Director: Jeffrey Mandel
Cast: Dan Haggerty, Julie Austin, Deanna Lund
Run Time: 1 hour 29 minutes
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Plot: Kirsten (Julie Austin) accidentally unleashes a mythical Nazi elf that wants to impregnate her with the Master Race, and only a drifter who just got a job as a department store Santa (Dan Haggerty) can save her.
Analysis: The primary defining element of Elves is that it's absolutely unhinged in every possible way, down to the fact that the title is a lie and there's only one elf. The film honestly wouldn't even qualify as a slasher except for the fact that it's a different movie every 20 minutes, and one of those is a supernatural slasher set at a department store. The other options on this sampler platter include high-octane action (or as high-octane as "guy notices dynamite in car, leaps out of car instead of just throwing away dynamite" can be), bonkers family drama (Julia's mom - who is made up like a Bratz doll - wants to punish her daughter for breaking the rules and going into the forest by closing her bank account and drowning her cat in the toilet holy shit - the mom is literally so evil that there's a hilarious scene where Kirsten's friends just assume she's her stepmom), and gangster movie (the Nazis are apparently just the mafia, who knew?).
The elf itself is at least rather scary-looking, but only when it's not in motion. They clearly could only afford to make a a shoulders-up bust of the elf, so it is never seen in full. When it is lurking in the shadows staring at its potential victims, it cuts a menacing figure with its mottled grey skin and sharp fangs. However, when it's asked to perform any action, it's clear that the mouth isn't articulated very well and it undercuts the tension something fierce. However, it's not like Elves had any tension to spare in the first place. Its ultimate charm lies in the absolute fever dream nonsense delivered by every character, setting, and object onscreen (including two genuinely funny intentional jokes, a department store display that reads "GUNS - Gift Ideas for Mom," and a professor who is teaching Dan Haggerty about Nazi mythology correcting his young son's grammar when he says "elfs.").
Killer: The Elf (not Elves, notably)
Final Girl: Kirsten (Julie Austin)
Best Kill: Poor, poor Agamemnon the cat is drowned in a toilet because Kirsten's mom is a psychopath with the makeup of a Bratz doll.
Sign of the Times: Any outfit worn in the department store scene, but particularly the purple cardigan paired with the yellow dress. Or maybe the unitard with a purple tutu.
Scariest Moment: Kirsten's little brother wakes up with the Elf trying to throttle him.
Weirdest Moment: Kirsten's little brother pervs on her while she's in the shower and insists that she's got "big fucking tits."
Champion Dialogue: "Life's a bitch, Eddie. First you're Santa and then you die."
Body Count: 9
- Agamemnon the Cat is drowned in a toilet.
- Coke Santa is stabbed in the crotch.
- Blonde Guy has his head split by a Nazi.
- Amy is shot in the head.
- Brooke is stabbed to death.
- Kirsten's mom has a radio dropped into her bathtub.
- Ponytail Nazi is shot in the gut.
- Grandpa is shot.
- Trenchcoat Nazi is shot by the Elf.
TL;DR: Elves is reprehensible and weird and fascinating, though none of those things really add up to "good."
Rating: 6/10
Word Count: 581
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