I'm Sick And Tired Of These Conspiracy-Fighting Commuters On This Monday To Friday Train

Year: 2018

Director: Jaume Collet-Serra

Cast: Liam Neeson, Vera Farmiga, Patrick Wilson 

Run Time: 1 hour 45 minutes

MPAA Rating: PG-13

Jaume Collet-Serra is best known - by those who are aware of him at all - for his inescapable work with Liam Neeson over the past decade (Non-Stop, Run All Night, Unknown), and yet I've seen basically every item in his filmography save for those. And from the angle I'm using, I enjoy him very much. House of Wax was a gleefully gory, surprisingly solid mid-2000's remake, Orphan was a fizzy and delightful B-picture, and The Shallows was a perfect summer movie that proves the killer shark genre still has some juice left in it. So I was excited to explore his newest film, now that I've really had the chance to get down and dirty with him.

Let's just say I'll gladly sign up for his next horror effort, but I'll need a LOT of convincing before I approach another one of these action projects.

In The Commuter, Michael MacCauley (Liam Neeson) is an Irish ex-pat who keeps a crummy job at an insurance agency to support his wife Karen (Elizabeth McGovern) and son Danny (Dean-Charles Chapman), who figure into the story exactly as little as you might expect. One day, after getting fired from his job, a mysterious woman (Vera Farmiga) approaches him on the train, offering him $100,000 if he can find the person on the train who does not belong, who is currently going under the alias Prynne. He isn't told what will happen to this person once he finds them, but one can assume they're not receiving a giant novelty check.

Wondering how ol' Neeson's gonna punchify his way through this one? Well, you see, it turns out the man is an ex-cop, so he relies on his skills, his ex-partner Alex Murphy (Patrick Wilson), and his relationship with the local chief (Sam Neill) to find Prynne, evade capture by the increasingly suspicious train authorities, and fight his way through various goon-shaped obstacles as it turns out Vera is just one head of a massive hydra conspiracy that has eyes and ears everywhere. But once he finds his quarry, he will be faced with this moral quandary: should he save this person from harm or save his family, who at some point during this whole shebang have their lives vaguely threatened.

Look, this whole movie is basically just Liam Neeson Mad Libs; they pretty much expect you to be able to fill in the blanks as needed.

"I'm 60 years of age!" shouts Liam Neeson in an early scene, helpfully underscoring just how useless the script is going to be the entire time. It's almost quaint, the way the dialogue just plain fails to sound like anything a human being has said since the beginning of time. I'd perhaps even call it Agatha Christie-esque, if I was feeling at all charitable, which I am certainly not. 

Because Liam Neeson needs as much information as possible to further the twists and turns of the mystery of who Prynne is, each and every suspect immediately spouts a wealth of detail and insight into their motivations when even slightly prodded. Even if they have up to this point found Neeson to be a frightening and erratic presence that they want to avoid at all costs, they spill the beans on their darkest secrets like they're characters in a Nancy Drew video game and he handed them the right item to unlock their clues. 

Nobody here is an actual dimensional character, least of all this "conspiracy" that fuels the entire conflict. At no point do we get a sense of who they are or what they want, except in the sense that conspiracies are Bad. This vast city-wide crime ring is also completely forgotten by the time the plot tangles itself into such a tight knot the movie is forced to end so it doesn't strangle itself. But I shouldn't bother myself too hard about it, because they don't seem particularly competent anyway. The vague threats to his family that I mentioned earlier are exactly that: his family is mentioned in a phone call but never actually directly threatened. I guess Vera hoped the power of implication would override the fact that they have absolutely zero leverage over this guy, who literally never even remotely considers the possibility that he should stop being a hero to save his loved ones.

I mean, he's had his fair share of action movie families, so I guess it's easy to forget why you care about this particular one.

Jaume Collet-Serra as a visual artist does bring a little more pep and zazz to the proceedings than your average workaday Joe Blow, especially in an opening montage that zips through a week of commuting, showcasing the monotonous, yet subtly different patterns that a weekday warrior can fall into. But no matter how many times he Murder on the Orient Expresses his train by zooming through the entire length, or moves the frame through a tiny hole in a punched ticket, there's no avoiding the fact that this is a pretty run-of-the-mill experience through and through.

The Commuter never shakes that sense of fatigue, especially when it's running through the too-long list of options for Prynne. The characters aren't memorable enough to capture the attention (save for the obligatory asshole banker character who must appear in all movies starring a random scattering of people from all walks of life, who provides Liam Neeson the opportunity to make the most clunky defense of the American middle class that the world of cinema has ever seen), and there's just so many to get through that it just feels endless. 

And when the third act finally kicks in, it makes such a bizarre hash out of police operating procedure and character motivations that it's almost like you slipped into an entirely different, substantially worse movie that goes on for even longer. At least the opening hour had a kind of manic energy thanks to Liam Neeson's natural gravitas, but that all drains directly into the dirt long before the credits roll.

The Commuter is a better January action choice than Proud Mary ever was, as you can potentially have a reasonably amount of fun by turning your brain off and taking the ride. But it would probably be more fun to just take an actual train trip somewhere. It would certainly be more stimulating.

