Monday, December 31, 2018

2018 Flashback: TV & Music

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TELEVISION

Top Ten Episodes of 2018

#10 "First Date to Life Mate" Nailed It



Nailed It is a baking show that lovingly embraces the capacity for failure that we all possess, and that isn't limited to the contestants completely missing the mark on complicated desserts. This episode, the very first of the series, finds its secret weapon in guest judge Sylvia Weinstock, who at one point wanders off the set into the kitchen and ends up stealing some baking supplies. It's a hilarious moment, but it's also indicative of the show's embrace of chaos. It blows up the glossy sheen of most cooking shows and gives us something messy, human, and utterly delightful.

#9 "The Queen of England" Santa Clarita Diet




Santa Clarita Diet is already an acquired taste, but this episode goes places with its special effects-laden grossout humor that prove it only intends on doubling down. It's a very special show and I'm glad it is planting itself firmly in its niche and living its best life.

#8 "Ready-Like" Insecure



Insecure is like settling into a warm bath, embracing you with the chillest hip hop rhythms and the awkward but delightful terrible decisions of its main cast. This episode is the closest this hangout show gets to a farce, where roiling tensions come out while the entire extended cast is gathered at a baby shower. It simultaneously deepens some side characters who've been needing some love, and gives us a lot of meaty moments with our stars, hilarious and heart-wrenching in equal measure.

#7 "The Trial of Sabrina Spellman" The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina



The third episode in Netflix's Sabrina reboot, "The Trial of Sabrina Spellman" lays out the show's thesis: It's going to be f**king weird. While it has its rough patches, it certainly commits to being a show unlike anything you've ever seen before, especially in this episode where it abruptly becomes a thrilling legal drama for an hour.

#6 "Time's Up for the Gang" It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia



It's not exactly easy to spin good comedy out of the Me Too moment, but It's Always Sunny has never shied away from the taboo. And thank goodness we have them to provide some levity in this particularly dark time, because this rip-roaring episode set at a sexual harassment seminar not only provides us some unforgettable snappy dialogue and physical comedy, it doesn't let any of its characters off the hook, one of the show's best qualities.

#5 "Janet(s)" The Good Place



In this episode, for plot reasons I shan't go into, The Good Place lets its secret weapon D'Arcy Carden loose and pulls out all the stops in terms of effects, writing, and performance, three aspects of the show that were already stellar to begin with. It's definitely a showstopper, asking D'Arcy to play almost every character in the entire episode, and she pulls it off with aplomb.

#4 "I'm Not the Person I Used to Be" Crazy Ex-Girlfriend



The first few episodes of the fourth and final season of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend seemed to be spinning its wheels a bit, putting the pieces back on the board for that last push, but this one really pulled out all the stops and made me way more confident in what's to come. It uses the recasting of a returning character as a metanarrative device that holds the entire episode together, tying in with its theme of growing up and changing as a person, and providing us with plenty of the show's patented fourth wall breaking. Plus, a hilarious song about trying to rekindle a friendship after a rough breakup that goes down so smooth.

#3 "Dark Side of the Boob/Smooch or Share" Big Mouth



I guess I like big farcical episodes that gather the entire cast in one location, but what can I say? I know what I want. This double episode of Big Mouth sees a schoolwide stargazing sleepover devolve into a hideous display of hormonal agony and ecstasy. It tosses a lot of characters together that haven't had much chance to interact before, it finally deepens the one-note Sassy Gay Guy, it does well by its female characters and their sexuality, and it's surprisingly sentimental throughout despite being unbelievably disgusting.

#2 "Chapter Eight: Know Your Truth" Barry



Barry was always adept at switching gears between high-stakes drama and belly laugh comedy, but the finale of this first season was especially stunning. Obviously I won't go into detail, but it walks the tightrope with quiet magnificence.

#1 "Mother of All Matches" GLOW



Damn it, GLOW, you got me again. This episode, which focuses on a member of the ensemble who hasn't gotten too much solo time before now, really grapples with just how exploitative and crass the show-within-a-show they're producing is. Kia Stevens shines as a woman who is torn between finding a community of women who support and uplift her, while racially debasing herself on national television. It's a stunning piece of work that insists upon being watched again and again.

Bottom Five Episodes of 2018

#5 "The Witching Hour" The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina



I do like Sabrina a lot, but it has a protagonist problem just like Riverdale. Towards the end of the first season, Sabrina starts to make a lot of questionable decisions that go against character and make her a dramatic dud. The finale compounds this by reversing her most important decision of the series for a reason so transparently contrived that it makes her look like a drooling idiot.

#4 "Party Monster" Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt



Right in the middle of an agonizingly short six-episode season, in which Kimmy Schmidt is finding itself at its most focused and hilarious, they take a detour into an entire mockumentary episode focusing on characters we've barely seen before and couldn't possibly care about. I'd probably be less upset if this wasn't taking up one precious slot in such a tiny sliver of a release, but it's still a weak one any way you slice it.

#3 "Everyone Gets Atrophy" Arrested Development



Arrested Development has finally overstayed its welcome, and this awkward attempt at a farce is too wordy, crammed with nonsense and humor that clangs right off the screen. They've made a huge mistake.

#2 "Sojourn" American Horror Story: Apocalypse



You'd think there couldn't be a worse sing than asking Billy Eichner and Evan Peters to play tech bros and put on those wigs that should be classified as a capital crime, but this episode - which is just two before the finale of the entire season - slams the brakes on the plot, which has already been happening in fits and starts to begin with. We're forced to spend an entire hour with Langdon, a character who is a completely whiny and unlikeable villain. Pro tip: If you want us to care about an episode of American Horror Story, don't sequester us from every single one of the awesome actresses who are the only reason to watch the show.

#1 "Pilot" God Friended Me



The emotional depth of this show is such that a man who had his girlfriend break up with him will immediately attempt to hurl himself in front of a train. Also, it's 2018. How are we not over "nerdy dude tells lies and puffs out his chest to impress the cute girl" humor? Cliché after cliché spills out of this bizarrely convoluted plot, treating its religious overtones with all the subtlety and earnestness of an episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

Best New Show: La Casa de las Flores



All of the best satires are also great examples of the genre they're poking fun at, and Casa de las Flores (AKA House of Flowers, for the gringos in the audience) is great at everything it does. I know I have a separate category for "Best Netflix Show" below, but this Netflix original is superior to anything else on TV this year. Blowing up the typical telenovela format with a modern twist including a heaping helping of well-rounded queer characters and a delightful sense of colorful melodrama that would make Almodóvar proud, La Casa de las Flores tells the story of a wealthy Mexican family whose secrets tumble out after a tragic event occurs right in their showroom. The twists and turns will snap your neck, the characters will glue you to the screen, and the style will keep you satisfied all the way through.

Worst New Show: God Friended Me



I want a show with a diverse cast and a high concept to succeed, with all my heart. But maybe just not this one. This show feels like an archeologist dug up a relic from 2008, what with its frightfully insistent focus on Facebook as the center of a young twenty-something's life, and an formulaic, almost procedural approach that does not work in today's current TV climate.

