowsill for a decade, maybe don’t eat it.

In American Reunion, the denizens of East Great Falls return home for their not-quite ten year high school reunion. Jim (Jason Biggs) and Michelle (Alyson Hannigan) now have a two-year-old son; Oz (Chris Klein) is back from the dead and a B-list sportscaster/celebrity dance show contestant who’s dating sexy nymphette Mia (Katrina Bowden); Finch (Eddie Kaye Thomas) has arrived with an array of globetrotting tales; and Kevin (Thomas Ian Nicholas) is just happy to be included. They plan to spend a nice, quiet weekend catching up before the reunion. Enter Stifler (Seann William Scott). Frustrated by his job as a temp, he wants to have a wild, crazy weekend just like they did back in high school.

Thus our aged foursome is tempted away from their wives and boring jobs by various women and the rekindling of old flames. Oz and Kevin run into their exes Heather (Mena Suvari) and Terrible Vickie (Tara Reid), who is terrible, Finch woos band geek-cum-sexy barmaid Selena (Dania Ramirez), and Jim must resist the advances of Kara (Ali Cobrin), the lithe now-eighteen-year-old he used to babysit.

And thus they continue to act like they’ve never seen boobs before in their entire lives.

Remember that thing I said about the first American Pie where the women were actually fleshed-out, sexually autonomous characters? Well, apparently the law of diminishing returns also applies to quasi-feminism in raunchy movie franchises. The rule of thumb still holds true in that an American Pie film’s quality is directly proportional to the screentime of Alyson Hannigan’s Michelle, and Reunion takes after American Wedding in the misuse of that iconic character. Once again she is crammed into the role of “Wife,” the woman who must be kept unaware of the boys’ sexual misadventures, as if she wouldn’t have been right in there with them.

And frankly, most of the other female characters don’t even make sense. I get it when Terrible Vickie is terrible, because she’s terrible, but why the hell would Heather get mad upon seeing Oz macking on his live-in girlfriend? Why would Kara have any sexual interest in Jim (no offense, but c’mon), especially with such rapacious determination? And why does Michelle threaten to pack up and move in with her grandmother the second Jim commits a sexual misunderstanding, something that has become – like – a full time career for him at this point? I think this all boils down to the biggest problem with the later films in this franchise: These adults are still written like teenagers.

Obviously adults can get into sexual hijinks, probably even more so than your average high school student. But the motivations here are so childish and crudely motivated, they make way less sense when transplanted from the locker-filled halls of Long Beach Poly to a family cul de sac.

Yeah, I’m still not convinced that we’re in Michigan. Better luck next time, fellas. Oh wait…

At least American Reunion has reassembled its core cast (including cameos from Natasha Lyonne, Shannon Elizabeth, Chris Owen, and a slightly expanded part for a finally famous John Cho, who appeared in all 3 American Pies before hitting it big with Harold & Kumar), so it feels more like a legitimate continuation than the stunted Wedding. And you can rarely go wrong with Seann William Scott’s Stifler, the only character whose actions make any sense as he yearns for the glory days of his teen years. His mugging overreactions and faux charm still hold some juice, once again bringing most of the best laughs by the bucketful.

And American Reunion is funny. At least enough to justify its own existence. The bright colorful characters of the original film have become shabby and patched (especially Eugene Levy as Jim’s Dad, who they can not find a use for here, shoving him into a shopworn dress-up montage that stops the movie cold), but the situations they find themselves in are still reasonably diverting. And this is the first film in the entire dick-obsessed franchise to actually show a penis – if only for a second – so I applaud its audacity at the very least.

Unfortunately though, for the most part American Reunion is just a retread of the lackluster American Wedding (although there are fewer gay jokes, thank heavens), only with Neon Trees on the soundtrack instead of Sum 41. This one-two punch is good enough not to totally sink my esteem for the franchise (those first two are just too good), but I don’t think I’d mind if this was the last slice of Pie. There’s no reason to revisit these characters in their current, destitute state.

TL;DR: American Reunion is a decent years-later followup, though it copies the problems of its immediate predecessor.

