Sunday, December 31, 2017

2017 Flashback: TV


Top Ten Episodes of 2016

#10 "Teens & Your Least Favorite Soda" My Brother My Brother and Me



The SeeSo online series based on the popular podcast My Brother, My Brother, and Me lives up to the energy of the show: a loose collection of goofs between three brothers that piles into a mountain of comedy that stems from their unique characters. It certainly helps if you listen to their podcast and have an understanding of their idiosyncratic style, but this episode about men in their early 30's attempting to relate to teenagers is full of dabs, bottle flipping, and hilarity.

#9 "Anatomy of a Murder" Riverdale



Riverdale is exactly the trashy teen show we needed last year. And although its first season finale provided an epically stupid action sequence that I loved, all the best soapy melodrama is relegated to the penultimate episode, in which the central murder mystery is finally, operatically solved. There is a lot of wordless diva acting here, and if high camp in any way appeals to you, you can't miss this episode.

#8 "Modelling at the Hospital" Haters Back Off



Haters Back Off!! has always found a way to cut the edge of the Miranda Sings' vainglorious fame-seeking, but this episode finds the perfect balance between her acid tongue and the show's sweeter side. Although Miranda's quest for fame comically interferes with her mom's medical treatment, the whole things come together in a way that's both incredibly endearing and truly disgusting, the perfect register for this supremely weird show.

#7 "Saoirse Ronan / U2" SNL



This episode didn't light the world on fire, like the episode that landed at number one on my list last year, but sometimes in this time where the world is burning to the ground around us, you just need a fun, breezy sketch comedy show that you can rely on. This Irish-led episode provided exactly that, with a host who was comfortable taking a backseat to allow the pros to do their work. From the "Welcome to Hell" girlpop music video lampooning the sexual harassment allegations dropping left and right to the monologue that musically poked fun at how hard its host's name is to pronounce, this episode was pure candy.

#6 "Thanksgiving" Master of None



Taking a break from the throughline of the series to explore a series of Thanksgivings shared by an intergenerational family of black women (spearheaded by the incomparable Angela Bassett), "Thanksgiving" is a low key and tender look at coming of age and coming out of the closet in a type of family that does NOT get regular exposure on television.

#5 "The Dusty Spur" GLOW



GLOW didn't fully get me on its side until the fourth episode, because as much as I love the 80's, I'm trepidatious about the tsunami of recent nostalgia properties like It and Stranger Things. But the show more than proved its worth with "The Dusty Spur," which took a deep dive into the show's weirdest character - a female wrestler who dresses as a wolf - and turns it into a paean for human diversity and understanding. It's an incredibly powerful moment that shows that the series has much more on its mind than colorful ladies rolling around on the floor.

#4 "You Get What You Need" Big Little Lies



Sometimes all you need in a TV show is a bunch of middle-aged powerhouse actresses in a murder mystery, and the true resolution of the series isn't the discovery of who was murdered and how, but how it brings together a community of women who felt trapped by society and having their world revolve around the men in their lives.

#3 "The Gang Turns Black" It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia



It's honestly no huge surprise that the famously irreverent It's Always Sunny did an It's a Wonderful Life-esque episode about race relations in modern America, but it is a surprise that it's a freaking musical. And a terrific one, at that! Combining the show's acerbic humor that points out the flaws in its own characters as gleefully as it pokes at the holes in the fabric of society with a slew of catchy tunes makes for an unforgettable television experience.

#2 "A Woman's Place" The Handmaid's Tale



I'm not normally a fan of prestige shows, and The Handmaid's Tale doesn't shy away from its share of staring out of windows while gauzy curtains are gently flowing in the breeze, but the dystopian intrigue certainly kept me going. And once you're sucked into the show, you're in. What makes "A Woman's Place" particularly strong is the way it fleshes out the world in a way that we haven't seen before by diving into the meat of the show's most interesting character: the icy matriarch of the show who had a hand in creating the woman-repressing world they're living in but is now trapped in it just like everyone else.