Best Netflix Show: Big Mouth



Big Mouth is basically genius. I love me a work that doesn't shy away from the truth about teen sexuality. It exists, in spades, and it's not Gossip Girl flowing curtain nonsense. It's gross, it's awkward, it's gross, it's fumbling, and did I mention it's gross? Big Mouth takes vulgarity to the next level, but it's in service of a narrative that's unabashedly true, genuine and vulnerable at the same time as being bitingly hilarious.

Worst Netflix Show: Arrested Development



I love me some Arrested Development, to the point of even sticking all the way through the mediocre fourth season, which I can still freely quote. But even though this new batch only contained eight half hour episodes, I couldn't summon the strength to trudge through this cluttered, unfunny collection of random shards of good actors flailing at green screens.

Best Dramatic Actor: Y'lan Noel, Insecure



His character Daniel got a much bigger arc this season, and he owned the hell out of it. This selection is almost entirely due to his pitch perfect performance of fumbling a potential career connection, a relatable moment that is truly crushing thanks to his vulnerability and honesty.

Best Comedic Actor: Anthony Carrigan, Barry



It's already funny that a mob henchman is such a charming, accommodating gent, but Anthony Carrigan takes what's on paper and amps it up by a dozen degrees with oddball line readings and little minute physical quirks that force you to pause the show while you are wracked with peals of laughter.

Best Dramatic Actress: Miranda Otto, The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina



The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina has its ups and downs, but it's always up when Aunt Zelda is onscreen. Miranda Otto takes the role of an ice cold witch bitch in her teeth and tears it to shreds, chewing through the scenery like a wood chipper. She pitches her performance to the rafters without sacrificing one ounce of credibility, earning her place in the vampy queen pantheon until the end of time.

Best Comedic Actress: Paula Newsome, Barry



Barry really gathered a tremendous ensemble, and Newsome stands out above them all by kicking you straight in the gut with line readings as simple as answering the phone with a drawn out "Hiiii," but she can spin on a dime into deep, believable emotion and she tackles her more serious moments - as well as her fair share of action scenes - with equal aplomb. Make her a superstar immediately, please and thank you.

Best SNL Sketch: "GE Big Boys"


SNL's skewering of unnecessarily gendered products is another pitch perfect commercial parody, building on the core joke and ratcheting up the absurdity every chance it gets without ever running out of delightful, almost believable ideas.

Worst SNL Sketch: "Charlie's Grandparents"


I get it. They probably had sex in the bed. But this is barely a one-liner, let alone a three minute sketch.

Best Musical Performance: Mac's Dance, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia



It's Always Sunny has always taken risks with its formatting, but delivering a four minute interpretive dance in their season finale was not one I could say I expected. However, they thrive in the unexpected, and this dance is pretty damn superb.

Worst Musical Performance: "Gypsy", American Horror Story: Apocalypse



Stevie Nicks was a fun offbeat cameo back in season 3, but dredging her back up in this season only stalled the momentum of a season that had barely found its footing to begin with.

Best Guest Star: Stephen Merchant, The Good Place



The Good Place
 loves jokes about representing the machinations of the afterlife as mundane office work, and Stephen Merchant is nothing if not adept at mundane office humor. He plays one of the most powerful beings in the universe as a dorky accountant, and it's almost unfairly hilarious. Like, leave some humor for the rest of us.

Worst Guest Star: Angela Bassett, American Horror Story: Apocalypse



Why would you invite Angela Bassett to play in this sandbox with a bunch of actresses gnawing on over-the-top dialogue if you don't want her to do literally anything? That's literally her biggest strength!

Best Commercial: "Zelle"


Daveed Diggs is obviously a huge talent, and his charisma carries the commercial a mile, but I also love the insular universe they've created here. It's very stagebound, but in a way that reminds one of Sesame Street or Little Shop of Horrors, using its obvious famines to drive a kooky, pastel-colored narrative that strives at every corner to bring you joy.

Worst Commercial: "The Unseen | It Can Wait"


Pedantic PSAs have been pretty universally terrible since the invention of the camera, but this one is truly bizarre, spinning a texting and driving moral into a bizarre, horribly misguided Scary Story to Tell in the Dark.

Top Five Pretty Guys

#5 Mac (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia)


This one is so low because Rob McElhenney specifically made his body look so bangin' as a comment on male objectification (he also gained a lot of weight for a previous season, to make a similar point). While I obviously respect his decisions, I also respect how dang cut he was able to make himself. Nice work, dude.

#4 Oliver Jackson-Cohen (The Haunting of Hill House)


He might be playing a strung-out wastrel, but turns out that's really working for me.

#3 Justin Hartley (commercials for This is Us)


I'm certainly not watching the show, and I'm not really convinced anybody else is, but damn he fine.

#2 The Men of Insecure



One of the benefits of being the creator-star of a show is that you get to cast every single love interest with the hottest men on the planet. Issa Rae knows exactly what she's doing, and I love her for it.

#1 The Men of Casa de las Flores



It's a telenovela, so of course everyone is attractive, but does every single character have to be a model? Yes. Yes they do.

Bonus: Wes the Assistant Director from Nailed It



Wes is a source of majestic calm in the middle of the show's chaos, with his beautiful Thor hair. Even when he forgets to bring out the trophy on time.

MUSIC

Top Ten Songs of 2018

#10 "Solo" Clean Bandit ft. Demi Lovato



I miss the time in classic rock where songs were just the thinnest possible metaphors for sex, drugs, and all kinds of delicious rock 'n roll vice. This lovely slice of electropop sends me right back there, with that gossamer veil that more or less taunts you with how explicit and obvious it is about just being a masturbation anthem. It's so unashamed that it can't really even be read as a metaphor for dancing, which I think it's trying to do, and I adore it so much for that.

#9 "Happier" Marshmello ft. Bastille



Bastille finding their place in the pop music scene means losing a lot of the texture and identity of their first album, but this song still gives me those soaring luscious vocals I crave. Even if it has a Marshmello on it, whatever that is.

#8 "Missing U" Robyn



I wish I liked Robyn's new album more than I did, but her lead single is still an excellent way to herald her long awaited return to the pop world. Those chilly Swedish beats come pouring right out of her, and it's a sterling reminder that she's the tightest, most controlled and expert queen on the scene.

#7 "I Like It" Cardi B, Bad Bunny, & J Balvin



I'm still not sure if I love the song for just being a great song or because I love the original track that it samples so heavily, but it integrates the sample so heavily into the instrumentation and theme of the song that it becomes a beautiful hybrid of both old and new. So it really doesn't matter, does it? It's just great, no matter how you slice it.

#6 "Bloom" Troye Sivan



Oh hey, remember when four entries ago I was talking about songs that are secretly explicit? Well, Troye Sivan has "Solo" beat, with this trance-inducing pop gem about bottoming. It's filthy, it's queer as all hell, and it's a bop. Who could possibly want anything else from their music?