TL;DR: The Commuter weaves a tangled web of plot that even Liam Neeson can't escape from.

Rating: 5/10

Word Count: 1096

We've Got Spirits, Yes We Do!

For our Scream 101 episode about this film, click here.

Year: 2016

Director: James Wan

Cast: Patrick Wilson, Vera Farmiga, Frances O'Connor

Run Time: 2 hours 14 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

Really, the most spectacular thing about The Conjuring 2 is that original director James Wan actually returned for it after being offered a revolting amount of money to helm Furious 8. This is only the second sequel Wan has directed to one of his own films. While I was excited to see him returning for the follow-up to his pretty unequivocal best work, the last time he sequelized a movie, things got a little ugly. So it was with more than a little trepidation that I approached this one, but I can now officially say with a sigh of relief that The Conjuring 2 is leagues better than Insidious: Chapter 2.

Although that bar is so low it’s practically subterranean.

So, the plot. The Conjuring 2 has a more satisfying, tighter story than the original, although it necessarily runs into some of the same pitfalls: this film still has no idea whether it’s dealing with a ghost or a demon and in the process of telling its “true story” it continues to stolidly profess the undying verisimilitude of infamous paranormal hucksters Ed and Lorraine Warren (Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga), something that always rubs my ectoplasm the wrong way.

But anyway, this – after all – is just a movie. It’s 1977. The Warrens are taking a sabbatical after an experience at a haunted house in Amityville (never heard of it)  has left Lorraine rattled. Their post-Amityville media tour has also gone haywire, with naysayers denying their claims left and right. When the church asks them to investigate a happening in England  (to make sure it’s not just one more of a rash of hoaxes before they get involved), Ed convinces Lorraine to come along because they never deny a family in need.

The family in question is down-on-her-luck matriarch Peggy Hodgson (Frances O’Connor) and her four children. Her youngest girl, Janet (Madison Wolfe) has become a conduit for a spirit who died in their house that has been tormenting them for weeks, or so they claim. Is this a real paranormal event or a ploy to get better housing? The Warrens are joined by believer Dr. Gross (Simon McBurney) and skeptic Anita Gregory (Franka Potente) to document the case.

Roll film, Lola, roll film!

There are certain things The Conjuring 2 does very well that utilize its nature as a sequel to actually better itself. The rapport between audiences and the Warrens has already been built, but instead of leaning on that crutch to paper up some quick and dirty exposition, screenwriters Chad and Carey Hayes (with Wan) use this to deepen their relationship and take it to the next level. You see, around the edges of this taut little supernatural shocker is a surprisingly rich love story. It’s not the most complex work in the world, but Farmiga and Wilson nail their chemistry. And the film’s structure commits to its tone, never allowing the romance to fade into the background, even in the gonzo third act setpiece where most movies of this ilk seem to forget that they were even telling a story at all, converting their characters into shrieking pinballs.

Now, the structure of the A-plot is a whole nother ballgame. While it’s much more linear and straightforward than the tangled mess woven by The Conjuring, at times it’s a hair too eager to tie up its loose ends. Two key plot points in the finale are solved with deus ex machina so brutally efficient that they shear off all but the barest residue of tension.

It’s a little too easy, like an episode of Dora the Explorer has been spliced onto the finale of an R-rated ghost story. Plus, the production design so viscerally yearns to foreshadow a third act reveal that you can practically feel it drooling over your shoulder. Imagine if M. Night Shyamalan had put little gravestones on Bruce Willis’ tie in The Sixth Sense, or put a huge poster of Ghost in his bedroom. This doesn’t ruin the flow of the movie in any terribly meaningful way, but it’s a bit of a letdown after a solid buildup.

I get let down, but I get up again. You’re never gonna keep me down, Hollywood.

A little better, a little worse. Seeing how this is a horror sequel, we should be glad to have any of the former, let alone in the abundance we get here. Before we move on, let’s step off at two more of these. First, the production design is astounding here, turning a crummy British subdivision into a gothic nightmare castle using oppressive slate greys, subtle decay, and a balls-to-the-wall flooded basement that makes an impression even among the endless parade of creepy basements that is the horror genre. And then there’s the comic relief, which is warm, perfectly spaced out, and genuinely humorous, striking a balance that the more overtly wacky Insidious movies haven’t yet achieved.

But what of the scares, Brennan? They are, after all, the reason $40 million worth of people went to see it this weekend. Rest assured, Wan brings his almost metronomic perfection at shooting and timing jump scares in a way that makes them seem unexpected and elegant. Of course, they’re only jump scares, but he does them so well. Probably the most chilling scene in the film is a single, drawn-out shot that slowly alters your perception of reality using camera focus, but – you know – the jumps are good too. There is a certain haphazard approach to the buildup of the scares, trundling out some Big Boos then expecting us to still get scared by rocking chairs and whatnot, but for the most part it gets the job done.

