Ready for Takeoff

Tonight is a night my whole life has been preparing me for. Sergio and I are going to make the unnecessarily long trip to Lake Elsinore to see Basshunter, a Swedish Eurodance artist for whom I have an inexplicably strong affinity. I'm so excited that my joy and warmth spilling out all over everything so I'd like to cast my net wide for this special concert post with

TEN FANTASTIC THINGS TO THANK SWEDEN FOR

Literally everything I've ever encountered from Sweden is the best thing I've ever seen. Also I really just want a chance to write as many Swedish words as I can.

#10 The A*Teens

Members: Marie Serneholt, Dhani Lennevald, Sara Lumholdt, Amit Paul
Hometown: Stockholm

The ultimate 90's pop superstars for a good 13 seconds, The A*Teens were a Swedish teen quartet that started off doing ABBA covers but then exploded onto the scene with songs that are still stuck in the heads of people my age.

#9 The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

Original Title: Män som hatar kvinnor
Author: Stieg Larsson
Hometown: Skellefteå

Hugely successful book series leading to a hugely successful Swedish film series leading to... well, Daniel Craig was in it. Anyhow, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo captured the imaginations of the American literary world in a way that hadn't been seen since Harry Potter ended. Although the first book was full of dry business dealings, audiences fell in love with the tough as nails Lisbeth Salander and stuck with her for two more books (and would have continued to do so had the author's premature death not rendered that an impossibility).

#8 Noomi Rapace

Hometown: Hudiksvall

The best gift the Swedish film series could ever have given us. Noomi Rapace's talents successfully made the crossover to America in films like Prometheus and Sherlock Holmes: Shadows of the Colossus. Or whatever it was called.

#7 IKEA

CEO: Peter Agnefjäll
Hometown: Älmhult

OK, everybody knows by now that IKEA instructions were written by the devil. But building IKEA furniture is a great bonding experience. Watching Shannon build a desk singlehandedly really makes you respect her infinitely. And hey. Cheap, colorful furniture and meatballs. I'm not complaining.

#6 Alexander Skarsgård

Hometown: Stockholm

Just look.

#5 Let the Right One In

Original Title: Låt den Rätte Komma In
Author: John Ajivide Lindqvist
Hometown: Blackeberg

People have certainly by now heard of this Swedish vampire film and its surprisingly well-received American remake. But did you know it all started in 2004 with one of the best vampire books ever written? The movies might be intense, but the book is utterly horrifying in ways that could never be committed to celluloid. I strongly suggest that any horror fan pick up a copy. Swedish fiction is intense, man.

#4 The Sounds

Members: Maja Ivarsson, Félix Rodríguez, Johan Bengtsson, Jesper Anderberg, Fredrik Blond
Hometown: Helsingborg

The Sounds fueled my entire first semester of college. This Swedish rock group makes great use of alternative... sounds. Their interesting aural aesthetic is what drew me to them and their chick power rock is what made me stay. Also they were featured heavily on the Scream 4 soundtrack so you know I'm down for that.

#3 H&M

CEO: Karl-Johan Persson
Hometown: Västerås

Basically the place where all my outfits are born. Maybe Sweden is so full of snow that everything they produce needs to be colorful to combat the overwhelming white. I'm not sure, but I do know I am forever in debt to Swedish fashions for being brave enough to actually use colorful dye in their men's clothes.

#2 ABBA

Members: Agnetha Fältskog, Björn Ulvaeus, Benny Andersson, Anni-Frid Lyngstad
Hometown: Stockholm

Don't you ever talk down on ABBA unless you want a knuckle sandwich. Their genre-spanning pop  is one of the most important and artistically viable musical acts of the 70's. Sure, they can be over the top, campy, and sparkly, but from the hits all the way down to the deep tracks, ABBA has been committed to trying new things in disco and their magical influence can still be seen today.

#1 Robyn

Hometown: Stockholm

For a long time being one of the best kept secrets of the dance world, Robyn recently hit it big with "Call Your Girlfriend," a massive pop sensation that perfectly combined her unique lyrical lilt and infectious energy. Robyn is the dance-pop/punk whiz kid the world never knew it needed.
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1D 3D

Year: 2013

Cast: Louis Tomlinson, Zayn Malik, Niall Horan, Liam Payne, Harry Styles

Director: Morgan Spurlock

Run Time: 1 hour 32 minutes

MPAA Rating: PG

The biggest problem inherent in making a One Direction documentary is that none of them have been alive all that long, really. At 21, Louis Tomlinson is the eldest, and how many truly insightful stories does a 21-year-old have to tell?