#5 "The Shape Hunts Allyson" John Carpenter, Cody Carpenter, & Daniel Davies



This might be the single track I've listened to most this year, and not just because it's just barely over two minutes long. John Carpenter's scores are renowned for their pounding synthrock, but "The Shape Hunts Allyson" might be his best work yet, working in a glorious, earth-wrenching klaxon over the floating giallo-inspired melody. It's unusual, it's jarring, and it's an utterly perfect bit of film music that transcends the "Movie" category.

#4 "La Cintura" Alvaro Soler



The Spanish songbird Alvaro Soler has made a previous appearance on one of these lists, as the number one Pretty Guy on my 2015 Flashback. And while I did enjoy his music enough back then, his newest album Mar de Colores is giving me everything I've been missing from a post-"Despacito" world. His tropical EDM rhythms get the blood pumping while the chorus sweeps you up into the sky with ineffable spirit. He's more than just a pretty face, my friends!

#3 "The Middle" Zedd, Maren Morris, Grey



OK, maybe I'm just too much of a white person, but I find this track completely irresistible. I wish this list was a little less bubblegum, because I feel I've shared more range on previous years, but with beautifully packaged little pop parcels like this waiting around every corner, how could I possibly resist sharing the love?

#2 "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" Backstreet Boys



OK, you can't just call a song "Don't Go Breaking My Heart." It's just not done. Luckily, the reunion single from the Backstreet Boys lives up to the massive shoes it attempts to fill by being literally the best single they've ever produced. It combines their former youthful exuberance and sheeny shiny pop lyrics with a more mature harmonic structure that is both glorious to behold and a delectable pop confection.

#1 "Just Thought You Should Know" Betty Who



Look, if it's a year with new Betty Who music, you know who's gonna be getting herself on the list. I loved the singles a lot more than her new EP as a whole, but God, who can complain about a single like "Just Thought You Should Know?" I love that breathy vocal that builds into a heavenly crescendo, that saucy little snap on the percussion line that tonally matches the sassy back and forth in the pre-chorus, and that glorious lyrical celebration of heartbreak and the sublimity of raw emotion that you can sing along to in the car.

Bottom Five Songs of 2018

#5 "Supernova" Ansel Elgort



Did nobody tell Ansel Elgort that Baby Driver wasn't actually a musical? I've made something of a habit of exploring celebrity attempts at musical careers (ever heard of John Corbett's rock album? It's a curio, to be sure), but this is certainly the weirdest turn I've ever seen. His growling voice and those chintzy R&B beats just do not work, but bless him for trying something new I suppose.

#4 "Sunrise Sunburn Sunset" Luke Bryan



Bro country is never many steps away from this list, and in fact this isn't even Luke Bryan's first appearance. But how could I not include a song dripping with such white privilege on the list? This cheesy-ass dude with his smug grin gets to spend a free summer at a beach house and make doe eyes with a sexy lady and I have to hear about it in an endless recycled chorus? Thank you, next.

#3 "Better Now" Post Malone



The rap scene seems evenly split between artists who are really trying their best to push the envelope and make something creatively unique, and those who groan over a canned beat and toss it to the charts. This is one of those latter ones. Post Malone is this year's primary purveyor of nasal grunting, and "Better Now" is one of his most insidiously ubiquitous tracks.

#2 "Simple" Florida Georgia Line



Boy oh boy, did you think "Sunrise Sunburn Sunset" was bad? Then you haven't heard "Simple," which is basically just a nursery rhyme with guitars. These grown men are singing about love with all the emotional complexity of three-year-olds on their fourth studio album? Why are men this way? Why won't they grow?

#1 "I Love It" Kanye West & Lil Pump ft. Adele Givens



This song is so deeply, radically offensive that I didn't even want to include a link to it. We all know that Kanye is going through something, but this track is more reductive, misogynist, and awful than the very highest heights of the genre, one with a pretty famously indecent track record for the way it treats women. Framed as a celebration of what a "hoe" their partners are, this song is utterly putrid tripe that sets the movement back decades. What movement? Any movement.

Biggest Surprise: Rita Ora Actually Released an Album


Rita Ora has spent the six years since her first studio album trying to convince me that she's a superstar, with cameos in the Fifty Shades movies and a hosting gig on America's Next Top Model despite the fact that I still had no idea who she was. But now there's actual music to go along with her surprisingly bustling career!

Biggest Disappointment: Ed Sheeran is Still Charting so Hard


Ed Sheeran's "Shape of You" dominated the charts last year, hitting number one for the year-end Billboard ranking, but the single still landed on the 2018 chart at 71, with another single from the same album, "Perfect," sliding all the way up to number 2 for the entire year. This is an album that's over a year old at this point! Will people never tire of listening to this ginger creep on women? 2019 will only tell.

Best Music Video: "This is America" Childish Gambino



A controversial music video if there ever was one, but the fact that an entire nation consumed a music video in the year of our lord 2018 speaks to the artistry of Childish Gambino and the music video's director Hiro Murai (who also happened to direct some of the best episodes of Barry this year). This video combines ecstatic single-take loopiness with harsh violence and an increasingly frightening rictus grin plastered over Donald Glover's face. It's the year that was, encased in amber with all its ugliness and awful reality.

Worst Music Video: "Freaky Friday" Lil Dicky (feat. Chris Brown)


Wow, another one I don't have the heart to actually give views to? This has been a rough year, my friends. This comic video about a novelty white rapper switching bodies with a famous performer could have been so so funny, so why did he pick Chris Brown? It's not funny to see him brandish a gun or relish his own talents knowing what a supremely awful person he is. Couldn't you have gotten Jason DeRülo or something? I'm sure he's available!

Best Song for a Movie: "If We Don't" Dolly Parton & Rhonda Vincent w/ Alison Krauss, Dumplin'



Dumplin' was a very sweet movie, but what makes it even sweeter is how inundated it is with the legacy and glory of Dolly Parton, down to this delightfully inspirational take-action anthem.

Worst Song for a Movie: "Zero" Imagine Dragons, Ralph Wrecks the Internet



The title describes exactly how much effort went into writing this daffy bubblegum pop song that's too sugary for a franchise that literally had a song in the previous entry called "Sugar Rush."

Best Guilty Pleasure: "Sweetener" Ariana Grande



Ariana Grande has had quite a year, and while I've never particularly taken to this pop princess (and she's still the absolute worst at lip syncing in her music videos, a skill only I cherish apparently), she deserves recognition. And what better recognition could there be than the fact that the song "Sweetener," which I resist all the goopy sentiment of with all my heart, is a total tried and true banger.

Worst Guilty Pleasure: "Hotel Key" Old Dominion



You know I hate me some bro country, but you can't deny how freaking catchy this one is. OK maybe you can and maybe you should, but I am powerless against it.

Best Album Cover: Dirty Computer, Janelle Monáe


That beautifully draped... whatever it is, would be enough to make this cover memorable, but the color palette it uses is so tremendously delectable. The pastel candy colors make it soft and inviting, and you just want to soak in every inch of it.

Worst Album Cover: Astroworld, Travis Scott


And then there's this one, where every inch of it is. Well, it's full, I guess you could say that. There is way too much going on here, and of course it treats women like literal objects, because who wouldn't want that in 2018?