#1 "I Never Want to See Josh Again" Crazy Ex-Girlfriend



Crazy Ex-Girlfriend never stops being funny, and this episode's centerpiece musical number about a harsh, withholding mother finally showing her daughter some compassion (a bubbly 50's girl group pastiche titled "Maybe She's Not Such a Heinous Bitch After All") is certainly that. But... [SPOILERS for mid-season 3, but it's not like you were watching anyway, you monster] This episode is also where the title character Rebecca Bunch finally hits rock bottom, swallowing a handful of pills while on a plane between two cities she doesn't feel she has a place in. But instead of using this harsh, tragic moment of reality as a cliffhanger, the show respects the audience and its main character by showing her last desperate stab toward hope, summoning the stewardess by pressing the call button and finally asking for the one thing she needs most: Help. It's a powerful piece of stripped-down realism that's just as in-character for the show as its comic music video pastiches, and it had me ugly sobbing for three full minutes before I had to drive to work. It's harrowing, but it's also an inspiring beacon of light for those suffering through mental health issues.

Seriously, you fools, watch this show immediately.

Bottom Five Episodes of 2016

#5 "The Play's the Thing" Will



Look, I can get down with a show where a sexy young William Shakespeare rocks out to modern songs in a Baz Luhrmann-esque fantasia of Elizabethan London. But when your show is just one of those writer biopics where random people in their lives spout famous lines that they just write down, thus robbing them of the creative agency, and those songs are just "London Calling" (which is maybe the most cliché needle drop ever broadcast), maybe it's time to hang up the gaudy, anachronistic cloak.

#4 "Rockets, Communists, and the Dewey Decimal System" Young Sheldon



Nobody needed me to tell them that Young Sheldon ain't great, but I went ahead and ventured into that swamp anyway. For you. Anyway, over a generously short 18 minute run time, Young Sheldon attempts to wring jokes from a thin premise about what is clearly a young sociopath carving his way through the world via insults and pointed barbs. Honestly, this feels more like a prequel to Dexter than anything.

#3 "The Other Side" The Handmaid's Tale



This episode took a break from the main storyline to follow a character who we'd only previously seen in flashbacks. To be honest, it was a storyline I'd been wondering about, but not someone I needed an entire hour dedicated to, especially right in the middle of an intriguing plotline in the A-story, which this low-key episode, placed only three slot before the finale, deflates like taking a buzz saw to a balloon.

#2 "Election Night" American Horror Story: Cult



I heard that the season improved beyond the first episode, but I could barely make it through half an hour, let alone 45 minutes. Ryan Murphy has never been particularly subtle about his social commentaries, but directly including the 2016 election in the narrative was a step too far. Billie Lourd's millennial liberal character does the best at hitting the tragicomic tone he was going for, but everything else is painfully on the nose, and then he has the gall to throw in a bunch of clowns for no reason. It's horror via sledgehammer, with no thought to the nuance of what makes people actually afraid.

#1 "Kevin Hart / Foo Fighters" SNL



SNL has had a very satisfying season, but to end the year it seems like they backloaded every bad idea they've had over the entire year. I've never been a huge fan of Kevin Hart, but this episode played to his worst strengths, focusing on sketches about pooping your pants, llama boners, old men being fat, and... well, one sketch I'm pretty sure didn't actually have jokes. The two best sketches were the commercial parody "Christmas Jewelry" and Weekend Update, and those had the common denominator of Hart being nowhere near them. There's just less and less space for his "safe" (read: sexist) vein of family comedy, and his endless mugging is just exhausting. But that said, nobody could have saved the anemic content of this episode, so it's not all his fault. Just mostly.

Best New Show: The Handmaid's Tale



I'm not usually one for prestige dramas where every line of dialogue is performed at a whisper and every other scene begins with someone staring out a window with gauzy curtains, but the evangelical dystopia it presents is a fascinating world with obvious political allegory, populated with interesting and complex characters. Also, it gets bonus points because I read the book and absolutely nothing happens, so every bit of delicious parlor room drama was cooked up wholecloth for the show.

