Census Bloodbath: Dead, For A Ducat, Dead!

Year:
1985
Director:
Tony Lo Bianco
Cast:
Mike Connors, Anne Archer, Ian McShane
Run Time:
1 hour 40 minutes
MPAA Rating: R

Plot: Too Scared to Scream follows a series of slayings that take place in a luxury New York City high-rise apartment complex known as the Royal Arms. Could it be perpetrated by the charming, Norman Bates-esque doorman Vincent Hardwick (Ian McShane), who has a strange relationship with his mother and doesn't realize that absolutely nobody is thrilled by his habit of constantly quoting Shakespeare? Probably not, because the movie keeps refusing to show you the killer's face, so if you know a single thing about murder mystery tropes, you know that the detectives on the case - the hard-bitten Lieutenant Alex Dinardo (Mike Connors of Mannix) and the bright-eyed, bushy-tailed Kate Bridges (Anne Archer of Fatal Attraction) - have their work cut out for them.

Analysis: I'm going to give you a quick peek behind the curtain of Census Bloodbath. I generally watch each year's movies in chronological order by release date, but there is always a random cludge of titles that don't have proper release date information. These are usually obscure video titles or movies that nobody has cared enough about to keep proper records on, and they are usually abysmal for that reason. I used to carve my way through said cludge at the end of each year, but that always killed my drive to want to keep moving forward, so I switched it to the beginning of the year, thus saving the best (or at least the better) for last.

They Don't Cut the Grass Anymore was the last from the "unknown" pile of 1985 (your clue as to it belonging to that elite group was the 2/10 score), which is why we're suddenly finding ourselves with an embarrassment of riches. A beautiful poster and actors whose names we recognize (Murray Hamilton from Jaws and The Graduate is also kicking around here)? An original song that gets credit in the opening titles? Will the wonders never cease?

Yes, yes they will. That is because Too Scared to Scream is boring as shit, but at least it's a well-appointed boring movie that wasn't shot by teenagers with a camera they stole from a junkyard. 

So, here's the problem. Too Scared to Scream wants you to think that it's classy. It's a Psycho riff that would even look down its nose at Dressed to Kill, is what I'm saying. This blatantly ignores the fact that the movie is tacky and exploitative as all get out, shuffling women out of their clothes at a relatively rapid clip, trying to startle you with a cheap spring-loaded bird jump scare (now there's a new one), and featuring multiple tawdry gay reveals. This is back when "gay" meant "psychopathic," of course. Again. Psycho riff.

Anyway, the result of it thinking it's better than being a slasher movie (when it really shouldn't, considering it's a big screen vehicle for fucking Mannix) is that its kills are woefully tedious. The ones that don't take place offscreen might as well have, because they are all delivered in the same Norman Bates stab-stab-cutaway style. This lacks the visceral intensity of Psycho, of course. Tony Lo Bianco ain't no Hitchcock. What we get in between these wan kills is a bunch of go-nowhere romance with Kate and Alex, a final girl sequence where Kate keeps desperately trying to figure out if the screenplay wants her to have skills or not, and Ian McShane reciting Shakespeare. That last part is delivered well, at least. I mean, we'd all go see him do Richard III, right? We're only human.

However, because this is a real movie with a real professional crew making it, there are at least some bright sides to our first soujourn into movies with actual legitimate release dates in 1985. There is a killer thriller moment where a victim is looking through her closet and is confused by a sleeve she doesn't recognize, only to realize that it belongs to someone holding a knife. And a playful scene where what seems to be spilled blood is actually wine. The movie is also a New York-set story that doesn't forget people of color exist, which is nice, even if it doesn't always remember to avoid trapping them in stereotype purgatory for all eternity.

All in all, this is still not a great showing for the slashers of 1985, but one could do worse. And I certainly have.

Killer: Edward (Chet Doherty)

Final Girl: Kate Bridges (Anne Archer)

Best Kill: There's really not much to choose from, but when Cynthia (Victoria Bass), the first victim, is Psycho stabbed, the camera lingers on her prone body while a voicemail from her mother plays, which is effectively tragic.

Sign of the Times: More than anything, this is a sign that the movie was shot in 1981 and shelved for a couple years, but it sure was a pleasure to see The Burning on the marquee of a Times Square movie theater.

Scariest Moment: Alex finds suspect Barry (Beeson Carroll) naked, bound, and gagged, with cigarette burns on his ass, under a pile of cushions in his apartment, and when he ungags him, Barry begins screaming his lungs out. It's all very Se7en.

Weirdest Moment: Kate grabs a telephone receiver to use as a makeshift weapon, and it works! Twice! You can't do that with an iPhone.

Champion Dialogue: “I've been in and out of so many clothes, I feel like a dancing coat hanger."

Body Count: 8

1. Cynthia is stabbed to death.
2. Mrs. Horner is stabbed to death.
3. Sidney is killed in the head offscreen.
4. Nadine has her throat slit offscreen.
5. Mike is killed offscreen.
6. Irma is killed offscreen.
7. Vincent is stabbed in the back offscreen.
8. Edward is shot.

TL;DR: Too Scared to Scream puts on airs of being classier than it is, which results in it failing to be much of anything at all.

Rating: 4/10

Word Count: 998