Granted, much has happened in One Direction's meteoric rise to fame since the seventh series of The X Factor in 2010. But the fact still stands that this entire documentary spans what would be the fifteen minute "early life" segment of any other artist's onscreen story. Heck, even 28-year-old Katy Perry has lived veritable eons compared to these fresh-faced young lads (And don't even get me started on Katy Perry: Part of Me, which I can say with no guilt is my favorite documentary film).

Suffice it to say, One Direction: This Is Us just couldn't have had enough to say to justify a 92 minute feature, and really it doesn't. It's just a corporate product shoved out by Syco Entertainment in an attempt to ride the tidal wave that is 1D's success before it evaporates into thin air.

I am being relentlessly bitter here because I can afford it. You see, One Direction: This Is Us has a few tricks up its sleeve. First and foremost is director Morgan Spurlock who, despite his films' spurious claims having recently come under fire, is a darn good documentarian, perhaps the first veteran doc filmmaker to tackle a project of This Is Us's bubblegum magnitude.

With a strong hand at the wheel and the boys' charming personalities at the forefront, it might not have a lot to tell, but the manner in which it is told is flashy, precise, and a lot of fun.

Shirtless boys provide a valuable thematic arc throughout.

The beginning of the film is, by no coincidence, the first song of their 2013 concert tour and right off the bat This Is Us proves itself as a work of cinema. Summertime popcorn cinema, yes, but there is a lot of talent behind (and in front of) the camera. Crisply shot and thrillingly edited, the opening sequence pairs modern quick cuts and flashy cutaways with a more traditional sense of introducing characters and location (let us never forget that documentaries and fiction are very similar in the way they tell stories).

Concert footage thankfully doesn't dominate and the songs get room to breathe as we delve into the history and interactions of these five boys. Their interrelationship is at the forefront as it should be, and it is not hard to see that there's a lot of love and attention that goes into keeping One Direction what it is - a purely enjoyable experience no matter how you slice it.

Or pants it.

And for once in a concert doc, the 3D is put to good use. While the staging of a One Direction concert is fairly simple (empty stage, big ol' screens behind them), the material displayed onscreen during the performance is laid over and intercut with the live footage in a way that makes the performances immensely tactile and aesthetically pleasing. These creative twists elevate the movie from simply repeating a live show, a trap which their previous DVD venture Up All Night: The Live Tour enthusiastically fell into.

There were less shirtless boys in that one.

Now if you'll allow me to indulge myself for a couple of paragraphs, I'd like to discuss the nature of One Direction's appeal. They've oft been criticized for being just another dumb boy band that girls wet themselves over and love them though I do, this isn't exactly far from the truth (It's a mark of my professionalism that I don't jump into the ring and defend their singing abilities, which are showcased to great effect in This Is Us).

What rubs me the wrong way is that these girls are criticized just as much for loving the band the way they do. Many reviews reduce them to shrieking harpies paralyzed by their hormones or the first signs of the apocalypse from the dumbed down "Me Generation." This could not be further from the truth. Yeah, maybe the ten-year-old girls with smeared mascara and "You Are My Heroes" posters are overreacting.

But let me ask you a question.

When was the last time you were so ecstatically happy that you cried? Or danced without fearing that other people will see you? Have you ever been happy enough to scream at the top of your lungs?

I know I haven't (well, maybe not the dancing part). That's just a sad truth of growing up. For a limited time only, these young girls have access to emotions the likes of which most of us have never seen. They experience happiness so pure and positive that it colors their entire experience on this Earth. We shouldn't judge them for loving a dumb boy band. We should be jealous.

I would give every last cent I had just to be as happy as one of those girls for twelve seconds.

Who are we to say the reason they feel this way is invalid?

Happiness is happiness is happiness is happiness and there's not enough of that in the world as it is, so let it be.

For some extra fun, check out the KidsInMind review of the film. They're a "parental review" web site that makes sure your precious children don't see such violent things as "five teen boys cry[ing]" or filthy smut like a girl whose "T-shirt rises up partially to reveal her navel."