Best Cover Song: "SOS" Cher



Cher going ABBA was the best thing that ever could have happened to the career of a pop icon. She's fully embracing the cartoon that is her larger than life personality, blending her iconic voice into a power-pop anthem that truly deserves it. Plus, as simple as the music video is, and as little as Cher is in it (ie. not one frame), the quiet message of female empowerment is like sinking into a warm bath full of Betty Who hugs.

Worst Cover Song: "Zombie" Bad Wolves




I love the Cranberries track "Zombie," but a grunting sludge rock band clunkily forcing in lyrics about 2018 politics are not what the song needs. The song needs to be left alone to speak for itself, because it's already doing a great job of that, thank you very much.

My Top 5 Song Discoveries

#5 "The Visitors" ABBA



If you were an act active in the 70's even a tiny bit, you had to have at least one track about aliens. This is ABBA's, and it's a six minute experimental pop anthem that terrifies with the spiky Scandinavian chill of its verses before beaming you up into the atmosphere with a pulse-pounding chorus full of gooey bubblegum goodness.

#4 "Todos Me Miran" Gloria Trevi



Do yourself a favor and don't Wikipedia Gloria Trevi. Her personal life might be detestable, but this song is a glorious bit of electropop that is exactly what Kylie Minogue would have produced if she was from Mexico.

#3 "Drive" Gretta Ray



That's right, we're going full international on this list today. My friend, horror writer Aaron Dries (check him out), exported me this Aussie jam. What I love about this song is the way that every word flows into the other like an endless waterfall of poetry, sending you on a relaxed journey down a river of music that pulls you along with the flow.

#2 "This is the Day" The The



This song was featured in two movies this year (Every Day and I Feel Pretty), so I really couldn't help but prick up my ears at the lush synths of another 80's gem.

#1 "El Chico del Apartamento 512"




I love a song that tells a story, and this one has a great punchline (the narrator is in love with the boy in the apartment next door, but when she finally drums up the courage to tell him, a woman answers - his sister!). But it's also got a tremendously fun Tejano rhythm that brings me instant joy every time I hear it. I can't thank my boyfriend Sergio enough for showing me Selena, a biopic that doesn't do a great job at the "biography" part, but gets the music totally, blissfully right.

Here's Some Stuff That I Did in 2018

Attack of the Queerwolf


By far the coolest thing I've been able to do this year is launch a brand new podcast on the Blumhouse Podcast Network! I'm producing this show, an LGBTQ perspective on popular horror films which is hosted by a trio of people I adore (writers Mark Fortin and Michael Kennedy and artist/activist Nay Never), and it's maybe the piece of work I'm proudest of in my entire life. It's a filthy fun look at a side of horror you might not think about, even if you're a member of the queer community.

Brennan Went to Film School


I've been a busy boy this year, with this month concluding my first full year as a columnist at Dread Central. Brennan Went to Film School is a highbrow look at "low" culture, talking about the deeper subtext of horror films, including self-identity in Elm Street 4, economic disparity in Night of the Comet, and Bait 3D as a metaphor for Purgatory!

Alternate Ending



Another new web site I'm writing for! It's seriously a dream come true getting to write for the web site run by my favorite movie critic Tim Brayton, along with podcasters extraordinaire Carrie and Rob Jarosinski. And it's an outlet where I don't have to write about horror movies exclusively. Who knew I had other interests? Well, if you read my stuff here you can find out!

All the Creatures Were Stirring


Now available in Walmart, Redbox, Amazon Prime, and streaming exclusively on Shudder is All the Creatures Were Stirring, a holiday horror anthology directed by Rebekah and Dave McKendry. With one segment having sound provided by yours truly! That's right, I have a credit in a movie you can actually buy in stores! Mom, I'm famous!

It me!

Podcasts I've Guested On Over the Year:

Geek KO LVL 052: Predator

I actually had to watch the Predator movies for the first time to run a round of trivia for my favorite game show podcast, which you may have noticed if you follow my reviews at all closely.

Geek KO LVL 055: Scream

Now, here's a topic I'm surprised we hadn't gotten to before, considering I've run a Halloween round on the show for at least three years now.

Geek Offensive #049: Sincere Garbage: Birdemic Shock and Terror

Another show on the Geek Say What network, I was very happy to be invited on Geek Offensive to talk bad-great films, another favorite topic of mine.

Geek Offensive #082: Brennan Klein

I was already flattered to be invited back at all, but the fact that they wanted the whole episode to be a one-on-one interview was double exciting. I was super duper sick while recording this and my throat pretty much gave in afterward, but it was definitely a blast as well.

Keep Screaming #22: GIRLS NITE OUT (1982)

OK, maybe I should have thought through my movie choice a little better, but it's a blast to talk slashers with my favorite slasher podcast nonetheless. The fact that I produce the show on my own network legitimately has nothing to do with how much I love it. Ryan and Bee are just that great.



And that's it for another year! Thanks so much for joining me on this journey, and I hope 2019 gives us all a lot better material to work with!

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Saturday, December 29, 2018

Popcorn Kernels: 'Tis The Season

Some mini reviews of Christmas movies I caught in my frantic year-end roundup.

A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding

Year: 2018
Director: John Schultz
Cast: Rose McIver, Ben Lamb, Alice Krige
Run Time: 1 hour 32 minutes
Rating: TV-PG

A white lady is engaged to the prince of a fake country, but will political unrest get in the way of their impending nuptials? No, no it won't.

God bless the Motion Picture Corporation of America. The fabulously generic Hallmark-esque movies they produce for Netflix only hit the spot more and more. The original Christmas Prince was mediocre but affably dumb. But this sequel is a top to bottom nuclear blast of earnest good-bad glee, from the vacuous misunderstanding of macroeconomics to the dad who insists that putting inflatables on a Christmas tree is a time-honored American tradition.

This movie embraces crazy-go-nuts plot twists, soap opera zooms, and political intrigue over the wan romantic plot, which is honestly the best decision. The central couple here has never had particularly warm chemistry, and they're not one you root for, and it's not like this franchise's sense of romance is particularly nuanced in the first place (they also fall into the trap of having the only gay characters in the movie fall for each other the second they lock eyes, because they're the only two homosexuals who exist in the entire universe and are thus fated for each other even though one of them has up until that point only served as comic relief because he's an egomaniacal asshole who could only be toxic in an interpersonal relationship, and did I mention that I hate this trope so so much?).

I couldn't possibly do this movie any justice with a longer review, because I'd just be listing lunatic things that happen during the course of its blissfully brief run time (did I mention the heroine threatens a man's life with a bow and arrow in a scene that isn't super treated as a joke? In a Christmas movie!). It's a movie ripe with incident and not bogged down by anything resembling a researched political context, a real theme of any kind, or characters worth digging into any deeper than the layer of cake makeup that gives them all such a creamy milk-pale glow.