Rating: 6/10

Word Count: 898
Reviews In This Series
American Pie (Weitz, 1999)
American Pie 2 (Rogers, 2001)
American Wedding (Dylan, 2003)
American Pie Presents: Band Camp (Rash, 2005)
American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile (Nussbaum, 2006)
American Pie Presents: Beta House (Waller, 2007)
American Pie Presents: The Book of Love (Putch, 2009)
American Reunion (Hurwitz & Schlossberg, 2012)

Drove My Chevy To The Levy

Year: 1999

Director: Paul Weitz

Cast: Jason Biggs, Chris Klein, Thomas Ian Nicholas

Run Time: 1 hour 35 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

Howdy, folks! Now that Harry Potter and Halloween are safely out of the way, it’s time to begin yet another vaguely defined Popcorn Culture marathon! That’s right, we’re pulling another topic out of left field and embarking on a mostly chronological journey through the cinematic oeuvre of one Seann William Scott, a comic actor who I actually really like and who deserves a closer look.

Mostly, I just want to see what the hell Bulletproof Monk is all about.

Today, we’ll join our dear SWS where his path first crossed with Hollywood: his feature film debut in 1999’s American Pie. The ne plus ultra of high school sex comedies, American Pie follows the exploits of hapless everyteen Jim (Jason Biggs) and his best buddies Kevin (Thomas Ian Nicholas), the blandest human being this side of Topher Grace, Finch (Eddie Kaye Thomas), a weirdo who fancies himself mature and sophisticated, and Oz(Chris Klein), a loveable lacrosse player/gentle giant.

After a raucous party in the home of their douchetastic friend Stifler (Sean W. Scott, as he is credited for the first and only time), they make a pact to lose their virginities by prom night, which is in three weeks’ time. Raunchy hijinks ensue as the boys set their sights on the girls who will hopefully help them become men: Jim on the naughty Eastern European exchange student Nadia (Shannon Elizabeth), Kevin on his terrible girlfriend Vickie (Tara Reid), Oz on lovely choir girl heather (Mena Suvari), and Finch on the school’s entire female population.

Get in line, ladies…

American Pie is The Odyssey for horny young men. Four high schoolers embark on a grand journey, have many incredible adventures, and arrive at their destination only to find that things have changes irrevocably, in their world and within themselves. Only instead of retrieving golden fleeces, they’re having sex with pies and live-streaming girls changing on a late-90’s webcam that really isn’t that much worse than Skype today. But I digress. What I’m saying is that American Pie has a vignette-driven plot that all services the higher throughline of young men realizing that the vaginas they so desperately want to have sex with are attached to women, and maybe those women are more valuable and interesting than they’re giving them credit for.

Now, I’m not saying American Pie is a feminist tract. The character of Nadia is a soulless automaton/breast dispensary that obliterates that idea like an A-bomb.

Although it’s more like a double-D bomb, am I right fellas? High five!

The story is only ever in service to the thoughts and desires of the young men at the center, but it must be said that a lot of the female characters are uncommonly fleshed-out for this kind of film, especially Heather, Vickie, and Vickie’s BFF Jessica (Natasha Lyonne). They’re not depicted as Rubik’s cubes that need to be solved in order to unlock access to boobs, they’re actual characters, even if they still mostly fit into teen movie archetypes. And Alyson Hannigan’s band geek Michelle’s rapacious sexuality is used as a shock gag here, but it eventually becomes a part of a layered, fairly realistic female high school character as the franchise goes on.

And that’s one of the things about American Pie that makes it so remarkable. Its characters are actually recognizable high schoolers. They’re not fast-talking, hyperintelligent Kevin Williamson creations. And they’re not airbrushed 90210 studs and vixens. They’re awkward, sweaty horndogs that quote nerdy kung fu movies and who want to be adults, but aren’t quite sure exactly what that means. Even Oz, as a jock, is a fumbling, insecure young man still growing into his body and his athleticism. These characters feel like real people you’d see in the halls by your locker, and that’s why their exploits are so captivating. They’re grounded in reality so they’re allowed to go absolutely bugnuts with the sexual misadventures.

Also, Michelle is possibly the best character in cinema history.