Worst New Show: Anything Amazon Makes That Isn't More to Love



This year, Amazon introduced three new comedy pilots, none of which they picked up for series, which makes you wonder why they bothered in the first place. The biggest loss by far is Love You More, a Bridget Everett vehicle which had a diverse cast of indelible characters including overweight, elderly, and Downs Syndrome performers who are all treated like actual human beings. It was warm, funny, dirty, and unafraid to push the envelope, and it's a shame Amazon thinks we'd rather see more Z: The Beginning of Everything than this stellar show.

Best Netflix Show:
GLOW



Glow
 accomplished the impossible: It made me actually interested in wrestling. It's still not something I have any urge to watch, but this show - about the creation of women's wrestling and the Hollywood rejects who found a second chance through it - really facilitates understanding with the art form, and every single character is hilarious, delightfully 80's, and worth digging into deeper. This show is warm as hell, and it loves everyone in its motley crew, no matter how strange.

Worst Netflix Show: Friends From College



As much as I love Cobie Smulders and Keegan Michael-Key and am so glad that Jae Suh Park is getting a showcase, Friends from College is an eldritch nightmare of a series, attempting to wring humor from a concept that has no idea what it's supposed to be.

Best Returning Show: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend



Every season, the nature of what the "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend" is has changed, but in the third and possibly final season (considering the ratings this poor show has been getting), but in this season the "crazy" revolves around the central character's struggles with her own mental health, a journey that started at the beginning of the show, but reaches its darkest moments here in a journey that's just starting to go uphill. It's a tremendously raw, tender look at a truly modern journey, and the parody musical numbers continue to be the best things about TV this decade.

Worst Returning Show: Will & Grace



It's fun to spend time with these sets and characters over the course of a ten minute viral video, but the nostalgia factor doesn't extend for an entire season. The series had some interesting plot elements revolving around the realities of aging in the gay world, but it was (and has always been) too toothless to really do anything truly insightful with them. It's a laugh track-laden relic from the 90's, and while it was diverting enough to sit through occasionally, there's really nothing they have to offer.

Best Cancelled Show: Haters Back Off!!



Miranda Sings is a character that revels in being the most disgusting, off-putting thing you've ever seen onscreen. It makes sense that her Netflix series died on the vine, but it was a clever, delightful show that was unafraid to go for the gross-out, and I'll certainly miss it. Also this season made the genius decision to cast Matt Besser as Miranda's absentee father, and I regret that we won't get to spend more time with him.

Worst Cancelled Show: Baby Daddy



Deep in the darkness of those TV channels you never flip to, there is a secret enclave of sitcoms that seem to have been cryogenically frozen since 1993 and thawed periodically for six generic, mind-bogglingly unfunny, laugh track-fueled seasons.

Best Actor: Timothy Olyphant (Santa Clarita Diet)


I can't say I'd ever pegged Olyphant as a comedy actor, but his manic attempts to maintain normalcy in his family while his wife slowly transforms into a rotting, flesh-eating zombie are truly hilarious. He does a lot of work with a single yelp or smile, and he's the shining light of a show that I liked very much but didn't love.

Worst Actress: Nicole Kidman's Accent (Big Little Lies)


Why is it so hard for producers to just let her be Australian? Her American accent has never been perfect, but it wouldn't interfere with my enjoyment of the show if I didn't have to listen to her choke down her native tongue.

Best Actress: Nicole Kidman's Wig (Big Little Lies)


God bless those wigs, they work so hard for her.

Biggest Surprise: That Best Picture Announcement


Everyone had their own two cents about the accidental announcement that La La Land won Best Picture at the Oscars this year, only to be revealed that Moonlight was the actual winner. But I think it was a sublime moment of television. In this fragmented media age, there's not really been a water cooler moment this epic in years. I say bring back Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty for every award next year!

Biggest Disappointment: I Couldn't Include Insecure on My "Best Episodes" List


I really enjoy Issa Rae's HBO series Insecure, which ran for a second season this year, but while the series as a whole was great, I couldn't think of a single standout episode to call out as particularly great. Every episode is one puzzle piece adding to the mosaic that was the season, and placing one of them on a pedestal just didn't seem fair. But I didn't want to let this list go by without shouting out the show, so here it is!