America.

TL;DR: One Direction: This Is Us is a piece of cotton candy fluff, but it features beautiful editing and is packed with buoyant energy.

Rating: 7/10

Should I Spend Money On This? Only if you're a One Direction fan, but if you aren't, you're probably not reading this anyway. 

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Life After Ke$ha

This is how I spent my night last night. Going in, Cassidy and I were buzzing with excitement over Ke$ha and general warmth toward Pitbull as an acceptable presence we'd have to sit through to observe the Queen.

Cassidy: "I tried to tease my hair this morning, but I got too excited and had to sit down."

I almost decided not to say anything because I'm not really a concert reviewer but then again I'm not an actual movie reviewer, so I decided to go for it. And the night was too unforgettable (for better and for worse) not to say something.

Ke$ha

After the briefest of brief opening acts (a dance crew that morphed into an awful techno band with dancing halfway through but only lasted about 8 minutes), the screens darkened, Ke$ha's voice came on the speakers, and we were abruptly thrust into a psychedelic wonderland of animals and warriors.

We honestly had no idea Ke$ha wasn't the final act of the night (or maybe we were hoping) so we were taken mightily by surprise and hadn't had sufficient time to emotionally prepare ourselves. I don't ever do this, but there were tears in my eyes. Ke$ha is an icon of fun, love, and bravery. She's not afraid to be a pop musician. She embraces it wholeheartedly and uses it to spread her message of love, acceptance, and tolerance.

"Can't we all just fucking love each other?"

I wouldn't dare censor Ke$ha, though I do censor myself. 

The show was an hour long cavalcade of drums, guitars, costume changes, inflatable whales, giant legs sticking up from the stage, a pink hippo, eyeballs, and jungle gyms.

She sang an unreleased song (Machine Gun Love) and commanded us to record it on our phones. She told us a story about getting naked at a queer bar. She used a tap dance production number to introduce Blah Blah Blah. She wore a chastity belt and used a buzz saw on her crotch, shooting sparks across the stage.

Yes, Ke$ha is a pop princess, but she's also a rock 'n roll queen. Her songs were recreated on electric guitar (Blow was nearly unrecognizable and hardcore), she ditched the autotune (out of necessity, one would suppose, but she can handle herself), and even grabbed a guitar sometimes herself. There were dance breaks, Ke$ha drum solos, and dirtified lyrics (Blow - "Tonight, we're taking names / cuz we don't fuck around." Gold Trans Am - "Get in my.... vagina").

"The first time I was ever at the Hollywood Bowl, I was a little kid sitting in a guitar case as my mom played onstage. The second time, I was with a guy named Harold and we snuck in to see the Rolling Stones. The third time, I had eaten too many mushrooms and was kicked out because I took off my pants. I'm so excited to be here tonight, I have so many weird and wonderful memories here."

Ke$ha is the dance commander + she commands you to dance.

I want to rate this show a perfect 10 like the good little fanboy I am, but two things are holding me back. One, Pitbull unfairly ate her set time (more on that later), and the performance felt truncated. I'd rather see her on her own headlining tour, though it was an honor to see her at all.

Two, there was a palpable tension between Ke$ha and her touring partner. She did not mention Pitbull's name a single time in her set and he only mentioned her offhandedly as an opening act. They never once appeared onstage together. Her obvious distaste at being paired with him (whoever made that decision is hopefully working at a Dairy Queen now) and the impassivity of the Pitbull fans in the audience led to a devil-may-care attitude that actually worked within her show, but there was something decidedly uncomfortable about the whole thing.

8/10

Pitbull

I really don't know what to do about this one. Before Pitbull came on, I told Cassidy. "Let's be nice. The Pitbull fans were buzzkills who took the fun out of our show, let's at least be courteous and not do the same to them." Plus, I even like a lot of his songs, although I've never considered him a good writer. I enjoy his raps for their absurdity and view them kind of like my beloved 80's slasher movies. Not good in any way, but they try so hard to please you that you like them anyway.

We survived about half an hour into his 80 minute set before sitting down in indignation. A Top 40 enthusiast might note how Pitbull is what amounts to the featured rapper on most of the songs he performs, even the ones on his own albums. Oh, he'd do his rap part alright. It was there. But he played full recordings of the other artists singing the rest of the song. And he didn't sing along. He didn't freestyle underneath. He just stood there and pelvic thrusted. And when he wanted to mix it up, he'd swivel his hips.

