Census Bloodbath: If You Can't Beat 'Em, Golem

Year:
1988
Director:
Andy Milligan
Cast:
David Homb, Carrie Anita, Hal Borske
Run Time:
1 hour 32 minutes

Plot: After his girlfriend Ronnie (Audra Marie Ribeiro) is sexually assaulted and killed by punk gang leader Clay Cole (Tommy Voager), Mark (David Homb) recruits his friends - religion student Carlos (Joe Balogh, who had a brief but robust career that saw him land roles in slashers including this, Hollywood's New Blood, Moonstalker, and Hitcher in the Dark) and med student Scott (Michael Lunsford of Surgikill) - to create a Frankensteinian golem with a gorilla arm and a red afro wig who can enact violent revenge on their behalf.

Once the creature, Frankie (Hal Borske) is born, all he wants to do is to play with his stuffed animals and hang out with his new girlfriend Jaimie (Carrie Anita), who falls for him after he rescues her from the gang. Disagreements over whether Frankie should embrace his gentle nature or continue pursuing vigilante justice around Hollywood eventually tear the foursome apart, with deadly results.

Analysis: Monstrosity is Census Bloodbath's first of three encounters with writer-director Andy Milligan, who is - in a word - complicated. First off, he was allegedly a mentally ill misogynist who abused his actors in a variety of ways. The small amount of overlap between the casts of his late 1980s slashers (this, Surgikill, and The Weirdo) would likely speak to that tendency. 

He was also one of the only queer directors to have taken part in the 1980s slasher boom (I'm sure there are more, but the only one that comes to mind right now is Dreamaniac's own David DeCoteau). Being gay doesn't excuse bad behavior. Nor does making charming, handcrafted oddball movies. I'm not trying to excuse the late, maybe-not-so-lamented filmmaker, but he's one of the most colorful auteurs we're going to be encountering in this project, and his life and work are certainly intriguing as historical objects, now that they're far enough in the rearview mirror.

All this to say, I liked Monstrosity quite a bit, in spite of its many, many many flaws. For instance, the amateurish acting. There's at least one thing that goes wrong in each scene, including, but not limited to, actors forgetting which characters have which names, people jumping on each other's lines, and actors delivering pages of dialogue in shrill, high-pitched whines. When more than one of these flaws appears in a single scene, things get pretty dire.

The score is also atrocious. First, there's the noodly electric guitar music that made me long for the peace and serenity of standing next to a jackhammer without ear protection. That never comes back after the opening credits, thankfully, but what follows is a blisteringly repetitive synth riff that makes up in quantity what the credits music lacked in quality.

The script is also a total mess. Even by the beginning of the third act, I couldn't begin to tell you who the protagonist of the movie was, or what the tone was supposed to be. However, the bulging grab bag of tones and characters is part of what makes Monstrosity so special. 

Is it a sleazy B-movie? Yes. Is it a broad comedy? Also yes (this movie literally has a joke where one character says "you can say that again," and the other character says it again). Is it a gruesome mad science parable? Yes. Is it a slasher? More often than you think it's going to be. Is it a romance? Yes, and it might even be a great one.

The twisted relationship between Frankie and Jaimie (which includes a glorious grossout moment where the stitches on his head begin spurting blood onto her face when they're kissing) thrums with tenderness, and the ways in which both characters are childlike and radically accepting makes them a weirdly perfect pair.

Another genuinely good component of Monstrosity is its special effects, which look significantly better than I would have ever expected from a low-budget exercise from the late 1980s.

On top of that, many of the film's incompetent elements end up in the "pro" column, anyway. For instance, there is something so adorable about the fact that Monstrosity can never quite get the hang of how slasher kills are supposed to work. The bottom of an axe is jammed into a guy's head in one memorable moment, but the best use of said axe is when Frankie uses the blunt end of it to hammer a nail into one helpless victim's forehead. Instead of just, you know, axing him in the face.

It's a weird fucking flick, is what I'm saying. Monstrosity is a movie that somehow contains a recurring gag about a Care Bears clock, a guardian angel, three besties bro-ing out about the idea of creating a golem, and a heaping helping of genuine slasher movie body count kills (even though it has far too many killers perpetrating them for it to be a particularly formulaic slasher). I had a good time, what can I say?

Killer: Cole & The Gang, but also Frankie (Hal Borske) and - briefly - Scott (Michael Lunsford)

Final Girl: I guess maybe Carlos (Joe Balogh)

Best Kill: Ronnie's death, which involves Clay Cole dressing as a doctor and removing her intestines in shocking both in its Herschell Gordon Lewis brutality and the fact that nobody in the busy hospital noticed it was happening.

Sign of the Times: There's a LOT to choose from, but I'm picking Jaimie's whole vibe, because I'm pretty sure Rainbow Brite is all over her look book.

Scariest Moment: Ronnie's sexual assault is brought to life with some of the most competent acting in the movie, so it's sleazy in a genuinely unsettling (and unwelcome) way.

Weirdest Moment: Carlos comforts Frankie by grabbing him and holding on and holding on and holding on, to the point that I thought they were going to kiss.

Champion Dialogue: “My wife used to talk after we'd done it. It used to drive me up a wall. It's one of the reasons why we divorced."

Body Count: 13

1. Michael has the side of his neck slashed by Cole & The Gang.
2. Ronnie has her abdomen carved up with a scalpel and her guts pulled out by Clay Cole.
3. Candy has his throat slit by Cole & The Gang.
4. K.C.'s Girlfriend dies from boob exposure (I'm no mortician, but her shirt is ripped open and then she dies, so what else am I supposed to assume?).
5. K.C. is run over with a car by Cole & The Gang.
6. Clay Cole has his hand cleavered off among other offscreen violence perpetrated by Frankie.
7. Kyle has his throat clawed and has a nail hammered into his forehead with an axe by Frankie.
8. Savage is cleavered to death by Frankie.
9. Mugger has the bottom of an axe embedded in the top of his head by Frankie.
10. Drug Dealer has his throat ripped out by Frankie.
11. Jaimie dies by injecting poisoned crystal meth given to her by Scott.
12. Scott is shot by Frankie.
13. Matt is shot by Frankie.

TL;DR: Monstrosity is a weird, uneven, but surprisingly charming B-movie.

Rating: 7/10