Best Theme Song: Will & Grace



I've always loved this theme song. It's like capturing warm, homey,  nostalgia in a bottle, and the best thing about the show returning is getting to hear this tune emanating from my TV once more.

Worst Theme Song: Non-Theme Songs


From Riverdale to Dear White People, more and more shows are opting to just have a title card with a three second musical sting as an intro piece. Whatever happened to the art of a theme song? I know it makes it hard to binge shows on Netflix, but there's something Pavlovian and nostalgic about hearing the same song introduce a show each week, and there are so many good title sequences out there. It's kind of sad that I had to go back to the 90's to find one to laud this time around.

Best SNL Sketch: "La La Land Interrogation"


Basically, this is a satire of any conversation I had with any human being last December. And I was the cops. (Although I did see Moonlight and found it mostly underwhelming).

Worst SNL Sketch: "Dive Bar"


Ryan Gosling is involved in both of the sketches I mentioned, and it's a shame that the one actually featuring his talents was such a wash. He broke so much during the night that his giggling here doesn't have the impact it could have had, and letting this truly weird nonsense sketch fall on Kenan's shoulders was a terrible idea. The man is a trouper, but he has only ever done one thing, and that is mug at the camera while letting bad comedy flail around him.

Best Musical Performance: "Singin' in the Rain / Umbrella" Tom Holland (Lip Sync Battle)


Skip to 1:42 in the video and get ready to have your mind blown. Tom Holland was chosen to play Spider-Man partially because he came pre-packaged with rad acrobatic talents, but he really brings them to the fore here in this tremendously energetic musical mash-up for the ages.

Worst Musical Performance: "Bon Appetit" Katy Perry feat. Migos (SNL)


Oh boy, how could I possibly pick the most awkward and discomfiting part of this performance? Maybe how Katy Perry spends most of the first minute and a half lying down, crushing her diaphragm so it's difficult to sing? Or the way the dancers and then the rap trio Migos awkwardly clamber onto the table when it's their turn to perform? No, it has to be Perry's fumbling dance moves during the rap break, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt just how soul-crushingly white a person can be.

Best Use of a Song: "Boobs in California" (Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt)


I'm so glad Titus compromised his morals to perform this for a local songwriter, because "Boobs in California" is a great parody song on its own, but the self-consciously fey performance adds a beautiful extra layer of irony to the best thing that Kimmy Schmidt has thus far brought to the zeitgeist. And its frequent reuse at perfect times throughout the rest of the season is an excellent world-building gag that always brings a sparkle to the show.

Worst Use of a Song: "Feeling Good" (The Handmaid's Tale)


The Handmaid's Tale was nothing if not heavy-handed with its song choices, but a faux-inspiring moment accompanied by the strains of "Birds flying high, you know how I feel..." borders on self-parody. It's such a clunker that it falls straight into the dirt, burrowing to the core of the earth and sending a geyser of lava all over the screen.

Best Guest Star: Portia De Rossi (Santa Clarita Diet)


Portia de Rossi is the pot of gold at the end of Santa Clarita Diet, barging in during the last two episodes with a Mary Poppins bag full of laughs as a scientist with zero ability to relate to other human beings.

Worst Guest Star: Sean Spicer (The Emmys)


I mean, I know this administration is a joke, but actually letting them make jokes tacitly implies that what they're doing is normal and worth weak ribs from an awards show presenter. We all know Sean Spicer is a liar, but having him admit so himself isn't funny. It's just sad that everyone is letting this happen.

Best Commercial: "Pool Boy" Coca-Cola


This commercial has it all. Sex appeal. LGBT representation. And a knock-down, drag-out attitude that should be relatable to anyone with a sibling.

Worst Commercial: "Roundabout" Toyota


Is it just me, or are ads getting too surreal? You do have to make a point about the product you're selling. And is this a pair of quadruplets running a con? Is this a man who committed some past sin he's atoning for in roundabout purgatory? What about this would make me want to buy a truck? I'm so confused.