And then he started playing songs that weren't even his. And again. He wasn't covering them. He wasn't freestyling. He wasn't adding anything to the songs, he was just playing recordings to fill the 80 minutes he stole from Ke$ha. While pelvic thrusting.

A brief list of songs Pitbull requisitioned as part of his act:

Feel So Close, Calvin Harris

Hello, Martin Solveig ft. Dragonette

Sweet Child O' Mine, Guns N' Roses

We No Speak Americano, Yolanda Be Cool & DCUP

Barba Streisand, Duck Sauce

(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (to Party!), Beastie Boys

Crazy Train, Ozzy Osbourne

I Gotta Feeling, Black Eyed Peas

Loca People, Ska Noel

Eye of the Tiger, Survivor

I Love It, Icona Pop

I swear there was a period of ten minutes where he didn't even rap at all. A solid 25% of the show was this BS right here.

Good job, Pitbull. You got people to pay $80 for this. Now take off those freaking sunglasses.

I know Cassidy and I swore not to be buzzkills, but it was beyond boring and we had parked in the stacked parking so we were held captive until the end of the show with nothing to do but sit back and think about how terrible his lyrics really are. They're survivable on the radio, but when you're tied down, ears open Clockwork Orange style, they're pretty unbearable. I don't trust my night in the hands of somebody who thinks that Tonka trucks and Holiday Inns make for compelling songwriting.

I mean, I'm not exactly defending some of Ke$ha's lyrics, but her songs are at heart a knife edge satire. Pitbull believes 100% in what he's saying. 

"I'm a genius / I mean brilliance" - Feel This Moment

At two separate points, he just stood there shouting out a list of countries. In between songs, he'd spout his incoherent pseudo philosophy about turning negatives into positives (obviously something he'd thought up long ago and found it so brilliant he just kept going with it) and at one point told us:

"Forget about all the negative sh!t of 2013 and move on to the positive of 2014!"

In June. I think he mixed up his script with the New Year's Eve show.

You wanna know the worst part? His fans lost their freaking minds. They went CRAZY.

Now, I don't think it's fair to judge people on the music they like. I don't hate, dislike, or even mildly judge anybody for being a Pitbull fan. I'm not one myself, but I can see the appeal. And clearly I'm in the minority for thinking his show was insipid pabulum. I'll just have to accept that his popularity is one more entry on a list of inexplicable things that I may never understand about the world.

I can't find any other pictures that don't look exactly like this one.

While Ke$ha reminded me of driving on the highway with the top down, Pitbull reminded me of sitting in the corner at prom.

Ke$ha sang about sexual liberation and freedom to be yourself. Pitbull wants you to take you to a hotel room and crack open your treasure chest.

Ke$ha wants us to love each other. Pitbull wants us to love him.

Ke$ha: I love it here in LA. I've lived here a lot of my life, I have a lot of memories here and I love the people. Thank you so much for coming and supporting me.

Pitbull: Los Angeles, you are my target market!

OK, a break from the invective. There were enjoyable parts of the show. Unfortunately, they were the parts where Pitbull wasn't actually doing much. See, the Los Angeles show was a special night, and sometimes Pitbull turned off the recordings and brought out a special guest.

Marc Anthony came to sing his hit collaboration with Pitbull.

Jennifer Lopez performed and yes, she has abs of steel.

Enrique Iglesias sang "I Like It."

Chris Brown was also there, but I'm not gonna comment on that.

The final song of the night, "Give Me Everything," was a avalanche of stagecraft, with smoke pouring from every direction, confetti cannons, a laser show, and a full firework pyrotechnic display. You couldn't even see Pitbull through the haze. It was my favorite part of the night.

"Thank you to my band and my guests, without them there's no Pitbull."

There's hardly a Pitbull as it is.

Cassidy (à la Gretchen Wieners): "Ke$ha is just as pretty as Pitbull. Ke$ha is just as smart as Pitbull. We should totally just stab Pitbull!"

2/10

Also, somebody wearing glitter was assaulted in the parking lot on the way out. I'm just saying that would never happen at a Ke$ha concert.
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