But I’ve spent so long diving deep into analysis, I bet you’ve almost forgotten this is a movie about dick jokes. Very good dick jokes, but still. American Pie is a movie that has a comical reaction shot from a monkey, so it’s not exactly Kurosawa. Another reason the jokes and situations land so well is that they’re delivered by some truly committed actors (other than Thomas Ian Nicholas, who seems to be in a perpetual daze, pretty much everybody else is bringing their A-game) like Eugene Levy, who is superb as Jim’s awkward father who attempts to appear sexually open while simultaneously maintaining his buttoned-up Ward Cleaver image.

And I suppose I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Seann William Scott in this marathon dedicated to him. Stifler is only ever a one-note character, but his sideline status allows SWS to go cartoonishly big and have a lot of fun. This was his first feature film outing, so the performance is a little rough around the edges, but you can already feel his confidence and charisma bursting through the screen.

Bottom line, I like American Pie a lot. But on this viewing, I couldn’t help but notice the seams of its low budget. First off, the movie’s title looks like it was slapped on in Windows Movie Maker, but there are also a handful of scenes that are a little underlit or otherwise technically flawed. But beyond that, it’s just a delightful teen comedy that I adore from the bottom of my heart.

TL;DR: American Pie is a delightful, reasonably realistic, raunchy teen comedy.

Rating: 8/10

Word Count: 948

Reviews In This Series

American Pie (Weitz, 1999)

American Pie 2 (Rogers, 2001)

American Wedding (Dylan, 2003)

American Pie Presents: Band Camp (Rash, 2005)

American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile (Nussbaum, 2006)

American Pie Presents: Beta House (Waller, 2007)

American Pie Presents: The Book of Love (Putch, 2009)

American Reunion (Hurwitz & Schlossberg, 2012)

And The Oscar Goes To...

Year: 1998

Director: Jamie Blanks

Cast: Jared Leto, Alicia Witt, Rebecca Gayheart

Run Time: 1 hour 39 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

For the entirety of Urban Legend, all I could think about was how the pretty-boy teen star in front of me has been nominated for Best Supporting Actor at the Academy Awards tonight.

He was unfortunately snubbed for Best Actor in 1998.

I've been missing the slasher genre after a personal drought that feels like a hundred years. I haven't seen a solid slice 'n dice since the first week of January and I was really feeling it. I know that might be hard to understand, but for me slasher movies are the equivalent of Vitamin D. You don't need it every day but if you go without it too long you start to get pale and shaky.

Luckily my reintroduction to the genre came in such a perfectly crappy 90's package.

Remember when Scream happened? And suddenly every slasher film had to have a postmodern meta script? Well, most of those were written by Kevin Williamson who admittedly wasn't the most skilled screenwriter in the world. But Urban Legend is one of the first Williamson-style slashers to be produced without so much as a sidelong glance from the man himself and the absence is striking.

Replacing the "we are living a slasher movie" idea from Scream with "we are living an urban legend" sounds like an interesting idea at first, but the filmmakers don't seem to realize that what they're satirizing isn't actually a legitimate storytelling technique with more generic principles than "this totally happened to a friend of a friend."

Although I do know several people who succumbed to Didn't Check the Back Seat-itis.

But nevertheless the sassy self-aware teens are back, this time led by Parker Riley (Michael Rosenbaum), a douchey frat boy who's planning a party to celebrate the 25th anniversary of a mythical dorm massacre on campus (aka Randy). 

His sassy self-aware friends include Paul (Jared Leto), an intrepid student reporter who doesn't let pesky ethics get in the way of a good story aka Gale Weathers; Damon (Joshua Jackson), the douchey prankster aka Stu; Sasha (Tara Reid back when she was making theatrical releases - remember that?), a college radio host and slut about town aka Tatum; Brenda Bates (Rebecca Gayhart) the perky girl with huge eyes and an equally huge crush on Paul aka... Rebecca Gayheart in Scream 2; and her best friend Natalie Simon (Alicia Witt), the innocent heroine aka Sidney Prescott but with less personality traits.

It's telling as to the film's overall quality that Tara Reid is actually a better actress than Alicia Witt.

Luckily there's two sturdy genre mainstays on hand in the form of Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger) and Danielle Harris (eternal Halloween Final Girl) to class up the proceedings a little bit.