Top Five Pretty Guys

#5 Joseph Fiennes (The Handmaid's Tale)


Yes, his character is an evil man who has committed unconscionable acts, but that doesn't mean we have to yuck the yum that is Joseph Fiennes the actor. Good work, my dude.

#4 KJ Apa (Riverdale)


I literally can't even with the fact that the guy getting the most attention in the Riverdale cast is Cole Sprouse. Teenybopper magazines can never get over the brooding characters, no matter how annoying they are. But come on! Archie has always been where it's at, and KJ Apa obliges us with a shirtless shot at least once every three episodes.

#3 Dear White People Ensemble




Whether your preferred flavor is clean-cut jock, hipster chic, or whatever the hell Marque Richardson wants us to call him, Dear White People has something for you.

#2 Insecure Ensemble



I think the title of the show refers exclusively to how these men make me feel about my own body. Also, just when you think Y'lan Noel is the hottest person to ever step foot on HBO, in comes Jay Ellis to take off his shirt, revealing that there's more to his character than the geeky persona that first meets the eye.

#1 Miguel Ángel Silvestre (Sense8)


It would take a hell of an expensive lawyer to gather enough evidence to convince me that Miguel Ángel Silvestre isn't objectively the most beautiful man on the planet.

Bonus: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Grab Bag



One thing that Crazy-Ex Girlfriend is good at is casting bit players who steal the scene, whether it's the suave, suited incarnation of the Santa Ana Winds (Eric Michael Roy), or the Brazilian swim-up bartender (Mano Agapion) who shakes that drink oh-so right.

<------- Read the MOVIES section here               Read the MUSIC & MISC. section here ------>
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2017 Flashback: Music & Miscellaneous

<----- Read the TV section here                                                

MUSIC

Top Ten Songs of 2017

#10 "Hold My Heart" Lindsey Stirling ft. ZZ Ward


How do you rescue a pretty generic soft-EDM track from itself? Add a heaping helping of Lindsey Stirling's violin, effortlessly blending with the electronic bed around it to synthesize classical musicianship with a breezy modern sound.

#9 "The Cure" Lady Gaga


Lady Gaga's most recent album Joanne left me very cold, but this random single she spewed out in the aftermath of that country/rock-inflected sprawl is infectiously danceable. There's really not much more I can say about it than that, but sometimes that's all a song needs to be. If you're feeling down, just click play and feel your worries melt away for three minutes at a time.

#8 "Cut to the Feeling" Carly Rae Jepsen


In the background, Carly Rae Jepsen has been pumping out solid pop singles in the years since "Call Me Maybe," but this year's standout is by far "Cut to the Feeling," written for the instantly forgotten animated film Leap. The opening verse isn't as strong as it could be, nor is the repetitive bridge, but once the chorus smacks you in the face with its soaring candy vocals, it proves to be one of the strongest pop confections of the year.

#7 "Slow Hands" Niall Horan


Am I surprised that my favorite solo One-Directioner has turned out to be the shy Irishman Niall Horan? You bet your sweet bippy I am. But Horan has been exploring a side of himself that feels actually genuine, landing on the top 40 without clearly straining to be included in the pop music zeitgeist. His stripped-down hit "This Town" was also pretty solid, but "Slow Hands" is a syrupy, sexy track that defies everything I've ever felt about this boy band ex-pat, bumping and grinding along with an acoustic guitar riff and a relaxed, totally compelling lyrical seduction.

#6 "Green Light" Lorde


Lorde is certainly good at blending different musical influences, and "Green Light" is a track that takes you on a real journey. From the staccato stabs of lyrics that thrash you around the verse like a choppy, iceberg-laden sea to the chorus's Billy Joel piano riff that sweeps you straight into the sky with its soaring melody, everything in Lorde's best single is as fresh and unusual as her debut, which frankly pretty much everybody thought would amount to just a one-hit wonder.