Rating: 5/10


Anna and the Apocalypse

Year: 2018
Director: John McPhail
Cast: Ella Hunt, Malcolm Cumming, Sarah Swire
Run Time: 1 hour 33 minutes
MPAA Rating: R

A zombie apocalypse breaks out in a small Scottish town during Christmastime, throwing a wrench into the plans of the local high schoolers. Also, it's a musical.

Anna and the Apocalypse is a zombie Christmas musical, which is something I should love. Instead, I only like it a lot. I suppose I can't complain about that, because it's a delightful romp with catchy tunes, but there are just a few quibbles that refuse to leave my mind. First and foremost is the staging of the musical numbers. The film runs out of steam very fast after a High School Musical inspired cafeteria number with full choreography and a Shaun of the Dead inspired duet between two of the leads, who are completely clueless that a zombie apocalypse is happening all around them (maybe the fact that it's constantly reminding me of other movies is a downside too, come to think of it, considering how original the concept is).

After that, every single musical sequence just asks its performers to stand in place and belt their hearts out, but watching four or five people arrange themselves like statues in a garden for a three or four minute song isn't exactly dynamic cinema. This lack of creativity extends to a lot of the zombie gore sequences too. We get a lot of basic bashing and smashing, although their choice of a sharpened candy cane as their iconic weapon was obviously a good one. They just seem to have squandered most of their budget and preparation in the first half, and the glimmering fun is buried beneath a lot of trope-filled slogging once the apocalypse fully sets in.

That said, I love me the fact that this is a peppy Scottish horror musical unafraid of setting it bubblegum pop tunes atop scenes of grim devastation, not shying away from dire consequences for the main cast, which is much more ensemble-driven than you'd expect from a movie that literally has one person's name in the title. And this cast is all up to snuff, both in the dialogue and musical sequences, though Sarah Swire (playing a queer character that I adore) is certainly the most vocally talented, belting for all she's worth like a grand diva twice her age.

Plus, in addition to its plotty songs, which are mostly fun fluff like the Glee stylings of "Hollywood Ending" and "Turning My Life Around," Anna and the Apocalypse gives us two brand new Christmas classics in the form of the sexy Santa Baby ballad "It's That Time of Year" and the saccharine but melancholic carol "Christmas Means Nothing Without You." Those are tracks that will hit my Christmas rotation with or without the rest of the movie, even though this is certainly a fun stocking stuffer I will revisit time and again throughout the years.

Rating: 7/10

Cola de Mono


Year: 2018
Director: Alberto Fuguet
Cast: Santiago Rodríguez-Costabal, Cristóbal Rodríguez-Costabal, Carmina Riego
Run Time: 1 hour 42 minutes

On the night before Christmas in 1986, two brothers have twisted psychosexual encounters with their sublimated homosexual desires.

There was a time and place for movies about how gay desire twists men and makes them into crazy murderers. That time was the 80's, and they weren't exactly welcome then, but at least that decade had the twisted sensibility to inject them with plenty of camp and glitzy excess. 2018 is not that time though, and as much as Cola de Mono (literally translated to "monkey tail," describing a traditional South American Christmas drink as well as being a bit of a naughty pun) wants to be a Chilean Cruising, it's pretty much just nothing.

In the first act of the film, I held out hope that the pacing was slow to highlight the boredom of a hormonal young man trapped inside with his family on Christmas Eve, but alas I was giving the movie too much credit. The pace stays the exact same throughout, during the moments where it cuts between nothing happening to one brother inside and nothing happening to the other brother outside, though sometimes the shots are out of order in a way that's probably trying to be "Tarantino-esque" but just accomplishes "confusing."

When the film finally erupts into action, it's so cheaply realized and shoddily edited that it would almost have been better if it never happened at all. The only bright spot of this insufferably overlong movie (when the movie cuts to several years later instead of just ending, it's like a slap to the face) is Carmina Riego as the overworked mom. She's the mistress of a resentful dinner table, and she vamps it up into the rafters. Beyond that, don't waste your time on this one. Not that you needed me to tell you that, because you've probably never heard of this one to begin with. Oops. I went out of my way for nothing.

Rating: 2/10

The Grinch


Year: 2018
Director: Yarrow Cheney, Scott Mosier
Cast: Benedict Cumberbatch, Cameron Seely, Rashida Jones
Run Time: 1 hour 26 minutes
MPAA Rating: PG


He's a mean one, that Mr. Grinch.

Look, everybody knows we didn't need another version of the Grinch tale, especially one as toothless and plasticine as the type of story being told by Illumination Entertainment. Literally the only addition this film makes to the Grinch mythology is the fact that the Whos sing two Christmas songs with specifically religious elements ("God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" and "Silent Night"), leading me to question if there is a Who Jesus. But beyond that, no. Nothing added, nothing gained.

Plus, they're definitely playing jazz with the original poem, adding some godawful rhyming couplets to beef out the run time, and giving Cindy Lou Who a whole bunch of aimless slapstick that doesn't drive the plot in any particular direction for about a third of the movie. And Benedict Cumberbatch is giving a nasal, wobbly performance that doesn't befit his skills at all, he should have just stepped aside and let Jim Parsons do his thing.

But with all that said, it's still, y'know, cute. There are a couple fun design elements, my favorite being the elevator fashioned from a cushy chair that the Grinch uses to navigate his mountaintop abode. And by far my favorite sequence involves a group of relentlessly cheerful carolers being perceived by the Grinch as a zombie-esque horde chasing him through the streets, an excellent bit of quasi-expressionism that is simultaneously hilarious and deeply chilling.

Look, I will never ever ever think about this movie again, but it did its job and it went home, and I can't say I'm mad at it? It just sort of exists, and it's a perfectly functional piece when it does. So that at least makes it better than The Secret Life of Pets! Thank goodness for small favors.

Rating: 6/10
Word Count: 1547
Reviews In This Series
A Christmas Prince (Zamm, 2017)
A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding (Schultz, 2018)

Friday, December 7, 2018

Popcorn Kernels: Dumping Out The Net

In which we briefly review two movies produced for Netflix, and one that feels like it absolutely could have been.

Roma


Year: 2018
Director: Alfonso Cuarón
Cast: Yalitza Aparicio, Marina de Tavira, Diego Cortina Autrey
Run Time: 2 hours 15 minutes
MPAA Rating: R

We spend a year in the life of Cleo, a live-in maid for a rich family in 1970's Mexico City.

Now, I'm gonna front load this one so you know I don't only watch Hallmark garbage. Roma is a frontrunner for Oscar season, because really what else even looks remotely watchable this year? This movie sees celebrated Mexican filmmaker Alfonso Cuarón return to his roots, having taken five years to recover from his Earth-shattering, cinema tech-redefining hit Gravity. Roma seems small compared to anything, but especially that. And the crew is pared down too. For this semi-autobiographical piece, Cuarón not only wrote, directed, and produced, but he also shot and edited the damn thing. It's definitely a labor of love and it shows.