I’ve always said that James Wan has made a career out of cribbing tropes and elements from pre-existing horror classics and repackaging them for newer audiences. Of course that’s what happens here as well, although he has amassed a large enough body of work that he can start copying himself now, too: haunted toys, elderly ghosts, and women in face paint abound, along with quotations from The Exorcist (obviously), Poltergeist, The Haunting, and even newer properties like Sinister or Oculus. It gets a little wearisome at certain points, but the individual elements of the film are strong enough that even the weaker patches don’t dull the shine.

The Conjuring 2 is a terrific sequel, more or less succeeding at matching the tone and pace of the first film and even fostering some improvements. Its weaknesses are perhaps more glaring and bothersome, but you could hardly expect a better result for a haunted house Part 2.

TL;DR: The Conjuring 2 is a worthy sequel with some diminishing scares but the same sure-footed classicism as the original.

Rating: 7/10

Word Count: 1149
Reviews In This Series
The Conjuring (Wan, 2013)
Annabelle (Leonetti, 2014)
The Conjuring 2 (Wan, 2016)
The Nun (Hardy, 2018)
The Curse of La Llorona (Chaves, 2019)

Haunted Mansion

Year: 2013

Director: James Wan
Cast: Patrick Wilson, Vera Farmiga, Lili Taylor
Run Time: 1 hour 52 minutes
MPAA Rating: R

James Wan has found a niche and he's sticking to it. The Conjuring shares many of the same triumphs (and failures) as its predecessor, Insidious. Although, because it has an R-rating, it is necessarily one step above its baby brother.

The Conjuring serves up a tight PG-13 type haunted house movie that compiles iconography from sources as varied as The Amityville Horror, The Twilight Zone, Paranormal Activity 3, The Exorcist, and even the 2013 megaflop Dark Skies. And for a while, it is content to run along much on the same track as Insidious - having multiple obvious sources but being a good enough compilation of classic elements to not feel like a complete ripoff. And, like I have mentioned previously, nobody is making good haunted house movies anymore, so maybe a return to basics is what we need right now.

Unfortunately, this is basics.

Based on the true case files of the Warrens, a married team of paranormal investigators, this movie takes place in the fall of 1971. Carolyn Perron (Taylor) and her husband (Ron Livingston) have just moved into a new house in Rhode Island with their five daughters. As if having to take care of five rambunctious girls wasn't horror enough, they begin to hear strange noises in the night.

A variety of ghostly things happen - mysterious odors, clocks stopping, pictures falling of the walls - and it's enough to make Carolyn seek out the help of Ed and Lorraine Warren (Wilson and Farmiga). Ed just wants to return home to their daughter but Lorraine has a giving heart and convinces him otherwise. Despite Something Horrible that happened to her on a previous case, she is determined to save this family (the girls have stuck a chord in her heart).

Without giving too much away, it turns out that a bevy of terrible things have happened on this very plot of land. Basically this house has a bloodier backstory than Jigsaw himself. I was well on my way to giving this film a 6/10 review (competent but uncreative) when the story took a sharp left turn and went from a halfway decent haunted house flick to an actually pretty good exorcism movie.

Now, it still owes a lot to previous movies but the tension is ramped up as sh!t really starts to hit the fan.  Unlike Insidious, the extended third act is what really holds this film together. If this means that James Wan's powers are only getting stronger, I am very excited for Insidious: Chapter 2's release in September.

So. Based on a true story. This gimmick is used quite a lot in the horror genre (off the top of my head we have The Blair Witch Project, The Exorcist, and The Amityville Horror) to add an extra dimension to the fear. If the audience thinks that what is happening really occurred to some poor family, we're entering pants-soiling territory here.

Although we may never know what actually happened, this film is in fact based on a true family. The Warrens were a team of demonologists that practiced for over 50 years. In fact, they were the pair that investigated the original Amityville Horror. Basically this couple is Zelda Rubinstein from Poltergeist for a living.

Now is it true? Are there demons in our universe trying to infest our souls? Maybe. Maybe not. Nobody will ever know for certain, but if not there are still enough bizarre disturbances to keep the Warrens in business, so that means there's gotta be something, right? OOOOoooooOOOOoooooOOOOOO.

Author's Note: As I write this, there is a mysterious knocking coming from upstairs. I believe somebody is hammering some kind of manly woodshop project, but I am entering Stage 3 Heebie Jeebies.

If you wanna check out the Warrens' website, click here. It is a spectacularly awful example of 90's web design (replete with terrible "spooky" MIDI music and - notably - one page with musical accompaniment by a group of Gregorian monks chanting "Boulevard of Broken Dreams"). It's actually a comfort, because it's much harder to take them seriously this way.

Although if my sources are correct, Ed Warren is what is known colloquially as a "babe."

TL;DR: A notch above Insidious, The Conjuring is content delivering effective but routine scares before it veers into a far more interesting arena.
Rating: 8/10
Should I Spend Money On This? Yes, absolutely. Especially because most modern audience members are less jaded than I am and will get a kick out of it.
Word Count: 775
Reviews In This Series
The Conjuring (Wan, 2013)
Annabelle (Leonetti, 2014)
The Conjuring 2 (Wan, 2016)
The Nun (Hardy, 2018)
The Curse of La Llorona (Chaves, 2019)