#5 "Thunder" Imagine Dragons


I've never had an interest in Imagine Dragons. They just blended in with all the other recent bands that sounded like they exclusively played on instruments made before the 1800's. But "Thunder" utilizes an electronic vocal that never fails to prick my ear and some beautiful drum stings that unsubtly but satisfyingly evoke booming claps of thunder. Sure the lyrics are a little inane, and the lead singer's attempt at pseudo-rapping proves his whiteness by rhyming with the word "foyer," but I have a lot of fun with this one. Also that video is straight bananas.

#4 "Praying" Kesha


I've been waiting so long for new Kesha music. Her 2012 album Warrior was a triumph of pop artistry and the fact that her career was put on hold by a sexual assault allegation toward her producer Dr. Luke and subsequent court case is just unconscionable, both for her as a human being and for us as a world in need of perfect pop singles. But suddenly, out of the blue, "Praying" came to us on a golden lightning bolt. It's a perfect comeback single, showcasing her range as a singer while crystallizing everything that went unsaid for five long years in a beautiful, heartbreaking paean to rage, hurt, healing, and forgiveness. And if that high note shatters my eardrums, then so be it, because if that's the last thing I ever hear, I have led a blessed life.

#3 "Redbone" Childish Gambino


And the award for Most Funkiest Song in the History of Ever goes to... Childish Gambino really goes out of his way to transform his voice into the human embodiment of pure, breathy sex, accompanied by the best funk riff I've heard in decades.

#2 "Let 'Em Talk" Kesha ft. Eagles of Death Metal


When Kesha's Rainbow finally dropped, it provided an intriguing, vital mix of inspirational/haters-back-off pop and wickedly sharp girl power country, but "Let 'Em Talk" combines all the themes of the album with a rip-roaring rock 'n roll beat provided by one of her weirder musical collaborators, the Eagles of Death Metal. Their personalities collide in this kinetic, infectiously catchy middle finger to the world.

#1 "The Valley" Betty Who


There's only one pop musician out there who could possibly have summoned the strength to knock a Kesha song out of the number one slot, and that's the Aussie pop princess Betty Who. "The Valley" is the intro track to her album of the same name, and while that album was satisfying if a little thin, this track is a stunning piece that crystallizes a melancholy mood in a perfect minute and a half of gorgeous, lush a cappella harmony.

Bottom Five Songs of 2017

#5 "Body Like a Back Road" Sam Hunt


I think part of the reason I hate this song is how easily it gets stuck in my head. It's deviously simple, basically a jump rope rhyme that is designed to drill straight into your hippocampus. And what woman wants to be compared to a dirt road full of skid marks? At this point, I'd much rather be a wonderland.

#4 "Look What You Made Me Do" Taylor Swift


Now, I'm not as down on this song as the general populace immediately turned out to be, but it's a poor representation of her new album (which is basically generic "dark" pop that she already attempted to pull off years ago with "I Knew You Were Trouble") and a supremely irritating song. It's trying to galvanize her public identity in a way that flies in the face of all the work she's been doing to avoid taking responsibility for not speaking out against Trump or sexual predators in any way, shape, or form despite ostensibly being an outspoken feminist singer. I'm willing to grant her her silence and privacy, but not if she's going to be so loud about it. It's pure hypocrisy wrapped up in a shiny, staccato package.

#3 "Strip That Down" Liam Payne


I'm not going to pretend I expected art from the solo works of One Direction members (although, frankly, half of them seem to think they're producing it), but this R&B-aping solo track from The Shy One is a nauseatingly misguided decision.

#2 "Save as Draft" Katy Perry


I've heard my share of bad inspirational girlpop songs, but you know Perry is scraping the bottom of her creative barrel when the best metaphor she can come up with involves a Microsoft Word document.

#1 "Gucci Gang" Lil Pump


I know I've criticized certain songs in the past for being repetitive, but I take that all back because I've discovered the nadir of unnecessary rap repetition and nothing else seems quite as bad anymore. The only reason this one isn't number 1 is because it's blissfully short, just a baby's breath over two minutes.