Loosely based on the life of Cuarón's beloved nanny, Roma is one of those walk-a-mile-in-my-shoes movies that depicts the everyday life of someone who popular audiences might not have thought about before: a working woman who has just barely escaped poverty and must live constantly under the shadow of people who are freer and more privileged while. It's full of mundane tasks and chores (the way dog poop piles up in the driveway might seem tedious, but sooner or later the sight of it will strike pure terror into your heart), but it builds to grand crescendos of emotion that are captured in those little routine, familiar actions. It's not a question of if this movie will make you cry, it's how many times.

It's a tender paean to the importance of every single life, especially in the way Cleo is weaved into the tapestry of Mexican political unrest of the 70's. She's not necessarily consciously participating, but she's an essential thread just like everybody else around her. But enough with the story (which is great). Roma is a cornea-crushingly beautiful movie. Cuarón knows how to frame a f**king shot, and he uses his patented technique of uninterrupted takes to draw you inexorably into the center of a world that feels entirely real, tactile, and occasionally entirely overwhelming.

There's a lot to devour in the imagery of Roma, so I don't know if I would say it peaked early, but one shot I would like to highlight - and in my eyes it is certainly the single best shot of the film - runs beneath the opening credits. I hesitate to even spoil the image, but what seems at first boring and menial transitions suddenly into a breathtaking display that is at once small, quiet, and profound.

And that sound design. The man knows ears just as well as eyes. The first thing that knocked me out about Gravity was the fully realized sonic world that swallowed you whole, and Cuarón treats the vistas of Mexico City and its environs with all the spectacle and wonder of outer space. Honestly, the whole film is a perfectly sumptuous sensory experience, which makes perfect sense why it's going to be viewed on... millions of people's laptops?

Thank you so much Netflix for making this movie, but seriously, f**k you.

Rating: 9/10

The Princess Switch
Year: 2018
Director: Mike Rohl
Cast: Vanessa Hudgens, Sam Palladio, Nick Sagar
Run Time: 1 hour 41 minutes

A duchess trades places with a Chicago baker so they can experience each other's lives on Christmas.

Netflix really plumbed a new niche last holiday season when they learned that there is a ravenous audience for crappy Hallmark-level Christmas films, and this year they've pumped out even more of the things. I'd hesitate to say The Princess Switch is the most notable, considering there's a sequel to the smash hit A Christmas Prince and a movie where Kurt Russell plays Santa, but this is the only one where Vanessa Hudgens from High School Musical plays two characters, so which did you think I would watch?

The Princess Switch does exactly what it says on the tin. It's a predictable but charming plot that's not quite good enough to actually recommend, and not quite bad enough to have a great time mocking, but exists somewhere in between being generally sweet. It's like eating a single Hershey's kiss. It'll give you that little kick of sugar, but it'll just make you hungrier for a more substantial treat.

And while I wouldn't say Hudgens is giving a tour de force performance, her distinction between the two characters is always entirely clear, to the point that I imagined Vanessa Hudgens the baker as the lead and the duchess character as being played by somebody entirely different. Though that might be due to the fact that, as a wish fulfillment fantasy, the movie couldn't give half a f**k about how the duchess is liking her normal life, and spends about two and a half seconds with her every other scene. Probing character study this is not.

Plus, while it's not as relentlessly mockable as some of these other Netflix titles, there's still plenty of cheerily dumb gems lying around to be picked up and dusted off. Like the fact that "getting the coats" and "doing the dishes" are treated as two tasks that take the exact same amount of time. Or that the fictional land of Belgravia consists of one castle, one orphanage (complete with mistletoe for some despicable reason), one arts and crafts Christmas fair, and a huge corporate TV studio. Or the prince having a "meeting with Spain." Or the fact that they literally sit down to watch A Christmas Prince on Netflix at one point (scrolling right past A Christmas Inheritance, which is clearly madness). OK, maybe I love this movie.

Rating: 6/10

Little Italy


Year: 2018
Director: Donald Petrie
Cast: Hayden Christensen, Emma Roberts, Andrea Martin
Run Time: 1 hour 42 minutes
MPAA Rating: R (I don't understand it either)

Two hot young things fall in love despite their families being the owners of rival pizza places.

While Little Italy clearly is a branch of the cheesy (pun absolutely intended) family of Hallmark and Netflix original rom-coms, there is one thing I did not expect it to be, and the only thing about it that's unpredictable in any respect: It's also a rip-off of My Big Fat Greek Wedding. There are a lot of clues. For one thing, it's about how a big loud ethnic family can interfere with a modern love life. For another, they literally cast Andrea Martin, whose race is a mystery to Hollywood (she's Armenian by the way) and has played family members from all across the Mediterranean.

Like The Princess Switch, Little Italy has its share of fun dumb moments (I've even got myself a Champion Dialogue: "Best friends gotta eat, right?") that are delightful to rib. But unlike the former, this movie also has a grab bag of jokes that are offensive to just about every minority group on the planet, including Italians. There are two Indian side characters, which would normally be a sign of increasing diversity in a film, but they can not stop making jokes about curry powder, Jai Ho, and magic carpet rides (Aladdin was Arabian, first of all. Second of all, please stop.) At least those two aren't paired off in the end as the display of heteronormative race-matched pair-bonding that these types of comedies can't resist. Tragically, the same can't be said about the film's only gay character (a man who inappropriately gropes his straight friend), who instantly falls in love with the only other Gay in the room, a man who has swished onscreen only about thirty seconds before.

At least the central couple is racially diverse, because while Hayden Christensen is attempting his best, broadest Brooklyn Italian accent (strange, because this film is specifically set in Toronto), Emma Roberts attempts nothing at all. She doesn't even manage to convince us that she's capable of eating pizza, let alone having chemistry with Anakin Skywalker. It's a lazy, slapdash couple for a lazy, slapdash movie (it literally opens and closes with a "nunya" joke) and the only reason it exists is that the director also made Mystic Pizza, so he's got himself a Roberts family connection and people were like "sure, he did it once, we're Hollywood and we love doing things all over again!"

It's all a boring, unpleasant slog that is only redeemed by Andrea Martin who is of course terrific anywhere you put her, and Geri Hall in a one-scene role as a cop who has the hots for Christensen. It's the oldest, creakiest character archetype in the book, and it's definitely a bit more Me Too-y than the producers were probably hoping for, but Hall has an actual sense of comic timing and she manages to squeeze a lot of charisma out of a few lines. So at least there's something? But I'm sure one can find that scene on YouTube, and there's no use digging it out of a 102 minute movie whose single selling point on the DVD cover is that is features the hit Shawn Mendes song "There's Nothing Holdin' Me Back."

Rating: 3/10
Word Count: 1548

Tuesday, December 4, 2018

Popcorn Kernels: Mother Of Sighs

Some quick reviews of 2018 movies I've been catching up on, now that I have to wait until discount day to pay money for them instead of just swiping MoviePass like a shopping montage in an 80's movie.

Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald

Year: 2018
Director: David Yates
Cast: Eddie Redmayne, Katherine Waterston, Johnny Depp
Run Time: 2 hours 14 minutes
MPAA Rating: PG-13

Newt Scamander & Co. have a series of adventures while the evil wizard Grindelwald gathers his forces, and maybe they'll do something interesting in the next one.

