Census Bloodbath: Snake Charmer

Note: The 1988 slasher Kiss of the Serpent: Snake Island, which was produced and set in Florida, was apparently never released in the United States. However, it was released on video in at least two major overseas markets, one of which (West Germany) provides the only available poster artwork, and the other of which (South Korea) provides the only available English-language copy, which naturally comes with Korean subtitles.

Oh, and the South Korean VHS doesn't have a proper poster. Instead, the title is printed on top of the poster for the 1986 Italian slasher Body Count. 

Anyway, for obvious reasons, information about Kiss of the Serpent is murky at best. Although five cast members are listed on IMDb, their characters are not. So I will unfortunately not be able to properly credit any of the many, many, many actors who appear in this film. But honestly, I'm lucky I was even able to watch it in the first place.

Year:
1988
Director:
James Ingrassia
Cast:
Chris Moore, Jeff Greenman, Murray McDougall
Run Time:
1 hour 31 minutes

Plot: Kiss of the Serpent: Snake Island follows a group of young Floridians who accidentally set the Reptile World Serpentarium (a real place in Osceola County, apparently) on fire while getting a little rowdy with stolen fireworks on the Fourth of July, killing resident herpetologist Dr. Whelan and his wife and daughter, but not his son, Michael. Exactly eight years later, a boat accident brings their horny vacation to an abrupt end and leaves them stranded on an island full of snakes, where Michael is cursed to kill them one by one as revenge for angering the snake spirits (there's a lot of racist stuff about indigenous people mixed up in the backstory) all those years ago, lest he be transformed into a snake-human hybrid. 

Specifically, the grown-up Michael (who has taken on a new identity that is pretty obvious, but is ultimately treated as a reveal, so I won't spoil it until later) is tasked with killing nine specific people, which makes the actual body count of the movie kind of confusing. But there's not a lot about Kiss of the Serpent that makes a whole lot of sense in the first place, so you learn to roll with the punches.

A few people are killed on land before they set sail, but they don't matter, so let's Meet the Meat that made it to the boat: wannabe rock star Chris and his girlfriend Kim (who was present at the arson but didn't approve of it, thus marking her as our Final Girl); Kim's recently cheated-on friend Tammy and her love interest, the boat's horndog captain, Steve; bland horny couples Debbie and Jeff and Robin and Scott; tragic singleton Jennifer; and Alan, who is fat and therefore disgusting (to the point that they layer fart sound effects beneath his dialogue at least twice).

Oh, also there are two cops slowly investigating the murders, one of whom is also named Steve. Figure that out.

Analysis: Kiss of the Serpent: Snake Island is so obscure that it was first brought to my attention just a few days ago. Given its title and poster, I assumed it was either an edge case or completely mislabeled as a slasher. So imagine my surprise when this is not only a true slasher, but a slasher so devoted to the old-school formula that it probably would have already felt like a throwback in 1988.

We're talking a group of nubile young men and women being picked off one by one in an isolated location on the anniversary of hijinks got wrong, and they've even thrown a holiday setting into the bargain. Honestly, watching it was like stepping into a warm bath.

It's also so deeply 1980s that it makes your teeth itch, which is a huge compliment in my book. This includes synth music, women protecting their giant hair with headbands while they work out, and basically everything else about anything the characters say, do, or wear. 

That's not to say that it's a good movie. A lot of what's going on in Kiss of the Serpent is cheap and/or inept, particularly the acting. The screenplay leaves a lot to be desired, too. In addition to being racist, it's not very focused. For instance, the kills are doled out at a wildly uneven pace. Oh, and Kim vanishes for huge stretches, leaving Tammy and Steve to scramble to figure out how to fill time when they're suddenly called upon to be the protagonists. And the way it's shot is extraordinarily aesthetic-free. The closest that Kiss of the Serpent gets to atmosphere is the looming shadow cast by the boom mic in multiple scenes.

However, there is more to the movie on top of simply being "from the 1980s" and "a slasher." Even though it is both of those things with aplomb, I think we can concede that those are kind of the bare minimum requirements for a Census Bloodbath title. But it's also a kooky-ass roller coaster ride. 

The addition of the bizarre snake motif really adds a lot of texture, and the effects involved in bringing the snake man to life are often hilariously bad but sometimes genuinely grotesque and affecting. The kills are also creative, even if they're not particularly well executed. They're never quite the same twice, using a variety of snake-themed weapons, and sometimes just straight-up snakes. 

Plus, for what it's worth (and in exploitation, it's worth a lot), the cast is wall-to-wall hotties. The men are all sexy and sleazy in a perfectly 1980s way, and I'm sure the women are hot, too. They sure do take their tops off a lot, so clearly somebody thought so. All in all, I had a pretty terrific time with Kiss of the Serpent. It's far from a hidden classic, but it's got that regional slasher charm in spades.

Killer: Chris

Final Girl: Kim

Best Kill: Chekhov's Crossbow That Shoots Venomous, Snake-Shaped Arrows is used to excellent effect on Scott's chest and eyeball.

Sign of the Times: Everything is so desperately 1988 that even the long-abandoned Snake Island house has a zebra-print accent wall.

Scariest Moment: A group of drunk partiers picks their way across the shore, singing "99 Bottles of Beer" while Robin's corpse floats in the foreground, unnoticed by any of them.

Weirdest Moment: Who could possibly choose? I'm going to opt for the dream sequence(?) where one of the gals sees the shape of a serpent bulging out from the skin on her lower torso, only to become distracted by the fact that she has breasts, which is a shocking development that she and the camera investigate thoroughly.

Champion Dialogue: “He's definitely first place winner of the Mr. Self-Impressed Jerk of the Universe award."

Body Count: 13 (including Dr. Whelan's wife and daughter, who are mentioned in a news report about the blaze but are never, ever, not once shown on screen or otherwise implied to exist in any way. And do they live at the Serpentarium? Why were they there after hours on the Fourth of July?)

1. Dr. Whalen,
2. Mrs. Whalen,
3. and Daughter Whalen die in the Serpentarium fire.
4. Tracy is held out of frame in what looks like a strangulation that causes blood to splatter, which is later described as having her "throat severed."
5. John is stabbed in the neck with a glove shaped like the head of the snake, but with blades instead of fangs, but the blades are still venomous.
6. Lisa is stabbed with the snake glove thing while in the shower.
7. Robin is drowned.
8. Scott is shot with venomous snake-shaped arrows in the chest and eye.
9. Jennifer is hit in the head with a shovel, buried up to her neck, and lit on fire.
10. Alan is bitten by multiple snakes while tied to a post.
11. Jeff is bitten by a snake offscreen.
12. Debbie is slashed in the face by the snake glove thing.
13. Snake Chris is shot in head by the police captain.

TL;DR: Kiss of the Serpent: Snake Island is a hoot and a half, blending the classic slasher formula with plenty of low-budget Floridian weirdness.

Rating: 6/10