Rap Success:
Cardi B


I still don't know what "Bodak Yellow" means, but Cardi B's surprise megahit shattered records left and right, and the success of a solo female black artist is something we really need in this day and age. Bring on single #2!

Rap Fail: Eminem


Wait, suddenly we're accepting Eminem as a nice person again just because he stumbled through a lame rap about the President? No, thank you.

Biggest Surprise: Niall is the Best 1D Solo Member


When One Direction broke up, I can't say I was particularly excited to hear any of their solo work, but I especially can't say I was anticipating hearing from Niall, by far the most bland member of the group, who got into their fair share of hijinks as the years went on. But Zayn jumped on the crummy R&B bandwagon, Liam attempted to grab the bumper of that wagon and fell in the mud, Harry became a proto-Mick Jagger yawnrock purveyor, Louis dropped off the face of the Earth, and Niall... delivered a super solid selection of folk rock acoustic songs. Who knew he had it in him?

Biggest Disappointment: Taylor Swift is pure evil


I mean, we all knew that Taylor Swift was a corporation more than she was a human being, but two things this year really lit my fire: First, other than the singles, her new album Reputation had every track set at "album only," which means you have to buy the entire album in order to download any particular song. I know moneymaking isn't what it used to be in the music business, but that is scary evil. Then on Black Friday she had the grace to discount her album. By three dollars. To $16. Why discount it at all? It's just cruel how tight-pursed she has become, but I guess that's how you stay at number one.

Best Bonus Track: "Godzilla" Kesha


Now, this is exactly what a bonus track should be. An acoustic little noodle that wouldn't quite fit on an actual album, "Godzilla" is still a delightful, sweetly hilarious gem of a song (in fact, she recorded it because her mother wrote it and she fell in love with its romantic sense of humor).

Best Music Video: "Boys" Charli XCX


Sometimes, simple is all you need. Throw a bunch of blink-and-miss-it cameos from handsome celebrities onto a pastel background and you have yourself an endlessly engrossing three minutes with a fun little chirpy pop tune.

Worst Music Video: "Sign of the Times" Harry Styles


There's nothing worse than a music video that's just boring. Like, I could have been listening to this song while washing the dishes or doing something productive, but instead I'm just sitting here watching you mope about on a hill. He does disrupt the boredom when he randomly starts flying, and the effects are pretty stellar, but then it becomes one of the silliest things ever broadcast. There's something about his posture that's just so inane, and I'll never stop giggling whenever certain shots hit.

Best Song for a Movie: "Dusk Till Dawn" Sia & Zayn (The Mountain Between Us)


The Mountain Between Us was an entirely forgettable, very nearly good-bad movie, but as soon as the credits rolled, it became clear that this duet was the single best thing about the film. Maybe it was just good in comparison to just shy of two hours of icy staring, but it was a fun way to wrap up an only OK night.

Worst Song for a Movie: "Never Forget" Michelle Pfeiffer


Something tells me she only signed on to star in Murder on the Orient Express if they agreed to let her sing a song over the credits.

Best Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Song: "I Go to the Zoo"


Season three of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend has been a spectacular ride, but one of the biggest surprises was this music video, parodying Drake in a loving, hilariously childish way. The way the language switches between the verse and the chorus is just sublime.

Worst Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Song: "What a Rush to Be a Bride"


Look, I get the joke. Juxtaposing this cutesy sentiment with black metal is funny. But it doesn't mean I want to listen to it for two minutes.

Best Guilty Pleasure: "Just Hold On" Louis Tomlinson & Steve Aoki


This list is really dominated by One Direction ex-pats, but they've really been the talking points this year. Well, except poor Louis, whose single got buried under a mound of poor publicity. But this track with Steve Aoki is an undeniable ear worm, even if the vocals are a bit rough and the lyrics are, frankly, insipid. Hey, a pleasure is a pleasure, but I do feel the slightest bit of shame looking at that play count in the corner of iTunes whenever this comes on. I've listened to this waaaay too many times.