Now, nobody is pretending that any spinoff franchise could ever be as huge a phenomenon as Harry Potter. Even though the films in that franchise could be pretty patchy, there's no denying their huge cultural impact, pushed into the stratosphere by the world-rending book series they were based on. I'm not asking Fantastic Beasts or its mush-mouth titled sequel to be anything close to that. I am asking for it to have the slightest vestige of quality, however. Unfortunately, you can't always get what you want.

From the title on down, Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald is a miscalculation of biblical proportions. It's visually illegible, constantly plastering plasticky CGI across its choppily edited, mud-colored frame, but that's nothing compared to how illegible the script is. Its incoherent attempts at fan service (they shoehorn in every Harry Potter figure who might conceivably have been alive at the time, but their comings and goings blend in with the sheer mass of new characters we meet who get lost in dead-end plot lines or appear without warning as if they've been here the entire time) tumble over a plot that not only forgets to include very many magical creatures, but also bungles every single lead character from the previous movie, even though it made egregiously major retcons to include two of them in the first place.

The plot gets so unnecessarily complicated that a character literally has to sit us down for ten full minutes to give a flashback-aided presentation about what the hell we've even been watching this whole time, right before a climax that introduces about a half dozen different conflicts that haven't had a scrap of setup.

Rowling can't even resist doubling down on the single worst aspect of the single film: the reveal that the Americans call Muggles No-Maj's. As in, they have no magic. I like the idea that different wizarding communities have different slang terms just like the real world, but it's probably the laziest fake word I've ever heard in a world in which fake words are literally the backbone. Enter Grindelwald, which introduces other terms like the French "non-magique" and the term "can't-spells."  Is she just trolling me at this point? By film 5 in this franchise (yeah, that's the plan, but we'll see if they get there after this trainwreck), are we going to learn that the Australian wizards call them "have-to-throw-shrimp-on-the-barbies-cuz-they-bad-at-wandz"?

Any way you slice it, it's just a mess. Everything good about the first film, which was only OK to begin with, had been left to rot. The fun frolicking with magical creatures is present in small pockets of the film, but it all feels very Looney Tunes and it actively fails to gel with the movie's bizarre choice to focus on the brewing conflict that seems to be leading to Magic World War I. And Eddie Redmayne, who was a charming presence in the first film, is giving a performance that forgets most of his quirks and tics in favor of a stern locked jaw and staring off into space. The plot never really makes a space for him (the plot is much more focused on Dumbledore - who is barely in the film - and Grindelwald - who is in far too much of the film, and spends too much time bragging that he knows something we don't, which when revealed turns out to be a very lame thing), and he's content to just be the wallpaper anyway.

There are quite a few Harry Potter movies that I don't like very much, but I never expected to hate one of these. Well, there's a first time for everything.

Rating: 2/10

Suspiria
Year: 2018
Director: Luca Guadagnino
Cast: Dakota Johnson, Tilda Swinton, Mia Goth
Run Time: 2 hours 32 minutes
MPAA Rating: R

A young woman joins a modern dance school in 1977 Germany that may or may not be definitely run by witches.

One way to put me instantly on your movie's bad side is to split it into chapters. Suspiria announces right away that it's going to have six acts, which means I'll constantly be checking in and going "we're still only on act two? Why isn't this movie over yet!" My impatience aside, Suspiria really revels in how drawn-out the whole process is. Two and a half hours of Suspiria is waaaay too much Suspiria. The original is 92 minutes long, the perfect amount of time to be completely rattled and shaken up before the film dumps you on the cold concrete.

However, horror films often can't sustain tension for much longer than that, not that this Suspiria seems particularly concerned with building tension anyway. It's another exercise in style like the previous film (to that end, I do think Guadagnino was the best choice to fill Argento's shoes), and in these elements it works pretty damn well. The set design is impressively austere and the cinematography wickedly echoes the original film by being its complete aesthetic opposite, entirely on purpose. And my favorite element here is the jagged sound design, which layers dialogue from other scenes over odd shots where it doesn't seem to belong, evoking the ethereal and odd sound dubbing of older Italian filmmaking. But where Argento's Suspiria served form at the expense of function, Guadagnino liberally ladles his style over a six-course meal of plot that makes the table groan under its weight.

The most obvious misstep here is the inclusion of the political turmoil in 1977 Germany, as if the location and time period of the original actually had a single thing to do with anything. It's a choice that paints Guadagnino into a corner and this material only ever feels clumsily shoehorned in. Less so the stuff about dealing with the lingering specter of the Holocaust, but it still intersects with the main thrust of the movie so little that you only ever feel like you're being dragged away from where the real action is.

As for this action, it does provoke a stirring of horror or two over its time. There's plenty of exquisite match cutting here that utilizes modern dance as an aggressive, muscular framework for some disgusting imagery that owes everything to precise editing and impressive visual effects. And the eventual climax of the film is a colorful orgy of terror that does make sitting through the entire thing worth it, but while you're in the middle of the sitting part, the movie really does do its best to put you right to sleep.

Rating: 5/10

Searching
Year: 2018
Director: Aneesh Chaganty
Cast: John Cho, Debra Messing, Joseph Lee
Run Time: 1 hour 42 minutes
MPAA Rating: PG-13

A desperate father uses his computer to solve the mystery of his daughter's disappearance.

I missed Searching in theaters because of the aforementioned Great MoviePass Implosion of 2018, but I also wasn't feeling too motivated to go check it out because of a pretty petty reason. People were staring awestruck at this movie because it shows a whole story over a computer screen. As if Unfriended wasn't sitting right there, having done the exact same thing four years ago. And that wasn't even the first, because we have The Den, and presumably some other film that The Den was ripping off. Nothing is original, my friends. I'm just rankled that the discourse ignored the teenybopper horror film because that's what discourse likes to do.

And when it comes down to brass tacks, that teenybopper horror film is much more honest with its conceit. Searching is a fun movie with a gripping plot, but it's also a cheater. We cut between multiple screens (including just a straight-up TV), we get video footage of John Cho at all times because he leaves FaceTime open like a crazy person, we have actual non-diegetic music plastered over the big moments, and we get close-ups of all the important material onscreen because audiences can't be trusted to pay attention. Unfriended may be a sillier movie, but it's true to its format and I want to make sure it gets that respect.

That said, it's not like Searching is bad. On the contrary, it's a quite delightful little film. It's a muscular, pared-down thriller that - like most thrillers - stumbles a bit in its third act, but takes you on a wild roller coaster ride just the same. It also utilizes real social media and apps like Venmo, Facebook, Tumblr, and the like in a way that isn't just product placement like a Ralph Breaks the Internet, but rather a reminder that this is the fabric of what a teenager does all day. It highlights just how much of our lives are splayed out across the Internet for any enterprising viewer to piece together, and it's an excellent, chilling reminder of just how public most of our lives have become.

Unfortunately, as a two-hander between John Cho and Debra Messing, it's less than thrilling. Cho is good here, as he is pretty much anywhere, but neither quite has the presence or gravitas to sell the ridiculous twists that come swinging for the fences in the later portions of the film. But at any rate, they're absorbing enough that you do forget entirely that you're just watching a computer screen, and that's a recipe for a fun night on the couch with Redbox, even if it's not going to change your life.