Like they needed to.

Basically what happens is they all wander around their Hogwarts-sized campus and get killed in a variety of ways, all inspired by various urban legends. In between killings, there's pop culture references that range from obnoxious but fun (Joshua Jackson's car plays the Dawson's Creek theme song) to actually quite sweet (the resident security guard (Loretta Devine) is inspired to greatness by Foxy Brown).

And although nearly every single plot point is either predictable (Sergio guessed the killer about halfway through the film - faster than yours truly even! Cheers to Sergio.) or unfathomably dumb (the Final Girl has an urban legend-related backstory, the killer gives a Motive Powerpoint Presentation), the gore is nearly nonexistent, and the acting is bargain basement quality, it's a wonderful trip to the depths of the mid-90's postmodern horror period.

It's dumb, it's campy, people die, and everybody has a good time. The middle tends to drag, but it's an exciting look into the mechanics of the genre.

A quick discussion about the ending: Highlight for spoilers [REBECCA GAYHEART IS THE KILLER. Who knew? I figured it wouldn't be a woman because I'd have heard about it before now but no! It is! I mean her motive is basically "I want to bone Jared Leto" but who doesn't? As far as I'm concerned, that's a pretty solid reason to do anything. Anyway, female killers are a rarity and I always appreciate a break from formula. Thank you, dumb movie, for not being as dumb as I thought you would be!]

You'd be surprised what you can hide underneath a bulky coat.

I wouldn't really suggest this film to anybody either older or younger than myself, but this is the perfect nostalgic visit to the decade in which I grew up. Also Jared Leto. Who is the reason I wrote this in the first place. (Coming full circle, guys!)

Here's where it gets deep. Although Leto started out as a forgettable teen star in dumb post-Williamson slasher films, he is now up for one of the most prestigious awards in Hollywood. It's a testament to practice, hard work, and never demeaning where you are now. You might think you suck, or that your job is too menial or beneath you. 

But never forget that this is where you come from. Once you get there, you'll realize that where you are now was essential training in getting where you want to be. You can rise above your current status, you just have to keep chugging. 

Then, one day, you will be as pretty as Jared Leto.

Killer: [Brenda Bates (Rebecca Gayheart)]

Final Girl: Natalie Simon (Alicia Witt)

Best Kill: Dean Adams (John Neville) gets his ankles slashed like one of my favorite urban legends and then is impaled on those "DO NOT ENTER" car spikes, thereby proving my fears about those things are legitimate.

Sign of the Times: Every frame of every second owes its entire existence to the Kevin Williamson Dynasty.

Scariest Moment: The opening scene - always check the back seat. And never listen to "Total Eclipse of the Heart" when the phrase "Turn around" is ironic.

Weirdest Moment: Tara Reid fellates a microphone to illustrate her point - but she's hosting a radio show so nobody can see it.

Champion Dialogue: "He's most likely shacked up in some motel with a girl. Or a guy... Farm animal... Whatever!"

Body Count: 9; also a dog.

1. Michelle is beheaded with a battle axe from the backseat of her car.
2. Damon is hung from a tree and dropped onto a car windshield.
3. Tosh is strangled and has her wrists cut.
4. Dean's heel is slit and then he's run over by a car and impaled on tire spikes.
5. Parker is force fed pop rocks and drain cleaner.
6. Radio Man is strangled.
7. Sasha is stabbed and beheaded.
8. Professor Wexler is stabbed to death.
9. Creepy Janitor dies in a car crash. 

TL;DR: Urban Legend is a dumb postmodern slasher movie, but it's just what I needed after a long drought.

Rating: 7/10

Word Count:1150

"Oh Crap. Look At All Those Sharks!"

Year: 2013
Director: Anthony C. Ferrante
Cast: Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, John Heard
Run Time: 1 hour 26 minutes
FCC Rating: TV-14

What hasn't been said about Sharknado?

And what needs to be said about Sharknado?

It's a tornado of sharks.

Watch it. Duh.

TL;DR: Sharks!
Rating: ∞/10
Should I Spend Money On This? You don't have to!
Word Count: 59