Worst Guilty Pleasure: "Feel it Still" Portugal. The Man


At first, when this song was in one commercial, it was an enjoyable little riff. But then it was in more commercials. And trailers. And stores. And the charts. And you realize the manufactured happiness of the song is nothing but an emotional cheese grater rubbing against your brain, propagated by irritating hipsters who think their band name's alt-grammar is ever so cool.

Best Album Cover: Melodrama, Lorde


What can I say, I'm a sucker for a bold color scheme.

Worst Album Cover: Witness, Katy Perry


Look, I know I've been dumping on poor Katy this year, but seriously? First of all, you're ripping off the poster for The Theatre Bizarre. Second of all, why are you riffing on horror imagery for an album full of two-bit double entendres? The strategy on this whole album is just incomprehensible.

Best Cover Song: "Old Flames (Can't Hold a Candle to You)" Kesha feat. Dolly Parton


I know this list has a lot of Kesha, but cut me some slack. It's been five years, and I need an outlet. Kesha has covered "Old Flames" before on her acoustic album, because she has a very personal relationship with the song. Her mom actually wrote it for Dolly way back in the day. But nothing could beat getting Ms. Parton herself on the track, and their voices collide in a beautiful hurricane of nostalgia and emotion.

Top Five Pretty Guys

#5 Adam Levine


He has been on this list before, and he will be again. What can I say?

#4 Calvin Harris


Is it just me, or is he trying to look like a blonde Tom Hardy this year? Either way, it works for me.

#3 Childish Gambino


I think this entire list is made up of repeat offenders, but what can a guy do? The music industry hasn't really changed that much, and neither have the beautiful men.

#2 Zayn


I care for his music not one bit, but his face is a different story entirely.

#1 Joe Jonas


Dude was literally an underwear model this year. Come on.

Bonus: Shameful Bro Country Crushes




"Bro country" is maybe the worst subgenre in American music history, but Sam Hunt, Thomas Rhett, and Jacob Davis at least cover their shame in beautiful wrapping paper.

Here's Some Stuff That I Did in 2017

Pod People



Hopefully you're aware that I do a horror movie review podcast called Scream 101 (links in the sidebar), but things at my podcast network are doing surprisingly well! We added a new pop culture show called Cast Party that I'm co-hosting with my high school drama teacher Dave, as well as a slasher review show called Keep Screaming, hosted by my friends Ryan Larson and Bee Bass! Frankly, I wish I was a host on that show, but nothing can keep me from coming on as a guest at some point.

Geek K. O.



I always love it when I'm invited to run a round of geek trivia on Geek K. O., the podcast co-hosted by my friend Justin Madriaga. And this year I got to visit them four times, to talk Friday the 13th, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Alien, and Christmas horror flicks!

Kill by Kill



This was the year of me guesting on podcasts, and I got invited to be on another one of my favorites, the Friday the 13th podcast Kill by Kill, which runs through the characters in the film death by death. On my episode, episode 21, we talked about the requisite Sex Couple Eddie and Tina and had a lot of fun doing it!

Blumhouse.com



Although the site unfortunately shut down this summer, I contributed many articles to the horror blog run by Blumhouse Productions, by far the coolest job I've ever gotten, and the reason I have any Instagram followers.

Shock Waves



Speaking of Blumhouse... I was invited on their horror podcast Shock Waves to talk recently seen flicks and LGBT horror movies with Happy Death Day director Christopher Landon. It was a blast, and appropriately I guess, it was episode number 69. Check it out!

Bad Kids of Crestview Academy DVD



See that quote on the back that says "A truly twisted high school movie" and is attributed to Eric Walkuski? Well, I wrote that. My editor at JoBlo got the credit thanks to a mix-up from the publicist, but hey. Maybe it's for the best that my first name blurb isn't on Bad Kids of Crestview Academy.

Ghastly Grinning



Also this year, I began writing a weekly column for the positivity-in-horror site Ghastly Grinning called the Horror Sommelier, where I pair the weekend's upcoming theatrical releases with older horror films for the perfect double feature.

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