Rating: 7/10
Word Count: 1658
Reviews In This Series
Suspiria (Argento, 1977)
Suspiria (Guadgnino, 2018)

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Yates, 2016)
Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald (Yates, 2018)

Wednesday, November 14, 2018

Census Bloodbath: Naked And Afraid

Year: 1987
Director: Katt Shea
Cast: Kay Lenz, Greg Evigan, Norman Fell 
Run Time: 1 hour 28 minutes
MPAA Rating: R

Our slasher project Census Bloodbath has taken a bit of a backseat recently, especially thanks to the insane number of marathons I was running in October. But what possible better fit could there be for diving right back into the heart of the 80's slasher movement than Stripped to Kill? Birthed from the churning sack of tricks at Roger Corman's studio, it's a nasty sleazy exploitation movie that makes zero effort to hide its own intentions. That beautiful poster says it all. 

But included in that "all" is the single most important element that makes Stripped to Kill interesting. It was directed and co-written by a woman. That's right, Katt Shea, the auteur behind Poison Ivy and The Rage: Carrie 2 got her start as a surprising number of women in the industry did, from the buckets of slime at Corman's place (as much as you might distrust Roger Corman's quality control, he sure gave a hell of a lot of people chances that wouldn't have gotten them otherwise).

Thanks?

In Stripped to Kill, you guessed it, a murderer be killin' strippers. Detective Cody Sheenan (Kay Lenz) must go undercover at the Rock Bottom strip club, to the wolfish delight of her partner, Heineman (Greg Evigan, of My Two Dads, who is the most 80's of hunks and never not dressed like Kiefer Sutherland in The Lost Boys). Between lengthy stripping numbers that rival the sheer mass of aerobics exercise stock footage in Killer Workout, they attempt to track down who exactly might be mowing down these poor working women.

It's certainly not their hair stylist, because there doesn't appear to be one within a ten mile radius.

As the story goes, Katt Shea was inspired to make this film after losing a bet with her husband (and co-writer) Andy Ruben, after which she was made to go to strip club. She was dreading it, but during the performance she had a revelation that for certain women, stripping was a completely valid form of artistic expression for certain women. She decided to make a movie that reflected that, and you know what? She certainly did. 

The plot of Stripped to Kill lurches randomly as you sit down every six minutes or so for a full striptease routine, a rhythm that was she was most likely contractually obligated to use by Corman & Co. The film still suffers as a narrative for this, but certainly not as much as it would if it had a male director. Shea presents some bold, exciting routines that catch the eye with more than just nudity, using costuming, sets, acrobatics, and avant-garde concepts in increasingly bizarre and captivating routines to show off just how versatile the act of stripping really is. It's a mini performance art project shoehorned into producer-mandated exploitation, and it's a sublime act of subversion.

Plus, Shea respecting these women as artists then extends to her respecting them as human beings, go figure. The characters are still pretty indistinguishable and not particularly fleshed out (look, there's only so much you can do in an 88 minute movie with 35 minutes of stripping), but their offstage dialogue and personality quirks are far from stereotypical. The film explores their motivations for stripping, their reactions to the way the men in the audience view them, and how they seek to support one another. It's like a season of GLOW, but with more nudity. One scene is - dare I say - even quite powerful. When the detective is dropped off by a coworker, Cody mentions that she's an incredible dancer, to which she replies "It's nice to hear that from a woman." She only hears compliments from men who want to manipulate her into sex, and hearing it from another woman is a validation of her art and worth. And I'm crying.

The character of Detective Cody is also extremely interesting. The more she learns about the world of Rock Bottom, the more she finds that there is truth and power in the act of stripping that she hasn't found anywhere else in her professional career. I wouldn't say this arc is completed because like most slashers the credits roll the millisecond the immediate conflict is resolved, but none of this would ever be found in a movie like this made by straight men, it just wouldn't happen. Especially in the 1980's.

Girl power!

All that said, I would still like to remind you that this is a crappy slasher movie. That's exactly the type of movie that I enjoy, so I personally wouldn't say it's a problem, but I don't want you to walk away thinking it's even Daytime Emmy material. The production quality is low, with murky cinematography married to muddy sound over a series of sets that - when they aren't in the club itself - always extravagantly fail to resemble the places they're supposed to be.

Take Detective Cody's apartment set. She walks in through some sort of atrium into a big empty concrete hangar with random tricycles and junk scattered around. Then she walks up an indoor metal staircase to the second floor, which has a couch and a kitchen setup, including a massive industrial oven just sitting on the counter. You know, an apartment!

It's a wonky movie, to be sure, from the chilling lack of extras in any club scene to the egregiously sinful original synthpop songs that blare from the soundtrack. Most of this adds a satisfying layer of camp, if you're into that (especially the third act Final Girl sequence, which involves about eighty unmotivated walls of flame bursting up in random alleys), but it's all a bit thin as an actual work of cinema. And there's no getting around the problematic killer reveal, which is [SPOILERS UNTIL THE END OF THIS PARAGRAPH] a bog-standard "crazed man in drag" play that makes absolutely no sense, though at least it gives us a chase sequence involving a beautiful Hawaiian twink with a killer smoky eye.

There is also some hilarity to be found in how much Kay Lenz commits to being a terrible dancer, as well as what is maybe the best disgruntled secretary character in the history of the motion picture. But Stripped to Kill is unfortunately exactly as thin a premise as the title promises. This certainly would have been bottom-of-the-barrel muck without Katt Shea, but given what it is, she can only raise it to the middle of the barrel. 

It's no masterpiece, then. But at least it's never a waste of time, and there's not a lot of this type of slasher I can say that about. 

Killer: [Eric (Pia Kamakahi)]
Final Girl: Detective Cody Sheenan (Kay Lenz)
Best Kill: None. The kills here are nasty and not particularly gory, they're certainly not the reason to watch, if there even is a strong one.
Sign of the Times: Literally everything Heineman ever wears, says, or does.


Or maybe the moment where a customer tries to tempt one of the strippers on a date with Dire Straits tickets.
Scariest Moment: Any time the women use the payphone in the hallway, they're approached by slobbering customers, so every scene involving a phone call highlights exactly how vulnerable they are.
Weirdest Moment: One of the strip acts involves a kabuki mask and arms reaching out from a giant spider web.
Champion Dialogue: "I did not spend a whole night talking about my penis. I am NOT obsessed."
Body Count: 6
  1. Angel is pushed off a bridge and lit on fire.
  2. Cinnamon is strung up with fishing wire. 
  3. Margolin is killed offscreen. 
  4. Spotlight Guy is shot.
  5. Stripper is shot.
  6. Eric is lit on fire. 
TL;DR: Stripped to Kill rises above its exploitation premise thanks to a female director who actually gives half a crap about the characters contained therein.
Rating: 6/10
Word Count: 1323
Reviews In This Series
Stripped to Kill (Shea, 1987)